# Are people afraid to say "died" or "dead" when talking about the deceased? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 8, 2023, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479 "2023-02-08T12:28:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/21 "2023-02-08T15:22:08Z")
I don’t know if it’s always or even necessarily a deliberate attempt to camouflage what happened, but sometimes saying something like “Did you hear, so and so passed away?” seems to hit with less of a conversational “thud” than “Did you hear so and so died?”. I was actually in that situation yesterday- I had heard that a former co-worker had died, and was relaying that information to other co-workers, and I chose “passed away” because it seemed less blunt or something. ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/22 "2023-02-08T15:26:57Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > For example many cultures have a use-word for the animal we call the bear, which isn’t the ‘real’ name, but means ‘the brown one’ or something like. Because naming something brings it closer. There’s an XKCD for that. > **[The True Name of the Bear](https://xkcd.com/2381/)** > > Thank you to Gretchen McCulloch for fielding this question, and sorry that as a result the world's foremost internet linguist has been devoured by the brown one. She will be missed. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/23 "2023-02-08T15:35:26Z")
> [@Frosted\_Glass](#): > > Broadly speaking I would expect a funeral to be religious, a memorial to probably be secular, and a homegoing to be Black. The only expectation I would have is that a “homegoing” will involve a certain type of Black Christian.\* Aside from that, I’ve seen “funerals” that are not particularly religious , “memorials” that are religious and essentially a funeral without the body and “memorials” that take place long after a funeral such as on an anniversary or a yearly memorial for all the deceased members of a group and a “celebration of life” may be anything from a service of some sort similar to a memorial/funeral/homegoing or a party that takes place after a service. \* I’ve never known Black Roman Catholics to refer to it as a 'Homegoing" ---
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Tan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/charlie_tan/32/12582_2.png) [@Charlie\_Tan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Tan)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/24 "2023-02-08T15:39:13Z")
Tangent: It seems as if this all about people we know, well or casually, and maybe people we don’t know but are still in our monkey sphere: e.g. co-worker’s sister. But do people really say _11 000 people have so far passed away in Turkey and Syria due to the earthquake_. And the other euphemisms would be even weirder _Around 50 000 American soldiers faced homegoing during the Vietnam war_, And then there’s the lighter/ irreverent euphemisms - e.g. kick the bucket - and when those are appropriate. We even have our own tradition here and it’s obviously not called _Celebrity Passed Away Pool_. I wonder what the posters who dislike that poll would say if it was called _Celebrities Bucket Kicking Pool_? ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/25 "2023-02-08T15:48:54Z")
Certainly not. The Bible, written in Hebrew, uses plenty of euphemisms for death (although it certainly says “died” plenty as well). “Laid with his ancestors” and “Gathered to his nation” are two that come to mind off-hand. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/26 "2023-02-08T16:10:04Z")
My dad died last week and was buried yesterday. For the most part, when telling people, when I typed it out I did say he passed. It seemed kind of crass to say it over text to some people, and saying “dad died” instead of “passed” made it more crass. The first phone calls I made, I said “dad died” and then as I went down the line to people I am less close with, it changed to “I wanted to let you know my dad passed [so I won’t be coming to work…]”. I think in some situations you just go with what feels more proper for the situation or the relationship between the speaker and the audience. I’m sure news editors are constantly weighing what words to use in the situation. Style Guides are one thing but situations, audiences and presenters change over time. I do notice that sometimes I find it weird when a factual report says that people passed instead of died or even perished. Like someone corrected themselves too far the wrong way. ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/27 "2023-02-08T16:28:06Z")
> [@DorkVader](#): > > But yeah, some people are uncomfortable with the fact of death, the notion of their own mortality. Incidentally, ever look at a sundial and notice the happy comforting messages like “ULTIMA FORSAN”, “MORTUUS EST QUI ME FECIT”, “MORS VENIT, HORA FUGIT”, “MEMENTO MORI”? ---
**Author:** ![Frosted\_Glass](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frosted_glass/32/3926_2.png) [@Frosted\_Glass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frosted_Glass)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/28 "2023-02-08T16:32:29Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > In some Christian faiths, a funeral denotes a religious service with a casket present, while a memorial service is just as religious but no casket. Thanks for this! I was struggling to describe the differences but the presence or absence of a casket lines up perfectly with my experience with religious memorial services. > [@Ulfreida](#): > > In modern usage, I find that secular memorials tend to be called “celebrations of life”. Which to me is kind of gaggy but I try not to judge (usually fail though). If I go to something called a “celebration of life” then I’m going to be very disappointed if it’s all stale hymns and dry homilies. I’m expecting lively music, food, and stories about the dead. > [@doreen](#): > > - I’ve never known Black Roman Catholics to refer to it as a 'Homegoing" Very good point. I should’ve specified Black Protestants. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/29 "2023-02-08T16:38:36Z")
> [@bump](#): > > sometimes saying something like “Did you hear, so and so passed away?” seems to hit with less of a conversational “thud” than “Did you hear so and so died?”. I always get strange looks when I use “dirt nap”. ---
**Author:** ![Akaj](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akaj/32/145_2.png) [@Akaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Akaj)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/30 "2023-02-08T16:48:00Z")
I can’t believe we’re almost 30 posts in and no one has shared this. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/vZw35VUBdzo/hqdefault.jpg "Monty Python Dead Parrot") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZw35VUBdzo) ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/31 "2023-02-08T17:00:18Z")
Thank you for the dead parrot sketch, @Akaj ! It’s been going through my head since I opened the thread. My inclination is to say “died,” but ever since I had a co-worker who told me it shocked and upset her when people used the word, I tend to go with a euphemism with people whose preference I don’t know. Although if I’m referring to the death of one of my own loved ones, especially to someone who isn’t also grieving for them, I generally use the actual word. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/32 "2023-02-08T17:40:38Z")
To me, those words can feel less personal. They’re the same words we use when talking about statistics or non-human entities. I only became comfortable using it about people I care about later on, after some level of grieving. Euphemisms add some level of distancing from the regular word. But, in this case, they also seem to me to add some emotion about the situation. They’re the terms you use when breaking the news to someone who really cared about the person in question. So, while sometimes reports will used “died,” sometimes they go for a more personal vibe and use a euphemism. The word dead gets used in these articles only with the official, dry reporting–e.g. “pronounced dead.” ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/33 "2023-02-08T17:40:46Z")
Stories about the deceased. I was greiving and it hadn’t occured to me, but I could have told some good stories about my son, who was a talented prank caller. ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/34 "2023-02-08T17:50:28Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I always get strange looks when I use “dirt nap”. Did they take him out of the house feet first, with a toe tag? ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/35 "2023-02-08T18:06:31Z")
To give context, i don’t believe in an afterlife. I think we die dead, so to speak. > [@kanicbird](#): > > For my own belief death is a choice that one could make at the end of their life, but usually not the only one and thus it is possible not to die, but transition before the moment of death and not experience it. > > So while I’m not afraid to say the word die, or even my own mortality, I just don’t take it as an accurate word, and in some ways going into death (i.e. saying someone died) sort of equates that one chose to go to hell and is there now, which is something we don’t know. > [@LSLGuy](#): > > or those of an Xian bent, the body eventually dies. But the only part that matters, the soul, lives on. So for people of that belief system, saying “Jane died” is factually wrong (within their version of “facts”) since it implies her soul died. Which in that belief system simply isn’t possible. These are both strange ideas to me. If there is an afterlife, i think if it as something that happens after you die. I usually say that sometime has died, unless i am afraid that will shock the person I’m talking to. But maybe i should be more circumspect about using the word. > [@Frosted\_Glass](#): > > > [@Ulfreida](#): > > > > In modern usage, I find that secular memorials tend to be called “celebrations of life”. Which to me is kind of gaggy but I try not to judge (usually fail though). > > If I go to something called a “celebration of life” then I’m going to be very disappointed if it’s all stale hymns and dry homilies. I’m expecting lively music, food, and stories about the dead. The only “celebrations of life” I’ve been to have been explicitly Christian. They did include food and stories about the dead, but also were in churches and had Christian content. The secular ones I’ve gone to (and the Jewish ones) have all been called memorial services. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/36 "2023-02-08T18:07:37Z")
> [@Eric1](#): > > I’ve told my family they can handle my ashes like that and say 'he died ‘cause he never went to a doctor. My cousin’s ashes (at his request) were put in a box that neatly fit into a Crown Royal bag. The were then placed in a hole at his cemetery of choice. The man did love his whiskey. > [@kayaker](#): > > I always get strange looks when I use “dirt nap”. I often use “faceplant”. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/37 "2023-02-08T18:10:59Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > The only “celebrations of life” I’ve been to have been explicitly Christian. They did include food and stories about the dead, but also were in churches and had Christian content. The secular ones I’ve gone to (and the Jewish ones) have all been called memorial services. The whole celebrations of life thing is seeping into Christianity too, I see. “Memorial” covers all the bases though. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/38 "2023-02-08T18:19:01Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > The only “celebrations of life” I’ve been to have been explicitly Christian. They did include food and stories about the dead, but also were in churches and had Christian content. The secular ones I’ve gone to (and the Jewish ones) have all been called memorial services. We had an event for my mother after she died. I think we called it a memorial amongst ourselves during the planning. The venue put up a sign directing people to the right room. The sign called it a Celebration of Life. I don’t think they get that idea from us. It was as secular as you can be. ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/39 "2023-02-08T18:24:54Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > My dad died last week and was buried yesterday. For the most part, when telling people, when I typed it out I did say he passed. It seemed kind of crass to say it over text to some people, and saying “dad died” instead of “passed” made it more crass. The first phone calls I made, I said “dad died” and then as I went down the line to people I am less close with, it changed to “I wanted to let you know my dad passed [so I won’t be coming to work…]”. My condolences. And pretty much exactly. I don’t really mind “dead” or “died” myself, but as bump said it can sometimes land with a thud. I’ve been dealing with this lately myself and I find I have been repeatedly defaulting to “passed” or “passed away” with very little conscious thought. It’s what the doctors and nurses at the hospital used and I find myself really only going with “died” with closer friends or family, people I feel comfortable with. Acquaintances and strangers are getting the euphemism because it seems less…forward? Or something. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2023, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479/40 "2023-02-08T18:34:52Z")
Back when I worked at hospice, patients were said to have “expired”. I always thought, what are they, a magazine subscription? * * * * * * Norm: I’m gonna visit the sandbox. Frasier: Why a grown man feels the need to euphemize is beyond me. Woody: Well, he did drink that beer awfully fast, Mr. Crane. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-people-afraid-to-say-died-or-dead-when-talking-about-the-deceased/979479.md?page=3)