# Any of y'all want to sell your soul? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 6, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728 "2010-07-06T16:15:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![The\_Understander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3da27b/32.png) [@The\_Understander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Understander)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/101 "2010-07-07T22:07:34Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Er…yes. Yes, the Apocalypse will be fought mano a mano between the Boss and Josh Maryson. Damned souls will not be forced into service as cannon fodder. You have my word. Your word, huh? Perhaps I should ask the Etruscans about that. Oh, wait… ---
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/102 "2010-07-07T22:31:24Z")
Where the fuck do I sign? It’s been a long time since I got myself some action, and I could use the money too. Besides, anything useful in exchange for something that doesn’t exist sounds good to me. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/103 "2010-07-07T22:36:59Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Fraud?! Bah! It would only have been fraud if I’d represented myself as non-mortal, and believe me, that wasn’t in the Snickers. They knew what they were doing, and if your namby-pamby legal codes don’t apply here, then we don’t have a deal. I’ll keep my souls, all of 'em. Why are you complaining to ME? Your problem’s with the Nazarene. [QUOTE=Superfluous Parentheses] Where the fuck do I sign? It’s been a long time since I got myself some action, and I could use the money too. Besides, anything useful in exchange for something that doesn’t exist sounds good to me. [/QUOTE] Precisely the attitude the Nameless One likes in his [del]hell-dog food[/del] vendors. ---
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/104 "2010-07-07T22:40:33Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Precisely the attitude the Nameless One likes in his [del]hell-dog food[/del] vendors. Wait, what?! I have to work? Feed me to the hell dogs, please. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/105 "2010-07-07T22:45:31Z")
> [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](#): > > Wait, what?! I have to work? Feed me to the hell dogs, please. That’s what I said was going to happen. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/106 "2010-07-08T01:56:21Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Why are you complaining to ME? Your problem’s with the Nazarene. Nazarene, schmazarene. You religious types are all the same. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/107 "2010-07-08T16:30:44Z")
How 'bout a rental deal? You get to lease my soul for a certain amount of time, with an option to renew. It’s not like it’s without precedence. ([These guys](http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0633.html) do work for you, right?) -Malleus “Ol’ Loopholes” Incus Stapes PS. How does this franchise work, anyway? Are you all one big cooperating corporation, or does each demon do his/her/its own recruiting? Also, do the people Upstairs collect souls, too? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/108 "2010-07-08T17:00:21Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > How ‘bout a rental deal? You get to lease my soul for a certain amount of time, with an option to renew. It’s not like it’s without precedence. ([These guys](http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0633.html) do work for you, right?) > -Malleus "Ol’ Loopholes" Incus Stapes Please put down the bong. > [@](#): > > PS. How does this franchise work, anyway? _Franchise_ is not a word I would consider accurate. More like _Fiendish army dedicated to overthrowing the forces of light, hope, happiness, and love; establishing a new order in Heaven; and casting all the agents of peace, beauty, and joy into the Pit of Numberless Hungry Caterpillers, and Yes, that includes Kate Winslet!_ > [@](#): > > Are you all one big cooperating corporation, or does each demon do his/her/its own recruiting? Each of us has his own role to play in the Great War. Not everyone is on soul-recruitment detail. I myself am on loan from the Environmental Disaster Unit. (Everybody there is taking leave because, frankly, you guys seem to be doing well enough without any help from Below.) I thought about taking a vacation but my friend Jerry, who ordinarily manages this department, wanted to take his family to the brothels on Vega 7. When he gets back I shall resume work on the volcano generation project. > [@](#): > > Also, do the people Upstairs collect souls, too? They call it redeeming and claim its for the good of the mortal. I wouldn’t trust them, though. Everybody knows that sapients are only motivated by self-interest and the desire to consume others, and that applies to our Hated Opponents as much as it does to the LowerArchy and you earthworms. ---
**Author:** ![DiggitCamara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df788c/32.png) [@DiggitCamara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiggitCamara)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/109 "2010-07-08T17:41:41Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > [crazy hat off] > I’m having a brain fart. I remember everything about the story except the author, and the relevant book is nowhere in reach. Refresh my memory? > > For the rest of y’all, **Czarcasm** and I have been talking about a story from about 60 years ago in which a modern Faust wagers his soul against the Devil being able to solve Fermat’s Last Theorem. I won’t go into more detail lest I spoil it; you guys should read it. > (snipped) I don’t know if it’s the same story, but [this episode of the newer Twilight Zone](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_of_Newton_%28The_Twilight_Zone%29) (based on a short story by Joe Haldeman) seems to fit the bill. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/110 "2010-07-08T17:44:20Z")
> [@DiggitCamara](#): > > I don’t know if it’s the same story, but [this episode of the newer Twilight Zone](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_of_Newton_%28The_Twilight_Zone%29) (based on a short story by Joe Haldeman) seems to fit the bill. [crazy hat off] In the story Czarcasm and I were talking about, the Devil loses the bet, leaves in a huff, then returns because he still wants to solve the problem and wants to consult with the protagonist. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/111 "2010-07-08T18:41:43Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I am posting from my office in the Tower of Endless Waiting, which, just from the very center of the Lake of Fire. I need fear no ice weasel here. That is what _ice weasel_ and _Lake of Fire_ mean. Ice Weasel. Catapult. No problem. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/112 "2010-07-08T18:46:31Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Ice Weasel. Catapult. > > No problem. Convection. Problem. ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/113 "2010-07-08T21:21:29Z")
Before I agree to selling my soul and bothering with possible terms, first I wish to understand what in fact compels your side’s parties to comply with the terms of the agreement? I get that I am signing in blood, and that binds me and my soul. But how is the contract enforced? What keeps your netherworldly beings in line? I mean, I’d hate to sign a deal for 3 Snickers bars, you give me two and say “close enough”, and then be out my soul. Terms I’m contemplating: 1. Full good health and physical and mental well-being, including physical prowess without any of that hard work stuff. 2. Enough wealth to live in the comfort I desire and to acquire whatever I wish without worrying about silly things like stock market fluctuations or the IRS. 3. Enough power to live a quiet little existence (or a big splashy existence if I feel like it) and to be left alone by thieves, governments, stalkers, crazies, etc. 4. To be surrounded by the actresses (and other ladies) of my choice taken from the times and appearances I find most attractive, including possibly multiple copies of the same actress from different time periods. And I want the actual women - none of that silly look alike succubi business. I want to inflict my will upon the actual women! Effects to causality and the timeline are your problem to deal with. 5. The ability to shoot lightning from my fingertips at my enemies. And anyone else I desire. 6. Terms of the contract to last for eternity, or until the commencement of Armageddon and the Final Battle. I’ll surrender to the hellhound chow crew when the time comes, but want to fully enjoy myself up until the actual need arises, and not be set to some arbitrary short time period of pleasure and then have to suffer an indefinite eternity of torment waiting for the Final Days. Hey, you still get what you really need - souls for The Final Battle. By the way, James Randi is actually an Amercian citizen now. He once may have been Canadian, but he immigrated and naturalized. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/114 "2010-07-08T21:40:04Z")
> [@Irishman](#): > > Before I agree to selling my soul and bothering with possible terms, first I wish to understand what in fact compels your side’s parties to comply with the terms of the agreement? I get that I am signing in blood, and that binds me and my soul. But how is the contract enforced? What keeps your netherworldly beings in line? We take your soul when you die. We’re not taking it before then, nor do we kill you early (unless you breach your contract) because if we agree to the transaction, it’s because we judge the power and wealth you obtain in the deal with allow you to be of practical service to the LowerArchy. Why would we waste resources? We’re not trying to damn you. I mean, if you’re willing to consider the deal, you’re probably going to Hell for OTHER reasons. 😉 > [@](#): > > I mean, I’d hate to sign a deal for 3 Snickers bars, you give me two and say “close enough”, and then be out my soul. We’re not cheating you over Snickers. Snickers are cheap. > [@](#): > > Terms I’m contemplating: > > 1. Full good health and physical and mental well-being, including physical prowess without any of that hard work stuff. > > 2. Enough wealth to live in the comfort I desire and to acquire whatever I wish without worrying about silly things like stock market fluctuations or the IRS. > > 3. Enough power to live a quiet little existence (or a big splashy existence if I feel like it) and to be left alone by thieves, governments, stalkers, crazies, etc. > > 4. To be surrounded by the actresses (and other ladies) of my choice taken from the times and appearances I find most attractive, including possibly multiple copies of the same actress from different time periods. And I want the actual women - none of that silly look alike succubi business. I want to inflict my will upon the actual women! Effects to causality and the timeline are your problem to deal with. Like you could tell the difference between one of our succubuses and her mortal template. But of course Hell is fine with your inflicting pain and suffering on the innocent. It’s expected. Were you to refrain from acts of villainy, you would be judged in breach of your contract and dragged bodily to the Pit of Everlasting Wailing. You can’t have Natalie Portman, though. She’s an agent for the Lion, and that would be needlessly provocative. We will move into battle with the Other Place when the time is right by our reckoning, not yours. The purpose of this war is to win it, not to satisfy your lurid little fantasies. > [@](#): > > 1. The ability to shoot lightning from my fingertips at my enemies. And anyone else I desire. The Boss requires that you change this one to _The ability to shoot lightning from my fingertips at my enemies **without injuriing or killing myself** _. You will die when Hell is done with you, not before. And of course if we provide you with infernal abilities or weapons, it will be with the understanding that you will have to whack people for us from time to time. Not Nancy Grace, by the way. She’s on the infernal payroll, and the Boss is quite pleased with her work; the only ding she’s ever gotten on her performance review was for not reducing Elizabeth Smart to tears. I’d stay on her good side if I were you, because if the Boss has to choose, he won’t even blink. > [@](#): > > 1. Terms of the contract to last for eternity, or until the commencement of Armageddon and the Final Battle. I’ll surrender to the hellhound chow crew when the time comes, but want to fully enjoy myself up until the actual need arises, and not be set to some arbitrary short time period of pleasure and then have to suffer an indefinite eternity of torment waiting for the Final Days. Hey, you still get what you really need - souls for The Final Battle. We have no reason to make you immortal. You will live out your destined lifetime. It’s not like you have much to bargain with. > [@](#): > > By the way, James Randi is actually an Amercian citizen now. He once may have been Canadian, but he immigrated and naturalized. You want to argue with the Prince of Darkness, Author of Deceit, Inventor of Murder, and Canceller of Firefly? Do it on your own time. ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/115 "2010-07-09T14:33:27Z")
> [@](#): > > You can’t have Natalie Portman, though. Well then, what’s the point? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/116 "2010-07-09T19:30:07Z")
**Skald** , how are your marketing/recruiting efforts affected by the obvious difficulty, from your point of view, with big legged women? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/117 "2010-07-09T19:33:09Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > **Skald** , how are your marketing/recruiting efforts affected by the obvious difficulty, from your point of view, with big legged women? I don’t see your meaning, Counselor. Care to expand? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/118 "2010-07-09T20:07:27Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I don’t see your meaning, Counselor. Care to expand? \*Take too long b’fore I found out What people mean by down and out. Spent my money, took my car, Started tellin’ her friend she’ goin’ be a star. I don’t know, but I’ve been told A Big legged woman ain’t got no soul \* [Black Dog](http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/black-dog-lyrics-led-zeppelin/2a38068a1422b979482568870001520e), Led Zeppelin. Which suggests to me that big legged women either have no product to sell, or may be working for a previously unknown competitor. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/119 "2010-07-09T20:10:49Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > \*Take too long b’fore I found out > What people mean by down and out. > Spent my money, took my car, > Started tellin’ her friend she’ goin’ be a star. > I don’t know, but I’ve been told > A Big legged woman ain’t got no soul > \* > > [Black Dog](http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/black-dog-lyrics-led-zeppelin/2a38068a1422b979482568870001520e), Led Zeppelin. Ah. I am not familiar with that song. For reasons you need not concern yourself with, Led Zeppelin recordings cannot pass the River Styx. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728/120 "2010-07-09T20:18:41Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Ah. > > I am not familiar with that song. For reasons you need not concern yourself with, Led Zeppelin recordings cannot pass the River Styx. You really are in Hell, then. I bet Lynyrd Skynyrd, grits, and sweet tea are equally hard to come by down there. Sorry about the cold snap. The New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl, the Mississippi State Bulldogs beat Ole Miss in the Egg Bowl, and Alabama won the BCS Championship all in one season. That said, I think you probably have a competitor. Further research into my sacred scrolls reveals: _Been dazed and confused for so long it’s not true, Wanted a woman, never bargained for you. Lots of people talk and few of them know, Soul of a woman was created below. yeah!_ [Dazed & Confused](http://www.lyricsfreak.com/l/led+zeppelin/dazed+confused_20081897.html) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/any-of-yall-want-to-sell-your-soul/545728.md?page=7)