# Are animals US citizens?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643
**Category:** Factual Questions
**Created:** [December 11, 2008, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643 "2008-12-11T00:33:42Z")
**Posts on this page:** 17
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/21 "2008-12-11T01:49:41Z")
@ Kozmik: Shamu for President!
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### Author:  [@seodoa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seodoa)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/22 "2008-12-11T01:53:13Z")
> [@Kozmik](#):
>
> Then technically animals can become US President.
Only those with a lifespan of at least 35 years, of course.
Or would we adjust to dog years for Fido?
I for one welcome our new testudine masters.
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### Author:  [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/23 "2008-12-11T01:55:22Z")
Well, the animal president would have to take the swearing in, which non-speaking animals can’t do. Maybe a sign-language gorilla… Koko for prez!
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### Author:  [@seodoa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seodoa)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/24 "2008-12-11T02:07:01Z")
> [@Babale](#):
>
> Well, the animal president would have to take the swearing in, which non-speaking animals can’t do. Maybe a sign-language gorilla… Koko for prez!
Koko is inexperienced!
[Morla the Ancient One](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_The_Neverending_Story#Minor_characters) in 2012! 😃
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### Author:  [@The\_Man\_In\_Black](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Man_In_Black)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/25 "2008-12-11T02:14:38Z")
> [@Babale](#):
>
> Well, the animal president would have to take the swearing in, which non-speaking animals can’t do. Maybe a sign-language gorilla… Koko for prez!
If we ever have a mute human elected president, I doubt he would be removed for not being able to speak the oath. So that isn’t even a question.
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### Author:  [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/26 "2008-12-11T02:27:57Z")
Nobody would own animals either. You could also get a court order for the police to kick pest animals off your land for trespass. You could have them arrested for criminal property damage and such. Think of all the indecent exposure cases, and all those registered sex offender animals out there.
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### Author:  [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/27 "2008-12-11T02:29:42Z")
> [@JRDelirious](#):
>
> On (1), pre-14th amendment citizenship was defined by statute plus the precedents in Common Law (remind her there is such a thing), and I’d be pretty comfrotable wagering on that animals have NEVER been considered natural persons.
I am not sure that they were considered “persons” per se, but in medieval times animals were sometimes made to stand trial for crimes and even executed (sometimes by hanging).
From [here:](http://http://www.libraryindex.com/pages/2149/History-Human-Animal-Interaction-MEDIEVAL-PERIOD.html)
> [@](#):
>
> The Prosecution of Animals
> One of the most bizarre human-animal trends of all recorded history took place in Europe during the Middle Ages. This was the formal prosecution of animals accused of committing crimes against people. Animals charged with such crimes (usually murder) were brought to court, appointed a lawyer, and tried, just as a person would be. Records show that hundreds of animals were found guilty and then executed by hanging.
…
> [@](#):
>
> The article reviewed books on the subject by several authors, focusing on one written by E. P. Evans in 1906. Evans described 191 animal trials, mostly from the fifteenth through the seventeenth centuries. Most of the trials took place in France, Italy, and Germany. There are also a few historical records of trials in other European countries and in the United States, Canada, and Brazil. Animals were tried for a variety of offenses besides murder, mostly fraud and theft. Records show that many were tortured for confessions (just as humans were) prior to the trial. It is not clear how animal confessions were interpreted, considering that animals cannot speak human languages.
>
> Criminal proceedings against animals were handled with the utmost seriousness by medieval legal authorities. Animals that harmed humans were considered servants of the devil because they had violated God’s directive in the Bible that humans should have dominion over animals. A particular Bible verse, Exodus 21:28, was often cited as the grounds for executing an animal convicted of murder: “If an ox gore a man or a woman that they die, then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten.” The penalties for offenses less serious than murder matched those given to humans for the same types of crimes.
> [@](#):
>
> The vast majority of criminal defendants were pigs, probably because farmers allowed them to roam free much of the time. In 1386 a pig accused of murdering an infant was tried and convicted by a court in Falaise, France. The pig was hanged at the gallows by the village hangman. Her six piglets were charged with being accessories to the crime but were acquitted “on account of their youth and their mother’s bad example.”
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### Author:  [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/28 "2008-12-11T02:36:26Z")
> [@Harmonious\_Discord](#):
>
> Nobody would own animals either. You could also get a court order for the police to kick pest animals off your land for trespass. You could have them arrested for criminal property damage and such. Think of all the indecent exposure cases, and all those registered sex offender animals out there.
Didn’t Nero make his horse a senator?
I have just realized that I have three shamefully naked cats standing at my window, exposing themselves to the neighbors. One is actually licking his nipples.
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### Author:  [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/29 "2008-12-11T02:37:06Z")
Somebody noted that if life begins at conception, and given that the 14th amendment states that citizens are persons born or naturalized in the US, and that no green cards have been issued to fetuses, then all fetuses in the US are undocumented aliens!
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### Author:  [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/30 "2008-12-11T02:44:43Z")
> [@Zsofia](#):
>
> Didn’t Nero make his horse a senator?
That was Caligula.
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### Author:  [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/31 "2008-12-11T03:16:13Z")
> [@Babale](#):
>
> Koko for prez!
Unless Koko’s middle name is Hussein. That could be a problem.
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### Author:  [@Hypnagogic\_Jerk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypnagogic_Jerk)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/32 "2008-12-11T04:37:00Z")
> [@Colibri](#):
>
> That was Caligula.
And it was apparently a joke on Caligula’s part. [The Master Speaks](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2102/was-the-roman-emperor-caligula-as-crazy-as-they-say).
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### Author:  [@Randy\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randy_Seltzer)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/33 "2008-12-11T05:20:29Z")
There are two main methods for gaining citizenship. Through birth or through naturalization. Let’s start with the easy one:
**NATURALIZATION** :
INA § 316(a) lists the requirements for naturalization. The animal must live within the US for five years prior to applying. This is certainly doable for many critters, but might be troublesome for mayflies. Second, the animal must not leave the US during the application period. Third, the animal must be a “person of good moral character.” Now setting aside the “person” problem, we still have the issue of whether the animal has good moral character. “Good moral character” is defined by exception in INA §101(f): you can’t be a “habitual drunkard” (§101(f)(1)), a bookmaker (§101(f)(4)), a perjurer (§101(f)(6)), or a Nazi (§101(f)(9)). Considering that it is a rare animal that drinks, gambles, lies on the stand, or invades Czechoslovakia, I think we’re good on that count.
The second set of requirements for naturalization is codified in INA § 312, which specifies that the candidate must demonstrate “an understanding of the English language” (§312(a)(1)) and “a knowledge and understanding of the fundamentals of the history […] of the United States.” (§312(a)(2). Now don’t fret, because there’s a waiver of both the literacy requirement and the civics test requirement in §312(b)(1) for people with “mental impairment.” I think being an animal is exactly the type of impairment the legislators mean here.
So it looks like we can naturalize our animals as long as we can get them in for five years on a valid immigrant visa. The two major types of immigrant visas are family (§203(a)), and employment (§203(b)). Since most animals do not have citizen family members (and it is the rare citizen who will agree to marry an animal), we should probably focus on employment visas. Here you’ll run into trouble because before you can issue a 2nd or 3rd preference employment visa (the only two types applicable here), you’ll need to get labor certification from the Department of Labor, including an assurance that this worker won’t drive down wages. Since most animals, if they work, will work for feed, you’ll have to do some fancy talking with the DOL guys.
**BIRTH** :
What about animals that are born overseas, you ask? Well, if one of the parents is an American citizen (Boston terrier?) and the other is not (Irish Setter?), then the American parent must have lived in the US for five years, at least two of which were after the age of 14 (§301(g)). This is going to be a pretty severe limit on most species.
For animals born here, however, American immigration law is quite famous for §301(a): automatic citizenship for “a person born in the United States” (even if your mother wasn’t allowed to be here in the first place). But that leaves us with the pesky “person” language. What does that mean? Well, according to INA § 101(b)(3), the term “person” means “an individual or an organization” but only with respect to the immigration Title, not the citizenship title, so not much help there.
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### Author:  [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/34 "2008-12-11T05:40:41Z")
Well, you CAN get naturalization in:
1, 2, 3: All good.
As for understanding english: A sign-languge chimp understands english. A dog understands some english (sit, roll over). And as for working… I can always pay my goat 8 dollars an hour, then use the money as feed.
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### Author:  [@seodoa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seodoa)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/35 "2008-12-11T05:59:29Z")
> [@Randy\_Seltzer](#):
>
> Considering that it is a rare animal that drinks, gambles, lies on the stand, or **invades Czechoslovakia** , I think we’re good on that count.
So does that mean the [coypu/nutria](http://www.invasivespecies.net/database/species/ecology.asp?si=99&fr=1&sts=sss) has no hope of becoming a naturalized citizen?
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### Author:  [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 9:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/36 "2008-12-11T09:39:15Z")
> [@The\_Man\_In\_Black](#):
>
> If we ever have a mute human elected president, I doubt he would be removed for not being able to speak the oath. So that isn’t even a question.
Yes please! We need more mute politicians.
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### Author:  [@ebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ebb)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2008, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-animals-us-citizens/476643/37 "2008-12-11T20:49:36Z")
> [@sailor](#):
>
> So what do you get if you cross an American citizen with a chimpanzee?
I don’t know what _you_ get, but _I_ get asked (rather rudely, I might add) to never return to that particular zoo.
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