# Are you a MEAN parent? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 14, 2003, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-a-mean-parent/148438 "2003-01-14T02:18:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![montana\_cricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@montana\_cricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/montana_cricket)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-a-mean-parent/148438/41 "2003-01-16T19:12:14Z")
> [@](#): > > Parents out there-- any tips on disciplining a child who is too young for time outs, etc? My son is just over one year old and does some naughty stuff like hitting when he’s upset (ie wants to grab something he can’t have and I don’t let him). Saying “No honey, you can’t have that” in a gentle yet firm voice never works. Neither does saying “No, dont’ do that!” In a less gentle voice. Giving him something else to play with doesn’t always work. Usually doesn’t, in fact. > Any advice for the first time parents? I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old, wildly different in temperment and my extroverted wild thing of a 4 year old used to do that. While we HAVE spanked (ie., 1-3 swats with hand–not like the wooden spoon or razor strop spankings that I used to get!) for dangerous offenses, we try to use alternative methods. For the problem you mention, I would face the toddler away from me, hold both hands firmly in mine and say “No, you may not have that, it’s MINE (or whoevers).” They don’t like their hands held like that and they need to get the idea that it won’t be tolerated. The biggest key here is to do it EVERY TIME! Don’t let up even if gramma and grampa are there and think you’re awful and that you’re mean etc. They’ll appreciate it when the child visits them and leaves their stuff alone. Good luck! Consistency is KEY! 😉😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cessandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cessandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cessandra)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-a-mean-parent/148438/42 "2003-01-16T20:44:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by krisolov \* > \*\*My daughter on the other hand is the drama queen from hell. She’s lost almost all her room furnishings and privileges for her poor academic performance last quarter. We changed schools for her and are having her evaluated for learning disabilities, but the revoking of privileges seems to have had little efffect. She flies off the handle about even minor things, and is incredibly rude and offensive when she gets upset. Which is a daily occurance. Threatens to run away, etc… . I never had a sister, but is this behavior normal? I have no idea how to react to this stuff. Oh, and she has been seeing a counselor for the past 6 months. Hasn’t made a damn bit if difference that we’ve seen. \*\* That doesn’t sound like normal behaviour at ALL. If revoking privileges doesn’t work, you need to switch tracks. For one thing, how are you reacting to her temper tantrums? My four (nearly five) year old daughter has tantrums kind of like that (but she’s four!) and we send her to her room the moment she starts. We have set specific rules on how she is allowed to react when upset – crying is fine, but no screaming. No stomping or rolling eyes. She may say that she is upset, and even why, but she may not argue or whine or yell. She may pout, but only so long as it doesn’t keep her from doing something that we have told her to do. (Obviously, these rules are relaxed if she is physically hurt.) If she violates these rules, she is sent to bed immediately. It took MONTHS but now the second I say “Do you want to go to bed?” she stops her fit. Also, I would speak to your daughter’s therapist about when he expects to see some improvement. 6 months sounds like a very long time to not see any difference at all. Maybe you should get a second opinion? ---
**Author:** ![krisolov](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/krisolov/32/3724_2.png) [@krisolov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/krisolov)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-a-mean-parent/148438/43 "2003-01-17T02:14:32Z")
well, I am pretty sure some of this is adolescent hormones kicking in and some is either ADD or an anxiety problem. The rest, well, I don’t know. Generally I have a pretty even keel, but sometimes my buttons can be pushed. I’m ready to change therapists that’s for sure. Her assessment from the public school folks (who frankly we’re somewhat impressed with) is due at the end of the month. We have a tutor lined up who normally teaches G&T folks instead of paying for a counselor. We’ll see how it goes. Not sure what else to do. Barbed wire outside her door seems a bit extreme. ---
**Author:** ![phlebert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phlebert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phlebert)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-a-mean-parent/148438/44 "2003-01-17T04:24:44Z")
By all definitions here, I am an unreasonable tyrant. Good manners, respect, truth, honesty… all high on my list of acceptable behaviors. The little phlebert (2.5 yrs) and little phlebette (5 yrs) are both angels. Well except they are complete smartasses! Don’t know where they got it from:smack: Anyway, I am fairly strict and I am not afraid to yell (only once in a while, or it is no longer effective) or spank (1 swat on the tush for doing a bad thing and nothing else gets their attention, 2 for something fairly dangerous, 3 for running into rush hour traffic or a reaching for a boiling pan… never _real_ hard though) once in a while. Also, they _hate_ being sent to their rooms! Time out works on my girl, but not the boy. He is like an ox. Tough little bugger… He climbs, pulls, grabs, runs, and generally works my nerves when he wants to. He is too strong for spanking to be at all effective much longer. Lifted his head the _instant_ he was born… Probably flip me like a pancake when he is 16… gotta take up some kinda ass-whoop-fu martial art:dubious: On the other hand, when they are not acting up, I go out of my way to be fun and open, willing to talk about anything and give them the ‘straight dope’ so to speak. I also tend to think it is more important to reward good behavior than to punish bad! But consistent punishment is important too, so that just means I try to be a waaaay fun and cool dad as much as possible [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-a-mean-parent/148438.md?page=2)