# Anyone realize they had emotionally/psychologically abusive parents? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 12, 2014, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612 "2014-06-12T08:12:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2014, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/101 "2014-06-19T05:20:20Z")
This wasnt abuse. But it was sure a dumb thing my friends parents did. You see years ago his father bought some land in an area of that eventually became very developed and that land would have been worth over $1 million today. But his fathers only “job” was working at a family business that eventually went under and so without an income he was no longer able to keep up the mortgage and taxes on the land and was foreclosed on. Now the kicker is her was too stubborn and proud to ask his sons to help out. They would have gladly loaned the Dad the money or bought it from him. So Dad, by being stubborn, threw away what would be today a million dollar inheritance for the family. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2014, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/102 "2014-06-19T14:47:51Z")
My mother decided that anything in the family that went wrong was somehow my fault. I lived in total fear that one of my siblings would do the absolutely, most smallest thing that could be construed as “wrong,” cause I would be punished for it. My mother’s mantra was “Well, I know Annie told you to do it.” ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2014, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/103 "2014-06-19T23:26:43Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > My mother decided that anything in the family that went wrong was somehow my fault. I lived in total fear that one of my siblings would do the absolutely, most smallest thing that could be construed as “wrong,” cause I would be punished for it. > > My mother’s mantra was “Well, I know Annie told you to do it.” Oh! Greetings, Fellow Family Scapegoat. ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2014, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/104 "2014-06-19T23:37:14Z")
> [@FreeRadical](#): > > …the journey into adulthood was a painful one. > > The bitter competitiveness towards any partners I had as they were never good enough, the constant manipulativeness & guilt trips endowed upon me etc etc. And of course the irreconcilable childhood memories of beatings for my so called “bad behaviour & embarrassment to the family”, which is funny as I’m the only family member to ever go to university. > > I became a lone parent at 30, which my father & step mother begrudged, asking me to give them my daughter so that I could get on with my own life all because they were too old to have children of their own. They once married, put themselves forward as foster carers & were turned down. When that failed my father then along with his best mate from work proceeded to put one of my best friends in hospital with threats to kill them if they continued to support me being a lone parent. It was years before I was even fully aware of this, at the time I had moved for work to London & found it hard coping with losing friends that I had had for over 10 years, all of a sudden I was no longer welcome with one excuse or another. > > I’m now 43, my daughter is 16, very messed up & confused about her grand father & step grand mother. We have both been excluded from their lives (thankfully) for the last 7 years. Up until my daughter was born they had the ambition of marrying me off to my step mothers daughter, if thinking the situation couldn’t get any more weird I was wrong. My step sister married a man with exactly the same date of birth as me , she already having 4 children by 2 fathers & 2 previous marriages could do no wrong in their eyes. My father fully embraced this other man as his perfect son, whom is a very bitter individual as his own father committed suicide when he was 12. My father repeatedly humiliated me & my daughter at every family event possible, even demanding publicly that (myself at the age of 32) had no business being part of HIS family if I continued to have a (wholesome & normal) relationship with my own birth mother & step father, demanding that I choose between them. My mother left him when I was 15 but I stayed with him, nursing him & his broken ego. For years as a young adult I had issues with my mother, I didn’t understand why she left & it’s only a an adult, parent & many therapies later that now I can look back at my childhood as being far from normal, my mother being a victim of his abuse as much as I was. > > The point is, you don’t have to suffer the abuse of a hostile or messed up parent. If they won’t accept you & your choices in life as an adult then break away, a few months or years will allow you to heal & them to reflect (positively I hope). > > In total contrast my mother & step father have been mine & my daughters strongest allies, although they are retired & live across Europe they have always been exemplary towards myself & their grand daughter. > > Again, all I can say is you don’t have to put up with hostility or abuse from anyone, not even family, it’s not fair on you, your partner or any children you may have. If you have to involve the Police, Social Services or Doctors under the mental health act then do so to protect your family unit, very often the abuse won’t stop until their are other authorities involved. It is not selfish to want what’s best for yourself & your family. The abusers have to be stopped if they won’t volunteer change upon themselves. As a victim you bare no shame & should not allow the poisonous pride of others who are out of control to damage you or your loved ones. > > Best of luck to you & yours… Agreed. But question. If your daughter is 16, shouldn’t you be 46? Other than that, yes. I have been estranged from my parents, but not nearly as much as I should have been if I’d had a healthier sense of self worth earlier in life. For instance, my mother had a falling out with my uncle. He inherited my grandmother’s cabin. My mother then forbid any of us going up there ever. When I got married, I asked my uncle if we could use the cabin for our honeymoon. He said yes. His wife promptly called my mother and told her (I was 36 at the time), and my mother called me and said I would be disowned if we went to the cabin for our honeymoon. I was sobbing out loud with my future husband holding me, as I told her okay. She won. On the wedding day, she refused to speak to me. She refused to pose for pictures. She did, however, give my husband my maternal grandmother’s 25th wedding anniversary set, which was exactly four days older than me. I cried when I saw it. No well wishes, no congratulations, no hug. The one time she did speak to me on my wedding day was as they were getting in their car to leave she said “Well, bye.” I was so depressed on my honeymoon, I refused to get out of bed the first couple of days. And we didn’t speak for a time after that, if I recall correctly. Lots of painful memories here, but I just remind myself “She’s dead, and she can never hurt me again.” ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2014, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/105 "2014-06-19T23:39:20Z")
I forgot. For my cousin’s wedding, and my sister’s wedding, she shopped a long time for the perfect dress. My wedding? She wore a muumuu. ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2014, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/106 "2014-06-19T23:42:55Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > I had a few wtf situations with my parents too, who were most certainly at the very least, emotionally abusive. > > 1. Dad used to get mad at me because I always had a runny nose. He’d give me cold medicine and then act like it was my fault I kept getting colds. When I grew up and went to the doctor for a particularly bad “cold,” I learned that I had terrible allergies and I NEVER HAD THAT MANY COLDS AS A KID. Those were allergy attacks. Apparently, it never occurred to my parents that kids sometimes are allergic and what you do is take your kid to a doctor, find out what she’s allergic to and then treat those allergies or figure out how to avoid the triggers. Nope. I got punished for getting a “cold.” > > 2. I was dancing once in the basement, which had painted concrete floors. I was wearing socks, so when I dropped into a split, I went too fast and twisted a bit on the way down, which ripped up something in my hip. I was never taken to a proper orthopedic specialist or even a general pediatrician. I was taken to a chiro-quack-ter, who obviously couldn’t prescribe meds (because they aren’t goddamned doctors), so he gave me some herbal crap for pain that was completely useless and did nothing and nothing was ever done. I still have pain and finally saw an orthopedic surgeon, who diagnosed my femoral impingement and told me the only corrective option, now, is surgery. Thanks stepmom and dad! Shall I send you the bill? > > 3. Dentist referred me to an orthodontist several times. Every time I’d go in, she’d ask what dad said about it. My parents didn’t think they needed to pay for braces, so I’ve spent a lifetime being sneered at and called “snaggletooth” and avoiding smiling in photographs (and no, I do not do selfies) because my parents just didn’t think my teeth were that bad. “Oh, you don’t need braces, your teeth are fine.” And you got your dental degree where? > > Nevermind the abuse, I’m still pissed off at what I consider to be a grave dereliction of duty on my parents’ part. Not getting actual medical attention when warranted is, IMO just as abusive as being hit with a wooden paddle. To be sure, as an adult, I still find myself paying for my parents’ mistakes. (Yes, I’m looking into braces, but I have a choice: new HVAC units or braces. AC, braces. This is Florida. I’m going to have to live with horrible teeth for a few more years.) /hugs I got the braces. My mom said probably twenty years later that she never should have gotten them, because then my sister and I likely would not have “Gotten pregnant out of wedlock.” Gee, really??! Ya don’t think dad molesting us had anything to do with the promiscuity? {/symphony of sarcasm} ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2014, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/107 "2014-06-19T23:44:21Z")
> [@Commander\_Fortune](#): > > My grades were good enough for college, I was class valedictorian, but why would I ever go? College was only for very pretty girls looking for husbands who don’t like hard work, and I’ve never been as pretty as I think I am. Wow. You must be my long-lost sister. Seriously. Do you have any desire to continue your education at this stage of life? ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2014, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/108 "2014-06-19T23:50:17Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > How do you know that it’s not the norm? By the time you get to school, it’s all you know so you don’t know any better. I also grew up in a different era. When my mother took us into the hospital for treatment, they wouldn’t say anything. My mother said that when asked once, she said it was because my father had kicked whichever of the children it was that time, and the doctor simply turned away. > > I always knew I was in a great deal of emotional pain, but I had no idea that this wasn’t normal. > > When I was in college, I went to the student counseling center where people who are training to become therapists can get practice. One of the therapists asked me if I was angry with my father. I wasn’t particularly, because I didn’t really understand not every father makes his wife get down on her hands and knees and lick his shoes. > > I had a crush on one girl, who could have been one of my first girlfriends had I been aware that she was interested in me, but I never suspected that someone may like me, I just didn’t have the concept. I was talking about something about my family and she started to cry, which confused me. She said she really loved her father and it seemed so sad, but again, I just couldn’t relate. > > Intellectually, I started to understand more and more as I get older and began to realize that our family was up there on the scale of fucked up families. > > However, it wasn’t until really recently that it started to register with me on an emotional level. Now my oldest is five and is the same age as where most of my memories begin, the difference between her experiences and mine are so stark, it’s hard to imagine that we are both homo sapiens. > > She just doesn’t have the terror response. By five, I knew that anytime my father was angry or even a little tense, running for cover if he hadn’t seen you yet was the best option. If he had noticed you, you were fucked, but that was just part of life. > > My children are allowed to feel emotions and express them. They can be sad or happy, have fun or be angry. They aren’t beat up for simply being in the same room as an angry adult, let alone worry if they are going to die that day. > > They are children and have the bad days as well as good ones. They have to be corrected at times, but it’s all within normal ranges appropriate to their age and levels of understanding. Typing this out, it reminds me again that there will be some people who will get this and others who will say “well of course.” But it wasn’t “of course.” > > I guess that one of the largest differences is that they just seem so secure. They know they’re loved and they love back. While this may seem mundane to everyone, I had never seen that before. > > There’s been a thousand times I’ve started to write an OP along those lines, how amazing it must be for little children to grow up with the most powerful figure they know actually caring for them and about them. Someone who loves and watches out for them. > > When my daughter was a few months old, I used to cry myself to sleep at night, shaking with enormous sobs about the pain she would face in life, wondering what the fuck I had done to bring someone else into this world. > > But it’s just starting to hit me that they won’t have that. They’ll have their own challenges, and unfortunately I’m not going to be able to provide everything that a normal parent would be able to, but they don’t have the same indications of emotional disorders which my siblings and I had even at their young age. > > We had the lunch meat or something like that. We were standing in front of the window in the living room and my father would come in, scream for a while then go back into the dining room. He’d beat one or another one up for a while. Finally my sister admitted it and got the shit beaten out of it. I suspect now that they took the fall because my older brother probably did it but wouldn’t say so. > > Oh yeah. I grew up Mormon and my father was the “priesthood holder” for the family. We were to obey. > > A lot of people write about their struggles on getting out of Mormonism, and it very much compounded the abuse which was going on. That sounds horrible, but thank you SO MUCH for breaking the chain. My sister did, and her son and his wife are just amazing parents. My daughter has more parenting struggles due to her anger, because so much of her life was living with my parents and she was scapegoated just like me. That is my biggest regret, and I still find myself apologizing to her on a regular basis because I know the effect this has had on her. I remember as I was growing up, my mind just raging through the sobs “I will NEVER make my daughter feel like this. Never!!!” And on a more fun note - this video actually made me cry a couple of times, because what a blessed kid, to have these parents. It’s a funny video, and you should know who Admiral Ackbar is to ‘get it.’ [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/gh5mNtWj5kE/hqdefault.jpg "What does Admiral Ackbar say?") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gh5mNtWj5kE) ---
**Author:** ![Commander\_Fortune](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Commander\_Fortune](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commander_Fortune)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2014, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/109 "2014-06-20T00:42:58Z")
:o > [@BDBoop](#): > > Wow. You must be my long-lost sister. Seriously. > > Do you have any desire to continue your education at this stage of life? I feel like my education is ongoing, all the time, and I self study just about anything I take interest in. However, it’s been piece meal as far as formal classwork goes. I’ve taken the occasional continuing ed classes through CU Boulder, and I’ve had my share of career relevant workshops, the next thing on my radar is getting certified as a personal trainer. In the mean time, the big education focus in our household is on supporting our (23 yo) kid while she pursues her Veterinary degree. There was definitely physical abuse, but the neglect and the emotional abuse had the longest lasting impact. Denial of medical treatment happened more than once … On the one occassion I did see a doctor, it was a gynocologist because my step-mother had sucessfully convinced my father that I had syphillis (vs. a GI infection) at the age of 15. There was no trip to the doctor for a hip fracture… he didn’t even bother to end our camping trip because he was sure it was “only dislocated”. I didn’t walk right for weeks, and it would ‘pop-out’ regularly until I had my daughter. I didn’t find out it had actually been broken until an x-ray in my 30s. ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2014, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/110 "2014-06-20T00:51:42Z")
> [@Commander\_Fortune](#): > > :o > > I feel like my education is ongoing, all the time, and I self study just about anything I take interest in. However, it’s been piece meal as far as formal classwork goes. I’ve taken the occasional continuing ed classes through CU Boulder, and I’ve had my share of career relevant workshops, the next thing on my radar is getting certified as a personal trainer. In the mean time, the big education focus in our household is on supporting our (23 yo) kid while she pursues her Veterinary degree. > > There was definitely physical abuse, but the neglect and the emotional abuse had the longest lasting impact. Denial of medical treatment happened more than once … On the one occassion I did see a doctor, it was a gynocologist because my step-mother had sucessfully convinced my father that I had syphillis (vs. a GI infection) at the age of 15. There was no trip to the doctor for a hip fracture… he didn’t even bother to end our camping trip because he was sure it was “only dislocated”. I didn’t walk right for weeks, and it would ‘pop-out’ regularly until I had my daughter. I didn’t find out it had actually been broken until an x-ray in my 30s. That’s horrible. Especiallly the “syphilis” bit, ffs. Crazy. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2014, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/111 "2014-06-20T02:03:12Z")
My step-father told my mother he saw me going into a hotel with a one-armed man. 75 miles away. I was about ten. I actually wondered if I’d done it. And then I worried about being pregnant, from the non-existent tryst. :rolleyes: I’m sorry you were sexually shamed. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2014, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/112 "2014-06-20T14:34:53Z")
> [@BDBoop](#): > > Agreed. But question. If your daughter is 16, shouldn’t you be 46? I thought the same thing, but then realized that the daughter’s father may have left them when the daughter was 3. ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2014, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/113 "2014-06-20T14:47:43Z")
> [@Soylent\_Juicy](#): > > I thought the same thing, but then realized that the daughter’s father may have left them when the daughter was 3. Boy, is my face red. Upon re-reading, I’m sure you are correct. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2014, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/114 "2014-06-20T16:40:09Z")
Where to start? I’m 30 and my mum suggests I go to conselling sessions. I readily agree - she seems surprised as though there would have to be some sort of intervention to make this happen. Unfortunately at this point I didn’t remember a whole block of my childhood and/or had focused my emotions on being raped at 16. I blab on to the councellor. After a couple of sessions my mum complains to me that the counselling was in order for me to commmunicate better with her. At the next session the counsellor tells me my mother had called wanting to know what we’d been talking about and what she expected from my sessions. The remaining visits comprised of the counsellor suggesting things I could say to my mother. As a friend dryly put it to me later: So your mum paid for you to have counselling to get counselled about how to deal with her? Sometime after these sessions my cousin and my mum argue. It comes to light that my mum had written a series of articles baring her soul about her drug and alcohol addicted daughter. My cousins had been walking on egg shells around me, thinking I was some sort of recovering junkie - _due to the articles my mother had written._ I still can’t really process this. I was visiting my family - my cousins were not taking me down the pub, there was this whole avoidance thing going on. I like a drink or two, but I don’t drink wine, I don’t drink at meals - I really only drink when going out - so by the time the cousins realised the whole story was hogwash, it had been about a month since I’d had a beer (I don’t drink wine and spirits generally) we went to a nightclub and I practically downed a pint of lager in one! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/115 "2014-06-21T04:32:39Z")
Goodness, you made me remember something. My mom and I tried to go to a Christian counselor, and were so combative that he decided he should see us separately to start with. Back-to-back sessions, I went first. When were on our way home, she said that the therapist said I was mentally ill, manipulative, belligerent and I can’t even remember all the adjectives she threw at me. I refused to return. i also remember a time she told me “everybody at church says you’re bullheaded.” I said “Apparently, everybody at church has the sinful habit of gossiping. Not only that, but I don’t know most of the people at church except by sight - so I’m going to have to assume they got their information from you, mom.” :smack: ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/116 "2014-06-21T16:06:16Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > > [@kambuckta](#): > > > > Y’know, most people in this world want to do good. Unless they are severely mentally ill, MOST people try the best they can to be the best people they can. Of course, some people have limited resources (whether by their own upbringing, or financial/social or emotional handicaps), but that’s all part of being a human being. We’re all frail, fallible and imperfect. > > > > Threads like this really give me the fucking shits because ALL parents have been emotionally or psychologically ‘abusive’. It’s part of being a parent, and it’s all a part of growing up to be an adult. > > > > Show me a child who hasn’t been fucked over by their parents in some way! Geez, even kids who had the perfect upbringing complain that their parents didn’t prepare them for the harsh realities of living in the ‘real world’. > > > > You want to whinge about your parents? Go get a counsellor who’ll validate your experiences. > > > > Here? Not so much. > > Right? I mean seriously, what’s the worst your mom or dad ever did to you, **Kambuckta**? I don’t think **kambuckta’s** coming back to this thread. Therefore, let’s talk about people like him. It’s true, every person’s upbringing involves some level of “abuse”. Sometimes it’s intentionally inflicted, sometimes it’s accidental, sometimes it’s just a bunch of random shit that happens, etc. It’s a complicated millieu. What’s important to keep in mind is that it’s a matter of DEGREES of “abuse” – not just in the severity and frequency of what happens, but also in the skills learned by the person to deal with it. People react to their environment differently. Some, like **kambuckta** , take the stance that what happened to them wasn’t really so bad, or was merely something every person has to suck it up and deal with. It’s a common defense, where one puts the blinders on or buries their head in the sand and plays make-believe; consequently, such a person is likely to ignore not only their own history of “abuse”, but also the histories expressed by others. Which leads a person like **kambuckta** to threadshit on people describing their own histories (if bad things never happened to _him,_ they must never happen to anyone else, right?); or, more commonly, inflict the nature of their own “abuse” upon their own circle of friends and their own children. And thus their children grow up learning to threadshit and heap their own “abuse” on _their_ own children… and on and on it goes, this vicious cycle. As for “dealing with it”, I happen to think that empathy plays a major role, as previously expressed by **Mr. Nylock** and **Orr, G.** and others. Empathy is learned, not innate. For example, it’s my own pet theory that people like Elliot Rodger must have grown up in a family where everything was superficially normal, _except_ empathy. But who knows what really happened. ---
**Author:** ![Kevbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/117 "2014-06-21T17:48:26Z")
My mom had this great idea of using chores as punishment. Then if I would behave, she would come up with some bullshit offense, because the chores still need doing. Also, because they were punishment, making the work easier was a bad thing. No listening to music, and use the crappy dull tools, keep the good tools locked up for her own use. Also she felt the need to nitpick the quality of the work, undoing it if possible and having me start over. She threw a major fit when I brought home a cast off power lawn mower and resurrected it. She later remarked how great it was that I kept the lawn mowed without being asked…no shit lady, it helps not having to use a dull manual reel mower! Anyway, I have are really shitty work ethic. Any unpleasant task feels like punishment. If I force myself to continue I can bring on a full blown anxiety attack. I am working with a shrink, but progress is very slow. ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/118 "2014-06-21T18:12:54Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > I don’t think **kambuckta’s** coming back to this thread. Therefore, let’s talk about people like him. > > It’s true, every person’s upbringing involves some level of “abuse”. Sometimes it’s intentionally inflicted, sometimes it’s accidental, sometimes it’s just a bunch of random shit that happens, etc. It’s a complicated millieu. What’s important to keep in mind is that it’s a matter of DEGREES of “abuse” – not just in the severity and frequency of what happens, but also in the skills learned by the person to deal with it. > > People react to their environment differently. Some, like **kambuckta** , take the stance that what happened to them wasn’t really so bad, or was merely something every person has to suck it up and deal with. It’s a common defense, where one puts the blinders on or buries their head in the sand and plays make-believe; consequently, such a person is likely to ignore not only their own history of “abuse”, but also the histories expressed by others. Which leads a person like **kambuckta** to threadshit on people describing their own histories (if bad things never happened to _him,_ they must never happen to anyone else, right?); or, more commonly, inflict the nature of their own “abuse” upon their own circle of friends and their own children. And thus their children grow up learning to threadshit and heap their own “abuse” on _their_ own children… and on and on it goes, this vicious cycle. > > As for “dealing with it”, I happen to think that empathy plays a major role, as previously expressed by **Mr. Nylock** and **Orr, G.** and others. Empathy is learned, not innate. For example, it’s my own pet theory that people like Elliot Rodger must have grown up in a family where everything was superficially normal, _except_ empathy. But who knows what really happened. Excellent post. Brings to mind my own experiences regarding ‘sharing of the pain.’ Ever read When Rabbit Howls, by Truddi Chase? I read it before I went into therapy for several months. That woman went through some excruciating hell, and of course my memories paled by comparison. My therapist said survivorship doesn’t work that way. You don’t automatically become _less_ damaged because someone you heard of was _more_ damaged. It’d be nice, but it’s not logical. 😉 Anyway - the best line I got from that book was from Truddi’s therapist. She said “You’re perfectly normal for what you’ve been through.” That was a HUGE validation for me. And as I gained some distance, healing, and much-needed boundaries, my ‘normal’ changed as well. Recently though, I repeated the line to somebody, and she went off on me. Because there is no such thing as normal, and we are bloody FINE the way we are, and etc. I can’t remember the rest but I do know I hit her shame grid and came out the other side filleted. Good times. ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/119 "2014-06-22T00:01:21Z")
I have long told people I was raised by wolves. My dad was mostly absent for me, sometimes physically, but even when present he was emotionally absent. He had constant affairs, with friends, neighbors, pretty much any woman who would have him. The main thing I have anger at him for is that he didn’t protect us from Mom. Mom was mentally ill, suffering from depression and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD.) This was in the 60’s and 70’s when there was little in the way of effective treatment for depression, and there is still no effective treatment for NPD. I have two sisters, one younger and one older. Love was NEVER unconditional. We had to earn it. You were never in any doubt where you were on the pecking order, because she would tell you. We were raised to compete with each other for Mom’s approval and attention. We are all over 50, but we still sometimes unconsciously slip into competing even though Mom is dead now. Because of this, we are not close. Eventually, one sister evolved into the Golden Child by default, as my other sister and I married young to get out of the house. As a matter of fact, one of the things that knocked me permanently out of the running for Golden Child was that boys liked me and Mom did not approve of boys. I got the usual spankings, but saw my mom kick my older sister on more than one occasion. It was more the emotional abuse. My mom would put us in the car and drive past where Dad’s truck was parked outside his latest girlfriend’s house. We should not have been drawn into that as preteens. It never stopped, when she was in her 80’s we were in her doctor’s office and she elbowed me and told me the elderly receptionist was a woman my dad had slept with back in the day. The NPD also compounded the depression. When she was depressed and suicidal, she couldn’t imagine my sisters and I surviving without her, so she when she made suicide plans, she made murder-suicide plans. How do I know this? Because when she felt a little better, her NPD took over and she had to tell us how wonderful and strong she was for not killing us. Mom always wanted good things for us, but they had to be the things SHE wanted for us, not the things we wanted for ourselves. Even then she had no follow through. She would talk and talk how she would like for us to take piano lessons, but never made any move to find a teacher or sign us up for lessons. When I went to college on an early admission program at age 16, I had to do all the paperwork, including the FAFSA, by myself as she couldn’t be bothered. I am proud to say I broke the cycle of shitty parenting, I wasn’t perfect but I did a much better job than my parents did. Both of my children are now parents and they are doing a great job. It makes me very happy. ---
**Author:** ![BDBoop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@BDBoop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BDBoop)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612/120 "2014-06-22T01:11:41Z")
> [@Cub\_Mistress](#): > > I have long told people I was raised by wolves. My dad was mostly absent for me, sometimes physically, but even when present he was emotionally absent. He had constant affairs, with friends, neighbors, pretty much any woman who would have him. The main thing I have anger at him for is that he didn’t protect us from Mom. Mom was mentally ill, suffering from depression and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD.) This was in the 60’s and 70’s when there was little in the way of effective treatment for depression, and there is still no effective treatment for NPD. > > I have two sisters, one younger and one older. Love was NEVER unconditional. We had to earn it. You were never in any doubt where you were on the pecking order, because she would tell you. We were raised to compete with each other for Mom’s approval and attention. We are all over 50, but we still sometimes unconsciously slip into competing even though Mom is dead now. Because of this, we are not close. Eventually, one sister evolved into the Golden Child by default, as my other sister and I married young to get out of the house. As a matter of fact, one of the things that knocked me permanently out of the running for Golden Child was that boys liked me and Mom did not approve of boys. > > I got the usual spankings, but saw my mom kick my older sister on more than one occasion. It was more the emotional abuse. My mom would put us in the car and drive past where Dad’s truck was parked outside his latest girlfriend’s house. We should not have been drawn into that as preteens. It never stopped, when she was in her 80’s we were in her doctor’s office and she elbowed me and told me the elderly receptionist was a woman my dad had slept with back in the day. > > The NPD also compounded the depression. When she was depressed and suicidal, she couldn’t imagine my sisters and I surviving without her, so she when she made suicide plans, she made murder-suicide plans. How do I know this? Because when she felt a little better, her NPD took over and she had to tell us how wonderful and strong she was for not killing us. > > Mom always wanted good things for us, but they had to be the things SHE wanted for us, not the things we wanted for ourselves. Even then she had no follow through. She would talk and talk how she would like for us to take piano lessons, but never made any move to find a teacher or sign us up for lessons. When I went to college on an early admission program at age 16, I had to do all the paperwork, including the FAFSA, by myself as she couldn’t be bothered. > > I am proud to say I broke the cycle of shitty parenting, I wasn’t perfect but I did a much better job than my parents did. Both of my children are now parents and they are doing a great job. It makes me very happy. Lots of similarities with you, as well. I finally had a friend tell me a wolf would never parent as badly as my parental units did. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anyone-realize-they-had-emotionally-psychologically-abusive-parents/690612.md?page=7)