# Anti-Rape Activists Having a Hard Time Dating **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 29, 2015, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111 "2015-10-29T18:24:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/121 "2016-01-04T08:22:02Z")
> [@astro](#): > > And given the opinions and personalities expressed in the article I don’t think you could extract yourself from these relationships without taking a scalding verbal beating by them. I agree, I don’t think this type of women could ever break up civilly with a boyfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/122 "2016-01-04T08:23:55Z")
> [@TheAllSeeingEye](#): > > So much poison comes from one country. On the one lunatic politics like radical feminism, on the other simulated rape porn by the bucketful. The sooner we cut tied with American culture the happier we will all be. “We” who? ---
**Author:** ![TheAllSeeingEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/919ad9/32.png) [@TheAllSeeingEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheAllSeeingEye)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/123 "2016-01-04T09:46:36Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Well, sure, if it’s possible to have sex even before a first date, I’d want that too. You guys are asking for trouble if you’ll put your dick into just any woman. A person who wants to shag a complete stranger instead of , say, having maybe a few regular FWBs, has something srsl wrong with them. srsly. She crazy, but so are you if you think there’s ever ‘no strings’ ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/124 "2016-01-04T10:59:49Z")
There were many times when I was pushing too hard with a woman and she told me no and I respected that and backed off. She knew I respected “no means no” but she fully understood I was up for going further. It never was a relationship breaker. Thing is how does a man know when he goes to far? If we were making out, is it ok to start touching her breasts? Its not like there is a checklist. Should a man have to ask permission for everything? All she had to say was “nope” or push my hand away and I would back off. Now in this case I can imagine the threat of jail not if but when you go to far would just be too much and the man would seek companionship elsewhere. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/125 "2016-01-04T12:09:10Z")
Here is the thing. Normal human interactions don’t bring with the presumption that the other party is out to get you, or at least not stated out loud unprovoked. If a woman tells me right off the bat without any other thing done or contemplated that “don’t plan to rape me, I know people”; I am going to pass on her. Maybe that makes me an agent of the “patriarchy”, don’t care. Of course its the same when a passerby stops me on the street for directions and says “btw don’t mug me, the chief of police is my sister-in-law” or a shopwner says “don swipe stuff, cops are my besties” the moment I step into the establishment. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/126 "2016-01-04T12:36:17Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Here is the thing. Normal human interactions don’t bring with the presumption that the other party is out to get you, or at least not stated out loud unprovoked. If a woman tells me right off the bat without any other thing done or contemplated that “don’t plan to rape me, I know people”; I am going to pass on her. Maybe that makes me an agent of the “patriarchy”, don’t care. > > Of course its the same when a passerby stops me on the street for directions and says “btw don’t mug me, the chief of police is my sister-in-law” or a shopwner says “don swipe stuff, cops are my besties” the moment I step into the establishment. Yeah, that reminds me of one time we were travelling with our dog and we stopped at a campsite. I went in and talked to the office and the owner made this huge deal about what would happen if he saw my dog poop in his campground. Now I’ve always cleaned up after him but his attitude made me turn around and leave. ---
**Author:** ![TheAllSeeingEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/919ad9/32.png) [@TheAllSeeingEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheAllSeeingEye)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/127 "2016-01-04T12:57:50Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Yeah, that reminds me of one time we were travelling with our dog and we stopped at a campsite. I went in and talked to the office and the owner made this huge deal about what would happen if he saw my dog poop in his campground. Now I’ve always cleaned up after him but his attitude made me turn around and leave. Correct. On a tangent, this automatic suspicion is what black dudes get from whites all the time. And this is whitey talking. If it happened everywhere you took your dog pretty soon youd be letting him shit anywhere he wanted out of resentment. Think on that brother. Or dont. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/128 "2016-01-04T13:20:41Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Those are statements from two different women. It’s not really fair to conflate them as if they came from one monolithic source that’s exhibiting a double standard. True, the article was IMO a bit too compressed in general and especially WRT examples of real experiences. Still in both cases, the preemptive and the “wait a minute why is he being so supportive, this is weird”, it puts one or both of the parties in a permanent high-defensive position and that may not be sustainable. > [@Muffin](#): > > They chatted, and based on that he did not consent to moving the relationship forward, which infuriated her, proving that she is unbalanced and that he was wise in not consenting. > [@TheAllSeeingEye](#): > > Lol" is this Ok, is this Ok? " What a turn on that must have been. Actually, yes, to a number of people yes, that is what they feel should be the “right” way to go along. Contrary to **TheAllSeeinEye** ’s opinion of him, what the second quoted woman found was someone who said oh sure, I’ll play that game. Notice she implies he did not do so in a cringing manner but incorporated it in the normal progression. The first quoted woman, OTOH, yes, did seem indignant that the man didn’t “get” what was the desired reaction. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/129 "2016-01-04T13:27:02Z")
> [@TheAllSeeingEye](#): > > Correct. On a tangent, this automatic suspicion is what black dudes get from whites all the time. And this is whitey talking. > > If it happened everywhere you took your dog pretty soon youd be letting him shit anywhere he wanted out of resentment. > > Think on that brother. Or dont. Do I have your permission to pat you on the head, little troll? ---
**Author:** ![WF\_Tomba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d9b06d/32.png) [@WF\_Tomba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WF_Tomba)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2016, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/130 "2016-01-04T16:02:18Z")
> [@JRDelirious](#): > > Actually, yes, to a number of people yes, that is what they feel should be the “right” way to go along. Contrary to **TheAllSeeinEye** ’s opinion of him, what the second quoted woman found was someone who said oh sure, I’ll play that game. Notice she implies he did not do so in a cringing manner but incorporated it in the normal progression. When my girlfriend deflowered me, she did the “Is this OK?” thing. I thought it was very considerate and responsible of her to treat me that way, given that it was my first time. But I soon made a point of telling her that she didn’t need to ask permission. If someone needed it to be like that every time, I don’t know if I could be with that person. I want to take and be taken! ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2016, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/131 "2016-01-05T04:55:15Z")
I can’t imagine what kind of response she’s expecting: I think I’d have to go with: “oh wait, I just remembered I’m gay” and then gently lay the phone down so she can lecture herself uninterrupted until she cries herself to sleep. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2016, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/132 "2016-01-05T06:04:53Z")
> [@JRDelirious](#): > > True, the article was IMO a bit too compressed in general and especially WRT examples of real experiences. Still in both cases, the preemptive and the “wait a minute why is he being so supportive, this is weird”, it puts one or both of the parties in a permanent high-defensive position and that may not be sustainable. I won’t try to defend the first woman, whose attitude could most charitably could be described as “immature.” (And less charitably as “batshit crazy”) The second woman’s story, though, I think I can see where she’s coming from. She’s talking about hook-ups, not long-term relationships, and I’d be a little :dubious: if I was talking to someone who could effortlessly segue from, “Man, rape is totally horrible,” to “So, how about we take our pants off?” without hitting any mental speed bumps. I mean, if I’m trying to get someone in bed, there’s a couple topics I try not to dwell on, just on general principles, and “sexual assault” is pretty high on that list. It’s kind of a mood killer, you know? And if it’s not a mood killer for someone… yeah, I can see wanting to back away from that. ---
**Author:** ![Richox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Richox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richox)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2016, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/133 "2016-01-05T10:27:43Z")
> [@TheAllSeeingEye](#): > > If it happened everywhere you took your dog pretty soon youd be letting him shit anywhere he wanted out of resentment. Is the dog feeling resentment or his owner in this situation? I’m just not sure whats driving the dogs behavior and I want to get to the bottom of it. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2016, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/134 "2016-01-05T17:28:44Z")
> [@TheAllSeeingEye](#): > > You guys are asking for trouble if you’ll put your dick into just any woman. A person who wants to shag a complete stranger instead of , say, having maybe a few regular FWBs, has something srsl wrong with them. srsly. > She crazy, but so are you if you think there’s ever ‘no strings’ I’ve seen more Big Feet than I’ve had friends with benifits. I’m begining to think they are an urban legend myself ---
**Author:** ![Grim\_Render](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a87d85/32.png) [@Grim\_Render](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grim_Render)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2016, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/135 "2016-01-05T19:52:18Z")
Maybe my knowledge of contemporary English is letting me down, but isn’t Tinder used for brief sexual encounters? And “hookup” is slang for a sexual encounter, not a date? ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2016, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/136 "2016-01-05T20:26:03Z")
Okay, first of all, I don’t thing “Anti-Rape Activism” is a bad thing. But it’s not a binary thing, it’s analog. There’s a sub culture of ARA that defines rape as any and every time a man puts his penis into a vagina. Stranger, boyfriend, husband, you name him, it’s rape. You don’t believe me? Google “PIV rape”. Nigel Tufnel’s volume dial goes up to 11? These women are hardwired to 25, IMO. It seems to me that at least with the first woman quoted in that article, there are several things going on. I can see a woman turning the volume up or down depending on the situation. Frankly, if I say hello to a woman or offer to buy her a drink and her first response is “My brother is a cop”, “I have a black belt”, “I have pepper spray”, etc. I just say “I apologise for bothering you” and move along. Because “No” means no. Okay, I accept that. If something isn’t going to happen, it’s okay to know at the outset. Maybe there’s something to be said for using some tact, there’s a difference between being assertive (good) and aggressive (bad). But I believe that turnabout is fair play. Although I’ll be disappointed, I’ll accept “no”. I don’t ask “Why?” It’s not like she’s under any obligation, right? Well, she should be able or willing to accept a simple “no” also. No explanations needed. As for “Fuckboy”, it seems to mean a man who enjoys being the receiver during anal sex. Or a man whose only interest in women is to have sex with them. Or a man who is just a woman’s fuck buddy. Or a PIV rapist. Thanks for clearing that up for me. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2016, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/137 "2016-01-05T23:10:22Z")
> [@Grim\_Render](#): > > Maybe my knowledge of contemporary English is letting me down, but isn’t Tinder used for brief sexual encounters? And “hookup” is slang for a sexual encounter, not a date? Basically all methods of meeting people ranging from Tinder to [match.com](http://match.com), from bars to classes to church groups can result in any of 1. casual discussion, 2. brief sexual encounters, 3. friendships 4. long term relationships/marriage…–although there are different probabilities with different methods. I looked it up some time ago and “hookup” seems to be a very ambiguous term: while it can refer to a sexual encounter it can also refer to a casual meeting… ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2016, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/138 "2016-01-05T23:24:55Z")
Men dislike these “anti-rape activists” for much the same reason women dislike MRAs: Many of them are, simply, misandrists just like how many MRAs are misogynists. ---
**Author:** ![amanset](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8dc957/32.png) [@amanset](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amanset)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2016, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/139 "2016-01-06T12:13:42Z")
> [@Grim\_Render](#): > > Maybe my knowledge of contemporary English is letting me down, but isn’t Tinder used for brief sexual encounters? And “hookup” is slang for a sexual encounter, not a date? Nah, Tinder is just another way of doing online dating. I have friends that are engaged that met on Tinder. I went on a Tinder date a couple of months back which ended a bit weirdly. She had been a bit flirtatious when messaging each other (before the date) and suddenly came out with “you’re not just wanting sex, are you?”. So I responded truthfully with “I want something more than empty sex etc etc” and she was happy wit that. We then went on a pretty good date, chatted for 3-4 hours in a pub. I had gone into the date with what she had asked in the back of my mind and decided that sex was off the table. She was worried about it, so removing the option from play was the best way to go. So at the end of the date, I give her a goodbye hug and we messaging each other one the way home. All seems well. The next day she complains about how she is a very physical woman and felt I was too standoffish. From what she wrote (I am translating here, it was in Swedish) it sounded like she basically wanted to have sex and because I didn’t, due to her being panicky about sex, it all went wrong. You just can’t win. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2016, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111/140 "2016-01-06T17:50:49Z")
The women quoted in the article seem to be under the impression that men were turned off because they were victims of rape. I don’t think that was the issue. The F\* about consent to me was saying that she believed that the reason he didn’t want to hook up with her is that she thought that his resistance was born out of an unwillingness to seek proper consent before sex. I understand his resistance. Honestly, if I were a man out hooking up, as opposed to being a married man, I would never go home with someone who seemed to be so litigious. Then again I try never to be alone with a woman whom I barely know to avoid any hint of impropriety. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anti-rape-activists-having-a-hard-time-dating/736111.md?page=8)