# Archie Comics - The Eternal Question **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 22, 2001, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872 "2001-10-22T15:51:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2001, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/41 "2001-10-29T16:34:30Z")
Archie marries Betty and they settle down in a nice three-bedroom, two bath Colonial in the suburbs of Riverdale. Every morning Archie gets up, takes a shower, shaves, and as he’s looking at himself in the mirror, thinks, “Archie, my boy, you’ve done good.” Sure the job selling insurance is a bit of a drag, but there’s a few perks - golf with the guys a couple afternoons a week, the occasional trip to the big city for a convention. Every morning its breakfast with Betty, with the morning newspaper and a peck on the cheek as he’s out the door. Everyday its the same. Sure Betty’s swell and all. She’s crazy about him. They plan to have two kids - a girl and a boy. Just as soon as his promotion comes through. Yeah, it’ll be tight for a while. Betty will have to stop being a substitute teacher and stay at home. They even may have to put off a few things 'til after the kids are grown, but it’ll work out. Everyday its the same. Everyday he has to stop that niggling little voice in the back of his head saying “You fucking idiot! You picked the wrong one! You could have had Veronica. You’d be rich - you’d be in the high cotton! And the sex - God man, the sex! Betty gives it to you, what? Once a week…twice if she’s had a a little of that cheap wine? And she just lays there - like a lump. Veronica would never lay there. She’d be on you like white on rice. Those vibrant red lips, running up and down - your fingers in that shimmering black hair. Yeah, you’d give it to the bitc…Wait, you’re happily married. And Betty’s a swell girl…” Lately he’s been staring out the window at work while the vision plays out in his head. That same office - those same windows. The same woman waiting at home for him…in the suburbs…with a pot roast in the oven…and maybe the game on TV tonight…And he’ll go up to bed and she’ll be in her cotton nightgown, already asleep. And he’ll look at her and hate her. Hate her for his decision. And it’ll fester inside him. And he’ll go downstairs and pour himself a good slug of scotch and it’ll burn going down. It’ll burn like the bile in his throat that surges up everytime he thinks about what he threw away. All because he picked her…he picked Betty. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2001, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/42 "2001-10-29T16:50:59Z")
{seductive subsconscious voice} [sub]The steak knives are right there in the drawer, Archiekins…go on…take one…she won’t even feel it, she’s knocked herself out again on Darvons… ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2001, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/43 "2001-10-29T17:05:46Z")
But why wouldn’t Betty be asleep? After all, she’s spent all afternoon at the Riverdale Motel 6 in bed with Moose. “That loser, Archie,” she thinks. “Why, for the love of God, didn’t I listen. ‘Betty,’ her mother had said, ‘Take some time. See some of the world. Get out of Riverdale for a bit. Don’t end up like me. Don’t waste your life on a man that you know you can never really love. Don’t do something just because everyone says you should.’” But did she listen? No. She jumped at the chance to be Mrs. Archie Andrews. And what has it gotten her? A listless, uneventful life in a backwards town where she’s stifled and smothering. She’s trapped - with her life stretching out before her into a black, neverending, mind-numbing sameness. Archie’ll come upstairs in a bit. After the game goes off. He’ll have had a drink, even though he thinks she can’t tell. He’ll paw at her and rut against her with that pathetic excuse of a body of his. She’ll have to bite her tongue to stop from laughing in his face…to stop from telling him that he’s a lousy lover. Or maybe she’ll close her eyes and think back to the afternoon with Moose. Those shoulders - as broad as a door and just as hard. And the way he takes her…that’s what she wants. But does Archie know any of that? No…he’s a weak, spineless, sap who’ll never amount to shit. God, how she loathes him. And when he leaves for work in the morning she’ll watch the clock…counting down the minuts until noon. And then she’ll go the the cupboard and get a wine glass and, well, maybe just a little glass…It won’t hurt anything. And she’ll drink a little too much, and get a little woozy. And she’ll sit on the couch while Oprah, or Rosie, or Montel, or someone yammers on and on and on. And the tears will come hard and fast and burning her cheeks. All because of his decision. All because he picked her ---
**Author:** ![jonfromdenver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/82dd89/32.png) [@jonfromdenver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jonfromdenver)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2001, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/44 "2001-10-29T17:41:56Z")
this should all be settled the true American way–have a big orgy so they can fuck anyone and everyone they want. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ModernRonin2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@ModernRonin2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ModernRonin2)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2001, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/45 "2001-10-29T18:02:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cisco \* > \*\*It’s true. Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That’s why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat. He was the king of queen Archie’s world. > > [sub](courtesy of Hooper X)[/sub] \*\* Damn, you beat me to it! 😃 Well, I can at least keep the thread going: He has a point. Archie never did settle on Betty or Veronica… -Ben ---
**Author:** ![Hamish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Hamish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamish)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/46 "2001-10-30T02:36:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cisco \* > \*\*It’s true. Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That’s why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat. He was the king of queen Archie’s world. > [sub](courtesy of Hooper X)[/sub] \*\* I don’t know. **matt\_mcl** and I have been discussing it, and, FWIW, we’re pretty sure Jughead’s too femme. 😃 Maybe he’d wind up with Moose :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/47 "2001-10-30T03:34:20Z")
> [@](#): > > **Hamish:** …we’re pretty sure Jughead’s too femme. Not to mention lazy. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@The\_Mick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mick)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/48 "2001-10-30T04:11:35Z")
were that but true, Plnnr. I look quite a bit like Moose, but I have more intelligence, and all the girls around here seem to go for skinny Mexicans. They don’t see much in a big white guy. And for that matter, I always hated Midge. She’d always be flirting back with Reggie. Poor Moose, he probably really loved Midge, and the bitch keeps trying to cheat on him, but she won’t because she knows how Moose’s temper gets. He might go crazy and take her out too. Poor Moose, I can relate. ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/49 "2001-10-30T17:24:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > **And as for the Love Showdown issues…** Aha! Thanks, **jarbaby**. I see Cheryl from time to time in the current issues; keeping Archie away from heris one of the few Archie-related things Betty and Ronnie agree on. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![Fiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e274bd/32.png) [@Fiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiver)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/50 "2001-10-30T18:52:19Z")
Looks like 14 to 4 in favor of Betty. I declare the matter settled. Really, think about past discussions we’ve had along these lines: Bailey Quarters vs. Jennifer Marlowe: Bailey wins. Mary Ann vs. Ginger: Mary Ann wins. Around this crowd at least, Bailey, Mary Ann and Betty will always come on top. Just like in that song by James. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/51 "2001-10-30T18:57:35Z")
Oh…look at me, I’m Fiver, I get to declare matters SETTLED. Fine. Y’all say Betty wins. And that’s exactly what “Sensitive New Age Guys” are supposed to say. But deep down in your cold, male heart of hearts (of which I have one), you know Veronica is sexier. Ask yourself this: which one is more likely to pierce her clit? The answer is Veronica. jar ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/52 "2001-10-30T19:05:31Z")
Betty may win, but neither she nor Archie is very happy about it. Sort of Archie Comics meets American Beauty to my way of thinking. ---
**Author:** ![Fiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e274bd/32.png) [@Fiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiver)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/53 "2001-10-30T19:14:36Z")
First, **jarbabyj** , ask yourself this: how many men want women with pierced clits? If it’s any more than a vanishingly small minority, I’ll eat you out. Your wanting Veronica to be the winner does not make it so. No, us men are not saying Betty because we’ve been indoctrinated that she’s the right answer by the New Age PC battalions. We’ve been saying Betty (and Mary Ann, and Bailey) for close to forty years, since long before the New Age emasculated us (them that are emasculated, that is). It’s time for you to move on, sweetie. You can do no more in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/54 "2001-10-30T19:21:07Z")
very well, I concede. I’m off to become a tomboy. jar ---
**Author:** ![jmonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dbc845/32.png) [@jmonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmonster)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/55 "2001-10-30T20:01:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > very well, I concede. > > I’m off to become a tomboy. > > jar Dear, you’re already Betty. You just need to stop wanting to be Veronica. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/56 "2001-10-30T20:05:29Z")
Great. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/57 "2001-10-30T21:31:04Z")
Granted Archie is often superficial, ungrateful (when Betty wears herself to a frazzle doing something for Archie, but he goes ahead and makes a date with Veronica anyway–the ungrateful cretin!); but–I’m adding another angle: the girls’ _parents_. Ever notice Mrs. Lodge? She doesn’t appear much; in the older comics she was plump (as Archie’s mom Mary Andrews used to be), and in the later ones she is unbelieveably skinny. In either case, if Archie has any common sense he’ll realize that’s what Ronnie will look like in about 20 to 25 years! Betty Cooper’s mother is a different matter. Although the mother of a teenage girl, Mrs. Cooper is quite shapely and pretty–although her Dad is pudgy and balding. Betty’s Mom obviously was as much of a knockout as a teenager as Betty is now. If Archie analyzes this point he’ll drop Veronica like a hot potato–which she deserves, being as fickle, insensitive, and selfish as she is. (I once read that “selfish and inconsiderate” was the number one complaint, in a poll, that husbands and wives had about each other.) ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/58 "2001-10-31T05:18:57Z")
**Fiver** ’s point has me wondering… Of those who picked Veronica, how many prefer Ginger? Likewise, of those who prefer Betty, how many prefer Mary Ann? I rather suspect a strong corellation. Mary Ann and Betty are both sincerely hot. Ginger and Veronica just _think_ they’re hot, because that’s what all their hired fans have been telling them for years. Oh, and as for Archie? Betty’s too good for him. If he can’t make up his mind, I’d be only too happy to make it up for him. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/59 "2001-10-31T07:40:17Z")
What we know:[ul][li]Archie is driven by libido, and [will never settle on _either_ Betty or Veronica.](http://www.mudd.dhs.org/archieshowdown.jpg)[/li][li]His promiscuity makes Betty a [little anxious,](http://www.mudd.dhs.org/archiebetty.jpg)[/li][li]but she’s stoic about it because she likes to [play the field herself](http://www.mudd.dhs.org/archiesgirls.jpg).[/li][li]Jughead, on the other hand, is [bitterly envious,](http://www.mudd.dhs.org/archie49.jpg) and [pleads with Archie](http://www.mudd.dhs.org/archie59.jpg) to settle down with him.[/li][li]Archie’s libertine ways constitute a very real [threat to the public health](http://www.mudd.dhs.org/archiecrabs.jpg) of Riverdale.[/li][li]While Jughead [gripes about Archie’s affairs](http://www.mudd.dhs.org/archieoil.jpg),[/li][li]Veronica secretly pines for him, but he [isn’t interested all](http://www.mudd.dhs.org/archiejugheadver.jpg).[/li][Reggie and Moose](http://www.mudd.dhs.org/archie_reggiemoose.jpg) stopped debating the Betty Vs. Veronica question long ago.[/ul] ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872/60 "2001-10-31T14:48:37Z")
Larry…I love you. I’ve never found someone who loves Archie as much as I do. Shall we run away together? jar [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/archie-comics-the-eternal-question/88872.md?page=4)