# Anti-jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 15, 2011, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158 "2011-07-15T19:05:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/41 "2011-07-17T02:49:17Z")
There was never a kid named Johnny Fuckerfaster. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/42 "2011-07-17T03:42:05Z")
A man walking along the riverside comes across a fish. To his surprise, the fish says to him “Hey, you! Hey, buddy! I’m a magic fish! Throw me back in the river and save me, and I’ll give you three wishes!” So the guy throws the fish back in and yells “DIE! DIE! DIE!” ---
**Author:** ![Indistinguishable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/90ced4/32.png) [@Indistinguishable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indistinguishable)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/43 "2011-07-17T03:46:21Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Wouldn’t the classic, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.” fit the definition of an anti-joke? Bingo. How amusingly odd that the first joke we all ritualistically learn as very young children is one which we can’t actually appreciate at that point, as we don’t yet have any familiarity with the expectations (set by all those other jokes we haven’t yet experienced) it’s intend to subvert. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/44 "2011-07-17T03:52:21Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Wouldn’t the classic, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.” fit the definition of an anti-joke? Likewise: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To hold their pants up. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/45 "2011-07-17T04:10:05Z")
Two guys are waiting for a bus chatting. The first guy asks “so, what do you do for a living?” and the guy answers “Well, I’m a beekeeper.” “You gotta be kidding me!” the first guy says. “I’m a beekeeper too! How many bees do you have?” The second guy thinks for a second and says “Oh, about ten thousand bees.” “Wow,” says the first guy. “About how many hives is that?” “Ten hives.” “So about a thousand bees a hive?” “That sounds about right. How about you? How many bees do you have?” “You’re not going to believe this, but I have _one million bees_.” “_One million bees!_ That’s incredible! How many hives?!?” “Oh, just one.” “_One hive!_ Good God! Aren’t they a little crowded?” The guy shrugs. “Fuck 'em.” ---
**Author:** ![brewha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@brewha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brewha)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/46 "2011-07-17T04:39:47Z")
> [@Crawlspace](#): > > Norm MacDonald did a whole slew of them at the [Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget](http://vodpod.com/watch/964947-this-man-is-for-the-birds). that was bad. painfully bad. I like Norm, but those weren’t even jokes. I felt bad for not laughing and think that the people that were laughing were just doing it out of pity. ---
**Author:** ![Indistinguishable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/90ced4/32.png) [@Indistinguishable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indistinguishable)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/47 "2011-07-17T04:40:40Z")
> [@brewha](#): > > that was bad. painfully bad. I like Norm, but those weren’t even jokes. I felt bad for not laughing and think that the people that were laughing were just doing it out of pity. They were _meant_ to be that way. “Anti-jokes”, so to speak… Why, we should start a thread on the subject. ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/48 "2011-07-17T05:34:34Z")
> [@pravnik](#): > > Two guys are waiting for a bus chatting. The first guy asks “so, what do you do for a living?” and the guy answers “Well, I’m a beekeeper.” > > “You gotta be kidding me!” the first guy says. “I’m a beekeeper too! How many bees do you have?” The second guy thinks for a second and says “Oh, about ten thousand bees.” > > “Wow,” says the first guy. “About how many hives is that?” > > “Ten hives.” > > “So about a thousand bees a hive?” > > “That sounds about right. How about you? How many bees do you have?” > > “You’re not going to believe this, but I have _one million bees_.” > > “_One million bees!_ That’s incredible! How many hives?!?” > > “Oh, just one.” > > “_One hive!_ Good God! Aren’t they a little crowded?” > > The guy shrugs. “Fuck 'em.” That is the funniest joke I’ve heard in a long time. Where did you hear it? ---
**Author:** ![Shmendrik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Shmendrik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shmendrik)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/49 "2011-07-17T06:21:16Z")
I think my two year old told me one of these yesterday. Knock knock Who’s there? Me! ---
**Author:** ![George\_Kaplin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3e96dc/32.png) [@George\_Kaplin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/George_Kaplin)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/50 "2011-07-17T06:43:56Z")
Why does Donald Duck wear a little sailor suit? Because he’s a cunt. ---
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/51 "2011-07-17T07:21:54Z")
A poet named William McGonagall Once tried his hand writing limericks. But he never got The meter thing quite right And his lyrics didn’t rhyme either. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/52 "2011-07-17T07:41:24Z")
> [@George\_Kaplin](#): > > Why does Donald Duck wear a little sailor suit? > > Because he’s a cunt. Nearly pissed myself! ---
**Author:** ![Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Metal_Lotus)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/53 "2011-07-18T00:29:49Z")
I heard Steven Reich tell this anti joke. But it urned out to be so sublime, so subtle that the audience just sat there stunned for a full 5 seconds… Then burst out laughing. It was like an meta anti joke… I would tell you the joke… but I forgot it. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/54 "2011-07-18T03:21:33Z")
I can’t tell whether “Steven Reich” is an anti-joke, an actual joke, or an unintentional joke. Mission accomplished! ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/55 "2011-07-18T03:31:43Z")
> [@Lust4Life](#): > > To understand this non joke you must have heard the original real joke, which is… > > A woman walks into Canterbury cathedral wearing a toples dress. > > A church official approaches her and asks her to leave. > > The woman says “But Father I have a divine right !” > > "You have a divine left aswellmy dear, but you still have to leave. " > > But the non joke version is “But Father I have a divine right” > > “I don’t give a fuck, I’M the one who’s Archbishop, so fuck off out of my church” > > (Excusing my French.) You could apply this to any joke really. Why did the chicken cross the road? Who cares. Fuck off, it’s a chicken. How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb? Who cares. Fuck off, just have them change it already. ---
**Author:** ![Marconi\_N.Cheese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Marconi\_N.Cheese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marconi_N.Cheese)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/56 "2011-07-18T04:09:02Z")
> [@pravnik](#): > > A man walking along the riverside comes across a fish. To his surprise, the fish says to him “Hey, you! Hey, buddy! I’m a magic fish! Throw me back in the river and save me, and I’ll give you three wishes!” > > So the guy throws the fish back in and yells “DIE! DIE! DIE!” That’s some seriously funny shit right there. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/57 "2011-07-18T04:19:40Z")
> [@PlainJain](#): > > How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb? > Who cares. Fuck off, just have them change it already. The New Yorker version of the light bulb joke is like this, but it’s an actual joke. How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? [New York accent]: _Fuck you!_ ---
**Author:** ![Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Metal_Lotus)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/58 "2011-07-18T08:08:42Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > I can’t tell whether “Steven Reich” is an anti-joke, an actual joke, or an unintentional joke. > > Mission accomplished! Thank you, I wasn’t sure myself, either… ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/59 "2011-07-18T12:43:26Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > The New Yorker version of the light bulb joke is like this, but it’s an actual joke. > > How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? > > [New York accent]: _Fuck you!_ This probably isn’t an anti-joke either, but it kind of is: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? _That’s not funny!_ ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/60 "2011-07-18T13:50:03Z")
I swear to the Cosmos, this is a true story: My SIL and I are in a mall, telling each other New York City jokes. As we approach the down escalator, I say "The ultimate NYC joke: Tourist goes up to a lady and says “Can you tell me where Carnegie Hall is, or should I just go fuck myself?” I step onto escalator. Ten seconds later, my SIL says “Or should I what?” I turn around, say “Or should I go fuck myself?” and then realize I am talking to a middle aged woman I never saw before in my life, who got on the escaltor between SIL and me. I snap my head forward, clamp my lips together and put my hand over my mouth, and left out a very loud snort. Behind me, I hear my SIL say “Oh Fuck.” When we got off the escalator, we laughed so hard we could not stand up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158.md?page=4)