# Are you comfortable with gay people using the terms "my husband" or "my wife"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 9, 2019, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778 "2019-07-09T15:58:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 10:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/61 "2019-07-10T10:09:22Z")
About 25 years ago I was rehearsing for a play and one of the lead actors talked about his husband, and that was quite jarring, it sounded so weird to my ears to hear that from a man. They weren’t officially married, of course, this was 1995 or so, but whatever, it was something I thought about how that made sense really, and why wouldn’t he use it, there isn’t anything more accurate. Partner is still what I hear most often, and even significant other, but that’s non-gender specific and non-orientation specific, it doesn’t tell me anything. Maybe they don’t want to sahre, maybe there’s nothing to share, maybe it’s just easier to not invite questions. Who knows? Lots of social change has happened recently, and is still happening, and we all need to get used to it so it becomes the new normal. It’s well on its way, and I welcome it. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/62 "2019-07-10T13:46:37Z")
I’m struggling to think of what the alternative would be. What the hell else do you say? ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/63 "2019-07-10T14:25:22Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > Well, that’s an… interesting take. > > I can understand preferring first names if you know the couple, but if you’ve never met someone’s wife/husband, using the term at least indicates who you’re talking about, rather than some random ‘Jane’. Yeah, I don’t get it, either. I mean, I somewhat think I understand what **Melbourne** is about (it used to irritate me a bit when one of my friends used to refer to his girlfriend as “his girlfriend” all the time, even though we personally knew her and met her many times–_you can call her Jill, we know who she is!_), but the most usual use of the term of “husband” and “wife” is, indeed, in the case you mentioned: when you don’t know the husband or wife. Just like I might refer to “my brother” or “my sister” instead of using names when discussing them with people who don’t know them. There’s nothing “Orwellian” or “thought control” about that. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/64 "2019-07-10T14:55:53Z")
I can’t imagine why this would be a problem. True, it’s relatively novel and it might cause some neurons to flutter to adjust to the new usage at first but you get used to it. E.g., **Mrs. FtG** is very friendly with a lesbian couple. When I hear one refer to the other as their wife no neuron fluttering at all anymore. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/65 "2019-07-10T15:10:09Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > A lot less confusing than, say, a man referring to his male partner as “my wife”. But I don’t mind that one either. I do know a couple SSCs who do that sort of descriptive/description and it never bothered me. Whatever feels right to you should at the least be something I can accept. ---
**Author:** ![carrps](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carrps/32/2957_2.png) [@carrps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrps)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/66 "2019-07-10T15:59:19Z")
It seems when I’m watching UK TV shows that couples call each other their ‘partner’ more often than not. I find that confusing because to me partner means they’re in a couple but not legally married. But then you find out sometimes that they _are_ actually married. So, is it just a non-gender-specific term or does it convey some other meaning? ---
**Author:** ![Doubticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e56c9b/32.png) [@Doubticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doubticus)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/67 "2019-07-10T22:29:29Z")
I think it is fine. However, people pronouncing Missouri as “miss-er-RAH” really gets under my skin. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/68 "2019-07-10T22:40:20Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > My first instinct was to say “I don’t feel anything, it’s no different than a man mentioning his wife or a woman mentioning her husband.” > > But actually that’s not quite true. I do feel something - I feel like doing a little happy dance, because I’m so glad that SSM is finally possible. This. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/69 "2019-07-10T22:41:46Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > I was with a lesbian couple at their swap meet booth a few years back, and when April introduced Janice as her wife to a woman browsing the wares the woman responded “You can’t really be married, you know”. > April responded, “I am so sorry if I offended you. I meant to say this is Janice, my fuckmate”. This made my day. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2019, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/70 "2019-07-10T22:43:58Z")
> [@carrps](#): > > It seems when I’m watching UK TV shows that couples call each other their ‘partner’ more often than not. I find that confusing because to me partner means they’re in a couple but not legally married. To me a “partner” is someone you are in business with. So I find that usage jarring and confusing. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/71 "2019-07-11T01:38:57Z")
It seems perfectly normal and fine to me. The only time I find it jarring or confusing is if I didn’t realize the person was gay. It was equally jarring recently when someone I didn’t realize straight started talking about his wife. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/72 "2019-07-11T02:08:53Z")
I got over this decades ago. In the 1990s I was on the side of “everything but marriage.” Sure, same sex couples should have the same rights, but let’s call it something else—domestic partnership, why not. But eventually I decided why not let everyone have what they want to have? It’s not hurting me. By the time I became a full supporter for same sex marriage, the idea of a man having a husband and a woman having a wife went along with it. Now when I hear it, what it reminds me is “hey, it’s really legal now. The good guys won one.” And it’s given people on same sex relationships a way to “come out” in a way that’s very ordinary. Sometimes I have no idea what someone’s orientation is. It’s not something that I ordinarily think about regarding someone who I don’t know on a personal level. So it can be a way of letting someone know—this is the thing about me. It can be a revealing of someone’s personal life but at the same time be completely ordinary. Straight people always have been able to mention “my wife” or “my husband” and now people in same sex relationships have the right just to be ordinary. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/73 "2019-07-11T02:35:54Z")
I’m much happier with it than when gay couples used the term “partner.” Business partner, romantic partner, music and lyrics partner? That was confusing. ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/74 "2019-07-11T02:37:19Z")
I’m in the camp of “what you do in your bedroom is your own business” more so than “ok with it” (although that’s how I voted). I would never go to a gay pride parade nor a “straight” pride parade for that matter. One’s sexuality is strictly a private matter, imho. ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/75 "2019-07-11T04:15:16Z")
It took me about fifteen minutes to get used to it. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/76 "2019-07-11T10:31:52Z")
> [@Mallard](#): > > I’m in the camp of “what you do in your bedroom is your own business” more so than “ok with it” (although that’s how I voted). I would never go to a gay pride parade nor a “straight” pride parade for that matter. One’s sexuality is strictly a private matter, imho. Is it really? Funny, I seem to pick up a lot of information about people’s sexuality in even the most formal contexts. It’s very common for someone to mention a spouse or significant other , or keep a photo or two of em on ēs desk be accompanied by em at business functions. I tend to know when someone gets pregnant or had a spouse who’s pregnant. That’s how I know that the vast majority of people I work with are heterosexual. Now people who aren’t heterosexual are starting to get the freedom to drop mentions like this on a way that incidentally reveals their sexual orientations. The workplace isn’t shielded from information that reveals something about people’s sex lives. In fact it would be a burden to try to shield it. That’s a burden non-straight people have been living with for a long time. Now I’m hoping it opens I even more and people who are say bisexual or nonmonogamous or whatever can also be freer abut yhemselves. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/77 "2019-07-11T11:02:03Z")
> [@carrps](#): > > It seems when I’m watching UK TV shows that couples call each other their ‘partner’ more often than not. I find that confusing because to me partner means they’re in a couple but not legally married. But then you find out sometimes that they _are_ actually married. So, is it just a non-gender-specific term or does it convey some other meaning? Partner is a common term used by non-married but frequently cohabitating couples (not always, many still use girlfriend/boyfriend, there’s no rule about it). You may find a married couple using ‘partner’, but I’d say it was pretty rare. For the professional scenario, IME people qualify it by using ‘my business partner’. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/78 "2019-07-11T11:04:05Z")
> [@Mallard](#): > > I’m in the camp of “what you do in your bedroom is your own business” more so than “ok with it” (although that’s how I voted). I would never go to a gay pride parade nor a “straight” pride parade for that matter. One’s sexuality is strictly a private matter, imho. We’re not talking about sex. We’re talking about relationships. The most significant aspect of most people’s lives. Should I keep that a secret, ya think? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/79 "2019-07-11T14:36:19Z")
When will people get used to the idea that being gay is NOT all about sex. The rah-rahs have told me that “Being gay is not able love. It’s all about lust.” BULLSHIT! If you think that two people of the same sex cannot have the same relationship as two people of the opposite sex I don’t want to know you. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2019, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/80 "2019-07-11T14:46:17Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > When will people get used to the idea that being gay is NOT all about sex. The rah-rahs have told me that “Being gay is not able love. It’s all about lust.” BULLSHIT! Being gay OR being straight is very much about sex. That is literally how those words are defined. A gay person has sexual desire for people of the same sex, and a straight person has sexual desire for people of the opposite sex. Your relationship includes a lot more than sex, but when we talk about the difference between gay and straight people, that’s about sex. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778.md?page=5)