# Are you comfortable with gay people using the terms "my husband" or "my wife"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 9, 2019, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778 "2019-07-09T15:58:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2019, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/141 "2019-07-16T15:47:20Z")
Another vote for “not quite over the novelty of it, but otherwise fine”. > [@Dahnlor](#): > > I have to confess to being one of the less-than-10% to choose “squicks me out a little,” though that’s probably overstating it. It’s probably more like how **Shodan** puts it, where there’s a moment of “ohhhhh” and then being totally OK with it. I think I’m more confused when someone uses the word “partner” when referring to a heterosexual relationship. > I believe “spouse” is a perfectly fine word. Granted, while its gender-neutrality may avoid the flash of cognitive dissonance that “husband” or “wife” may cause, it would probably make me wonder why they didn’t say “husband” or “wife”. The spouse and I use, well, “spouse” more often than we used “husband” and “wife”. I don’t know why - we just prefer it. > [@puzzlegal](#): > > I described this thread at dinner, and our house guest mentioned a cartoon she saw. There’s a fork and knife sitting next to two chopsticks. And the knife asks the chopsticks, “so, which of you is the fork?” Excellent. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2019, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/142 "2019-07-16T20:55:44Z")
Curious. Do you find male couples using husband-husband more common than females calling each other wife-wife? ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2019, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/143 "2019-07-16T21:39:50Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Curious. > > Do you find male couples using husband-husband more common than females calling each other wife-wife? I know more gay men than lesbians, so in my personal experience, yes. I doubt that generalizes. All the married lesbians I know refer to their partners as, “my wife” (or by name, of course.) ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2019, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/144 "2019-07-17T07:38:52Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Curious. > > Do you find male couples using husband-husband more common than females calling each other wife-wife? Why is this curious, and why would men use ‘husband’ more than women use ‘wife’? I’m a gay woman, I know very many gay women. NONE use husband (or boyfriend) to refer to their other half. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2019, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/145 "2019-07-17T10:17:43Z")
I _think_ he meant, “I’m curious.” Not, “oh, that’s curious” as in “how weird!” ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2019, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/146 "2019-07-18T14:06:57Z")
I assume without evidence that married gay men refer to each other as “husband” and gay women as “wife”. If a gay woman referred to her spouse as “husband” I would assume she was heterosexual, and likewise for a gay man. Once I knew better it would be somewhat more disorienting to hear, but whatever. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2019, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/147 "2019-07-18T14:48:47Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Curious. > > Do you find male couples using husband-husband more common than females calling each other wife-wife? > [@SanVito](#): > > Why is this curious, and why would men use ‘husband’ more than women use ‘wife’? > > I’m a gay woman, I know very many gay women. NONE use husband (or boyfriend) to refer to their other half. > [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > I _think_ he meant, “I’m curious.” Not, “oh, that’s curious” as in “how weird!” It was clearly just a passing thought he wanted to mention, not something to discuss in detail. In other words, he’s drive-by-curious. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2019, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/148 "2019-07-18T21:41:48Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > Why is this curious, and why would men use ‘husband’ more than women use ‘wife’? > > I’m a gay woman, I know very many gay women. NONE use husband (or boyfriend) to refer to their other half. Ok, I’ll spell out my question. Do most lesbian couples prefer calling their partner “wife” or do they prefer another term? Maybe just girlfriends? As in contrast do more (or fewer) gay couples prefer “husband” or maybe they prefer “boyfriends”? ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2019, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/149 "2019-07-18T22:04:03Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Ok, I’ll spell out my question. Do most lesbian couples prefer calling their partner “wife” or do they prefer another term? Maybe just girlfriends? > > As in contrast do more (or fewer) gay couples prefer “husband” or maybe they prefer “boyfriends”? Wouldn’t that depend on whether or not they’re married? ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2019, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/150 "2019-07-18T22:43:04Z")
I have friends who are approaching the 50th Anniversary of their (legal) wedding, so I’ve heard it for quite a while. It does sometimes give me a start though, but that’s surprise because I didn’t know that person is gay/lesbian. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2019, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/151 "2019-07-18T22:48:22Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > 1. Are you aware that we did, in fact, attempt to get marriage rights under a different name, and that was still opposed by conservatives? To the extent that many red-leaning states explicitly outlawed civil unions? I think it’s jawdroppingly funny how a couple years after the supreme court decision, anti-gay marriage groups were all like “why weren’t you just happy with civil unions instead of marriage?” 😕:smack: ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2019, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/152 "2019-07-19T05:33:33Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Ok, I’ll spell out my question. Do most lesbian couples prefer calling their partner “wife” or do they prefer another term? Maybe just girlfriends? > > As in contrast do more (or fewer) gay couples prefer “husband” or maybe they prefer “boyfriends”? If they prefer whateverfriends, that usually means they have no intent of getting married in the near future. You know, just like heteros? ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2019, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/153 "2019-07-19T12:54:05Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Ok, I’ll spell out my question. Do most lesbian couples prefer calling their partner “wife” or do they prefer another term? Maybe just girlfriends? > > As in contrast do more (or fewer) gay couples prefer “husband” or maybe they prefer “boyfriends”? I think that couples that take the step of getting married usually sign up for upgrading from “girlfriend” to “wife”, regardless of whether they aer gay or straight. I mean, there was that guy I mentioned who sort of awkwardly _didn’t_ say “husband”, but my impression was that he was in the habit of hiding the fact that he’s gay. So it wasn’t like he was going to use “boyfriend”, he was just avoiding implying that his husband was a guy. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2019, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/154 "2019-07-19T12:55:08Z")
Like, I imagine some gay couples say “partner” instead of husband/wife, but I can’t imagine a nontrivial number would say “boyfriend/girlfriend” when they are married. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2019, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/155 "2019-07-19T18:28:39Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > … he was just avoiding implying that his husband was a guy. Most husbands are. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/156 "2019-07-20T13:43:34Z")
ALL husbands are men. Our local paper once had some photos of gay couples who considered themselves married. A co-worker asked me which person in the couples I thought looked like the “husband” and which one like the “wife.” I had to set her straight (so to speak) about husbands being men and women being wives. End of discussion. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/157 "2019-07-20T14:09:26Z")
Yes, my point was that he didn’t use the word “husband” because he was in the habit of obscuring the fact that he’s married to a guy, even though he was trying to switch his language to acknowledge that publicly. ---
**Author:** ![Tempe\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tempe_jeff/32/7328_2.png) [@Tempe\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tempe_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/158 "2019-07-21T03:14:12Z")
Saying husband or wife , is yet another example of cis-gendered demands for conformity by bigoted folks. Spouse is questionable, use they’m or they’f or Que? Check your privilege! ---
**Author:** ![My\_Darn\_Snake\_Legs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f14d63/32.png) [@My\_Darn\_Snake\_Legs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/My_Darn_Snake_Legs)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/159 "2019-07-21T06:19:53Z")
Totally cool with it. ---
**Author:** ![dalej42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/67e7ee/32.png) [@dalej42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dalej42)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778/160 "2019-07-21T17:19:52Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Ok, I’ll spell out my question. Do most lesbian couples prefer calling their partner “wife” or do they prefer another term? Maybe just girlfriends? > > As in contrast do more (or fewer) gay couples prefer “husband” or maybe they prefer “boyfriends”? My social circle is almost all gay men. Every single married couple I know uses ‘husband’ In fact, for the first few months after they get married, it’s common for newly wed couples to mention the word ‘husband’ in just about every sentence they speak! It’s kinda similar when two guys go from the dating stage to the boyfriend stage. Every sentence includes ‘my boyfriend this’ ‘my boyfriend that’ In fact, I temporarily muted a friend of mine on twitter because I got tired of his mushy tweets about his new bf. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-comfortable-with-gay-people-using-the-terms-my-husband-or-my-wife/836778.md?page=9)