# Anybody got any clever jokes? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 14, 2017, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602 "2017-05-14T18:19:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Barack\_Obama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dc4da7/32.png) [@Barack\_Obama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barack_Obama)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2017, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/1 "2017-05-14T18:19:28Z")
If not then you better make like Odysseus and get lost. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kuru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@Kuru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kuru)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2017, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/2 "2017-05-15T06:40:57Z")
I liked this one I heard recently: A man walks into a bookstore and asks the clerk if she has any books on turtles. “Hardback?” she asks. “That’s right, with a small head.” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2017, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/3 "2017-05-15T07:02:45Z")
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_stainless_steel_rat/32/5727_2.png) [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Stainless_Steel_Rat)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2017, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/4 "2017-05-15T11:53:25Z")
Think this counts, it’s one of my favorites right now. Three famous scientists are driving down the highway. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him “Do you know how fast you were going?” “No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies. The cop says “You were doing 65 in a 35.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!” The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?” “We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists. ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2017, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/5 "2017-05-15T12:03:28Z")
This one really happened, in my university residence hall. There were fifty guys living on each floor, with one public restroom. One guy walks into the restroom, sees that all the toilet stalls are occupied, and says: “Well, I see there’s a full house”. A voice from one of the stalls replies: “and in a minute there’s going to be a royal flush”. Thank you. Now please click on: [www.instantrimshot.com](http://www.instantrimshot.com) ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2017, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/6 "2017-05-16T00:33:40Z")
> **[The Matador Special - Food Joke - Learn English through Jokes - English Magazine](https://www.learnenglish.de/jokes/joke64.html)** > > English Magazine - Learn English through Jokes - The Matador Special - Food Joke > [@](#): > > A man travels to Spain and goes to a restaurant near the bull arena for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. “What’s this?” he asks? > > “The Matador Special, Senor,” the waiter replies. > > “What meat is it?” the man asks. > > “Cojones,” the waiter explains, “They, are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon.” > > At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. > > “What’s this?” he asks the waiter. > > “The Matador Special, senor,” the waiter replies. > > “No, no,” the man objects, “I had the Matador Special yesterday and it was much bigger than this.” > > “Senor,” the waiter explains, “the bull does not always lose.” ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2017, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/7 "2017-05-16T04:38:04Z")
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. ---
**Author:** ![MrAtoz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@MrAtoz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrAtoz)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2017, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/8 "2017-05-16T12:27:32Z")
What should you do if you’re attacked by circus folk? Go for the juggler. ---
**Author:** ![CurtC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ce73a5/32.png) [@CurtC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CurtC)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2017, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/9 "2017-05-16T14:24:56Z")
Jokes aren’t the social thing that they used to be 20 or 30 years ago. Too bad. In a recent Trump thread, someone posted a clever one. * * * A guy was interviewing for a job, and the interviewer asked him what he considered his biggest weakness. They interviewee thought about it, and replied “honesty.” The interviewer said “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” ## “I don’t give a shit what you think.” My son in high school was interviewing for a leadership position in his band, so I got to tell him this one. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2017, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/10 "2017-05-16T15:00:24Z")
Always the doubt [spoiler]A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I’m away, I just don’t know what she is doing. There’s always the doubt, always the doubt. Pierre said, “Charles, I’ll tell you what. Because we’re such close friends, I’ll keep an eye on her every evening that you’re gone.” “You would do that for me, Pierre?” Charles said, relieved. “Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife. But it’s just that there’s always the doubt, always the doubt.” So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again. “Charles, I’m afraid I have bad news for you,” Pierre said. “Well?” "The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom. “And so…?” inquired Charles. “Well, first they took off all their clothes. Incidentally, my dear friend, your wife has a lovely body.” “She does indeed,” said Charles thoughtfully. “What happened then?” “Then?” Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. “Then is when they turned out the light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more.” Charles sighed a deep sigh. “So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the dos/ubt.” [/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2017, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/11 "2017-05-16T20:54:25Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Always the doubt > > [spoiler]A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I’m away, I just don’t know what she is doing. There’s always the doubt, always the doubt. > > Pierre said, “Charles, I’ll tell you what. Because we’re such close friends, I’ll keep an eye on her every evening that you’re gone.” > > “You would do that for me, Pierre?” Charles said, relieved. “Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife. But it’s just that there’s always the doubt, always the doubt.” > > So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again. > > “Charles, I’m afraid I have bad news for you,” Pierre said. > > “Well?” > > "The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom. > > “And so…?” inquired Charles. > > “Well, first they took off all their clothes. Incidentally, my dear friend, your wife has a lovely body.” > > “She does indeed,” said Charles thoughtfully. “What happened then?” > > “Then?” Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. “Then is when they turned out the light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more.” > > Charles sighed a deep sigh. “So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the dos/ubt.” [/spoiler] Huh, I heard that one as a Jewish joke. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2017, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/12 "2017-05-17T05:14:44Z")
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? ---
**Author:** ![IfItComesUp6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ecccb3/32.png) [@IfItComesUp6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IfItComesUp6)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2017, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/13 "2017-05-17T06:40:10Z")
Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? A: None ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2017, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/14 "2017-05-17T08:46:43Z")
Two scientists walked into a bar; one said “I’ll just have some H2O”; the other said “I’ll have some H2O, too”. A little later, the second scientist died. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2017, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/15 "2017-05-17T10:15:47Z")
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar, and doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![MrAtoz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@MrAtoz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrAtoz)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2017, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/16 "2017-05-17T12:45:23Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Two scientists walked into a bar; one said “I’ll just have some H2O”; the other said “I’ll have some H2O, too”. A little later, the second scientist died. Which reminds me of the classic poem: Johnny was a chemist’s son But Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O Was H2So4. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2017, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/17 "2017-05-17T15:40:57Z")
Why do squirrels have such small balls? Because surprisingly few of them know how to dance. * * * Motorist stops in a roadside diner. Sign over the counter says" Hot Dog $5, Hamburger $10, Handjob $15" He asks the beautiful young woman behind the counter, “Are you the one who gives the handjobs?” She smiles and purrs, “Why yes I am!” To which he replies, “Then go wash your hands and make me a burger!” ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2017, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/18 "2017-05-17T15:47:40Z")
Q: Who was big and grey and the father of Alexander the Great? A: Phillip of Mastodon. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2017, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/19 "2017-05-17T15:47:41Z")
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that escaped from jail? The next day, the newspaper headline said “SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE” ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2017, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602/20 "2017-05-17T16:43:14Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > Huh, I heard that one as a Jewish joke. Speaking of Jewish Jokes. An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady. The problem was that no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman could never achieve orgasm. They decide to ask the rabbi for help. The rabbi makes the following suggestion: “Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife bring on an orgasm.” They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a young man to wave a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied. They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says, “let’s try it reversed-Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.” This time the young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has the most fantastic orgasm ever. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “You see, THAT’S the way to wave a towel!” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-got-any-clever-jokes/786602.md?page=2)