My husband, who I love dearly, is a procrastinator. A good example right now is the painting in our fixer-upper house. He has volunteered to do the painting; in fact, he won’t let me do it. The problem is that after over two years, he has done hardly any of it (one room, one hallway, and one ceiling). The whole house needs painting, top to bottom (and the outside trim, too). I would have no problem with rolling up my sleeves and just doing it myself, but that would really bother him - he wants to do it. I am getting very tired of living in a house with white patches all over the walls, knowing that the painting needs to get done, and it not getting done. This kind of thing weighs heavily on my mind.
I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place - he doesn’t do stuff, he gets upset when I do it, I don’t want to nag (and I don’t think that would help, anyway), but the stuff really does need to get done. Has anybody had any luck in learning how to approach a procrastinating spouse to get some better results than I am experiencing? Or do I have to take my own advice and just learn to adjust my expectations from him?
Don’t ask us, ask him–and I don’t mean that in a snotty way. I haven’t dealt with this myself, but I would be tempted to say something like the following:
“Honey (or endearment of name of your choice), it really, really bothers me that the house needs painting. I know you want to do it, and I appreciate that. It is bugging me that it isn’t done. How do you think we can get it done? I don’t want to nag, but I don’t know what else to do.”
Things like this always look stupid in print, but I think I would say something like that, and I think it would at least open a conversation.
I would also focus on the fact that it’s the situation–the ugly walls-and not his procrastinating per se that is getting to you–it’s not that he isn’t doing it, it’s that it isn’t done.
I have no idea. We have tried absolutely everything to help him get and stay organized and motivated, and he is still extremely [strike]lazy[/strike] taking the scenic route through life. It drives me absolutely bonkers. All I can do is offer empathy and to go in on for half the cost of an electric cattle prod for you & I to share.
My suggestion to you, since you’re willing to do the painting, is to try and set a deadline for the completion of one painting job. As in… “Honey, you said you’d paint the house, and not much is getting done, can you maybe paint the kitchen this weekend or next?” Get agreement from him to do a particular painting job by a particular time. Once you have that agreement tell him: “If it’s not done by then, you forfeit your right to bitch if I do it.” Or: “You understand, it WILL be done by X date, either by you, or by me.”
Or, just start painting, if he bitches hand him the brush and say “Knock yourself out, sport. Let me know when you’re done.”
My suggestion is let him know that you want to do the work, not because you want it done, but you think you would really enjoy it. Ask him for a area that you could paint, perhaps a small room to get started.
When you are set try to do it when he is home, he will most likely ‘help’, and it might just set off the competiviative bug inherent in all men and he may paint the rest of the house.
Sigh. It sounds like there is not much to be done for this problem. It’s not just about painting the house; it’s about getting things done, period. It’s not that he’s lazy; once baseball season starts in February, he’ll be going to four or five practices a week. And the house will be even more unpainted. Hmm. I might have a little bit of anger over this.
I had the same problem with my dear husband. I finally did it myself. He started helping when I threatened to rip out the door molding I was stripping and throw it into the road.
I find that cheesesteak’s deadline plan works the best. For things I’m not capable of doing myself there is a deadline for me hiring someone to do it.
I do my own fair share of procrastinating and he is free to finish up anything I don’t finish. I am happier if it gets done when I’m not around, then I don’t have to feel guilty.
If it’s something I really want done, I wait a reasonable amount of time and then if it’s something I can do, I do it myself. I can never understand when one spouse says the other “won’t let” them do something. If the spouse is going to be physically abusive (and I’m not saying yours is), you ought to get out of there anyway. If s/he’s just going to be angry, fine. Let him/her be angry. He/She will get over it. And maybe next time will not procrastinate.
If it were something like painting, then one day, preferably when he was out, I would just do the job. If he came home and were angry I’d just say I was tired of waiting for him to do it and wanted it done. (Unless, of course, I knew that he was just procrastinating because he knew I’d do it eventually anyway, like take out the trash or clean the kitty litter box.)
Another alternative is to allege that the task needs to be done by some particular date for a particular reason. Like Cousin Janie is coming to visit and you want to need the room. Or something. If it’s not something you can do yourself, announce that if the job is not completed by a specified time you are hiring a person to finish it. And be prepared to follow through. Contact a person who can do the job and arrange for that person to come on a specific date.
My dearest husband does wonderful work around the house: alterations, repairs, painting, flooring, you name it. But it takes forever. The incentive for the latest round was someone we wanted to invite to dinner, but having seen their gorgeous home he was embarrassed to have them see our old and stained carpets.
He is also chronically late. After several years I learned the following: Always claim that an event starts later than it really will start. Announce that you are leaving at a specified time. If he is not ready to leave at that time, get in the car and go by yourself. You won’t have to do that more than about once.
The “won’t let me do it” is because he used to be a professional painter, and wants the paint job to be perfect, not because he’ll knock me around the house if I do it myself. I like the idea of a schedule; I’ll see what he thinks of that.
Find a friend of -his- that wants to help. I’m going through the exact same thing; some home improvement work that’s been procrastinated for a long, long time. I’m now hanging out with him, and every day I say, “Okay, what are we doing today?” It doesn’t always work, but we’re getting a heck of a lot done because he has a friend who is hanging out with him, helping him work, joking around, and most of all, I’m not the person he’s feeling is pushing him with a deadline.
I get the best results if I mention it right before sex. But nothing I could do, or promise to do, is going to get the livingroom floor fixed. He removed the carpet and put down those wood floor tiles, but he couldn’t find the right type of trim. So he decided to make the trim. But he didn’t have a mitre box, so I bought him one. But then we had some financial problems and he couldn’t afford the materials. Then things got better and he was able to find some trim that would fit. It’s been laying in our screened porch for 3 years.
Meanwhile, there’s a 1/2" gap between the floor and wall that gets filled up with floor crud. So, each time I sweep, I also have to vacuum out the cracks.
Oh! And he put the “new” floor down 12 years ago!
Just start doing it yourself, without asking permission or giving notice.
But don’t finish anything. Just start “to get an idea how it would look”.
He will hopefully promise a time to work on it.
If not, don’t mention it, let it rest a week and you can be justified in finishing it, angain without notice, “because it looked so awful half done.”
The first question that popped in my mind when I read thie OP is “are you a good painter?” My wife and I are in a somewhat similar situation. We bought a house that needed new interior paint. We have worked hard and are about 80% done two years later. I have attempted to let her help me paint many times as I want the help. But she does not seem capable of paying enough attention to do a proper job. I am not talking 100% professional, just no stupid mistakes like paint drips on the moldings, or missed areas on the wall. So she gets to do the sanding.
I haven’t dealt with this myself, but I would be tempted to say something like the following: