# Anti-Rape Activists Having a Hard Time Dating **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 29, 2015, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111 "2015-10-29T18:24:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/1 "2015-10-29T18:24:13Z")
From New York Magazine: [Hooking Up When You’re an Anti-Rape Activist](http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/10/hooking-up-when-youre-an-anti-rape-activist.html) > [@](#): > > She animatedly tells a story about a recent Tinder rendezvous: “One time, I agreed to meet with this guy at 8 or 9 at night. Before we met, I said to him, ‘This is the work I do, I know the chief of police … so, don’t try and get creepy; I know all my rights.’ And five minutes later, he was like, ‘Actually, I’m really not OK with how you just assume I’m a bad guy. And I get very bad vibes from that, so we shouldn’t hang out anymore.’” > > “I was in a rage. He was a total fuckboy about consent,” she said. At least one of them had a narrow escape … ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/2 "2015-10-29T18:35:43Z")
> [@](#): > > “I was in a rage. He was a total fuckboy about consent,” she said. What’s a fuckboy in this context? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/3 "2015-10-29T18:40:16Z")
I saw the quote and thought you were taking something horribly out of context, so I read the article. And apparently Keenan really does feel that opening a date/hookup with an immediate threat of going to the police is appropriate and that a man who decides to decline an encounter because of a bad feeling or blatant disrespect is ‘a total fuckboy about consent’. Meanwhile Meghan Warner finds it offensive if a guy tries to reassure her about himself on hearing about her work, and apparently can read his mind if he declines to engage with her. I don’t know if the article is playing games with the quoting, but it really gives me the impression that neither of them respect the right of men to not consent. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/4 "2015-10-29T18:45:38Z")
He was totally asking for the ‘total fuckboy’ moniker. He was probably gay anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/5 "2015-10-29T18:48:21Z")
> [@](#): > > She animatedly tells a story about a recent Tinder rendezvous: “One time, I agreed to meet with this guy at 8 or 9 at night. Before we met, I said to him, ‘This is the work I do, I know the chief of police … so, don’t try and get creepy; I know all my rights.’ And five minutes later, he was like, ‘Actually, I’m really not OK with how you just assume I’m a bad guy. And I get very bad vibes from that, so we shouldn’t hang out anymore.’” > > “I was in a rage. He was a total fuckboy about consent,” she said. Someone she teach her about _no means no_, and shouldn’t take it so personally when a person rejects her. Of course no one want’s to get with these loons that puts on rape glasses every day looking for rape. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/6 "2015-10-29T18:49:55Z")
> [@](#): > > I said to him, ‘This is the work I do, I know the chief of police … so, don’t try and get creepy; I know all my rights.’ I think she needs to put this into her dating profile. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/7 "2015-10-29T19:02:25Z")
Broken people be broken. News at 11. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/8 "2015-10-29T19:06:44Z")
I think I saw this on an episode of _Legit._ ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/9 "2015-10-29T19:09:21Z")
Best comment: > [@christopher.allman](#): > > I am an anti false rape accusation activist. Whenever I meet a woman, I lecture her about how false accusations are bad and how if she makes a false accusation about me, I’ll get her in trouble. > One time a woman was offended by this and didn’t want to meet me anymore and I was SO angry at her! How dare she not appreciate my lectures and negative assumptions about her because of her gender! ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/10 "2015-10-29T19:11:53Z")
I wonder if she gives her vibrator the same lecture. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/11 "2015-10-29T19:12:37Z")
Women are free to say things like that to men they date, and men are free to move on for any reason (including not liking it when women say things like that), and vice versa. And the women are free to feel rage for this, if they so choose. I don’t think it’s necessarily right or wrong for a woman to say such a thing about consent early on in dating, and I don’t think it’s necessarily right or wrong for a man to feel a ‘bad vibe’ or whatever and end contact. To each their own, presuming all are consenting. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/12 "2015-10-29T19:12:53Z")
I would likely respond along the lines of: “Fair enough. I work in the mortgage insurance business and know the chief arson investigator, so don’t even think about having one of your associates torch my house while we’re out!” ---
**Author:** ![Kiber](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kiber/32/317_2.png) [@Kiber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiber)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/13 "2015-10-29T19:35:36Z")
This part stuck out to me: > [@Sofie Karasek](#): > > “Honestly, even if they’re supportive, even if they say all the right things, and really want to discuss my job, it makes me feel weird about hooking up with them,” says Sofie Karasek ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/14 "2015-10-29T19:39:38Z")
The headline and lead are pretty misleading. > [@](#): > > There are several ways an undergraduate suitor can react when his anti-rape-activist date explains what she does. As if _what she does_ is the the thing that ran off the dude in the story. When he gave a perfectly reasonable explanation: she explicitly assumed he was a threat to be warded off. Keenan and the article do somewhat acknowledge her own role in this; she “finds it hard not to go on the offensive.” Yeah, _going on the offensive_ isn’t a great way to open a date for anyone, ever. The particular subject is almost beside the point. Later, the writer characterizes as “insidious” the “expectation that their advocacy — and their own experiences — put them somehow outside the realm of a normal social life.” But… the only person quoted in the article who makes _that_ case is Karasek, another woman activist. > [@](#): > > Honestly, even if they’re supportive, even if they say all the right things, and really want to discuss my job, it makes me feel weird about hooking up with them… It’s like, ‘Oh, we were just talking about rape, and now we’re going to hook up.’ So here we have men who are _clearly not_ deterred by _what she does_, who are supportive, interested, and happy to spend the time with her. _She’s_ feeling that her advocacy or experiences make this “weird.” ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/15 "2015-10-29T19:52:38Z")
> [@Peremensoe](#): > > So here we have men who are _clearly not_ deterred by _what she does_, who are supportive, interested, and happy to spend the time with her. Some guys put up with a lot in order to get into a woman’s pants. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/16 "2015-10-29T19:58:36Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Some guys put up with a lot in order to get into a woman’s pants. True. But there are also plenty of men who wouldn’t see her being an anti-rape activist as a thing to put up with; it’s a cause they _agree_ with. Not fundamentally different than her being political on some other front. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/17 "2015-10-29T19:59:15Z")
> [@Peremensoe](#): > > … So here we have men who are _clearly not_ deterred by _what she does_, who are supportive, interested, and happy to spend the time with her. _She’s_ feeling that her advocacy or experiences make this “weird.” She’s also expecting that he’ll want sex on the first date. Is that the norm now? ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/18 "2015-10-29T20:04:42Z")
I have some friends who are also interested in an answer to Boyo Jims’ question. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/19 "2015-10-29T20:16:54Z")
I started dating in the early 70s and at least in my peer group men always want sex on the first date. That’s different from expecting it to happen vs _hoping_ it will happen. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/20 "2015-10-29T20:20:21Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > She’s also expecting that he’ll want sex on the first date. Is that the norm now? Yes, but only if you can get thru the reference check, background check, and the rest of the paperwork first. I’d like to see these women out on a date with a PUA. Like bringing together an electron and a positron. Regards, Shodan [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111.md?page=2)