Everybody is different so I can only speak for myself, obviously, but remembering when I first starting getting them, the last thing I wanted was * anyone* to speak to me. The second or third time I had one, before I got the proper meds, I was out for breakfast with my then boyfriend and suddenly the crowd was overwhelmingly loud and I started feeling antsy and there he was just chattering away. I (unreasonably) felt like “heshould sensethatsomethingwaswrongandbygodwhywouldn’thejustshutupandtelleveryoneelsetoshutupandgetmeoutofhere!!!” We had taken my car and he obviously had to drive home. Then all I could think was “drivefastergetmehomegetmehomegetmehomedrivefaseter!!!” and of course, there’s only so much he could do on that count, due to the pesky other drivers and inconvenient traffic lights, but kind, soothing words that required no response from me would have helped. Calm reassurance that we were almost home would have gone a long way.
** sabernode**,If you can get to a point where you recognize the onset, maybe you can exhibit extreme calmness yourself, letting him know that you know he’s not feeling well and there’s nothing he needs to do but try to relax and you’ll take care of everything(whether that’s getting him home, or to a private location or whatever). Be caring but don’t make a big deal out it.
I think a lot depends on the cause of the attacks. Mine are completely physiological, i.e. just a chemical reaction and not dependent on outside factors. Nothing but medication can help mine and I’ll probably be taking it the rest of my life but your partner’s may be manageable in other ways. Good luck
Difficult to give any advice. For instance, providing distraction can help or at the contrary can be yet another unwelcome stimulation. Your presence could be reassuring or at the contrary your partner could be better off being left entirely alone. And it doesn’t just depend on the person, it can change from one moment to the next since the brain is in turmoil.
So, I would say in very general terms : being available and adaptable?
A very general comment : during a panic attack, the person is experiencing an extremely strong emotional reaction, and is extremely centered on this emotion. As a result, his emotional reaction to or interest in anything else is going to be very diminished. And similarly he will be very centered on the present moment, not caring much about anything beyond wanting the panic attack to end. So, plenty of things that you would normally expect him to react strongly to (professing your undying love, offering hot sex, threatening to leave him, remembering him that he’s going to miss work or his sister’s wedding…) won’t have much effect. They’re feeling like they might die/something terrible might happen within minutes, so everything else has a very low priority.
Two things that might happen to people who have panic attacks and might frighten them even more :
-Feelings of unreality : as if they were cut from and alone in the world, things and people appearing unreal.
The difference, of course, is that somewhere along the way you have come to associate certain non-dangerous situations with danger. (If that wasn’t the case, then the anxiety wouldn’t be anxiety, it would be rational consideration. We don’t say “His anxiety is bad today” when there really is a grizzly bear chasing him.)
Exactly how that happened - how some non-threatening things started to seem threatening to you - can perhaps be something for you and a therapist to explore.
Having clues about what kind of adaptability to expect to need, is very helpful. My personality IRL is very much based on being available and adaptable, I’m empathetic, I’m compassionate… but one thing I think all panic attacks have in common is that they don’t make sense. I normally go into situations expecting those situations to be analyzable, to be able to draw from what I know about the person’s day-to-day behaviour and personality, and for logic to be a helpful guide. My limited experience around people who have a panic attack is that a lot of my standard basic attitudes and strategies are worse than useless.
One that is really difficult for me is generically “being a good listener”. The first time I was near a panic attack, I “believed in it”. To oversimplify, I thought they were dying, because they thought they were dying. Learning “this is probably a panic attack, some of the bad stuff doesn’t correspond to the world, I must filter what’s being said” has been quite tricky for me.
I had my first panic attack this summer, or panic attack of sorts (I don’t know exactly what constitutes a panic attack). It was a day so to speak that led up to this, and when I was struck by lots of sound, people and light, like an unexpected bombardment, I panicked. I didn’t cry, but curiously tears started to flow like a waterfall and all I could think of was that I need to get out, but I did not know how to get out, because my brain didn’t work. Luckily I had my cousin with me, and he basically did what Drunky Smurf suggested, and it worked very well. I began to work normally again within a few minutes (I guess). It was scary, but once again, I happened to be next to a psychologically talented person.
I think the reason distraction works for some people is that it interrupts the thought process that leads the anxiety to spiral into panic. For others, distraction alone doesn’t work because the anxiety is stronger than the distraction. Either way, the answer is to stop the anxiety from morphing into panic. I always think of FDR and “The only thing we have to fear is fear, itself.” Fearing fear or anxiety about anxiety is what causes a full-blown panic attack.
Not always true? It seems to me that what beckdawrek described, genuinely-but-illegitimately fearing for your life, could act alone. Maybe I’m wrong about that.
