# Anti-Humor **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 29, 2007, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595 "2007-12-29T15:40:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/21 "2007-12-29T20:48:19Z")
No soap – radio! ---
**Author:** ![ggrez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ea924/32.png) [@ggrez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ggrez)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/22 "2007-12-29T20:52:58Z")
I once heard, that if you took all of a man’s body parts and spread them out end to end, then that man would die. ---
**Author:** ![diggleblop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@diggleblop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diggleblop)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/23 "2007-12-29T20:54:11Z")
What do you do when you cum across a penguin? You wipe him off. * * * Two men walked into a bar, the third one ducked. ---
**Author:** ![Crawlspace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Crawlspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crawlspace)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/24 "2007-12-29T21:02:47Z")
Q: What’s black and white and red all over? A: A skunk in a blender. ---
**Author:** ![ggrez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ea924/32.png) [@ggrez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ggrez)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/25 "2007-12-29T21:06:33Z")
> [@](#): > > Orignialy posted by **diggleblop** > > What do you do when you cum across a penguin? > > You wipe him off. I once wrote a book on penguins. Paper would’ve been easier. ---
**Author:** ![Randy\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee7513/32.png) [@Randy\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randy_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/26 "2007-12-29T21:09:34Z")
The anti-funny is my absolute favorite kind of funny!! Here’s one of my favorite jokes ever: > [@](#): > > So a guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. As the bartender hands him the drink, the bartender suddenly drops the beer and gives a little yell. > “Hey man! What on earth? Your head is a giant pumpkin!” > The bar patron, whose head, is, in fact, a giant pumpkin, sighs and says, “Indeed it is, my good man. Indeed it is.” > “But why? Why is your head a giant pumpkin?” asks the confused barkeep. > “Well it’s quite a tale,” says our hero, "Allow me to tell it. > “You see, one day a few weeks ago, I was walking along the beach, and I came upon a lamp. And since this is a narrative joke, I knew that I should pick it up and rub it. I did so, and out popped a genie. > ‘I will grant you three wishes,’ he said. > ‘Great,’ I said, ‘First, I wish for amazing riches.’ And bam, there it was. Huge piles of money. > ‘What is your next wish, master?’ asked the genie. > ‘Next, I want a harem of beautiful women at my beck and call.’ And bam, there it was. Thousands of beautiful women to be my very own.” > > “That’s amazing,” says the bartender, “What did you ask the genie for next?” > “Well, for my third wish,” says the unfortunate man, "and here’s where I believe I went wrong: I wished… …that my head were a giant pumpkin." And who can forget this one: > [@](#): > > What’s the only thing worse than getting a paper cut on your tongue?The Holocaust ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/27 "2007-12-29T22:06:22Z")
The most famous anti-joke ever: Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get to the other side. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/28 "2007-12-29T22:15:10Z")
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist bastard! Daniel ---
**Author:** ![t-mobileguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@t-mobileguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/t-mobileguy)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/29 "2007-12-30T00:47:07Z")
[QUOTE=Dead Badger] Okay, don’t crucify me; I just think this is exactly what the OP is after: What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Anal rape. [/QUOTE] Am I a bad person because I laughed at this for like an hour? Hell I’m laughing at most of them! i’m so going to hell… :sniker: cause she was a woman 😃😃😃 ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Purl_McKnittington)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/30 "2007-12-30T02:43:17Z")
This is paraphrased from _A Prairie Home Companion_. There were these two penguins sitting on an ice floe, and the first penguin says to the second penguin, “You know, it looks like we’re wearing tuxedos.” And the second penguin turns to the first penguin and says, “What makes you think I’m not?” ---
**Author:** ![coffinjumper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@coffinjumper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffinjumper)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/31 "2007-12-30T02:55:22Z")
I love these things. How do you drown a blonde? Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? Repeated absences and stealing. How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house? You don’t, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn’t worry about it, really. Man 1: Knock, Knock Man 2: Who’s there? Man 1: It’s me Johnny. Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a drink. A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road. He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says “I can’t fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I’m going too fast, just yell.” The black man says “No thanks, that sounds pretty risky” and keeps pushing his bike down the road. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/32 "2007-12-30T03:05:13Z")
Just remember that wherever you go, there you are. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/33 "2007-12-30T04:14:53Z")
**Q:** What’s the difference between a duck? **A:** One of its legs are both the same. **Q:** How many surrealists does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? **A:** Giraffe. ---
**Author:** ![Will\_Repair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a698b9/32.png) [@Will\_Repair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Will_Repair)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/34 "2007-12-30T05:28:14Z")
[QUOTE=lissener] **Q:** How many surrealists does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? **A:** Giraffe. [/QUOTE] I heard: Two, one to hold the Giraffe the other to fill the bathtub with multicolored power tools. **Q:** How many Zen Buddhist does it take to screw in a light bulb? **A:** The nightingale sings in the garden. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/35 "2007-12-30T06:28:20Z")
I’m not sure if it qualifies for the OP- I can see an argument either way- but Kurt Vonnegut said this was one of his favorite jokes: Q: What’s the white stuff in the middle of bird shit? A: That’s bird shit too. ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/36 "2007-12-30T23:04:32Z")
Q: What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship? A: Let’s get on the ship, men! Q: Why did the plane crash? A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread! Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing? A: Because someone threw a piano at her. Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A: “Where’s my tractor?” Q: What’s red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint. Did you hear about the pirate movie? It was rated R for Strong Language and Adult Situations. How many lightbulbs does it take to screw up an astronomer? A man walks into a bar with a whale under his arm and a bird on his shoulder. The bar tender says “What’ll it be” and the bird replies “chirp chirp.” ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/37 "2007-12-30T23:06:57Z")
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/38 "2007-12-30T23:31:59Z")
Hickory dickory dock A cow ran up the clock The clock collapsed ---
**Author:** ![Meltdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Meltdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meltdown)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/39 "2007-12-30T23:56:50Z")
Q: How do you stop a monkey from stealing your credit cards? A: Hit him with a bus! ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2007, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595/40 "2007-12-31T00:00:47Z")
[QUOTE=Sampiro] Q: What’s the white stuff in the middle of bird shit? A: That’s bird shit too. [/QUOTE] I was always told it was bird _pee._ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-humor/431595.md?page=3)