# Any jokes in The Bible?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [December 19, 2005, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340 "2005-12-19T19:57:52Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Just1Lurk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just1Lurk)
#### Post date: [December 19, 2005, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/21 "2005-12-19T22:52:36Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Originally posted by **Atticus Finch** :
> Not Aramaic, Latin. The source of “petrify” and “petroleum”, amongst other things. And I believe it’s just “peter”, or “petra” if it’s feminine, though I’m no Latin speaker.
Not only do I get the language wrong, I can’t even spell Aramaic correctly. :smack: Okay, so did Jesus make a pun in Latin, or a pun in Aramaic which got translated into Latin, or did the editors of the King James Bible make the whole thing up just for giggles? I’m going to have to hunt up my copy of **Asmiov’s Guide.**
> [@](#):
>
> Originally posted by tim314:
> Luckily for us, the rest of the Bible is nice and clear cut.
And even if it doesn’t have a lot of good jokes, at least it has plenty of sex and violence. 😛
> [@](#):
>
> Originally posted by **wolf\_meister** :
> **Elderly Man:** It hurts when I do that.
> \*\*Jesus: \*\* Well then, don’t do that. What do you expect from me, miracles?
\*\*Jesus on the cross: \*\* Peter…Peter…
**Peter** : Yes, Lord? What is it?
**JOTC:** I can see your house from here, Peter…
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### Author:  [@The\_Tooth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tooth)
#### Post date: [December 19, 2005, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/22 "2005-12-19T22:55:15Z")
**Roman:** Would you mind putting your feet together? We only brought three nails.
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### Author:  [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)
#### Post date: [December 19, 2005, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/23 "2005-12-19T23:01:04Z")
Genesis 12:34 - “Adam then sayeth to Eve: Standeth back! I don’t knoweth how big it’s going to get!”
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### Author:  [@Atticus\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atticus_Finch)
#### Post date: [December 19, 2005, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/24 "2005-12-19T23:11:06Z")
> [@Just1Lurk](#):
>
> Not only do I get the language wrong, I can’t even spell Aramaic correctly. :smack: Okay, so did Jesus make a pun in Latin, or a pun in Aramaic which got translated into Latin, or did the editors of the King James Bible make the whole thing up just for giggles? I’m going to have to hunt up my copy of **Asmiov’s Guide.**
That’s a great question, and I don’t know the answer. I guess the pun works in the Latin Vulgate, but searched for the Aramaic version and found [this page](http://www.catholicapologetics.org/ap050200.htm):
> [@](#):
>
> ‘aph ‘ena’ ‘amar-na’ lak da’(n)t-(h)uw ke’pha’
>
> and I say - I to thee that-thou-art Kephas
>
> we`'al hade' ke'pha' 'ebneyh le`i(d)tiy
>
> and upon this rock I will build her namely my church
>
> Note that the word for Peter, ke’pha’, is the same word for rock. The words are equated: Peter is the rock.
I’m not sure how reliable this site is, and whether or not this is a back-translation…
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### Author:  [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)
#### Post date: [December 19, 2005, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/25 "2005-12-19T23:14:32Z")
> [@Atticus Finch](#):
>
> Not Aramaic, Latin. The source of “petrify” and “petroleum”, amongst other things. And I believe it’s just “peter”, or “petra” if it’s feminine, though I’m no Latin speaker.
Not Latin, Greek. Simon the Rock’s name in Aramic was Simon Cephas. The NT, which was written in Greek, translates Cephas into _Petros_.
You’re right that _petros_ is the etymological origin of “petrify,” etc. You just got the language wrong.
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### Author:  [@Just1Lurk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just1Lurk)
#### Post date: [December 19, 2005, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/26 "2005-12-19T23:25:33Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Originally posted by **Diogenes the Cynic** :
> Not Latin, Greek. Simon the Rock’s name in Aramic was Simon Cephas. The NT, which was written in Greek, translates Cephas into Petros.
>
> You’re right that petros is the etymological origin of “petrify,” etc. You just got the language wrong.
**Diogenes** , it’s \*all \* Greek to me. (Well, at least we know for sure that \*Shakepeare \* was making a joke :p)
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### Author:  [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/27 "2005-12-20T01:08:03Z")
I contend that the book of Acts, if filmed right, could make a great comedy: there are enough funny incidents, or incidents that could be made funny.
Like the time where Paul’s preaching runs on too long and one of his listeners, who was sitting in a window, nods off and falls out. (Acts 20:9-12)
Or this incident, recounted in Acts 19:13-16:
> [@](#):
>
> Some Jewish men started going around trying to force out evil spirits by using the name of the Lord Jesus. They said to the spirits, “Come out in the name of that same Jesus that Paul preaches about!”
>
> Seven sons of a high priest named Sceva were doing this, when an evil spirit said to them, “I know Jesus! And I have heard about Paul. But who are you?” Then the man with the evil spirit jumped on them and beat them up. They ran out of the house, naked and bruised.
Maybe there’d be a way to work in Paul’s remark, from Galatians 5:12, that he wished the troublemakers who were insisting that everybody had to be circumcized would go all the way and cut their whole you-know-whats off, not just the foreskin.
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### Author:  [@Just1Lurk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just1Lurk)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/28 "2005-12-20T01:15:38Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Originally posted by **Atticus Finch** :
> That’s a great question, and I don’t know the answer. I guess the pun works in the Latin Vulgate, but searched for the Aramaic version and found this page:
Okay, I found my **Asimov’s Guide**. For what it’s worth, he says that it was Jesus making the pun. His argument in a nutshell is that, in a culture that did not use surnames, it was very common for people to be given nicknames, implying that Simon was known as “Rock” before he met Jesus. He goes on:
> [@](#):
>
> Originally written by **Isaac Asimov** :
> It was the most influential pun in all history. Peter…became the first Bishop of Rome. It was believed that succeeding Bishops of Rome inherited this role as the rock upon which the Church was built…It was the Bishop of Rome who came to be called the Pope…and thus began the doctrine of papal supremacy over the Church, and through the Church over all Christians.
Just how true all this may be, I don’t know. It sounds very reasonable and logical, but, OTOH, we are talking about the Bible here. 😛
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### Author:  [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/29 "2005-12-20T01:20:28Z")
One of my favorite stories is in Judges. The story of Ehud and the king of Moab, Judges 3:15-31. The king is a really fat man and Ehud is left-handed. So Ehud straps a short sword on his right leg and goes for an audience with the king, to give the king a present from the people of Israel. Ehud goes for his sword, which doesn’t look threatening because he’s a lefty, stabs the king and pushes the sword in so far that the rolls of fat cover the hilt. The king’s bowels release and Ehud calmly walks out. The servants don’t discover the king until it’s too late.
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### Author:  [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/30 "2005-12-20T01:21:34Z")
Sorry. The joke is that the servants think that the king is just relieving himself, which is why they didn’t find him until Ehud was long gone.
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### Author:  [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/31 "2005-12-20T01:49:58Z")
Jesus makes a bit of a joke in the Gospel of John when he is introduced to Nathaniel by Philip. Nathaniel. Jesus says “Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom there is no deceit.”
Nathaniel says “How do you know me?”
Jesus says, “I saw you sitting under a fig tree before Philip called you.”
Nathaniel says, “You are the Son of God, the King of Israel.”
Jesus says, “You believe these things because I saw you sitting under a fig tree?”
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### Author:  [@Orual](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orual)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/32 "2005-12-20T01:51:54Z")
> [@Judges4:17-22](#):
>
> Sisera, meanwhile, fled on foot to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite, because there was an alliance between Jabin king of Hazor and the family of Heber the Kenite. Jael went out to meet Sisera and said to him, “Come, my lord, come right in. Don’t be afraid.” So he entered her tent, and she covered him with a blanket.
> “I’m thirsty,” he said. “Please give me some water.” She opened a skin of milk, gave him a drink, and covered him up.
> “Stand in the doorway of the tent,” he told her. "If anyone comes by and asks you, ‘Is there a man in here?’ say ‘No.’ " But Jael, Heber’s wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted. She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died.
>
> Just then Barak came by in pursuit of Sisera, and Jael went out to meet him. “Come,” she said, “I will show you the man you’re looking for.” So he went in with her, and there lay Sisera with the tent peg through his temple—dead.
I laughed.
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### Author:  [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/33 "2005-12-20T03:36:37Z")
Wow that Bible is just chock full of side-splitting laughs.
**Orual** - I never knew that old comedy sketch about getting a stake driven through your head and having it then driven into the ground was from the Bible. It brings laughs even to this day. 😃
This Biblical knee-slapper is from the Book of John (no wait, I think it may be the Book of Ringo).
Jesus (being a carpenter) is hammering a nail when he accidentally hits his thumb.
Jesus yells out “ **ME !!!** ”
I’m not giving up my day job.
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### Author:  [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/34 "2005-12-20T04:00:32Z")
> [@Thudlow Boink](#):
>
> Like the time where Paul’s preaching runs on too long and one of his listeners, who was sitting in a window, nods off and falls out. (Acts 20:9-12)
That was Eutychus (whence our own **Eutychus** got his name) and he not only fell out, he _died_! Paul had to stop preaching long enough to run downstairs and resurrect him.
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### Author:  [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/35 "2005-12-20T15:29:10Z")
There’s a scene in the book of Kings where the prophet Elijah challenges the prophets of Ba’al. The idea is that both Elijah and the Ba’al worshipers prepare a sacrifice and then pray to their respective gods to create a fire to consume the sacrifices. So the prophets of Ba’al start praying, and nothing happens, so Elijah says something like, “Pray louder! Ba’al obviously is on the toilet, or eating, or stepped out, and must not be paying attention.”
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### Author:  [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/36 "2005-12-20T15:39:40Z")
> [@The Tooth](#):
>
> **Roman:** Would you mind putting your feet together? We only brought three nails.
“Father, forgive them, for they definitely know not what they do!”
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### Author:  [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/37 "2005-12-20T18:13:08Z")
I thought the joke was between “In the beginning god created heaven and earth”
and “…something something…a new heaven and a new earth.”
What? I bought my one-way ticket to hell a long time ago. :eek:
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### Author:  [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/38 "2005-12-20T18:22:21Z")
The Revelation of St. John is frackin’ **hilarious!** 😛 That is, if you read it in the right frame of mind, and under the suitable chemical influences. (How do you think it was **written?)**
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### Author:  [@Atticus\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atticus_Finch)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/39 "2005-12-20T18:34:36Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#):
>
> You’re right that _petros_ is the etymological origin of “petrify,” etc. You just got the language wrong.
My bad. In my defence, there is a Latin petra, from which we get petrificare, thus petrify. Similarly, petroleum’s from the Latin. But the Greek petros does seem to be the source of the Latin word petra (and the -oleum in petroleum appears to ultimately come from the Greek as well).
Guess that means the joke worked in both Greek and Latin.
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### Author:  [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)
#### Post date: [December 20, 2005, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-jokes-in-the-bible/336340/40 "2005-12-20T18:52:26Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#):
>
> Then there’s the bit where a bunch of little kids made fun of somebody’s bald head so he prayed and god sent a bunch of bears to eat the kids.
>
> Okay, that’s not so funny…
Oh hell yes it is! They chased him and called him “Baldy” so he set loose 53 bears on them.
Good stuff there.
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