# Are my dating criteria unreasonable? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 4, 2003, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882 "2003-03-04T00:07:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![darksight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3da27b/32.png) [@darksight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/darksight)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/141 "2003-03-09T08:35:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rubystreak \* > \*\*So I’ve been wondering if this idea I have in my head of who I’d like to date is unreasonable. My ex, who is now a friend, says I’m too picky; I don’t think so, but there’s nothing like an anonymous group of cyberstrangers to let me know if I am. > > NOTE: I tried to stick to concretes, and not get into “has a great sense of humor” or “is a good person” or “is a sensitive, loving guy” b/c those are pretty subjective things and tough to quantify unless you know the person. > > I’ve narrowed my taste and my type and my preferences down, and here they are: > > –Straight male, white or Latino > –Between 25-40 > –Over 6’, under 200# (flexible by a few inches/pounds, but I like 'em lanky) > –Dark hair (generally, but not always) of no particular style, but I wouldn’t want to date a guy who spends more time on his hair than I spend on mine. I can deal with anything from a crewcut to long hair as long as it’s clean and not too styled up. > –Must have a good, strong chin and nose > –Must like cats (does not need to have any) > –Must be single (not dating someone else, preferably no kids, not hung up on some ex) > –Should make over $30,000/year, but this is somewhat negotiable. I just don’t want to have to pay for everything. > –Non-smoker, social drinker only > –Pretty liberal (ie, not homophobic, racist, jingoistic, sexist, a big Dubya fan, etc.) > –Has a college degree; or, at least is very much smart enough to hold his own in serious, intelligent discussions about books, film, politics, and life in general > –Practices good hygiene and at least appears to have all his teeth > –Is timely (shows up when he says he will, calls when he says he will, remembers birthdays and national holidays) > –Won’t give me a hard time about being a vegetarian (it’d be nice if he were one, but I’m not going to push my luck) > > Are any of these criteria unreasonable? Am I too picky? Is there anything I’ve left out that I should be thinking about? Keep in mind that this list covers only the tangibles, leaving the emotional niceties aside. \*\* Jeeeeeeeesus ~ Whats a poor boy to do ? :smack: ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/142 "2003-03-09T09:02:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Angelofthemist68 \* > \*\*Being that Iam close to 5ft9 Its a bit odd to be with a shorter male,that is why I have a height criteria. Godspeed,Monica \*\* Ah, but again, imagine if someone said that about a fat woman. “I’m lean and trim, and so it would be a bit odd for me to be with a woman who’s a little overweight.” Remember the threads we’ve had, complaining about men not wanting to date fat women? ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/143 "2003-03-09T10:26:15Z")
It’s OK to not want to date anyone, for any reason. It’s _NOT_ OK to be a mean bitch or mean prick about it. Or to just be mean and nasty in any way. As a “fat chick” (I prefer that term 😉 ) I realize that I won’t be _everyone’s_ dream date, and I’m fine with that. Not every man on earth is my dream date, so we’re all even. What I find totally unacceptable is when people treat the fat (or the short, or the weak-chinned) like they are subhumans who don’t have real feelings. Shit, I don’t want anyone _telling_ me why they don’t want to date me. Just don’t ask me out. Sheesh, it’s so simple. However, some reasons for not wanting to date certain people _are_ superficial. And I think many of us need to relax a little, and give more people a chance. But damn—we’re not _obligated_ to! But I think (IMO) if we want to be considered decent people, we are _obligated_ to always be gracious, and polite. To have some compassion for other people’s feelings. OK, so maybe we’re not _obligated_, but if we want to be considered decent people, we’d damned well better behave graciously. The thing that gets me (getting on a slight tangent here) is that some people want to spout off about their “preferences” (whether it be short people, fat people, whatever) in a completely _non_-gracious way, but yet they still want to be considered “nice” people. It doesn’t work that way. You can’t behave like a shithead and yet expect that people won’t be calling you a shithead. Sorry, end of tangent. ---
**Author:** ![Sappho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sappho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sappho)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/144 "2003-03-09T10:50:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by yosemitebabe \* > \*\*I have to step in and defend Rubystreak about not dating black men (or men with a certain physical characteristic): > > She’s entitled to be as picky as she wants. (I’m sure no one will dispute this.) And who knows—she may amaze herself and discover herself in love with a weak-chinned black man someday—you never know! > > There are a lot of external reasons to not want to date a certain race. (Ruby brings up her bigoted family. It’s a good enough reason, IMO.) Sometimes it’s just not worth the grief. And it isn’t as if Ruby is the Last Woman on Earth, and she’s got an _obligation_ to give the black guys a crack at her. There are plenty of other women who will be very pleased to date black men! > > My sister’s husband is black. He’s a great guy. She chose her husband well. But would I want to follow in her footsteps? I am not sure. She’s had to deal with some grief. Maybe I don’t want to deal with that too. (I haven’t decided.) But whatever choice I make, it’s _MY_ choice. It’s nothing to do with bigotry, sometimes it’s just pragmatism. \*\* I agree entirely! I’ve had first hand experience of how tricky mixed-race relationships can be & wouldn’t ever say that everyone had to give them a try. Rubystreak - again, I didn’t say that I found your not wanting to date black men offensive. I just asked you why because I wanted to know whether it was a physical or a cultural thing. Well, you asked whether your dating criteria were unreasonable… And, I’d have to say that they are. Everyone has physical preferences, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to say that they must be adhered to at all times. Physical attraction is more than just someone being a compound of features, it’s about how someone kisses, how someone touches you, and ultimately also how someone feels about you. On the whole, I much prefer men with brown eyes because I think they’re warmer and more expressive but my current boyfriend has blue eyes and I’ve just had to learn to see the warmth and the expression in them. Appearance and personality aren’t that separate really in that how someone expresses their personality through their appearance is kinda crucial. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/145 "2003-03-09T15:33:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Angelofthemist68 \* > \*\*Being that Iam close to 5ft9 Its a bit odd to be with a shorter male,that is why I have a height criteria. Godspeed,Monica \*\* My mother is 5’9" and my dad was 5’5". Being short myself, I prefer short guys, but I wouldn’t exclude anybody based on height alone. If you find it a bit odd, okay, but I bet you’re excluding some really nice guys who are overlooked by women who all have a height requirement. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/146 "2003-03-09T18:28:51Z")
Sappho: Only SOME of my criteria have to be adhered to at all times. I think I made that clear. You seem to want to believe I’m unreasonable, for reasons I cannot fathom. That’s fine too. I think I AM a little unreasonable, but I know that on certain issues, I’ve compromised and it hasn’t turned out too well. But thanks for your input. ---
**Author:** ![Sappho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sappho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sappho)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/147 "2003-03-09T19:50:15Z")
No, I actually didn’t think you were unreasonable to begin with because I assumed that your criteria were just guidelines. As an exercise, I think it’s very healthy to do what you did and work out what exactly you want. What I now think is a little unreasonable is that you seem to hold characterstics like chins to be absolutely vital for your future happiness. ---
**Author:** ![Angelofthemist68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Angelofthemist68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angelofthemist68)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/148 "2003-03-09T21:22:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JThunder \* > \*\*Ah, but again, imagine if someone said that about a fat woman. > > “I’m lean and trim, and so it would be a bit odd for me to be with a woman who’s a little overweight.” Remember the threads we’ve had, complaining about men not wanting to date fat women? \*\* “They say worse things than that about not wanting to be with an overweight woman.” Iam overweight and it makes no difference to me if someone wants to be with me or not because I don’t fit their criteria. Its a preference,I prefer what I prefer and men who only date thin women as opposed to heavier women is also a preference. If someone is lean and trim,it would be odd for them to be with someone overweight,just as it would be odd for me to be with someone 5ft2. Godspeed,Monica ---
**Author:** ![Angelofthemist68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Angelofthemist68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angelofthemist68)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/149 "2003-03-09T21:29:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by whiterabbit \* > \*\*My mother is 5’9" and my dad was 5’5". Being short myself, I prefer short guys, but I wouldn’t exclude anybody based on height alone. If you find it a bit odd, okay, but I bet you’re excluding some really nice guys who are overlooked by women who all have a height requirement. \*\* I have dated shorter men,my husband(Widowed) was only 5ft9. I prefer taller men and if I have missed some really nice guy because I excluded him with my height criteria,oh well. I’ll find a nice guy with all my criterias. Iam only 35,Iam not worried about it. I won’t settle for less than what I have included in My description and I don’t expect anyone else to settle for me If Iam not exactly what they want,either. Godspeed,Monica ---
**Author:** ![malkavia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malkavia/32/5621_2.png) [@malkavia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malkavia)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/150 "2003-03-09T22:36:01Z")
> [@](#): > > If someone is lean and trim,it would be odd for them to be with someone overweight,just as it would be odd for me to be with someone 5ft2. In my experience, I don’t find this to be true at all. I’m a bigger girl, and I generally date lanky men because I find the sex to be alot… easier. I dated someone quite a bit larger than myself once and sex was incredibly inconvenient. Ruby, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable… so long as you’re willing to give here and there as is necessary, which you totally seem to be capable of doing. I used to have a pretty extensive list, but now it looks something like this… Male Preferably a bit effeminate (Not a concious thing, but I notice my lust-o-meter seems to jump pretty guy when a boy has a big of swag in his wag) I used to really like tall men, but the boy I’m currently dating is almost exactly my height (5’7") and thusy shorter than I am when I’m wearing my platforms. Doesnt matter, he looks good from that angle. 😉 Must enjoy being an omnivore. This is a dealbreaker. I like meat. I don’t want to feel weird about eating a mostly raw steak in front of someone that I’m in love with. Must smoke. Also a dealbreaker. It’s really not enough to just be tolerant of my smoking… I want someone that I can light up with after really good sex. I like a guy who will lay the ashtray on his tummy and light me up a smoke from his pack. Must appreciate music. Doesn’t have to be my kind of music… in fact, I truly appreciate someone with different tastes. Must not be easily offended. I can’t feel like I’m on eggshells all of the time. Everything else is negotiable. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want. Just continue to re-evaluate your list… removing things as they become somewhat arbitrary requirements. ---
**Author:** ![malkavia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malkavia/32/5621_2.png) [@malkavia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malkavia)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2003, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/151 "2003-03-09T23:05:43Z")
> [@](#): > > Preferably a bit effeminate (Not a concious thing, but I notice my lust-o-meter seems to jump pretty _guy_ when a boy has a big of swag in his wag) High. Seems to jump pretty HIGH. Though jumping pretty guys is okay too, I s’pose. _wicked_ ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2003, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/152 "2003-03-10T00:01:34Z")
Sappho: The chin thing has been blown WAY out of proportion here. Weak chins turn me off. Double chins turn me off. People with regular chins are fine. If that’s absurd to you, well, I can live with that. ---
**Author:** ![Angelofthemist68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Angelofthemist68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angelofthemist68)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2003, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882/153 "2003-03-10T00:53:25Z")
I have been a widow for almost 4 years,I had been in that relationship for 10 years,I have requirements that I stand by. I have changed My list several times since then. I’am now at a time in My life where My convictions and choices are firm regarding what is necessary for me to keep me happy in a relationship.If Iam unhappy with a decision I made regarding who I chose,I can not give 100% to the person Iam with,so thats not fair to him either. If I don’t find what it is Iam personally looking for,Iam quite capable of being single and holding out until I do find the person I want. My requirements may not work for others,but they definately work for me. Godspeed,Monica [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-my-dating-criteria-unreasonable/158882.md?page=7)