# Another perspective on "nice guys" and the women who won't date them **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 14, 2009, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457 "2009-05-14T21:14:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/41 "2009-05-15T15:21:46Z")
> [@Sound Mind](#): > > And it’s not about you. Once I was walking down the street when a handsome man (yes he really was) approached me and attempted to strike up a conversation and ask me out for coffee. I told him I wasn’t interested and he began to berate me for not giving him a chance, the usual nice guy ME ME ME refrain. This happened the day after my husband’s funeral. (snip) Not defending the guy, but this sounds like a classic case of a woman expecting a man to understand all the complexities of her situation without having communicated any of them to him. It is also important to remember that you have no idea of how that other guy’s life/ day has been going either. If your response was, “Sorry, but I just lost my husband and I’m not interested, but thank you anyway.” That’s one thing, but if it was a simple refusal, his response while unwarranted, is more understandable. I’m not saying that this is how it played out mind you, but only that men often are completely obtuse to all the complexities of whatever you are thinking about and tend to take exchanges at face value. His response could have been " God, I’m so sorry, maybe some other time then." If you had , (or did) communicate clearly. If you just turned him down he likely took it personally. It’s hard not to, especially if he had been having trouble with his confidence lately etc.. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/42 "2009-05-15T15:29:49Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > (snip) > > Not defending the guy, but this sounds like a classic case of a woman expecting a man to understand all the complexities of her situation without having communicated any of them to him. It is also important to remember that you have no idea of how that other guy’s life/ day has been going either. If your response was, “Sorry, but I just lost my husband and I’m not interested, but thank you anyway.” That’s one thing, but if it was a simple refusal, his response while unwarranted, is more understandable. I’m not saying that this is how it played out mind you, but only that men often are completely obtuse to all the complexities of whatever you are thinking about and tend to take exchanges at face value. His response could have been " God, I’m so sorry, maybe some other time then." If you had , (or did) communicate clearly. If you just turned him down he likely took it personally. It’s hard not to, especially if he had been having trouble with his confidence lately etc.. You never owe a stranger an explanation for not accepting their advances. You are never owed an explanation if you make advances toward a person you don’t know and they turn you down. You are completely wrong for suggesting that she should have to share her personal grief with a man she doesn’t know because he might be “having trouble with his confidence lately”. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/43 "2009-05-15T15:39:08Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > You never owe a stranger an explanation for not accepting their advances. > You are never owed an explanation if you make advances toward a person you don’t know and they turn you down. > You are completely wrong for suggesting that she should have to share her personal grief with a man she doesn’t know because he might be “having trouble with his confidence lately”. You are right. However, if you decide to be that way then you don’t get to make snap judgments about others’ characters either. Everyone has a right to refuse interactions with others based on whatever they like, but if I’m rude to the girl who tries to chat with me at the coffee shop because I’m having a pissy day at work It’s MY fault if she comes away with a poor impression of me, not the other way around If I fail, or can’t be arsed to communicate. Obviously, any further approaches or attempts would be in the wrong on the part of the stranger, but I try to conduct myself with at least a smidge of courtesy to people who are being pleasant to me. This is called being considerate of others’ feelings. It is usually considered a basic skill we all learn in kindergarten. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/44 "2009-05-15T15:40:46Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Most men don’t really care about what career a woman has. You rarely hear successful, professional man say “I met this really great girl, but she’s only an admin assistant / waitress / exotic dancer.” Successful women, OTOH, tend to want to date a man at least as successful as they are which limits their options to a relative small pool of men. You completely missed the point. Based on the info in the OP (just ages, locations, and jobs) **ParentalAdvisory** called these women “beggars” in post #15. Beggars can’t be choosers. Armed with nothing more than these three pieces of information he decided they are beggars. For all he knows they are highly attractive women who have men hitting on them every day they go outside. Of course, after reading a couple more of his comments I believe he didn’t read the link in the OP _at all_ and was responding to the thoughts circling in his brain. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/45 "2009-05-15T15:42:36Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > You are right. However, if you decide to be that way then you don’t get to make snap judgments about others’ characters either. Everyone has a right to refuse interactions with others based on whatever they like, but if I’m rude to the girl who tries to chat with me at the coffee shop because I’m having a pissy day at work It’s MY fault if she comes away with a poor impression of me, not the other way around If I fail, or can’t be arsed to communicate. You don’t see the difference between snapping at someone in a coffee shop and turning someone down for a date? A polite “No thank you” is all that’s required if one is not interested. Nothing more. ---
**Author:** ![Basandre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@Basandre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Basandre)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/46 "2009-05-15T15:49:49Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > (snip) > > Not defending the guy, but this sounds like a classic case of a woman expecting a man to understand all the complexities of her situation without having communicated any of them to him. It is also important to remember that you have no idea of how that other guy’s life/ day has been going either. If your response was, “Sorry, but I just lost my husband and I’m not interested, but thank you anyway.” That’s one thing, but if it was a simple refusal, his response while unwarranted, is more understandable. I’m not saying that this is how it played out mind you, but only that men often are completely obtuse to all the complexities of whatever you are thinking about and tend to take exchanges at face value. His response could have been " God, I’m so sorry, maybe some other time then." If you had , (or did) communicate clearly. If you just turned him down he likely took it personally. It’s hard not to, especially if he had been having trouble with his confidence lately etc.. But why isn’t “I’m not interested” enough? He doesn’t need to understand that her husband just died, he needs to understand that she’s not interested, which is what she said. Persistance is not necessarily a virtue. (My own personal theory about “nice” guys is that they think life will reward them with the girl they want if they’re persistant about pursuing her. Just do enough romantic things, she’ll have to love you, right?) ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/47 "2009-05-15T15:53:39Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > You are right. However, if you decide to be that way then you don’t get to make snap judgments about others’ characters either. Everyone has a right to refuse interactions with others based on whatever they like, but if I’m rude to the girl who tries to chat with me at the coffee shop because I’m having a pissy day at work It’s MY fault if she comes away with a poor impression of me, not the other way around If I fail, or can’t be arsed to communicate. Obviously, any further approaches or attempts would be in the wrong on the part of the stranger, but I try to conduct myself with at least a smidge of courtesy to people who are being pleasant to me. > > This is called being considerate of others’ feelings. It is usually considered a basic skill we all learn in kindergarten. Yes, I was there the day they taught manners in kindergarten. I think “Do not berate a woman for rejecting your advances for she may be freshly widowed” came in a later class, on a day when SoundMind’s handsome stranger and your good self were absent. Being considerate of other’s feelings includes accepting “I’m not interested” with good grace and moving on. Your interest doesn’t entitle you to reciprocation, information, or anything at all. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/48 "2009-05-15T15:56:32Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > You don’t see the difference between snapping at someone in a coffee shop and turning someone down for a date? A polite “No thank you” is all that’s required if one is not interested. Nothing more. I see the difference, I was just trying to point out that in our day to day lives we have no idea what is going on with the people we interact with be they strangers or people we know well. I do my best to be courteous and polite so as to not inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings. A polite refusal is all that is required, and if that was what happened then that man’s reaction was way out of proportion. However, I’ve found that lots of people, but more often than not, women, let “behind the scene stuff” affect their interactions with others in ways that they either are unaware of, or simply expect others to perceive. There are plenty of ways to inflect “No, thank you” from polite to downright scornful, and everything in between. I’m just saying that when we decide to limit out interactions to the bare minimum we maximize the potential for misinterpretation. ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/49 "2009-05-15T16:01:48Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > I see the difference, I was just trying to point out that in our day to day lives we have no idea what is going on with the people we interact with be they strangers or people we know well. I do my best to be courteous and polite so as to not inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings. A polite refusal is all that is required, and if that was what happened then that man’s reaction was way out of proportion. However, I’ve found that lots of people, but more often than not, women, let “behind the scene stuff” affect their interactions with others in ways that they either are unaware of, or simply expect others to perceive. There are plenty of ways to inflect “No, thank you” from polite to downright scornful, and everything in between. I’m just saying that when we decide to limit out interactions to the bare minimum we maximize the potential for misinterpretation. What in Sound Mind’s post makes you think she was anything but polite to him? You are setting up an odd scenario. When the truth is some guys think that if they ask someone out they are owed if not a Yes a detailed explanation as to why not. When, a “No thank you” should be enough to shut their piehole and stop them from berating people. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/50 "2009-05-15T16:04:20Z")
> [@Basandre](#): > > But why isn’t “I’m not interested” enough? He doesn’t need to understand that her husband just died, he needs to understand that she’s not interested, which is what she said. Persistance is not necessarily a virtue. (My own personal theory about “nice” guys is that they think life will reward them with the girl they want if they’re persistant about pursuing her. Just do enough romantic things, she’ll have to love you, right?) It is enough, but if you limit yourself to the bare bones, then you run the risk of insulting someone, or (sadder to me) losing the opportunity to make a new acquaintance. I’m not saying that she was wrong in any way, only that a misinterpreted reaction becomes far more likely when all you get is three words of refusal. A few more could have let him know why she was refusing, spared his feelings, and maybe left the door cracked open for making a new friend later, when she was feeling better. You are right, that this might encourage people who just don’t get it, but most people aren’t crazy stalkers contrary to the media’s opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/51 "2009-05-15T16:10:19Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > What in Sound Mind’s post makes you think she was anything but polite to him? You are setting up an odd scenario. When the truth is some guys think that if they ask someone out they are owed if not a Yes a detailed explanation as to why not. When, a “No thank you” should be enough to shut their piehole and stop them from berating people. Some guys are not equivalent to every guy. An extra four or five word sentence is hardly a “detailed explanation”; but it often is enough to let him or her know that it’s nothing personal. I’m not knocking **Sound Mind** , but it really seems strange that someone would go off like that on the basis of nothing more than a politely spoken “I’m not interested”. I’m sure that there are people out there like that, but the vast majority are not so touchy, nor do I think that is representative of even the normal “nice guy” who we are all discussing in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/52 "2009-05-15T16:12:25Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > No. Some people like a little “danger” in the courting process. We like those endorphin rushes and heart flips, when sometimes you wonder if he really likes you, or those _is he going to call!!_ moments. We know that if we do eventually settle down with this person, it’ll become mundane and safe, but just for that little while of dating, we like a little chase. Boring is… well, boring. Sounds perfectly human, to me. Why in the world would anyone like that? ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/53 "2009-05-15T16:14:31Z")
> [@Lacunae\_Matata](#): > > “The East Bumblefuck Dryhumps.” Best fake sports team name ever. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/54 "2009-05-15T16:23:37Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Well..that comment is pretty out of line. I’m a misogynist because..why again? Come on, you’re notorious around here for your misogynism- it’s not just this thread. Don’t pretend you don’t know. [Quoting myself]_Some people like a little “danger” in the courting process._[Quoting myself] > [@msmith537](#): > > Meaning what? Not physical danger, of course. I just mean “the chase”, the little scary thrill that comes from not knowing if you’re going to be able to close the deal, or not, for a little while. When someone throws themselves at you and claims to _really, really like you!!_ on the first or second date, it’s a turnoff. It’s disingenuous, creepy, and unattractive. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/55 "2009-05-15T16:27:42Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > … it really seems strange that someone would go off like that on the basis of nothing more than a politely spoken “I’m not interested”. I’m sure that there are people out there like that, but the vast majority are not so touchy, nor do I think that is representative of even the normal “nice guy” who we are all discussing in this thread. It happens. > [@I gave my number to a man who I have no interest in](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-gave-my-number-to-a-man-who-i-have-no-interest-in/417563/10): > > Some months ago I went out and a guy was hitting on me. He wasn’t hideous and I had no reason to believe he was anything other than a decent human being, but I felt no attraction to him whatsoever\*. It’s always embarrassing to find yourself talking to someone who is clearly attracted to you when it’s not mutual. Anyway, I told him straight out that I was always happy to make new friends but that I wasn’t looking to meet a guy at the present time (which was true, even though it omitted the fact that I wouldn’t be attracted to him even if I was cruising for guys) and there was no chance for romantic involvement between us. I said he didn’t have to run off and I’d be happy to continue to chat if he wanted to but if he opted to move on, I understood. He wanted to know why I didn’t want a romantic involvement. I told him - with a smile - that was my own business and not something I wanted to share. He asked if I’d had my heart broken, or was I involved with someone else, or if he’d done something wrong or if it was something to do with his looks/personality/approach. I told him again that it just wasn’t open for discussion, that my reasons were my own and that all he needed to know was that I wasn’t looking to get involved with anyone, the end. He persisted in pushing me to tell him why I wasn’t interested. I told him that I didn’t think I owed him - a stranger - any answers and that it was my own business, and just because he was attracted to me it didn’t make me obligated to share my personal life with him. He then asked if he would come in the following week to find me with my tongue halfway down someone else’s throat, as had happened to him in the past. I asked how long he thought was a reasonable time for them - and me - to wait, and said that even if he did find me in such a position, it was none of his business and that if I changed my mind about getting involved with someone then I certainly didn’t feel I owed him an explanation for it. I pointed out that I’d allowed him to buy me one drink and I had returned the favour by buying him a drink so we were square, that I hadn’t lead him on in any way and that I’d told him the truth outright so that if he wanted to look for something more with someone else, he hadn’t wasted his whole evening on fruitlessly pursuing me, and that beyond that I didn’t think he had any right to any piece of my life. Finally, after what felt like forever, he gave up on the attempted persuasion and emotional blackmail and left me alone. I see it this way: If she politely, with a smile and nod of regret told him as gently as possible that she was not interested at this time and he berated her for it, he was an ass. If she scornfully glared at him, wrinkled her nose in disgust and snapped “Not interested”, he still had no business berating her. He should have walked off without a second glance and thanked his lucky stars that she wasn’t interested, because who would want to know someone like that. And I suspect the reality was somewhere in between. Maybe while not intending to be rude, she wasn’t as gracious and eloquent as the etiquette books would have instructed her to be (as few people are at their best in times of sorrow or when put on the spot unexpectedly, and she was confronted with both) but if he’d given her the consideration you’re saying she owed him, he should have considered that she might have had other things going on in her life and left it at that. He berated a stranger without knowing what was going on in her life, and what was going on was absolutely no business of his in the first place. She did not owe him an explanation for why she wasn’t interested. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/56 "2009-05-15T16:30:23Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > Some guys are not equivalent to every guy. An extra four or five word sentence is hardly a “detailed explanation”; but it often is enough to let him or her know that it’s nothing personal. > > I’m not knocking **Sound Mind** , but it really seems strange that someone would go off like that on the basis of nothing more than a politely spoken “I’m not interested”. I’m sure that there are people out there like that, but the vast majority are not so touchy, nor do I think that is representative of even the normal “nice guy” who we are all discussing in this thread. I can’t imagine how difficult it can be for some guys to approach women and I feel sorry for guys because they are, in societal terms, the one who ends up doing the approaching. What I don’t think some people understand is how often women are approached by men and how often they do not take the original no for an answer. From the many threads here on the subject, men seem to not appreciate the little white lie of “I have a boyfriend” so any other reason is an invitation for some kind of negotiation. Perhaps the men you know would try no such thing, but I assure you that a great many of men do just that. “Oh come on, give me a chance.” “You never know until you try.” “It’s just your phone number, I’m not asking you to marry me. Jeez!” “What’s one date hurt? If you don’t like me after that, no problem” …and on and on. Those are actually examples of polite rebuttals. And no, it’s not just drunk men in bars that resort to things like “What are you a dyke?” or “Whatever, you’re not that pretty anyway.” or something equally stupid. The last time I offered an explanation “Sorry, I’m just not interested in dating now.” that turned into him giving me two out of the above examples and a few more negotiation tactics. I hardly think I am the exception to the rule as my friends have experienced this type of thing too. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/57 "2009-05-15T16:36:02Z")
You know, it’s all your\* fault for making us watch shit movies like _The Notebook_, where the object lesson is that if you annoy the crap out of a girl and threaten to jump off a ferris wheel she’ll go out with you. \*plural feminine you® ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/58 "2009-05-15T16:37:02Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > I see it this way: If she politely, with a smile and nod of regret told him as gently as possible that she was not interested at this time and he berated her for it, he was an ass. > > If she scornfully glared at him, wrinkled her nose in disgust and snapped “Not interested”, he still had no business berating her. He should have walked off without a second glance and thanked his lucky stars that she wasn’t interested, because who would want to know someone like that. > > And I suspect the reality was somewhere in between. Maybe while not intending to be rude, she wasn’t as gracious and eloquent as the etiquette books would have instructed her to be (as few people are at their best in times of sorrow or when put on the spot unexpectedly, and she was confronted with both) but if he’d given her the consideration you’re saying she owed him, he should have considered that she might have had other things going on in her life and left it at that. He berated a stranger without knowing what was going on in her life, and what was going on was absolutely no business of his in the first place. She did not owe him an explanation for why she wasn’t interested. I agree with all of this. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/59 "2009-05-15T16:43:44Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > Of course, after reading a couple more of his comments I believe he didn’t read the link in the OP _at all_ and was responding to the thoughts circling in his brain. Or he could be responding to \*\*msmith537 \*\*when he said: > [@](#): > > I’m not sure what to make of it, but to me, there seems like if you are in your mid to late thirties, fourties or even fifties and still rejecting guys who are “too nice”, maybe there is a problem with you? This seems to imply to me, “Hey grandma. Lower yer frickin’ standards already.” It’s as if to say something is clearly wrong with these women, which is why they’ve been single all this time. Maybe they should stop rejecting men because they’re nice! Which is also absurd. These guys aren’t being rejected out of niceness, for one, and for another, I wouldn’t assume a woman is a “beggar” because she is single at 50. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2009, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457/60 "2009-05-15T17:10:49Z")
> [@niblet\_head](#): > > Well, that’s not very “nice”. I guess I’m compelled to fuck your brains out now. I find myself inexplicably drawn to you since you’re mean to me. > > :rolleyes: Okaay…that’s a bit of a non-sequitur. If you don’t want to discuss the topic, simply opt out like a normal person. > [@KarlGrenze](#): > > We women are “too nice” and don’t want to damage the man’s (Nice Guy) precious feelings. > > I’m joking, please don’t kill me. You have to. We men are pretty thick sometimes when it comes to figuring out the difference between “go away” and “try harder stupid”. > [@Sleeps With Butterflies](#): > > You completely missed the point. Based on the info in the OP (just ages, locations, and jobs) ParentalAdvisory called these women “beggars” in post #15. Beggars can’t be choosers. Armed with nothing more than these three pieces of information he decided they are beggars. For all he knows they are highly attractive women who have men hitting on them every day they go outside. The only assumption I can make is that they are single women of various ages. Their locations and careers are mostly irrelevant, other than we can assume that as professional women they are reasonably well groomed and intelligent (but not necessarily). We don’t know the circumstances of their singleness either - never married and looking, never married and not looking, windowed, divorced, etc. So you’re right. We don’t know if they are women who just can’t seem to find that special someone after decades of dating (IOW beggers) or are recently back out there for some reason or another not of their own making. But if they have been single for a long time, I would wonder if there is something they might be doing to sabotage their potential relationships. > [@Cazzel](#): > > I think part of what bugs me about him is that he sometimes talks about how he doesn’t think he’ll ever find a relationship and how sad that makes him, and how he really wants to meet a girl, fall in love, get married, have kids… but then he can’t be bothered going out or taking up a hobby or visiting a pub or doing anything that would put him in contact with actual humans. It’s like he expects it to fall into his lap. He’s not living a life anyone would want to share, so it shouldn’t surprise him that he hasn’t met anyone who wants to share it. Yikes. Now I can’t stand him. I’m sure you made the right choice. No one wants to date some depressed homebody. I’ve seen the opposite though where a woman is looking for some kind of Mr Big Sex and the City fantasy. In fact one of the women in the OP specifically mentioned that. It’s where a woman meets a perfectly great, regular, non-clingy, non-stanlker guy with lots of friends and interests and a career (i.e. Aiden) but insists on wanting to go back to the jerk who ignores or mistreats her (i.e. Big). There is something sick about those women who think that any guy who treats them well isn’t good enough for them. Basically I guess it comes down to they want the guy who can have any women he wants and are just happy for whatever attention he is willing to pay her. Or they fall in love with an image or fantasy and choose to blind themselves to the reality of the situation. > [@Alice The Goon](#): > > Come on, you’re notorious around here for your misogynism- it’s not just this thread. Don’t pretend you don’t know. Yeah, I get it. It’s still an inappropriate comment though. I’ll have to go back through the archives and see how that whole thing actually started. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-perspective-on-nice-guys-and-the-women-who-wont-date-them/496457.md?page=4)