Thanks for all of the replies. They essentially confirm what I had gathered to be the case.
It’s been my experience that single fathers are one of the great neglected demographics in American society.
As I have had occasion to mention, I’m involved in music and theater. Because my daughter is witty, charming, and knows how to conduct herself in a group of adults, she has become something of a mascot in my limited social circle. I can’t count the number of occasions that I have overheard some genteel patron (usually matron) of the arts asking her why her mommy wasn’t at x or y event. When Kizarvexilla replies that her mommy lives in Denver, the questioner typically betrays a look of offended sensibilities and glances at me as if I’m some long suffering saint.
While I know that no offense is meant toward me, this reaction has gotten very old.
My dad was a single dad with full custody for my sister (I was grown at the time). I can’t say that, in my adult life, I’ve known any single dads with full custody, but I’ve know a number with partial custody.
I don’t think it’s unusual, though; I just don’t get out much.
I think real single dads are fairly unusual, but I’ve heard plenty of guys apply the title to themselves in some misguided attempt at martyrdom or something.
Fr’instance: A 30-something coworker who’s divorced, who moved back home with his parents so he can afford the lifestyle he wants and gets visitation every other weekend. His parents actually look after the kids when it’s Daddy weekend, making sure they’re fed and clothed and bathed and accounted for, Dad maybe puts in 5-6 hours of facetime with them each visit.
Yet I’ve heard him describe himself as a single dad numerous times. I nailed him on it once, asking him to name his kids teachers or friends or favorite colors or which one’s liked what condiments on their sandwiches, and of course he didn’t know, but argued that since he’s a father and not married he’s a “single dad” regardless.
He’s not the only one I’ve heard say that, so I tend to ask questions if someone is introduced that way, just because I think it’s unfair to those actually doing the day to day parenting to refer to any random guy that way.
The few men I’ve known that have retained custody have all remarried or moved in with parents or a significant other within a few months. So do a lot of single moms, of course, but if you have other adults living in your household, you’re not really a single parent either. Sure, maybe the childcare is totally your responsibility, but if you’re getting help with the bills and general running of the household, it’s not really like being single either.
I have a roommate whose two kids are in the father’s full custody and they live in another state. My niece’s father has sole custody of her. My sister dropped her off at his house and never came back.
You’re right, of course, I never really stopped to think about it that way. I’m not quite that rude in person at least, I just ask general questions like “Oh, how old are they? Boy or girl? Got any pictures, my how cute!” etc and usually the circumstances come out in the conversation.
I have read, in some self-help book or another and I can’t remember which one it was, that the opposite-sex parent is actually FAR more important to a child than the parent of their own gender. So much so that a single mother with daughters whose ex is absent really needs to find another family member to forge a close relationship with her girls.
By that logic, and obviously by your own description, your daughter has precisely the parent she needs.
In re: your ex’s shortcomings, I found it interesting that you qualified her lack of participation in her daughter’s life in great detail. Either you’re accustomed to answering the question, or you yourself find it strange. It is unusual – but, hey, so are a lot of things.
In re: portrayal of single fathers, back when there used to be sitcoms women were often heard to complain that single fathers got plenty of airtime while single mothers were ignored almost completely. Let’s see, there was The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, My Three Sons, The Andy Griffith Show, Family Affair, Different Strokes, Full House, Bonanza and My Two Dads. Who’s the Boss had one of each. Single moms would be The Partridge Family, One Day at a Time, Kate and Allie and Alice. Hmmm, doesn’t look like the ladies were ignored, although they are underrepresented.
I don’t know any single dads either (that aren’t widowers) but I know plenty unwed mothers. Most of them are my cousins, whose parents disowned me and my mom because I was illegitimate. Funny, I’m the only one who never got pregnant.
