# Anybody know of a good way to get rid of smurfs? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653 "2005-06-17T04:43:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/41 "2005-06-17T18:36:05Z")
> [@Cliffy](#): > > Or you could smurf them. OFMG!!! YOU MONSTER!!! Oh, wait, you meant smurf them? I thought you said smurf them. Yeah, that’s a smurfalicious idea, and not at all smurfercilious. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/42 "2005-06-17T18:44:12Z")
The [Nac Mac Feegles](http://www.paulkidby.com/feegles/) would make short order of them. But then you’d have a cure worse than the disease. Unless you’re a witch, of course. ---
**Author:** ![caveman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/caveman/32/7242_2.png) [@caveman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caveman)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/43 "2005-06-17T18:58:43Z")
This could be a financial boon, though, if you know the proper recipe! How pure is smurf-gold, anyhow? ---
**Author:** ![JerH](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bb73d2/32.png) [@JerH](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerH)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/44 "2005-06-17T19:07:03Z")
Poisoned radishes - or is that how you get rid of fraggles? I can never remember. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/45 "2005-06-17T20:19:32Z")
Just be thankful you don’t have a CareBear infestation. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/46 "2005-06-17T21:00:19Z")
This calls for a team effort. Calling all Dopers! \*Early in the mornin’ we’ll be startin’ out, Some honeys will be comin’ along We’re loading up our Woody with the boards inside, And headin’ out singing our song: Let’s go smurfin’ now Ev’rybody’s learning how Come on a safari with meeeee – Come on a safari with me!\* \*We’re meetin’ up in Jet Jaguar’s garden today, With guns an’ clubs an’ knee-high boots So when we kill an’ smash an’ burn an’ stomp away, We don’t get blue crud stuck to our shoes Come on baby wait and see, yes (Smurfer, smurfin’ safari) I’m gonna take you smurfin’ with me (Smurfer, smurfin’ safari) Come on along smurf baby, wait and see (Smurfer, smurfin’ safari) I’m takin’ you smurfin’ with me! (Smurfer, smurfin’ safari) Since Gargamel n’ Azrael fell down on the job, Smurf termination’s fallen to us From Malibu and Huntington to Orchard Knob, We’re ridin’ in our Smurf-killer bus We’ll shake the salt water from our long blonde hair, and drown a couple Smurfs that day Any left alive at, say, seven o’ clock We’ll roast alive the bonfire way Let’s go smurfin’ now, Ev’rybody’s learnin’ how Come on a safari with meeeee – Come on a safari with me!\* ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/47 "2005-06-17T21:05:35Z")
Does **Jet jaguar** knowing the secret to Soylent Green have anything to do with the smurfing of his lawn? \ Maybe some hdrochloric acid? I hear they melt… ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/48 "2005-06-17T21:09:16Z")
I believe Moomintrolls eat them, then you get rid of the Moomintrolls by feeding them in turn to Hattifatteners. ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/49 "2005-06-17T21:38:39Z")
[Slight hijack] You seem to have many specimens on hand for observational purposes; maybe you can answer a question that has been plaguing me since the 80’s. If the smurfs are three apples high, how the hell do they live in mushrooms? Are we talking really small apples or ginormous ‘shrooms? Some of those mushroom houses had three stories, fer cryin’ out loud!! [/hijack] As for the OP–maybe you could corral them and sell them to cosmetic companies for use in testing? ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/50 "2005-06-17T21:48:39Z")
Find a group of Christian Militia types and tell them you have a bunch of non-white underdressed homosexuals and their fag-hag in your yard and they will come clean them out right away. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/51 "2005-06-17T21:54:06Z")
Smurfs have a misleadingly cute reputation from the cartoon series, but make no mistake; the "blue devil’ is responsible for millions of dollars in crop and livestock loss every year. By engaging in a “roil,” hundreds of smurfs can swarm together up to three and a half feet high to take down sheep, goats, or larger herd animals. One of the most efficient methods of eliminating smurfs in a roil is by the use of an “LPC,” or Livestock Protection Collar, which is a bladder filled with sodium fluoroacetate, a tasteless, odorless, colorless poison that is hung around a target livestock neck. As the smurfs tear into the flesh of their prey, they will tear open the bag and release the poison into their mouths, noses and eyes, causing ventricular fibrillation or other cardiac problems, vomiting, convulsions, severe abdominal pain, staggering, whimpering, and drooling, followed by death. If the “Smurfette” is among the roil, the entire colony will be unable to reproduce and will be wiped out, while if the “Papa Smurf” is poisoned the colony will be without effective leadership and can no longer form a roil or build their distinctive mushroom nesting hives. However, not all smurfs will “roil” due to certain climatic, terrain, and topographical pressures on their population. Nevertheless, the smurf, like the rat, is extrodinarily crafty when getting food. Instead of predation, some will scavange carrion, although no colony has been observed doing both at the same time. For scavanging smurfs, one option is a modified M-44 “Smurf-Getter” device, a primer-powered cyanide ejector using a sealed .38 special casing that blasts sodium cyanide directly into their pores. Roadkill or other carrion is attached to a trigger designed to release only at the maximum pull of several hundred smurfs as they attempt to make off with their prize. Most importantly: smurfs are also frequently engaged in illegal activity, particularly identity theft. If you have smurfs in your area, it is absoultely crucial that you purchase a document shredder for documents containg personal information, and a secure document storage system. ---
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/52 "2005-06-17T22:03:06Z")
> [@Uncommon Sense](#): > > My understanding is they reproduce asexually, even thought there is a female in the group she does not bear the load of reproducing. You are incorrect. Click [here](http://assm.asstr.org/~eli/erotica/various/Smurfs.html) for further understanding on the subject. In connection therewith, I suggest you capture Smurfette and infect her with AIDS. ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/53 "2005-06-17T22:14:02Z")
Crush the smurfs, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their woman. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/54 "2005-06-17T22:45:03Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Does **Jet jaguar** knowing the secret to Soylent Green have anything to do with the smurfing of his lawn? Soylent Blue? ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2005, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/55 "2005-06-17T23:47:04Z")
> [@Tentacle Monster](#): > > hear the lamentations of their woman. Cool. Smurfs are a rather unattractive but annoying people whose numbers have decreased somewhat since satellite and cable have encroached on the broadcast television market. They don’t like machines more complicated than a garrote, blackjack or zip gun. As a rule they avoid humans, or “buggers” as they call us, save when a hundred or more may dry gulch a lone farmer or hunter. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2005, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/56 "2005-06-18T01:45:51Z")
Just take some diatomatious earth and spread tons of it around their village. Failing that, set up some traps involving pits filled with acid, shark pools, really sharp blade whirring around close to the ground and, of course, smurf sex-dolls to use as bait. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2005, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/57 "2005-06-18T02:03:36Z")
A mongoose isn’t a bad idea, but I think using a Peregrine Falcon would be more sporting, as well as more fun. ---
**Author:** ![LeeshaJoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@LeeshaJoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LeeshaJoy)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2005, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/58 "2005-06-18T02:39:19Z")
I remember reading somewhere that Smurfs grow out of the ground like mushrooms. So, if you weeded your garden more regularly, you wouldn’t have this problem. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2005, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/59 "2005-06-18T03:40:01Z")
Oh, yeah! It does a number on the chipmunks, too. It’ll wipe out the voles, but not the moles. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/60 "2005-06-20T12:59:06Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > A mongoose isn’t a bad idea, but I think using a Peregrine Falcon would be more sporting, as well as more fun. Please don’t forget that the elder smurf is capable of magic. The last thing you want is a smurf cavalry mounted on enchanted mongese. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653.md?page=4)