# Anti-Rape Activists Having a Hard Time Dating **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 29, 2015, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111 "2015-10-29T18:24:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![piepiepie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47774/32.png) [@piepiepie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/piepiepie)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2015, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/101 "2015-11-01T19:08:04Z")
> [@AncientHumanoid](#): > > Shut down the internet, you’re done. Lemme get my tactical pants. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2015, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/102 "2015-11-01T19:14:13Z")
Are you instigating fisticuffs? Lemme get my 2x4! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2015, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/103 "2015-11-01T19:42:09Z")
> [@piepiepie](#): > > The dude may have expected her to put out, and she may have considered, but then they had a talk and decided they couldn’t meet a mutual standard of consent and just went their separate ways. I would agree she was doing too much with her opening salvo about knowing the cop and her rights or whatever, but I doubt she thought the guy to be some potential rapist as others have suggested. If she didn’t consider him a potential rapist, why threaten him with legal action? Why talk about “knowing her rights,” and knowing the police? As far as I can tell, either (a) they talked about the concept of consent, generally and perhaps obliquely, in the context of talking about “what she does” as an anti-rape activist–and he had no problem with it, because he did want to go out with her, before the salvo; _or_ (b) they never talked about consent at all. The “fuckboy” line itself is the only suggestion that the breakoff had anything to do with “consent” at all. And that’s her characterization of him being deterred by the threats, the aggression, the presumption of ill intent. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2015, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/104 "2015-11-01T19:55:00Z")
Per [my interpretation upthread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=18815492&postcount=14), I’m reckoning that Keenan and Karasek are projecting their own feelings of anger and weirdness, respectively, about dating men, onto the men. It is a shame, because the cause they’re associated with is a good one. Rape is real and serious, and stopping it, changing the cultural factors that facilitate it, is a righteous and worthy thing to do. But “going on the offensive” against _sympathetic_ men, or at least non-problematic ones, is not exactly helpful. ---
**Author:** ![piepiepie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47774/32.png) [@piepiepie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/piepiepie)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2015, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/105 "2015-11-01T20:01:25Z")
> [@Peremensoe](#): > > If she didn’t consider him a potential rapist, why threaten him with legal action? Why talk about “knowing her rights,” and knowing the police? > > As far as I can tell, either (a) they talked about the concept of consent, generally and perhaps obliquely, in the context of talking about “what she does” as an anti-rape activist–and he had no problem with it, because he did want to go out with her, before the salvo; _or_ (b) they never talked about consent at all. > > The “fuckboy” line itself is the only suggestion that the breakoff had anything to do with “consent” at all. And that’s her characterization of him being deterred by the threats, the aggression, the presumption of ill intent. I honestly see it as no different than saying, “my dad’s a cop,” even if she has no familiar (edit: or familial) relation to the cop she name dropped. It’s a tinder hookup. Probably not meeting her future spouse there. And while I don’t use tinder (have no use for it), I probably would’ve if it existed when I was in college not too long ago, and expressly for hooking up. So, she’s probably just getting to know the guy, wants to feel safe with him so she lays it all out there–fuck it why not–and he’s just all “whoa there maybe not,” to which she says “hey fuck off.” Kinda typical exchange, no? I don’t really see the big deal. I had questionable experiences in college, none where I got assaulted, so I’m not gonna judge her too harshly for still wanting to put herself out there while wanting to have a safe and comfortable experience after her assault. I think they’re both being reasonable, but getting interviewed made her come off as slightly pompous. College kids /shrug ---
**Author:** ![piepiepie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47774/32.png) [@piepiepie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/piepiepie)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2015, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/106 "2015-11-01T20:15:14Z")
> [@Peremensoe](#): > > Per [my interpretation upthread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=18815492&postcount=14), I’m reckoning that Keenan and Karasek are projecting their own feelings of anger and weirdness, respectively, about dating men, onto the men. > > It is a shame, because the cause they’re associated with is a good one. Rape is real and serious, and stopping it, changing the cultural factors that facilitate it, is a righteous and worthy thing to do. But “going on the offensive” against _sympathetic_ men, or at least non-problematic ones, is not exactly helpful. I mean, sure? #notallmen and whatever. I just don’t think one article in NY Mag is gonna have much clap back against their overall cause. (Which I recognize this may make me sound like a bad feminist, well, I prefer womanist, but people being upfront about consent isn’t a bad or accusatory thing to me.) ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2015, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/107 "2015-11-01T20:47:08Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I think it depends on where you live and the age of the participants. Around here, having sex on the first date got you labeled easy in high school. It was expected that the guy might try, but that the woman would turn him down. > > But we were also in a huge “purity ring” culture. As in, I’d say two-thirds of the women I met had one. Sure, it didn’t stop sex, but it did seem to make them more reluctant. (and of course, unprepared when it did happen. We didn’t have like 10 teen pregnancies in a class of 200 for nothing.) High school yes. College, no. And this was the midwest. I went to college at the University of Iowa and the University of Minnesota. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2015, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/108 "2015-11-01T21:09:18Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > This thread is not at all clear. Do anti-rape activists insist on a on a continuing series of explicit verbal requests and answers: > Q. May I hold your hand? > A. Yes > Q. May I touch you there? > A. No, but you my touch me here > … So what if they do? I certainly did when I was single and looking for a husband. It’s not too much to expect that a man actually act like a gentleman and (gasp) respect the rights of the women in his company. ---
**Author:** ![oft\_wears\_hats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7993a0/32.png) [@oft\_wears\_hats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oft_wears_hats)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2015, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/109 "2015-11-02T00:28:51Z")
Yeah, she shouldn’t have poisoned the well like that. Or at least, if she was going to do it, she shouldn’t have been surprised when it left a bad taste in the guy’s mouth. The other guy she mentions later who “made consent a part of foreplay” either had above average levels of tolerance or she didn’t choose go into that date “on the offensive.” > [@Peremensoe](#): > > Per [my interpretation upthread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=18815492&postcount=14), I’m reckoning that Keenan and Karasek are projecting their own feelings of anger and weirdness, respectively, about dating men, onto the men. > > It is a shame, because the cause they’re associated with is a good one. Rape is real and serious, and stopping it, changing the cultural factors that facilitate it, is a righteous and worthy thing to do. But “going on the offensive” against _sympathetic_ men, or at least non-problematic ones, is not exactly helpful. Exactly. Not only is it not helpful, but it _harms_ their cause. The people interviewed in that article did not come off that great, IMO. An article like this seems like a divine gift to MRAs and other groups that find themselves opposed to anti-rape activism. I’m sure red-pillers all across the internet are gesturing wildly at that article as definitive “proof” that feminism is a Bad Thing. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2015, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/110 "2015-11-02T16:22:34Z")
> [@Peremensoe](#): > > If she didn’t consider him a potential rapist, why threaten him with legal action? Why talk about “knowing her rights,” and knowing the police? Let’s be clear, everyone’s a _potential_ rapist just as I could _potentially_ be the god of this universe. I don’t know what was going through her head when she told her date all those things. Maybe he gave off a vibe. Maybe she didn’t think he was a rapist but just said that to all her dates. Or maybe she wanted to nip any bad behavior in the bud beforehand. I do know her response was out of line, as if she were entitled to have a guy date her. She didn’t accept that some people would be turned off by her disclaimer and that is her fault entirely ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2015, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/111 "2015-11-02T19:00:32Z")
I’ve been married for 16 years, and started dating my wife steadily in 1995. So, I haven’t had a first date in a looooong time, and (knock on wood), I probably won’t ever have another. Now, it’s extremely regrettable that any woman would ever view me as a potential rapist, but I understand perfectly that women who don’t know me may HAVE to regard me that way. If I’m on a dark street late at night, and a young woman sees me coming, I won’t blame her if she eyes me warily and then crosses the street to get away from me. I know I’m harmless, but she doesn’t. She has to protect herself, and I’m not going to be offended. In the same way, in my single days, if I’d found out that a woman I’d been fixed up with was carrying a can of pepper spray or a pair of brass knuckles in her purse, I wouldn’t blame her. She didn’t know me, had no reason yet to trust me, and she had a right to defend herself if I turned out to be a creep. All that is fine. And in spite of all that, if my date’s first words were, “I know the chief of police and you’d better not try anything creepy, pal,” well, there would be no second date. Hell, I wouldn’t stick around to finish the first date. I’d call her a cab, and say “Have a nice life.” ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2015, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/112 "2015-11-02T20:12:37Z")
Well, yes. There was this girl once, a mere 25 years ago plus small change, who I’d been smitten with for some years, and then when it finally turns out that we’re seeing each other a few times I turn up at her flat one time and she has this giant anti-rape newspaper article pinned up on the wall. The conversation soon turns to “All men are rapists and you needn’t try to pretend \*you’re \*some kind of knight in shining armour”, and about one minute later I’m out of that door thinking “Girl, you need someone kind and patient to sort you out, but not me and not now”. Never saw her since. ---
**Author:** ![CCitizen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@CCitizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CCitizen)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/113 "2016-01-04T02:08:06Z")
> [@Trom](#): > > What’s a fuckboy in this context? 😕 I do not know. In what context would it be fair to say that a woman is a **street corner girl** , or a **girl of the streets** about something? ---
**Author:** ![CCitizen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@CCitizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CCitizen)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/114 "2016-01-04T02:14:27Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > It’s weird that an anti-rape activist uses a word that comes from prison slang that originally referred to a guy who ‘let’ himself get raped, isn’t it? Definitely, such an activist should not be a **call girl** in her choice of language. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/115 "2016-01-04T02:30:43Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Let’s be clear, everyone’s a _potential_ rapist just as I could _potentially_ be the god of this universe. > > I don’t know what was going through her head when she told her date all those things. Maybe he gave off a vibe. Maybe she didn’t think he was a rapist but just said that to all her dates. Or maybe she wanted to nip any bad behavior in the bud beforehand. I do know her response was out of line, as if she were entitled to have a guy date her. She didn’t accept that some people would be turned off by her disclaimer and that is her fault entirely Yes, that’s what I get from this – her reaction suggests it’s unacceptable and censureworthy for anyone to be put off by her strategy. Basically she’s testing her potential dates for how completely and utterly committed are they to her POV/ideology, and there is no “oh well, we disagree and move along”. Nope, he’s down with her position 100% or he’s a total fuckboy. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/116 "2016-01-04T04:31:36Z")
It’s instructive to re-read the article. > **[Hooking Up When You’re an Anti-Rape Activist](https://www.thecut.com/2015/10/hooking-up-when-youre-an-anti-rape-activist.html)** > > For prominent campus activists, navigating the dating world is complicated. It’s something of a gauntlet for man to agree to a relationship with these women. If you are not down with the upfront warning you are a cowardly “fuckboy”, if you are fully compliant and supportive and supportive of her position it’s just “weird” for them. Some men may see this as a challenge, but to be in a relationship where your motives are constantly being second guessed and questioned is exhausting after a while. Which ever way you turn you are walking on eggshells. And given the opinions and personalities expressed in the article I don’t think you could extract yourself from these relationships without taking a scalding verbal beating by them. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/117 "2016-01-04T04:40:02Z")
> [@astro](#): > > It’s instructive to re-read the article. > > [Hooking Up When You’re an Anti-Rape Activist](http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/10/hooking-up-when-youre-an-anti-rape-activist.html) > > It’s something of a gauntlet for man to agree to a relationship with these women. If you are not down with the upfront warning you are a cowardly “fuckboy”, if you are fully compliant and supportive and supportive of her position it’s just “weird” for them. Those are statements from two different women. It’s not really fair to conflate them as if they came from one monolithic source that’s exhibiting a double standard. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/118 "2016-01-04T07:54:28Z")
They chatted, and based on that he did not consent to moving the relationship forward, which infuriated her, proving that she is unbalanced and that he was wise in not consenting. I guess that means a fuckboy is someone who can recognize and reject an abusive nutter. ---
**Author:** ![TheAllSeeingEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/919ad9/32.png) [@TheAllSeeingEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheAllSeeingEye)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/119 "2016-01-04T08:04:38Z")
So much poison comes from one country. On the one lunatic politics like radical feminism, on the other simulated rape porn by the bucketful. The sooner we cut tied with American culture the happier we will all be. ---
**Author:** ![TheAllSeeingEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/919ad9/32.png) [@TheAllSeeingEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheAllSeeingEye)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/120 "2016-01-04T08:08:34Z")
Lol" is this Ok, is this Ok? " What a turn on that must have been. Chump [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111.md?page=7)