# Anyone know anything about encouraging Alien Abductions? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 9, 2003, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389 "2003-10-09T01:36:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Jamlad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b77776/32.png) [@Jamlad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jamlad)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/21 "2003-10-09T12:52:22Z")
I was abducted last Wednesday and I was told that due to budget cutbacks I would have to probe my own anus. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/22 "2003-10-09T13:03:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by peritrochoid \* > \*\*Man, what a night. Suddenly, out of the pristinely clear night sky came a beam of some sort! > \*\* Sounds like a 1920s…awww this is like shooting fish in a barrel. with a 1920s style death ray. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/23 "2003-10-09T13:43:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jamlad \* > \*\*I was abducted last Wednesday and I was told that due to budget cutbacks I would have to probe my own anus. \*\* Now _this_ really cracked me up!! ---
**Author:** ![heresiarch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@heresiarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heresiarch)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/24 "2003-10-09T14:10:56Z")
Were you eating a hamburger? A common alien practical joke is to use the transporter to beam pickles into your sandwich. You take a bite, and say “Pickles!? WTF? I didn’t even bring pickles on this camping trip! How the hell did those get there?” 30,000 feet up, the aliens are watching you on their viewscreen, laughing their little green asses off. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/25 "2003-10-09T17:10:43Z")
You wanna get abducted? 1. Park your early 80’s Camaro or late 70’s Ford Pickup out on a dark, lonely rural highway. 2. Drink Jack Daniels and smoke Lucky Strikes. 3. Wear lots of flannel and a baseball cap. 4. Remove most of your teeth. 5. Tell your little sister that if she mouths off to Dad, she is really “in for it”. Sit back and start racking up those “Alien Frequent Flyer” miles! * * * She told me she loved me like a brother. She was from Arkansas, hence the Joy! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/26 "2003-10-09T17:32:33Z")
**peritrochoid** – _you_ know, and _I_ know, and you _know_ that I know the _real_ reason you want to encourage Alien Abductions, and it _ain’t_ for relivin’ your childhood. But it just ain’t _right_ to settle your quarrels with your neighbors this way. ---
**Author:** ![Wyatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b19c9b/32.png) [@Wyatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wyatt)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/27 "2003-10-09T18:12:14Z")
Grrrrr… silly hamsters, of Course I’m allowed to post! **Wankeler!** you WERE abducted, dude! That beam o’ light you remember was them Putting You _Back_ But they were off by just a bit, That’s what knocked you over! So, when you get chur “We’d like to hear from you… How was your abduction…” post card… Be sure to mention their ham-handed return trip! That is the kind of thing the management needs to know about!😃 ---
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/28 "2003-10-09T21:36:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jamlad \* > \*\*I was abducted last Wednesday and I was told that due to budget cutbacks I would have to probe my own anus. \*\* This whole thread is cracking me up, but this? This is priceless. I may have to borrow it for my sig line. ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Norse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/big_norse/32/9954_2.png) [@Big\_Norse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Norse)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/29 "2003-10-09T21:58:00Z")
Use the telescope for long periods of time to collect logic points. Or maybe that only works for Sims… ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/30 "2003-10-09T23:14:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gatopescado \* > \*\*1. Park your early 80’s Camaro or late 70’s Ford Pickup out on a dark, lonely rural highway. > 2. Drink Jack Daniels and smoke Lucky Strikes. > 3. Wear lots of flannel and a baseball cap. > 4. Remove most of your teeth. > 5. Tell your little sister that if she mouths off to Dad, she is really “in for it”. \*\* #1 … _check_ #2 … _check_ #3 … _check_ #4 … _check_ (well, no _check_, but I’ve seen abductees with all their teeth intact. basically, I don’t believe you here, **gatopescado** ) #5 … I don’t have a little sister. Could I borrow someone else’s? > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \* > \*\*peritrochoid-- you know, and I know, and you know that I know the real reason you want to encourage > Alien Abductions, and it ain’t for relivin’ your childhood. > > But it just ain’t right to settle your quarrels with your neighbors this way. \*\* **Bosda** , dude, keep it down! My neighbors already think I’m crazy because of that wild Ouija Boar I snuck into the building last week. They’re just too damned uptight! And they’re **FREAKS**!!! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wyatt \* > \*\ ***Wankeler!** you WERE abducted, dude! That beam o’ light you remember was them Putting You _Back_ > But they were off by just a bit, That’s what knocked you over! \*\* Oh dear. I wonder if this could be true. You don’t suppose they made me probe my own anus, do you? :dubious: Surely they were well-funded back in the day. > [@](#): > > \*\*So, when you get chur > “We’d like to hear from you… > How was your abduction…” post card… > Be sure to mention their ham-handed return trip! > That is the kind of thing the management needs to know about! \*\* But it was over 20 years ago. I guess the card was lost in the mail. You don’t happen to have their address, do you, **Wyatt**? ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/31 "2003-10-09T23:18:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lost4life \* > \*\*Sounds like a 1920s…awww this is like shooting fish in a barrel. > with a 1920s style death ray. 😃 \*\* That would be a 1980s style death ray. Duh! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/32 "2003-10-09T23:37:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by peritrochoid \* > \*\* > **Bosda** , dude, keep it down! My neighbors already think I’m crazy because of that wild Ouija Boar I snuck into the building last week. They’re just too damned uptight! And they’re **FREAKS**!!! > \*\* _They’re_ freaks?! _You’re_ smuggling fortune-telling feral hogs into you building, and you call _them_ strange? :smack: ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/33 "2003-10-09T23:42:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \* > **_You’re_ smuggling fortune-telling feral hogs into you building …** Well … yeah. Doesn’t everybody? ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/34 "2003-10-10T01:31:06Z")
Maybe if you offered the aliens a Ouija Boar pigroast they’d drop by? Do you think they’d remember to bring pie? ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/35 "2003-10-10T02:01:48Z")
It may help if you have a mullet. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/36 "2003-10-10T02:09:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > \*\*It may help if you have a mullet. \*\* And have the IQ of a cornstalk. ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/37 "2003-10-10T02:17:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by EddyTeddyFreddy \* > \*\*Do you think they’d remember to bring pie? \*\* mmmmm … pie. Who _wouldn’t_ bring pie to a pigroast? 😃 Oh, and **Shirley Ujest** and **Q.E.D.** , the IQ isn’t that far off, and I can probably lower it those few critical points by huffing gasoline this weekend, but the mullet will take a while. Any suggestions? ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/38 "2003-10-10T02:22:47Z")
At the risk of looking foolish, I am going to give the OP a direct answer. At least as direct as it can be for all of my knowledge of the abduction scene. 1. Aliens don’t mess up. If they want you, they take you. 2. Missing time. Did you know what time it was when you were looking at the moon, and what time it was after you saw the light beam? Aliens are really smart at making 2 or 3 hours seem like 2 or 3 seconds - not to mention their memory erasing technology. 3. Hi Opal. 4. If Whitley Strieber can be believed :rolleyes:, abduction is not a one time thing. Aliens will abduct the same person many times over the course of their life. Look for the tell tale mysterious scars. 5. I remember a story about some guys who would go to a place where UFO sightings were common and flash a really powerful light (1 million+ candle power) lights into the sky. They claim that UFOs have flashed lights in respones. Of course, nobody had a camera with them :rolleyes:[sup]2[/sup]. ---
**Author:** ![if6was9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@if6was9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/if6was9)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/39 "2003-10-10T02:24:22Z")
MMMMMMM… pig roast… I’d get abducted and probed for one of those! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389/40 "2003-10-10T02:45:38Z")
Sure, aliens don’t mess up _ **now** _, but they had to develop and test their rays and beams _somehow_. And we all know that there are almost always malfunctions during R&D. Hmm … mysterious scars … and here I thought I got those from that night in … umm … NEVERMIND! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-know-anything-about-encouraging-alien-abductions/206389.md?page=3)