# April R, we need to talk. Well no, I need to talk. To you. Because I'm fed up. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 31, 2015, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472 "2015-08-31T03:55:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/81 "2015-09-02T01:33:07Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > The way I see it, cutting off all contact would destroy the fantasy/close off the possibility of having sex with this guy, even if it’s not acted on. That’s the real motivation for maintaining contact. It’s got nothing to do with sparing his feelings. > > **April** , just be honest with yourself at least. Of course that’s part of it, I said I like the attention even though it will never be acted upon, but it’s not my main motivation. My main motivation is because I care about his feelings. I’m not a heartless wench. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/82 "2015-09-02T01:35:52Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I’ve amended my stance. > You’ve never done that??? Yes, i have. But it seems rather strange that a few years ago, you understood and argued against emotional betrayal, and now you completely deny that it is possible. You never did answer my question about whether a one night stand and and an ongoing love affair would hurt tii in the same way; i would like to clarify that in the ongoing affair, hubs had only physically cheated once. They are exactly the same to you? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/83 "2015-09-02T01:37:13Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > [Christ, it gets worse.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=15810316&postcount=86) And the indignant cries of “But what about the _chil-dren_?” are pretty stomach-turning. You quote something I said 3 yrs ago? Are you the same person you were 3 yrs ago? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/84 "2015-09-02T01:39:07Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > Yes, i have. But it seems rather strange that a few years ago, you understood and argued against emotional betrayal, and now you completely deny that it is possible. > > You never did answer my question about whether a one night stand and and an ongoing love affair would hurt tii in the same way; i would like to clarify that in the ongoing affair, hubs had only physically cheated once. > > They are exactly the same to you? Yes. They are both either offensive or not. If you feel infidelity is reprehensible, how can you qualify them by degree? ---
**Author:** ![Robert163](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/4af34b/32.png) [@Robert163](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robert163)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/85 "2015-09-02T01:41:34Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > Yes, i have. But it seems rather strange that a few years ago, you understood and argued against emotional betrayal, and now you completely deny that it is possible. > > You never did answer my question about whether a one night stand and and an ongoing love affair would hurt tii in the same way; i would like to clarify that in the ongoing affair, hubs had only physically cheated once. > > They are exactly the same to you? I find it strange that you want so badly to disagree with this person that you are referencing comments they made three years ago ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/86 "2015-09-02T01:44:06Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I’ve amended my stance. > You’ve never done that??? Was that before or after you started your Ashley Madison account? ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/87 "2015-09-02T01:44:29Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Yes. They are both either offensive or not. > If you feel infidelity is reprehensible, how can you qualify them by degree? So getting slapped and getting beaten so badly you are on life support are the same as well? Both are assault, so. … How about a paper cut vs a gun shot? You’re bleeding in both cases. Pain is about degrees. That’s why they have that scale of sadfaces in the doctors office. How bad is the pain? ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/88 "2015-09-02T01:49:10Z")
> [@Robert163](#): > > I find it strange that you want so badly to disagree with this person that you are referencing comments they made three years ago _shrug_ i don’t really WANT to disagree with her. This is a message board. We are discussing things. I find it strange you want to white knight her so badly that you are ignoring the rest of the conversation. If you’ll notice, my issue was that she didn’t answer my question from a few days ago. The comment from several years ago was merely a reference point. Nor did i bring it up. I was pinning the current situation to the past commentary. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/89 "2015-09-02T01:49:17Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Of course that’s part of it, I said I like the attention even though it will never be acted upon, but it’s not my main motivation. My main motivation is because I care about his feelings. I’m not a heartless wench. Did this guy not consciously and consistently interfere with your marriage by participating in the sexting escapades, the flirting, the agreement to visit with you at his home, etc.? Is he blameless? If you start (figuratively) fucking around with a married woman, you lose all expectation of a continuing friendship or any other kind of contact with her. You owe this man nothing, and again, the idea that you do, I believe, is simply a way to rationalise the continuation of a relationship which is harmful to your marriage. I’m not trying to be mean here, despite this being in the Pit. I just think you need to really think about these points if you care about your marriage at all. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/90 "2015-09-02T01:52:09Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > So getting slapped and getting beaten so badly you are on life support are the same as well? Both are assault, so. … > > How about a paper cut vs a gun shot? You’re bleeding in both cases. > > Pain is about degrees. That’s why they have that scale of sadfaces in the doctors office. How bad is the pain? So tell me how a one night stand is worse or ?better? than an “emotional” affair that was only physically consumated once. It doesn’t make sense. Either way his dick is navigating uncharted territory outside his marriage. You seriously think one is worse than the other? Does one absolve the cheater from personal responsibility? Is it an ethical difference? They are one in the same. So no, degrees of physical danage from an assault are not equivalent to percieved enotional damage from an affair. It’s a horrible analogy. ---
**Author:** ![Robert163](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/4af34b/32.png) [@Robert163](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robert163)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/91 "2015-09-02T01:52:19Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > _shrug_ i don’t really WANT to disagree with her. This is a message board. We are discussing things. I find it strange you want to white knight her so badly that you are ignoring the rest of the conversation. > > If you’ll notice, my issue was that she didn’t answer my question from a few days ago. The comment from several years ago was merely a reference point. Nor did i bring it up. I was pinning the current situation to the past commentary. actually, your points may very well be valid I just get tired of seeing people be so contrarian on the internet I am not necessarily saying you are the worst case of this ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/92 "2015-09-02T01:54:38Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > _shrug_ i don’t really WANT to disagree with her. This is a message board. We are discussing things. I find it strange you want to white knight her so badly that you are ignoring the rest of the conversation. > > If you’ll notice, my issue was that she didn’t answer my question from a few days ago. The comment from several years ago was merely a reference point. Nor did i bring it up. I was pinning the current situation to the past commentary. No body is white knighting. That’s such a freking dick move to pull on someone just because he happens to disagree with your tactics. Plus it’s sexist. You wouldn’t call him a white knight if I was a guy. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/93 "2015-09-02T01:58:29Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > Did this guy not consciously and consistently interfere with your marriage by participating in the sexting escapades, the flirting, the agreement to visit with you at his home, etc.? Is he blameless? If you start (figuratively) fucking around with a married woman, you lose all expectation of a continuing friendship or any other kind of contact with her. > > You owe this man nothing, and again, the idea that you do, I believe, is simply a way to rationalise the continuation of a relationship which is harmful to your marriage. > > I’m not trying to be mean here, despite this being in the Pit. I just think you need to really think about these points if you care about your marriage at all. I can’t blame him. I encouraged it. He pulled back and rescinded his offer of a visit and used the reason of not wanting to disrespect and interfere with my marriage. It’s why I don’t think it’s fair to punish him, he didn’t do anything wrong, plus he’s trying to take some moral high road even if it does hurt him. I assume guys do have feelings other than “I wanna fuck, eat, and sleep.” ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/94 "2015-09-02T02:01:16Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > Did this guy not consciously and consistently interfere with your marriage by participating in the sexting escapades, the flirting, the agreement to visit with you at his home, etc.? Is he blameless? If you start (figuratively) fucking around with a married woman, you lose all expectation of a continuing friendship or any other kind of contact with her. > > You owe this man nothing, and again, the idea that you do, I believe, is simply a way to rationalise the continuation of a relationship which is harmful to your marriage. > > I’m not trying to be mean here, despite this being in the Pit. I just think you need to really think about these points if you care about your marriage at all. This is what I was trying to tell her in the other thread. She is not sticking up for herself or her marriage. There is NO REASON to continue to be nice an be friends with this guy who is at this point just preying on her guilt. She’s her own worst enemy at this point. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/95 "2015-09-02T02:03:09Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > No body is white knighting. That’s such a freking dick move to pull on someone just because he happens to disagree with your tactics. Plus it’s sexist. You wouldn’t call him a white knight if I was a guy. Actually yes i would. I am a girl too. And i fully support the right of us wimmenfolk to suit up in some shiny amour and get to knightin’. And that applies to whatever gender is needlessly rising to the defense of whatever gender. The sheer fact that i was called out as being so mean and unfair and contrarian for pointing out that you didn’t answer me from a few days ago- well, that spurred an unkind remark from me. I apologize. ---
**Author:** ![leftfield6](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leftfield6/32/18780_2.png) [@leftfield6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leftfield6)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/96 "2015-09-02T02:08:24Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > Did this guy not consciously and consistently interfere with your marriage by participating in the sexting escapades, the flirting, the agreement to visit with you at his home, etc.? Is he blameless? If you start (figuratively) fucking around with a married woman, you lose all expectation of a continuing friendship or any other kind of contact with her. > > You owe this man nothing, and again, the idea that you do, I believe, is simply a way to rationalise the continuation of a relationship which is harmful to your marriage. > > I’m not trying to be mean here, despite this being in the Pit. I just think you need to really think about these points if you care about your marriage at all. This, and so much this. April, you say you want to preserve the feeling of the other guy, but I’ve been where your husband is, believe me, if he knew everything that you’ve done, he is NOT REALLY okay. Either he is too weak to challenge you on it, which is not healthy, or he is fine with it on some weird level, which, not to be judgey and all, is not healthy. When I learned of her flirting online shenanigans, she said she would quit cold turkey. But she was addicted, just like I think you are. The attention from other men fed into her lifelong insecurities. She didn’t stop, and now I have visitation rights for our dog Lucy very other week As a man who respects himself too much, I said “I ain’t got time for that” and am moving on. You are too concerned with the feelings of the wrong person and not concerned enough about the emotions of the one you should care about. ---
**Author:** ![leftfield6](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leftfield6/32/18780_2.png) [@leftfield6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leftfield6)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/97 "2015-09-02T02:11:27Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I assume guys do have feelings other than “I wanna fuck, eat, and sleep.” When said guy is sexting with a married woman, this is not a safe assumption to make. No matter what you did to lead him on, he is no angel. A man with principles steps back from this situation before it crosses a line. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/98 "2015-09-02T02:11:54Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > You quote something I said 3 yrs ago? > Are you the same person you were 3 yrs ago? Pretty much, yeah. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/99 "2015-09-02T02:15:11Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I can’t blame him. I encouraged it. He pulled back and rescinded his offer of a visit and used the reason of not wanting to disrespect and interfere with my marriage. It’s why I don’t think it’s fair to punish him, he didn’t do anything wrong, plus he’s trying to take some moral high road even if it does hurt him. I assume guys do have feelings other than “I wanna fuck, eat, and sleep.” I guess drunk texting you at 3 a.m. when you requested no more contact fits into this narrative of him respecting your boundaries? Here’s my take: He played the upstanding moral citizen while simultaneously leaving it all open enough for you to eventually come to him. He knew that if he actively pursued you, he’d possibly scare you away, so instead he was the perfect gentleman, knowing that eventually things would happen “by themselves”. You were both active participants in conspiring to commit adultery, but you had to be allowed the room to believe there was no conspiracy in order for that to come about. When you indicated that his playing the “nice guy” card had (temporarily) failed, he texted you in order to get things back on track. And you’re willing going along with this whole charade. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2015, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472/100 "2015-09-02T02:15:16Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > So tell me how a one night stand is worse or ?better? than an “emotional” affair that was only physically consumated once. > It doesn’t make sense. Either way his dick is navigating uncharted territory outside his marriage. You seriously think one is worse than the other? Does one absolve the cheater from personal responsibility? Is it an ethical difference? They are one in the same. So no, degrees of physical danage from an assault are not equivalent to percieved enotional damage from an affair. It’s a horrible analogy. My husband’s heart is more valuable to me than his dick. If I have his heart, then - well, I won’t be HAPPY about not having the exclusive use of his dick but yeah, I see them as being different degrees. Emotional betrayal hurts more than physical betrayal. Neither of them are fun, but I can see the difference between the two types of pain. I have experienced both. I would rather he fuck up once in a moment of weakness than to know he has supplanted me in his heart. They both suck hard, though, I will grant you that. > [@Robert163](#): > > actually, your points may very well be valid > I just get tired of seeing people be so contrarian on the internet > I am not \*\*necessarily \*\*saying you are the worst case of this Emphasis added. I may not be \*\*necessarily \*\*the worst case you’ve seen? Thank you for that. Again, I tethered her previous stance to her current one. And asked her to answer a previously – recently-- ignored question. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/april-r-we-need-to-talk-well-no-i-need-to-talk-to-you-because-im-fed-up/729472.md?page=6)