# Another one of those Should I Say Something? Threads **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 7, 2014, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578 "2014-12-07T16:35:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/21 "2014-12-08T14:42:06Z")
> [@ZenBeam](#): > > I think you should say something to the parents, and I don’t think you should try to couch it in vague or casual terms. You’re adults and so are they. … (for brevity) This. Exactly this. Tell the parents in plain English what you saw and heard and what you think it might mean. And tell them that IF it’s really an eating disorder, that’s a serious medical situation & requires aggressive treatment. How close you are to this family will determine whether you ought to stay involved after that, or just say your piece and wash your hands of any follow-up. NEVER underestimate the power of cluelessness & denial even amongst otherwise aware and well-intentioned people. Not to mention that almost all health problems grow slowly over time and the human psyche is designed to ignore slow changes in any situation. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/22 "2014-12-08T14:50:23Z")
I would not assume Nick has no idea what is going on with his sister. I’d think it’s pretty obvious, even for a 17 year old. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/23 "2014-12-08T15:27:53Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I would not assume Nick has no idea what is going on with his sister. I’d think it’s pretty obvious, even for a 17 year old. Eh…I don’t know. I was in my 30s and didn’t realize my son was cutting. I noticed he was depressed. I noticed he spent a lot of time alone in his room. I noticed he had switched to long sleeve shirts. I noticed he was accumulating a collection of knives and swords, and even bought him a couple because I knew he liked them. I just didn’t put it all together. It just all seemed like normal teenaged behavior. I even did a project and presentation on cutting in nursing school, at the same exact time it was happening under my own roof. :smack: When you’re around a person a lot, it’s easy to think it’s just them being them. Sometimes it’s a lot easier for a stranger to notice odd behavior, because they haven’t seen the progression of that behavior from just slightly odd to overtly dangerous. Families are like the boiling frog story - when you’re in the pot, you don’t notice the heat gradually increasing. Then someone from the outside enters and goes, “wow, it’s REALLY hot in here!” and you suddenly notice that, oh, yeah, it is, kinda, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/24 "2014-12-08T15:34:34Z")
Of COURSE you should say something. Would you \*not \*want to know if your own kid was bulimic? ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/25 "2014-12-08T15:42:33Z")
Could be a coincidence or a pattern. The “un-eating” part, while logical, has no direct observable evidence so far. (ie- no female member of your party got up 15-20 steps after Jenny, followed her in discretely (public restaurant restroom) or waited by the door (private home) to see if they could hear any wretching sounds. (If anyone asks her, she can say that she was “waiting to go”.) Bulemia is a Hell of a thing and if it IS that, you need to have the talk with her parents that night. But… what if she isn’t wretching up those 6 bites? What if she is texting or is taking some pill with her meals or flossing her teeth or (Og help us) jilling? Bulemia is one of those acusations that, once leveled, will follow a person forever. I’d say that you need a second independent point of evidence and if your wife is in on the discussion so far, then it sounds like she’s been appointed “bathroom monitor” for the next meal. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/26 "2014-12-08T15:47:40Z")
I think you should MYOB. I have a 13 year old daughter and I teach girls in that age group. Girls that age are mercurial creatures. Stampeding to the conclusion that she has an eating disorder based on this incident and discussing it with her parents would be rather presumptuous on your part. Jenny, if she is like most girls her age, is already very self-conscious. It will not make her happy to think that _you_ are cataloging every bite she eats. Unless she is showing some obvious physical signs of having an eating disorder, you should stay the hell out of her eating habits. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/27 "2014-12-08T16:07:10Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > Nick, I’m sure, has zero idea that Jenny is (or may be) puking. He just thinks it’s funny that she runs to the toilet every meal. Probably thinks she has to take a crap after just a few bites and he finds that amusing. Even having to run to the toilet to take a crap after just a few bites at every meal is something that should be looked into as a potential medical problem. Your wife should mention it to her sibling. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/28 "2014-12-08T16:12:41Z")
Is she painfully thin? Say something immediately and bluntly. Not painfully thin? Say something but more diplomatically. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/29 "2014-12-08T16:12:52Z")
**ZenBeam** is spot on. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/30 "2014-12-08T16:51:08Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Is she painfully thin? Say something immediately and bluntly. > > Not painfully thin? Say something but more diplomatically. Most people with bulimia are normal weight or overweight. Not only is it dangerous, but it’s not even effective as a weight loss strategy. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/31 "2014-12-08T17:02:09Z")
These aren’t some acquaintances that you barely know-this is family!. Of course you have to say something. If the brother is tuned in enough to mention it he for sure is wondering if his sister is bulimic and my best guess is that he is trying his best to get an adult to notice without actually ratting out his sister. I’m giving him a lot more credit than most here. Any kid perceptive enough to note that his sister takes a few bites, then goes to the bathroom then comes back and pushes her food around is perceptive enough to wonder about why she is doing this and probably has some theories if not outright evidence. I think you should absolutely talk to the parents and let them know that you have noticed this behavior and let them know to keep an eye out. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/32 "2014-12-08T21:09:50Z")
Seriously. This is family, not the uppity neighbors or your new boss. Say something. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/33 "2014-12-08T22:19:02Z")
Why can’t you put it as “I’m sure you’re aware, but we couldn’t help but notice this pattern… if this is a situation that you need any help with or to talk about, we’re here for you.” ? To me, it hardly seems like butting into other people’s business to let your brother know that you can give him a hand if he is indeed – as it appears he might be – in a challenging parenting situation. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/34 "2014-12-08T22:23:53Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > If the parents know their daughter has an eating problem, would they have sat her at a different table without warning any of the adults at that table? That doesn’t seem likely to me. I’m no expert on dealing with eating disorders in 13 year old girls, but my guess is that putting a giant public spotlight on the girl by ''warning" other adults about her ‘problem’ is maybe not going to be the most useful approach. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2014, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/35 "2014-12-10T12:00:47Z")
> [@ZenBeam](#): > > I think you should say something to the parents, and I don’t think you should try to couch it in vague or casual terms. You’re adults and so are they. > > Tell them exactly what happened, that their son has noticed the pattern, so it isn’t a one time thing, that you’re concerned that she may be bulimic, and you felt they should know if they don’t already. Don’t try to tell them _how_ to handle it, that’s their responsibility as parents. > > Maybe they are already aware, and are working on it, and then you leave it up to them to handle it. > > I disagree with any MYOB advice, because Jenny is a minor, because you’re family, not just some strangers, and because this is a serious health issue. > > I also think it’s irrelevant whether her brother realizes what’s going on or not, or why he pointed it out to you. You’re talking to her parents, not directly to the girl. They’ll know the brother-sister dynamic, and can account for that, if it matters. This is an extremely well thought out and presented post. **ZenBeam** is my new go-to for common sense advice. (update: have not seen these people since the incident but will over the holidays) mmm ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2014, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/36 "2014-12-10T14:50:41Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > This is an extremely well thought out and presented post. > > **ZenBeam** is my new go-to for common sense advice. > > (update: have not seen these people since the incident but will over the holidays) > mmm People don’t always notice a pattern until it’s pointed out to them. It was pointed out to you & you confirmed it yourself (albeit with one data point). I don’t think you need to wait a few weeks to confirm with data point #2. This Is family, presumably you have their phone #; I’d call today (& say what **ZenBeam** advised). ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2014, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/37 "2014-12-10T20:12:56Z")
At least she’s not trying to unscrew a boy. ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2014, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/38 "2014-12-10T20:30:19Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > …Bulemia is a Hell of a thing and if it IS that, you need to have the talk with her parents that night. But… what if she isn’t wretching up those 6 bites? > What if she is texting or is taking some pill with her meals or flossing her teeth or (Og help us) jilling?.. Right. This is concerning, but you have no proof that it _is_ bulimia. In addition to the things mentioned above, she could be smoking in there. Or doing drugs. Or meeting boys. You don’t know. Many of these alternatives are problematic and would need to be looked into. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2014, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578/39 "2014-12-11T01:01:51Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I would not assume Nick has no idea what is going on with his sister. I’d think it’s pretty obvious, even for a 17 year old. Me too. I would guess he made the “joke” to see if he could suss out if _adults_ found it worrisome too, honestly. And yeah, I’d mention it to the parents. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-one-of-those-should-i-say-something-threads/706578.md?page=1)