# Apparently, I AM a terrorist... (airplane rant) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131 "2002-12-11T23:17:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/121 "2002-12-14T04:36:03Z")
One thing I’ve noticed throughout this thread is that (except for **Waverly** ) there’s a recurring theme of females being frisked by male security agents. Whenever my wife and I fly, she usually has to go through a manual search since she is riding her scooter through the airport. Somehow, they always manage to have a female agent available for this. In fact, she’s occasionally joked about how just once she’d like to have one of “those hunky male guards” (as she puts it) checking her out. So we must assume that there’s some regulation that the female agents are only permitted to search the older women. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/122 "2002-12-14T08:02:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Slainte \* > \*\*I don’t believe your pic is posted on TUSDMBPP, **Monstre** so I’ll just have to assume that you are hot ;). (It’s the intelligence that really charms me anyway) > > Thanks. And just FTR, it’s not like I fly in leather & fishnet stockings or anything - usually jeans and a shirt or sweater. \*\* Oh sure. Just take all the fun out of air travel… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/123 "2002-12-14T14:48:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Monstre \* > \*\*Oh sure. Just take all the fun out of air travel… 😉 \*\* **Monstre** , there’s always the _mile high club_… ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/124 "2002-12-14T14:56:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lady of the Lake \* > \*\*😃 > > Sometimes, I’m so glad I’m female. ;)\*\* Oh yeah, it’s great not having erections to embarass you as you go down the plane. It’s far better to be a small woman bent over and groped by a large man who squeezes your breasts and pinches your nipples and casually runs the magnetic wand up to rub your crotch, and does that and other things to you in front of hundreds of people, leering all the time and challenging you to protest, so you can be labeled a “security risk”. :rolleyes: The fucking motherfucking fucked-up shit they do to women would get those worthless pieces of fucking scum either arrested or shot if they did it in any other context to a woman. The screeners who do it are subhuman scum, and deserve to be treated as the sexual predators that they are. :mad: In fact, in any other context, I would kill the person who forcibly groped me like that. Or try to, anyhow. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/125 "2002-12-14T18:00:42Z")
On some days when I am playing at being a biker and go to the airport to greet people arriving or waving in relief that someone is finally leaving, I always go as far into the system as I can. \< veg \> Do you know how long it takes to remove all the metal that goes with the biker costume? Spurs on my boots, little mag light in my boot, and on and on and on…? Bwahahahaha Then when we get it down to almost indecent exposure, I still set the ding dong machine off because I have a metal upper arm. This requires more wand work before I finally pull out the copy of the xray that shows them what the problem is. Now even if they get so pissed that they refuse to let me pass, I can take more time that any woman to reassemble my persona and being rather large, I can really hold up the line. \< veg \> Of course I am unfailingly polite about it all so I don’t get held off a flight if I happen to be actually going somewhere myself. So far, the other people who are waiting end up grinning ear to ear as I make the ‘drones’ EARN their money. Bwahahahaha ---
**Author:** ![Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lady_of_the_Lake)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/126 "2002-12-14T18:17:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Anthracite \* > \*\*Oh yeah, it’s great not having erections to embarass you as you go down the plane. It’s far better to be a small woman bent over and groped by a large man who squeezes your breasts and pinches your nipples and casually runs the magnetic wand up to rub your crotch, and does that and other things to you in front of hundreds of people, leering all the time and challenging you to protest, so you can be labeled a “security risk”. :rolleyes: > > The fucking motherfucking fucked-up shit they do to women would get those worthless pieces of fucking scum either arrested or shot if they did it in any other context to a woman. The screeners who do it are subhuman scum, and deserve to be treated as the sexual predators that they are. :mad: > > In fact, in any other context, I would kill the person who forcibly groped me like that. Or try to, anyhow. \*\* Anthracite, Women are being taken advantage of. I was not trying to imply that these security guards were not taking advantage of the situation, nor that these situations were not happening. I apologize if that seemed the point of my comment. It had just struck me that the troubles Waverly had mentioned was something I’d never had to worry about. I hear mention of pms being worse for men becauase they have to ‘deal with women while THEY have pms’ and that had always struck me as unfair. Here was something that was slightly unfair for a man, not being able to control his body as well as he would like…how many times have I wished greater control of my own body? _shrugs_ This brought back the truth that bad things happen to both women and men, NOT that women are overreacting here. Again, these stories in this thread are scary to read through, and it does make me both sad and frustrated that women are being taken advantage of. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/127 "2002-12-14T18:23:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Slainte \* > \*\ ***Monstre** , there’s always the _mile high club_… \*\* :eek: ::: off to book a flight to South Carolina ::: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/128 "2002-12-14T18:32:04Z")
😃 Thanks, **Monstre**. You made my day. I’ll try to stop hijacking this thread now. My apologies to the lovely **BBJ** , et al. ---
**Author:** ![KarmaComa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e36b37/32.png) [@KarmaComa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarmaComa)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/129 "2002-12-14T18:32:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jinwicked \* > **Hmm… interesting. I usually go flying with my full outfit on, top hat, tight shirt, jeans, boots, long coat, etc etc. I have only been searched once beyond the regular metal detector and bag search everyone gets – and that was because something I was wearing set off the detector.** Clearly they aren’t doing enough to screen viable threats – isn’t that exactly what all the 9/11 terrorists were wearing? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/130 "2002-12-14T21:39:15Z")
Yes, all the 9/11 terrorists were wearing clothes. They should ramp down screenings of those attempting to board while nude. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/131 "2002-12-14T22:51:12Z")
> [@](#): > > They should ramp down screenings of those attempting to board while nude. No, officer – I’m afraid this carry-on item **won’t** fit under my seat… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/132 "2002-12-15T02:31:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BottledBlondJeanie \* > I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be a terrorist. Why, you might ask would this late 20, tall, blonde, blue eyed, fishbelly-whiteskinned woman be considered a terrorist. Well, it’s the logical conclusion when I ALWAYS get searched at the damned airport. No, hon, it’s because you seem to be a hot babe. Heck, the way you’ve been described you sound hot even to me, and I’m as female and het as they get. > [@](#): > > I travel a lot, both for fun and work. Many times I use Southwest as they have a regional hub here in Dallas. I always carry my luggage on. I am a very adept packer and can fit all my stuff in a carry-on. Me, too. Heck, half the time my carry-on is half-empty. But not checking luggage is now considered suspicious, especially if you’ve got more than a day or two between outgoing and return trip. By not checking baggage, you tip the odds towards searching. > [@](#): > > Then, for some reason on Southwest, if you buy a one-way ticket or buy a ticket within an hour of departure, there is an almost guaranteed chance of getting searched. Not just Southwest. If you buy one-way, that same day as departure, or pay with cash you ring alarm bells in the security system. Any one of those will get you extra attention. > [@](#): > > but now you are GOING TO GO THROUGH MY STUFF IN ALMOST FULL VIEW OF EVERY OTHER PASSENGER?! Do I fucking have ANY privacy to pack what I want? Actually, no. You do not have the right to privacy when boarding an airliner. > [@](#): > > I had brought a few toys with me…namely my mini vibrator (small but phallus shaped) and [snip]…Thai Jelly Butt Beads Next time, if you REALLY want to crank peoples’ handles, when the asswipes are staring at your “anal butt beads” say in a _really loud, helpful, chipper voice:_ “Oooo! Do you LIKE these? They’re ever so much fun! You DO know what they are, don’t you? THEY’RE THAI JELLY BUTT BEADS! What sort of anal sex toys do YOU like? HEY, EVERYBODY, THIS GUARD LIKES ANAL SEX TOYS TOO!!!” Bet they won’t be able to get you repacked and boarded fast enough. On second thought - DON’T try that. God knows what the power-trippers would do. > [@](#): > > Oh God, it’s going to be like the Delta incident with the womans dildo, OGOD. You know, in my younger and more sensitive days (like my early to mid 20’s) I probably would have asked the earth to open up and swallow me in such circumstances. Now…hell, once I bought “male incontinence pads” for injured relatives and the idiot checkclerk gasps, blushes, fumbles with the package, mumbles about how she could never buy them for anyone and asks me if they’re for me or someone else… I let off with a foghorn blast _“It says MALE INCONTINENCE PADS right on the goddamn package! Can you read? Do I look like a fucking guy to YOU? Did I just grow a dick in the last two minutes?”_ Look down waistband of blue jean “Nope, still a girl - \* What the fuck’s the matter with you? THEY’RE JUST LIKE PAMPERS ONLY BIGGER! You got a PROBLEM with that? You treat the parents of infants like this? You too proud to wipe your future offspring’s ass? Would you leave a sick, terminally ill relative to lie in his own shit and piss or would you buy the fucking adult diapers? AND PUT UP WITH IGNORANT ASSHOLES LIKE YOU?!”\* So, if I got searched and they found a dildo in my baggage and some assholes started smirking I’d probably fire back with something like **“Look everybody! It’s a goddamned dildo! They found my dildo!”** and turn the damn thing on “frappe” or whatever setting will create the loudest, most obnoxious noise. **“Anything ELSE of mine you nice folks want to show the world?”** Because I find that if you get a little aggressive about these situations the perpetrators of sniggering frat-boy humor often realize what assholes they truly are. Don’t do anything threatening or sarcastic - but do help the nice security agents reassure everyone it’s a dildo and not a bomb. > [@](#): > > Several gasps could be heard, but I stood tall, proud of my anal fetish. Good for you! Having a sex life is nothing to be ashamed of! Shit like this makes me glad I don’t fly on business anymore. I’d rather miss a flight than submit to sexual assault and fuck my company if they don’t understand that. As for other travel… I can do my own flying. Of course the fact I have a pilot’s license ALSO raises flags on the security systems these days, which is just another reason not to fly commercial if I can avoid it. And DON’T get me started about when airport security wanted to confiscate the fire extinguisher out of the airplane as a “possible weapon” (Holy shit! I was ALONE in the airplane, what am I going to do, hijack MYSELF???) and I threatened to call the FAA and report them for removing a required safety item from an airplane. (It is, by the way, a felony to fuck with any airplane in such a way as to cause even a potential safety hazard.) The “security” is mostly for show, it’s fucking useless as every holiday reports shitloads of pocketknives and out-and-out weapons confiscated - which makes wonder about what’s actually getting through - and the amount of power the searchers have lead to abuse. Whoever said that travelers are now automatically assumed to be criminals is _absolutely right!_ Welcome to the “compassionate conservative” States of America, where you are guilty until proven innocent - which you can’t be, since you’re no longer entitled to a lawyer. I could also mention this one fuckwit at work who thought it _real fucking funny_ when I was cutting open some boxes of office supplies about a week after 9/11 - you know, when everyone was still jumpy - and _scream_ “LOOK! IT’S A PILOT WITH A BOXCUTTER! MAYBE SHE’S A TERRORIST!” but that might be getting off subject. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/133 "2002-12-15T13:09:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Anthracite \* > \*\*Oh yeah, it’s great not having erections to embarass you as you go down the plane. It’s far better to be a small woman bent over and groped by a large man who squeezes your breasts and pinches your nipples and casually runs the magnetic wand up to rub your crotch, and does that and other things to you in front of hundreds of people, leering all the time and challenging you to protest, so you can be labeled a “security risk”. :rolleyes: > > The fucking motherfucking fucked-up shit they do to women would get those worthless pieces of fucking scum either arrested or shot if they did it in any other context to a woman. The screeners who do it are subhuman scum, and deserve to be treated as the sexual predators that they are. :mad: > > In fact, in any other context, I would kill the person who forcibly groped me like that. Or try to, anyhow. \*\* Anthracite. I think it’s pretty clear from my short story that I saw the humor in this little episode and wasn’t overly upset by it. However, I think it’s also clear that I’d have been justified in finding it extremely offensive, and not just a mild annoyance. Please don’t confiscate my right to be outraged because I’m male, and please don’t jump down someone’s throat because they share my perspective and try to find humor in the absurd. I just wanted to point that out. As for the rest of your post, I’m truly sorry that anything like that has happened to you. A female colleague recently had her underwire embarrassingly probed by a male screener. There is no doubt in my mind that these people are prone to abusing their tiny powers for cheap thrills. I feel the key is accountability. They have precocious little of it at present, and any protests are met with subtle threats that harsh penalties can be leveled at anyone interfering with screeners. There also seems to be a lack of supervision (anyone else ever try to find out who is charge at a security station?) and I’ve found there is clearly no recourse – no one to complain to, no one to look into your complaint, no one to ensure that screeners behave professionally. ---
**Author:** ![Intaglio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/71e660/32.png) [@Intaglio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intaglio)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/134 "2002-12-16T03:07:09Z")
Check this out: Protecting our Airlines from Terrorists? I was flying into Baltimore/Washington International Airport, from Minneapolis Airport with a connection at Atlanta Airport. I get my suitcase that was locked that I checked, not carried on was searched. And my carry-on bag with extra clothes (as a precaution, I’ve been stranded at airports before), and food for my diet, and my case with my wallet, and cassette player & tapes, books, hair stuff/brush, toothbrush & toothpaste, some OTC medicine, pens, ticket and boarding passes, and other stuff was searched. They had to take everything out of each bag, and go through, and then they just put the stuff back anyway. I had to re-pack, so everything would fit, and I like my stuff a certain way, twice. They said I was flagged to be searched in both Minneapolis and Atlanta. Now I was flying alone, one way, I did not pay for my ticket (it was provided by my Mother in Law, as a favor for driving/road trip with my Sister in Law (her daughter to Rochester, MN). They also searched my person, my coat and hat I was wearing with a Wand. I also had to take my high top hiking boots off and they were searched, I hope they liked the smell of my shoes. I guess they were secure in the fact that a Brunette, White Professional Woman, in her mid-thirties, traveling by herself, was not a terrorist or a threat. After getting searched in both airports and pissing me off, insinuating I would be a terrorist, after being searched, they probably did consider me a threat. I flew in December 2000, three months after 9/11 from Philadelphia to Decatur, IL, they X-rayed my bags/purse, which they do anyway and I was searched with the wand. I was very glad that the Amtrak didn’t search me/or my stuff, riding from BWI to Wilmington, DE. It was a good road trip, but the Airports didn’t help. ---
**Author:** ![racinchikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/135 "2002-12-16T05:38:02Z")
I haven’t flown since August '01, so I have no search stories (although when I DID fly last, I was wearing knee-high boots, which somehow set off the metal detector. How that works I don’t know). But they search on Greyhound buses too. At least they did last winter. They didn’t tell anybody until we were on the bus and almost to our destination, either. Then they sprung it on us over the loudspeaker that oh yes, we were going to be searched and any weapons were going to be confiscated. I hid my pocketknife down my pants. Which was, in retrospect, a dumb move. But I got off at the last stop before the searches anyway. ---
**Author:** ![AfterAugust](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AfterAugust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AfterAugust)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/136 "2002-12-16T07:23:31Z")
I’ve only flown twice since 9/11, and only had to deal with SLC and SeaTac…no problems at all. Then again…even though I am female, I’m a middle-set brunette who dresses for comfort. I guess this is when plain-ness works in one’s favor… ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/137 "2002-12-16T16:00:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Anthracite \* > \*\*My worst experiences have all been at Cincinnatti. To the point where I consciously route flights and connections around that airport, no matter how much it delays me, unless there is no other option. I have also had bad experiences at Phoenix - some of the worst gropings I’ve witnessed have been at Phoenix. \*\* IMPFO, you should have some sort of reflex action, something like knee to groin or fist to nose. I haven’t flown in a few years but if I see some crap like that someones gonna hear about it. Pricks. ---
**Author:** ![emarkp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3be4f8/32.png) [@emarkp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emarkp)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/138 "2002-12-16T23:29:13Z")
Obviously, you folks who keep having trouble are [wearing the wrong clothing](http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200212/df20021212.jpg). (Link is to online comic strip, and is not inappropriate for work.) I recently did a round trip from Sacramento to Baltimore, and my coworker had to empty his iced tea at the screening. They couldn’t x-ray it and refused to let him take it. :rolleyes: I guess they were worried he might have some fingernail clippers in it. ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/139 "2003-01-08T19:49:08Z")
Sorry to revive an oldish thread, but my husband just sent me [this story](http://pennandteller.com/sincity/penniphile/federalvip.html), and it fits so well here that I wanted to post it. (Summary: Penn of Penn & Teller was groped at the airport, and called the police to press assault charges). I hope he continues to pursue it, as I’d really like to see how it turns out. ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131/140 "2003-01-09T05:52:44Z")
Wow, he’s even cooler than on TV. Good thing it wasn’t Teller, or we’d have never heard about it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/apparently-i-am-a-terrorist-airplane-rant/142131.md?page=8)