# Anti-jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 15, 2011, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158 "2011-07-15T19:05:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![elninost0rm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@elninost0rm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elninost0rm)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/61 "2011-07-18T13:55:55Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > What’s black, white and red and can’t turn around in a hallway? > > A nun with a spear through her head. I have no idea why, but I can’t stop laughing at this. ---
**Author:** ![smaje1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@smaje1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smaje1)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/62 "2011-07-18T22:24:07Z")
A baby seal walks into a club. ---
**Author:** ![Rex\_Goliath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bcef8e/32.png) [@Rex\_Goliath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rex_Goliath)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/63 "2011-07-19T08:21:46Z")
> [@brewha](#): > > What do you call a black guy that flies airplanes for a living? > > A Pilot - you racist! Improved punchline: Niggas With Altitude ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/64 "2011-07-19T08:43:21Z")
[Bernard Righton](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svLyyzBC_qI). There’s a black fella, a Pakistani and Jew in a nightclub having a drink. What a fine example of an integrated community. There’s a lesbian, a bisexual and a homosexual in a wine bar having a drink. They had a great night. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/65 "2011-07-19T14:19:10Z")
A man’s mother-in-law comes to live with him and his wife. After a year of horrible stress and family distress, he comes home to find her lying in the middle of the floor. They rush her to the hospital and a few hours later, the doctor comes into the waiting room and says, “Well, I have good news and bad news.” The man says, “What’s the bad news?” The doctor says, “She’s had a massive stroke and is completely paralyzed. She can’t speak, all she can do is squawk like a parrot. She can’t feed herself, so someone will have to spoonfeed her three times a day. And she’s totally incontinent, so someone will have to be at her side constantly to clean her up and change her diaper.” The man says, “Oh my god - what’s the good news?” The doctor says, “With the advances in modern medical science, we predict that she’ll be able to live for another 20 to 30 years!” The man says, “You call that good news?” The doctor says, “Nah, I’m just messin’ with ya. She died.” ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/66 "2011-07-19T14:37:08Z")
> [@Punoqllads](#): > > A poet named William McGonagall > Once tried his hand writing limericks. > But he never got > The meter thing quite right > And his lyrics didn’t rhyme either. There once was a lady from Bude Who went for a swim in the lake When a man in a punt Stuck a pole in her ear And said “You can’t swim here - it’s private.” ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/67 "2011-07-19T14:40:02Z")
What’s black and white and red all over? The newspaper I wrap my victims in. What goes up when the rain comes down? God’s pitiful creations attempting to escape the rising waters. What did the prostitute say to the bishop? Nice hat. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/68 "2011-07-19T14:55:46Z")
> [@PlainJain](#): > > You could apply this to any joke really. > > Why did the chicken cross the road? > Who cares. Fuck off, it’s a chicken. > > How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb? > Who cares. Fuck off, just have them change it already. Not an anti-joke, but: Q: How do you get a woman off after you already came? A: Who cares? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2012, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/69 "2012-12-29T16:07:56Z")
A Pakistani goes up to an Englishman on the streets of London and says “Excuse me sir, could you please to be telling me the time, or would you like me to just fuck off?” ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2012, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/70 "2012-12-29T16:49:45Z")
> [@pravnik](#): > > Two guys are waiting for a bus chatting. The first guy asks “so, what do you do for a living?” and the guy answers “Well, I’m a beekeeper.” > > “You gotta be kidding me!” the first guy says. “I’m a beekeeper too! How many bees do you have?” The second guy thinks for a second and says “Oh, about ten thousand bees.” > > “Wow,” says the first guy. “About how many hives is that?” > > “Ten hives.” > > “So about a thousand bees a hive?” > > “That sounds about right. How about you? How many bees do you have?” > > “You’re not going to believe this, but I have _one million bees_.” > > “_One million bees!_ That’s incredible! How many hives?!?” > > “Oh, just one.” > > “_One hive!_ Good God! Aren’t they a little crowded?” > > The guy shrugs. “Fuck 'em.” Holy hell. That’s possibly my new favorite joke. Is there a “real” joke version of this setup? Wow I just can’t stop laughing. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2012, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/71 "2012-12-29T18:22:20Z")
> [@bup](#): > > This probably isn’t an anti-joke either, but it kind of is: > > How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? > > _That’s not funny!_ Or: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![boffking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/858c86/32.png) [@boffking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boffking)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2012, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158/72 "2012-12-29T20:21:50Z")
What is the difference between a duck? One of his legs is both the same. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-jokes/589158.md?page=3)