# Anybody know of a good way to get rid of smurfs? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653 "2005-06-17T04:43:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/61 "2005-06-20T13:10:31Z")
Stop making fun. At least one religion views [smurfs](http://www.freeminds.org/stories/urbanlore.htm) as a real danger. ---
**Author:** ![Bendarr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e56c9b/32.png) [@Bendarr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bendarr)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/62 "2005-06-20T14:24:03Z")
There are 2 schools of thought that I have encountered when dealing with Smurf infestations. 1. “Nuke 'em from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” 2. Or the chemical option. Get yourself a 55 gallon drum of “DIP” and a sprayer. Since they are toons it can be rather effective. Just watch for the runoff. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/63 "2005-06-20T14:58:37Z")
I’m surprised no-one has mentioned the Integrated Pest Management approach: instead of merely slaughtering them wholesale (which, while it takes care of the symptom, does not affect the underlying problem), you stock your garden with their natural enemy: garden gnomes. Garden gnomes were bred specifically for keeping down smurfs, brownies, and other semi-sentient humanoid pests. A properly-trained pedigreed gnome will restrict its activities to the yard in whichn it is installed, and will be quite lethal within those bounds. Garden gnomes thrive best when they get at least one smurf or brownie a week, but they can go for months consuming only squirrels and rats, all the while remaining on the outlook for more smurfs. They are quite effective. If they remain unfed and neglected, however, eventually they will take small dogs or cats. It is important to monitor your garden gnomes to keep them in the best condition. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/64 "2005-06-20T17:35:20Z")
Actually, I’d suggest one of the two devices discussed in this [thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=273187). Both should work well with smurfs as well as other pests. ---
**Author:** ![sjc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@sjc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjc)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/65 "2005-06-20T18:24:01Z")
> [@The King of Soup](#): > > This calls for a team effort. Calling all Dopers! > \* > > Let’s go smurfin’ now > Ev’rybody’s learning how > Come on a safari with meeeee – > Come on a safari with me!\* Shouldn’t that be “come on a _smurf_-ari with meeeee --”? ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/66 "2005-06-20T19:39:50Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Cool. > > Smurfs are a rather unattractive but annoying people whose numbers have decreased somewhat since satellite and cable have encroached on the broadcast television market. They don’t like machines more complicated than a garrote, blackjack or zip gun. As a rule they avoid humans, or “buggers” as they call us, save when a hundred or more may dry gulch a lone farmer or hunter. Ah, so smurfs hang out with boggies, then. That, upon reflection, would explain a lot. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/67 "2005-06-20T20:10:16Z")
> [@winterhawk11](#): > > That, upon reflection, would explain a lot. 🙂 Indeed. However, I must caution anyone on attempting to capitalize on the frequent “turf wars” between Smurfs and Boogies by importing the latter. Boogies can be even more harmful to your lawn, shrubs and liquor cabinet than Smurfs. ---
**Author:** ![marque\_elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71c47a/32.png) [@marque\_elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marque_elf)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/68 "2005-08-05T14:51:26Z")
One possibility that should be considered to control the infestation is the Australian method that was used on their national rabbit problem. They introduced germ warfare and infected rabbits with a disease called myxomytosis. Rabbits being rabbits they began having bunny sex all over the place and spread the disease themselves. It was initially very effective but had several drawbacks. It left really ugly rabbit corpses all over the place and also lead to a super-rabbit population that had acquired an immunity to the disease. To avoid the possibility of disease immune smurfs, I’d suggest a lab bred virus developed using recombinant DNA. The disease should be air born and should having a very rapid progression, from infection to death in 24 to 36 hours so as to prevent the breeding of an immune smurf population. To avoid the problem of unattractive blue corpses all over your garden, the lab bred virus should be spliced together with a strain of Old Time Hollywood Movie Virus (also known as OTMVS) which left is victims looking far better in death than they did while alive. You could then take all those attractive blue corpses and shellac them and sell them at a road side stand or in a yard sale turning an annoying problem into a sure to be welcome infusion of cash. You could perhaps mount the dead smurfs in little tableaus, playing cards or as a jazz band, as the Mexicans do with bullfrogs. ---
**Author:** ![cabdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@cabdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cabdude)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/69 "2005-08-05T15:13:37Z")
> [@marque elf](#): > > It was initially very effective but had several drawbacks. One of which is that you can no longer enjoy their sweet, sweet flesh, for fear of catching the disease yourself. You can, however, still make hats out of them. ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/70 "2005-08-05T16:04:04Z")
Give one of them $100 to paint himself purple and run around going “GNAP! GNAP!” for a while. The rest of them will run away screaming. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/71 "2005-08-05T16:21:25Z")
> [@marque elf](#): > > You could then take all those attractive blue corpses and shellac them and sell them at a road side stand or in a yard sale turning an annoying problem into a sure to be welcome infusion of cash. You could perhaps mount the dead smurfs in little tableaus, playing cards or as a jazz band, as the Mexicans do with bullfrogs. _Do not do this if you have garden gnomes!!!_ Gnomes are extremely territorial and will challenge the dead smurfs. Since the dead smurfs are unable to respond, many gnomes will challenge repeatedly until they are exhausted, rather than seeking live ones. Others will clue in eventually and will attempt to ‘take’ the dead smurfs, and become ill from the shellacking. Some of the more indiscriminate gnomes will attempt to ‘take’ everything in a tableau, and will suffer intestinal troubles as a result. ---
**Author:** ![Cav427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cav427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cav427)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/72 "2005-08-05T17:12:48Z")
You will need the help of NBC. You will have to have NBC cancel them again. Only problem is the Smurphs can pop up in syndication anytime, anyplace. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/73 "2005-08-05T17:19:02Z")
> [@Cav427](#): > > You will need the help of NBC. You will have to have NBC cancel them again. Only problem is the Smurphs can pop up in syndication anytime, anyplace. Isn’t that a bit drastic? “Nuclear, Biological, Chemical”? I mean, yes, it will _work_, but you want to be able to use the garden again. ---
**Author:** ![Cav427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cav427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cav427)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/74 "2005-08-05T17:35:58Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Isn’t that a bit drastic? “Nuclear, Biological, Chemical”? I mean, yes, it will _work_, but you want to be able to use the garden again. What Im talking about is more toxic than Nuclear, Biological or chemical weapons, I am refering to the National Broadcasting Company. It kills brain cells upon viewing or listening, you don’t even have to touch it. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/75 "2005-08-05T17:52:43Z")
> [@Cav427](#): > > What Im talking about is more toxic than Nuclear, Biological or chemical weapons, I am refering to the National Broadcasting Company. It kills brain cells upon viewing or listening, you don’t even have to touch it. Ah, NBC _television_. Unfortunately, that’s only a local problem. Many of us live where the NBC does not reach. Besides, how do you get the smurfs to watch it? They don’t exactly have the greatest attention spans. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/76 "2005-08-05T18:04:50Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Many of us live where the NBC does not reach. It’s the _National_ Broadcasting Company. Canada is part of America, right? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![akira5822](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/53a042/32.png) [@akira5822](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/akira5822)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/77 "2005-08-05T18:14:56Z")
A low yield neutron device should do the trick, leaving you garden ready to plant next season . :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/78 "2005-08-05T19:24:27Z")
> [@akira5822](#): > > A low yield neutron device should do the trick, leaving you garden ready to plant next season . :dubious: Yeah, it would kill weed seed, too. Does the County Extension Office have those? ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/79 "2005-08-05T20:14:30Z")
> [@THespos](#): > > Give one of them $100 to paint himself purple and run around going “GNAP! GNAP!” for a while. The rest of them will run away screaming. You bastard. I waded through this whole thread to offer up that idea. For a moment there I was operating under the illusion that I was the only one who remembered that episode. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653/80 "2005-08-05T20:46:11Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > It’s the _National_ Broadcasting Company. > Canada is part of America, right? Nah. Our Head of State’s new representative-designate is way more photogenic. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anybody-know-of-a-good-way-to-get-rid-of-smurfs/308653.md?page=5)