# Another etiquette thread: what's your take on handwritten thank-you notes? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 6, 2014, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897 "2014-11-06T16:30:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/21 "2014-11-06T19:49:18Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > It is unnecessary to the point of insanity for children to write thank you notes to other children for an informal children’s party. How was the party in the OP “informal”? (By children’s standards, I mean.) There was a set guest list, explicitly ruling out many potential guests, and there were written invitations. And part of the point of requiring thank-you notes is to teach the child manners. That said… > [@](#): > > As a child, I came to think of thank you notes as a punishment for accepting a gift. Here! Have a gift+an obligation! If you don’t accept my obligation you’re an asshole. If you refuse my gift you’re also an asshole. May I ask how your parents taught you to do notes? Anyway, I think the true obligation is to be kind to one another. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/22 "2014-11-06T20:07:29Z")
No thank you notes. Ever. For anyone. I do not give them, and I do not expect them, no matter what the occasion. I do thank people profusely either at the time or the next time we speak, depending on whether they were there when I recieved their gift or not. As said above, writing out a note seems like a punishment for getting a present. Nuh-uh. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/23 "2014-11-06T20:18:29Z")
I’d want my kid to have manners into adulthood, so as many handwritten, legible thank you notes as there were other children. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/24 "2014-11-06T20:24:28Z")
No thank you notes. And I don’t have any desire to receive them for gifts I give. I don’t give a gift in order to create any obligation in the slightest in the recipient. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/25 "2014-11-06T20:40:36Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > 1. Do you require your daughter to send thank-you notes, or is saying thank-youat the party sufficient? Sent notes are a must > [@](#): > > 1. If you require your daughter to send thank-you notes, is it okay to send them by social media or email, or must they be on paper? Electronic is fine, although email/PMs are preferred over public posts. I’d also be cool with SMSes. > [@](#): > > 1. If electronic messages are acceptable, is a single update to her own Facebook wall sufficient, or must she post an individual update to each guest’s wall? Individual messages. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/26 "2014-11-06T20:53:24Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > As a child, I came to think of thank you notes as a punishment for accepting a gift. Here! Have a gift+an obligation! If you don’t accept my obligation you’re an asshole. If you refuse my gift you’re also an asshole. Me too. There was some kind of family crisis when I sent one great aunt two thank you notes and the other none. You would have thought I spit in both their faces, and after they had been so thoughtful about sending me a five dollar check. Phone calls were made (long distance!), apologies were offered and finally, reluctantly, the two old bitties were able to forgive me a little. After high school I quit bothering to notify relatives of anything that happened in my life for fear they would send me some piece of crap that would oblige me to correspond with them for the rest of my life. Thank you notes are wonderful. The people who write them are wonderful. The people who expect them are not wonderful. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/27 "2014-11-06T21:11:01Z")
One thank you note per child, hand-written (disabilities permitting). ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/28 "2014-11-06T21:58:46Z")
Regardless of whether it is the technically proper thing to do or not, do children ever send thank you notes to other children? I’m surprised so many people are saying that they expect it, because I don’t remember ever receiving thank you notes from other kids when I was young. Or sending them for that matter. And I’m from Texas, which can be very big on proper etiquette. If I had a daughter, I would expect her to be a good hostess, and thank each child for coming, and for the present if they brought one, and to share the food and drinks and be sure everyone is having a good time, but I wouldn’t expect her to send out thank you notes. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/29 "2014-11-06T22:40:38Z")
> [@Sam\_Lowry](#): > > Regardless of whether it is the technically proper thing to do or not, do children ever send thank you notes to other children? I’m surprised so many people are saying that they expect it, because I don’t remember ever receiving thank you notes from other kids when I was young. Or sending them for that matter. And I’m from Texas, which can be very big on proper etiquette. > > If I had a daughter, I would expect her to be a good hostess, and thank each child for coming, and for the present if they brought one, and to share the food and drinks and be sure everyone is having a good time, but I wouldn’t expect her to send out thank you notes. Never heard of it. Thank you notes are what a kid sends to their aunt, Gramma, etc, when they mail a present. Then, yes, of course it’s handwritten, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2014, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/30 "2014-11-06T22:57:19Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > A spiritual follow-up to [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=739628). > > And now the questions: > > 1. Do you require your daughter to send thank-you notes, or is saying thank-youat the party sufficient? > 2. If you require your daughter to send thank-you notes, is it okay to send them by social media or email, or must they be on paper? > 3. If electronic messages are acceptable, is a single update to her own Facebook wall sufficient, or must she post an individual update to each guest’s wall? > 4. If electronic messages are not acceptable, must the thank-you notes be handwritten, or is printing them out acceptable? > > Don’t wait for the automated poll. There isn’t one. Why? Each your liver, that’s why. 1. Thank you at the party is sufficient. I’m not a formal person. I thought it was weird the first time I got a thank-you card (for a Christmas gift). I think notes should only be sent for graduations and showers/weddings or when a gift is shipped, and you can’t say thank-you in person. And even then, that’s more because that’s what normally happens in my experience than because I really think it’s necessary. 2, 3, and 4 are thus irrelevant to me ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/31 "2014-11-07T01:05:39Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Gift in person & opened- no note. (Exception is for elderly relatives, etc) I’m curious about this exception. One might conclude that it means you think that thank you notes for such gifts are no longer necessary, but old people are too old fashioned to know that etiquette has evolved. If so, I think that’s wrong. Proper etiquette on thank you notes hasn’t changed. Many younger people are simply ignorant of it. ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/32 "2014-11-07T01:14:11Z")
> [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > I’m curious about this exception. > > One might conclude that it means you think that thank you notes for such gifts are no longer necessary, but old people are too old fashioned to know that etiquette has evolved. If so, I think that’s wrong. Proper etiquette on thank you notes hasn’t changed. Many younger people are simply ignorant of it. While many younger people may be ignorant of it that etiquette, there are plenty more of us who simply don’t like it and don’t do it. When the majority change their views on what is “proper etiquette”, then proper etiquette changes. It used to be “proper etiquette” to wipe fingers on the tablecloth and it used to be proper to pour tea into the saucer to drink. Times change, and so does etiquette. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/33 "2014-11-07T01:17:32Z")
Handwritten, on paper, to everyone. Even if they didn’t send a gift “Thank you for coming. . .” That’s the rule, and I’ve tried to maintain it. But I confess that after seven birthday parties we have never entirely achieved the ideal, mainly due to not having all the addresses. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/34 "2014-11-07T01:43:58Z")
It should be entirely her decision as to how she thanks people for presents. Everyone think back to when you were twelve–you knew you weren’t a little kid anymore, correct? Doesn’t anyone have any comment about the cheapskate scumbag who “required her to keep the guest list down to a dozen”? She should have been allowed to invite anyone she wished. Think about the hurt feelings of the person who was 13th and later on her list. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/35 "2014-11-07T01:50:43Z")
> [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > Proper etiquette on thank you notes hasn’t changed. Many younger people are simply ignorant of it. Or, since many people don’t do it, the proper etiquette has changed. Or, if you believe as I do, there is no such thing as “proper etiquette.” ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/36 "2014-11-07T02:18:21Z")
I subscribe to the “do as you would be done by” principle. So no, no thank-you notes. Don’t give 'em, don’t want 'em. I would reluctantly make an exception for occasions where the gift isn’t opened in front of the giver (so I sent some after my wedding. Don’t anticipate having to do it ever again … _blissful smile_) ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/37 "2014-11-07T04:21:02Z")
Paper thank you notes to each guest, and she would not have hand delivered them at school unless those kids mentioned were the entire class. Why? Because that’s the way it’s done. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/38 "2014-11-07T04:21:27Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > I’d want my kid to have manners into adulthood, so as many handwritten, legible thank you notes as there were other children. Ditto. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > No thank you notes. And I don’t have any desire to receive them for gifts I give. I don’t give a gift in order to create any obligation in the slightest in the recipient. What if you have sent a gift – do you consider the recipient obligated to let you know they got it? ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/39 "2014-11-07T05:03:39Z")
Even when I was a child, I didn’t sent thank you notes to people I had thanked in person, and my mother was very strict about such things. What is the point in that? You thanked them. Gifts mailed or delivered by someone other than the giver require thank you notes in order to thank the giver. That being said, for gifts not delivered and thanked in person, our rule is that if the gift was sent electronically (e-gift card, video game credits, etc), you may thank them electronically. If the gift is mailed or delivered by another person, you must mail a thank you note. My son is very good at sending his thank you notes. In fact, this past birthday he was writing a thank you note to my aunt who send him a card but no gift. I told him he was not obliged to write a thank you note for a card and he replied, “But why wouldn’t I?” ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/40 "2014-11-07T06:33:13Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > What if you have sent a gift – do you consider the recipient obligated to let you know they got it? Obliged? No. If I wonder and ask and they say yes, I don’t think “Jeez, you could have told me!” I think “Yay, you got it! Hope you like it!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897.md?page=3)