# Another etiquette thread: what's your take on handwritten thank-you notes? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 6, 2014, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897 "2014-11-06T16:30:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/41 "2014-11-07T06:45:54Z")
> [@Sam\_Lowry](#): > > Regardless of whether it is the technically proper thing to do or not, do children ever send thank you notes to other children? I’m surprised so many people are saying that they expect it, because I don’t remember ever receiving thank you notes from other kids when I was young. Or sending them for that matter. And I’m from Texas, which can be very big on proper etiquette. > > If I had a daughter, I would expect her to be a good hostess, and thank each child for coming, and for the present if they brought one, and to share the food and drinks and be sure everyone is having a good time, but I wouldn’t expect her to send out thank you notes. Yeah, I think a twelve year old getting a handwritten thank you note on paper from a peer these days would be unappreciated, and quite possibly mark the sender as “weird” and/or “uncool.” Not that this necessarily has relevance, but still. ---
**Author:** ![CT\_Damsel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CT\_Damsel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CT_Damsel)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/42 "2014-11-07T11:47:25Z")
1. send thank-you notes 2. must be on paper\* 3. see 2 4. must be handwritten (of course she has excellent penmanship; she is MY daughter:D) \*She can use the type she owns [in her favorite color with her initials printed on the front](http://www.impressinprint.com/images/Uploaded_Images/26487_NC732-Pretty-Monogram.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/43 "2014-11-07T12:45:59Z")
1. Do you require your daughter to send thank-you notes, or is saying thank-youat the party sufficient? **Notes**. 2. If you require your daughter to send thank-you notes, is it okay to send them by social media or email, or must they be on paper? **We have sets of “Thank You” cards for her to choose from.** 3. If electronic messages are acceptable, is a single update to her own Facebook wall sufficient, or must she post an individual update to each guest’s wall? **N/A, as it’s not acceptable to only send electronic messages. As a supplement to the notes, that’s fine, but the notes are mandatory. Also, my 13yo doesn’t have a FB account.** 4. If electronic messages are not acceptable, must the thank-you notes be handwritten, or is printing them out acceptable? **Handwritten.** ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/44 "2014-11-07T12:50:18Z")
1. For those who favor sending handwritten notes: how many does the hypothetical 12-year-old owe? **One for every guest to come to the party.** ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/45 "2014-11-07T12:57:41Z")
> [@Leaper](#): > > Yeah, I think a twelve year old getting a handwritten thank you note on paper from a peer these days would be unappreciated, and quite possibly mark the sender as “weird” and/or “uncool.” > > Not that this necessarily has relevance, but still. As a parent of a 12 (well, just turned 13) year-old, this isn’t correct. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/46 "2014-11-07T14:53:12Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > It should be entirely her decision as to how she thanks people for presents. Everyone think back to when you were twelve–you knew you weren’t a little kid anymore, correct? > > Doesn’t anyone have any comment about the cheapskate scumbag who “required her to keep the guest list down to a dozen”? She should have been allowed to invite anyone she wished. Think about the hurt feelings of the person who was 13th and later on her list. Although I have some sympathy for this position, it’s an unfortunate fact of life that occasionally, finances dictate outcomes. And while I’m sure everyone would like to be able to afford all the folks they’d like to every party they host, it just isn’t always feasible. As an aside, my adult daughter-in-law did not send thank you notes after her wedding shower, although help was offered. I’m still baffled how that could have happened, then I think of how her mother is and I understand completely. Some things must be taught in childhood to avoid unacceptable behavior as an adult. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/47 "2014-11-07T15:06:42Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > What if you have sent a gift – do you consider the recipient obligated to let you know they got it? ? No. Of course not. If you care so much track the package, it costs 1.05. Doing something simple to save other people bother is the definition of graciousness. It’s a terribly difficult concept for some people, that a gift should be open hearted and without strings. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/48 "2014-11-07T15:19:09Z")
Apparently, I’d be raising my hypothetical 12 year old not to have manners. No thank you notes. It would be sufficient for me if she said thank you and accepted the gift gracefully at the party. I would rather not exchange gifts with anyone who’d be hurt or angry if they didn’t receive a handwritten note, in addition to being thanked in person. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/49 "2014-11-07T15:38:09Z")
**1) Do you require your daughter to send thank-you notes, or is saying thank-youat the party sufficient?** Saying “Thank You” at the party is all that’s needed. **2) If you require your daughter to send thank-you notes, is it okay to send them by social media or email, or must they be on paper?** FUCK NO. Requiring them at all for such an informal event would be crazy. Even for a formal event, I consider a verbal “Thank You” much more meaningful than any drivel Hallmark adds to a card. **3) If electronic messages are acceptable, is a single update to her own Facebook wall sufficient, or must she post an individual update to each guest’s wall?** If she wants to send any kind of follow-up “Thank You,” she can do it however she pleases. **4) If electronic messages are not acceptable, must the thank-you notes be handwritten, or is printing them out acceptable?** FUCK NO. Writing out “Thank You” notes is the mark of an etiquette snob or a 110-year old woman. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/50 "2014-11-07T15:47:37Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > As a parent of a 12 (well, just turned 13) year-old, this isn’t correct. So your 13-year-old does send thank you notes? And receives them and appreciates them from their friends? I don’t think I would have thought it was weird or uncool when I was 12 to receive a thank you note, but it would have been surprising. Maybe this is a regional thing? Or more common among certain groups? ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/51 "2014-11-07T16:04:33Z")
> [@Sam\_Lowry](#): > > Regardless of whether it is the technically proper thing to do or not, do children ever send thank you notes to other children? I’m surprised so many people are saying that they expect it, because I don’t remember ever receiving thank you notes from other kids when I was young. Or sending them for that matter. And I’m from Texas, which can be very big on proper etiquette. Yeah, when I was growing up my mother (also from Texas) expected us to send thank you notes to gifts we received _in the mail_ from our relatives, but we were not expected to send thank you notes for gifts received at a party. I don’t remember ever receiving a thank you note after attending another child’s birthday party, either. A quick Google pulled up this [brief page on thank you notes](http://www.emilypost.com/communication-and-technology/notes-and-letters/99-thank-you-notes-to-send-or-not-to-send) from the Emily Post website, and it says that although it’s “never wrong to send a written thank you” the “rule of thumb” is that this should be done when the giver was not thanked in person at the time the gift was received. It also says that close friends may be thanked by phone or email. As for the OP’s question about Facebook, I would consider a private message via Facebook equivalent to an email. I don’t think it would be appropriate for the girl to handle thank yous via wall posts that could be seen by others. For an adult maybe that would be okay (not “proper” but not the sort of thing I’d raise an eyebrow over either), but since other kids in the class weren’t invited to this party then making a semi-public post about the great gifts she received could lead to hurt feelings and major adolescent drama. Incidentally, while I’m sure there are plenty of 11 and 12 year olds on Facebook, the site does [require that all members be at least 13](https://www.facebook.com/help/157793540954833). ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/52 "2014-11-07T18:34:58Z")
> [@Sam\_Lowry](#): > > So your 13-year-old does send thank you notes? And receives them and appreciates them from their friends? I don’t think I would have thought it was weird or uncool when I was 12 to receive a thank you note, but it would have been surprising. Maybe this is a regional thing? Or more common among certain groups? Yes, she sends notes, usually the day after the party. Not many of her friends do the same, but some do. Not really worried about their manners, however - they’re not _my_ kids. This year, Sophia is having her party tomorrow and has already got a heads start on the cards by addressing them. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/53 "2014-11-07T18:58:10Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Incidentally, while I’m sure there are plenty of 11 and 12 year olds on Facebook, the site does [require that all members be at least 13](https://www.facebook.com/help/157793540954833). I know that. I also know plenty of kids that age (and their parents) who ignore that rule. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/54 "2014-11-07T20:50:04Z")
Handwritten thank-yous are an antiquated tradition. Nobody expects little boys to send them. So girls shouldn’t have to do it, either. The only time in my life I plan to send thank-yous is after my wedding reception, and there’s a good chance I’ll type them out + sign the bottom. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/55 "2014-11-07T20:59:36Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > Handwritten thank-yous are an antiquated tradition. Nobody expects little boys to send them. Ignoring the _little_ qualifier, my 16-year-old nephew has always been required to send them. ETA: That is, he’s always been required to send thank-you notes and sign them by hand. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/56 "2014-11-07T21:28:01Z")
They’re kids, so hand-written notes is going overboard. Just thank people at the party and be done with it. And what about my liver? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/57 "2014-11-07T21:41:13Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > It should be entirely her decision as to how she thanks people for presents. Everyone think back to when you were twelve–you knew you weren’t a little kid anymore, correct? > > Doesn’t anyone have any comment about the cheapskate scumbag who “required her to keep the guest list down to a dozen”? She should have been allowed to invite anyone she wished. Think about the hurt feelings of the person who was 13th and later on her list. You just can’t afford to invite everyone. A dozen is plenty of people! Really I think the rule for children’s parties - guests should be equal to the child’s age + 1 - works fine. So a three year old only gets four children at his party, WHICH IS FINE. If the parents want, they can certainly invite more, but not everyone can invite everybody, and if they want, they can also throw ONE big party, like a quincenera or a high school graduation. Not all of us are hurt or angry that we didn’t get a thank you card…but you know, I love my niece and nephew, and I love the little cards in their chicken scratch. Is it really so awful for them to sit their asses down and write a few cards? They have the entire family doting on them, it would do their entitled asses good to learn to express appreciation for that love. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2014, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/58 "2014-11-07T21:58:08Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > Doesn’t anyone have any comment about the cheapskate scumbag who “required her to keep the guest list down to a dozen”? She should have been allowed to invite anyone she wished. Think about the hurt feelings of the person who was 13th and later on her list. How does having a limited budget make one a scumbag? ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2014, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/59 "2014-11-09T04:26:09Z")
I would not force a child to do something that was considered antiquated when I was a kid. I also don’t see the value in forcing a thanks to anyone. Teach the kid to actually be thankful, and then let them express that however they wish. I also will note I attended a lot of birthday parties as a kid. I never once got a thank you note. The only time I’ve ever used thank you notes is for graduation gifts, and the only time I’ve ever received them is for weddings and graduations. Those are formal occasions. A birthday party is not–it’s a fun time with games and stuff. I’m also confused about the idea of providing food in addition to cake if you are on a budget. I would let the kid decide whether to just have cake and as many people as they want, or a smaller, more personal gathering with more stuff being provided. Even from age five, I made decisions about my own birthday party. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2014, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897/60 "2014-11-10T17:04:11Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > How does having a limited budget make one a scumbag? Get cheaper refreshments then. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-etiquette-thread-whats-your-take-on-handwritten-thank-you-notes/703897.md?page=4)