# Are you comfortable with gay people using the terms "my husband" or "my wife"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 9, 2019, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778 "2019-07-09T15:58:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Treppenwitz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treppenwitz/32/3445_2.png) [@Treppenwitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treppenwitz)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2019, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/41 "2019-07-09T20:42:25Z")
> [@Sangahyando](#): > > …For myself – same, essentially, as **BrotherCadfael** and **Shodan** and others – I’m old, and unused-to: a momentary double-take, then, “OK”. I have no intellectual or moral objections; and people’s usage in this area, does me no harm of any kind. I was wondering which post to +1. I think this “compilation” is the perfect one. j ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2019, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/42 "2019-07-09T20:52:35Z")
It’s a little jarring, because I’m of the generation that used to say things like, “Between the job, the kids, the house, and my husband, I just can’t fill everyone’s needs…what I need is a wife.” (Professional women said this.) If you think about it it’s kind of a put-down, the wife being the one who takes care of everything home-based and everybody in the home. Kind of an unpaid servant. What the wives of our male colleagues did. But yeah, what else should they call them? ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2019, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/43 "2019-07-09T20:58:16Z")
I’m temporarily confused by it but have nothing against it. I’d be a _lot_ more confused if someone refers to their spouse as “&q” like in the poll question! ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2019, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/44 "2019-07-09T21:03:38Z")
> [@Dallas\_Jones](#): > > I like it much better than “partner.” > > I was in a bar talking to a guy I hadn’t met before. Another guy comes in and sits down next to us and the first guy introduces him as his partner Bob. Ok, a couple gay guys, no problem with that. > > The talking turns to the subject of home remodeling, which I am doing a little while on vacation. Turns out the first guy I was talking to is a general building contractor doing some work in the area. Bob is his _business_ partner. > > Ok, a couple of non-gay guys. Reminds me of two men I was working with on a construction project. There was an age difference that appeared to be about 10- 15 years. They ran a general construction business together. I worked with them for some time and it was apparent through our conversations that they lived together. I thought they were a couple and I didn’t really question it. Then one day the younger one said something along the lines of “Sometimes I wonder what my Mom sees in him”. THAT was when I did the mental double take. Turns out the older guy was the young guy’s stepfather and they all lived in the same home. I might have figured it out if the age difference had been greater but I guess Mom liked younger guys) ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2019, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/45 "2019-07-09T21:31:26Z")
Well, heavens, of course. I do have a preference that straight marrieds use “spouse” and gay marrieds use “husband” or “wife” because I think there’s too much gendering going on already, but also think normalizing SSM is a goal worth gendering for. We all have a lot of catching up to do. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2019, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/46 "2019-07-09T22:57:51Z")
Yeah, I’m ok with it. So is my husband. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2019, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/47 "2019-07-09T23:19:06Z")
In my relatively short time living and working in San Francisco (about 6 years), I’ve become so used to this that the genderfication of the terms barely even registers anymore. Any person I encounter of any gender may mention their husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or spouse or whatever term they may choose, and I’m totally unfazed no matter what. In years past, I may have done a quick mental double-take, but that doesn’t mean I have a problem with using the terms or have ever been in any way “squicked out.” On the contrary, I think it’s great! ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/48 "2019-07-10T00:20:21Z")
Nobody I know uses the terms “husband” or “wife” very often. I would think those terms slightly unusual in a hetro-normative couple. Nothing wrong with it, but those aren’t words commonly used. If a gay couple used those terms, I would immediately think that they were using the words in a kind of Orwellian thought control manipulation of their partner or audience, trying to force the partner or friends to see some kind of weird archaic dominate/submissive relationship. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/49 "2019-07-10T01:17:25Z")
I think it’s fine. If you’re a man married to a man you have a husband, simple as that. But I am still not used to hearing it and am still recalibrating. But it’s certainly “okay”! ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/50 "2019-07-10T01:30:55Z")
A lot less confusing than, say, a man referring to his male partner as “my wife”. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/51 "2019-07-10T04:26:56Z")
I haven’t heard enough gay people refer to their spouse as husband or wife yet, so it still sounds weird to me and makes me uncomfortable. But I recognize that’s my problem, not theirs, so I do my best to try not to react negatively in the rare cases when it does pop up. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/52 "2019-07-10T04:44:39Z")
Well, it’s been 14 years now in Canada since it became legal. So, I’m rather used to it and perfectly fine with it. If anything I feel a touch of pride. ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/53 "2019-07-10T04:51:57Z")
It seems perfectly natural to me, that someone who is married to a man would refer to them as “my husband”, and someone who is married to a woman would refer to them as “my wife”. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/54 "2019-07-10T04:56:32Z")
“OK with it” sounds like I can survive it through a moderate amount of effort. I’m not OK with people using the correct words, I expect it. > [@Emergency911](#): > > He said that he still likes the “ring of it” as well as watching other people’s often humorous reactions. As a side note, they are still in their newlywed stage One of the markers of the honeymoon phase seems to be precisely that IME (I haven’t run an actual sociological study): people do like being able to say words which reflect this new, fresh, upgraded status. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/55 "2019-07-10T05:08:19Z")
> [@Suburban\_Plankton](#): > > It seems perfectly natural to me, that someone who is married to a man would refer to them as “my husband”, and someone who is married to a woman would refer to them as “my wife”. Why the use of “them?” We already know the genders involved; it’s not a mystery. Clearly this should be: "Someone who is married to a man would refer to **him** as “my husband”, and someone who is married to a woman would refer to **her** as “my wife”. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/56 "2019-07-10T05:20:37Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Why the use of “them?” We already know the genders involved; it’s not a mystery. This looks to me possibly like a perfect example of [what I recently described as a “sort-of-indefinite” form of gender-neutral singular “they”](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21730681&postcount=15) now gaining currency in English. That is, sometimes even if you know the male or female gender of a particular individual, you refer to the individual as “they/them” anyway, instead of “he/him” or “she/her”, to emphasize their anonymity or genericness or not being of interest as a specific individual in this context. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/57 "2019-07-10T05:30:06Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > This looks to me possibly like a perfect example of [what I recently described as a “sort-of-indefinite” form of gender-neutral singular “they”](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21730681&postcount=15) now gaining currency in English. > > That is, sometimes even if you know the male or female gender of a particular individual, you refer to the individual as “they/them” anyway, instead of “he/him” or “she/her”, to emphasize their anonymity or genericness or not being of interest as a specific individual in this context. OK, but in this case it’s all about gender. That’s the whole point of the conversation! [/Hijack] ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/58 "2019-07-10T05:54:27Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > OK, but in this case it’s all about gender. That’s the whole point of the conversation! Sure, but specifying “married to a man” or “married to a woman” definitively establishes the spouse’s gender, while referring to each spouse separately as “they”, even though their individual genders are clearly determined, emphasizes the universality and non-particularity of their situation. Can’t guarantee that that’s what **Suburban Plankton** meant by it, of course, but that’s the sort of delicate shade of meaning that subtly “incorrect” usages often convey. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/59 "2019-07-10T07:46:14Z")
> [@Melbourne](#): > > Nobody I know uses the terms “husband” or “wife” very often. I would think those terms slightly unusual in a hetro-normative couple. Nothing wrong with it, but those aren’t words commonly used. If a gay couple used those terms, I would immediately think that they were using the words in a kind of Orwellian thought control manipulation of their partner or audience, trying to force the partner or friends to see some kind of weird archaic dominate/submissive relationship. Well, that’s an… interesting take. I can understand preferring first names if you know the couple, but if you’ve never met someone’s wife/husband, using the term at least indicates who you’re talking about, rather than some random ‘Jane’. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/60 "2019-07-10T07:49:46Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Sure, but specifying “married to a man” or “married to a woman” definitively establishes the spouse’s gender, while referring to each spouse separately as “they”, even though their individual genders are clearly determined, emphasizes the universality and non-particularity of their situation. That’s the way I pass it - use of ‘they’ didn’t jar with me at all, seems like an obvious word to use when you’re referring to generic rather than specific individuals. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778.md?page=4)