# Are you deliberately married to a person who’s NOT the love of your life? Why? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 18, 2009, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205 "2009-06-18T18:38:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/21 "2009-06-18T21:33:53Z")
To answer the OP’s question, no. I did deliberately marry the love of my life. We met in college and I went through all the textbook physiological states- stammering, sweaty palms, could’nt think straight, starry eyes, etc. We had an emotional, passionate relationship for a couple years, but there were too many immature emotions involved and we split up. I was still in love but needed to get it, and her, out of my system because of all the overwrought emotion. I entered a series of relationships that, I think subliminally, I knew wouldn’t last because something in me was holding out for that One True Love again. Years after we split up, and had matured, we found each other again and realized we were each the other’s One True Love. By that point we had calmed and our love was a positive, sustaining thing rather than the passionate roller coaster it had been years before. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone who I hadn’t experienced both types of love with. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/22 "2009-06-18T21:54:31Z")
> [@Ruminator](#): > > So, should we teach our children to set their sights lower than the “one true love” because it’s the most realistic outcome? Basically make it clear that their goal is to just find someone “nice”. If he sweeps you off your feet, consider that a BONUS instead of a prerequisite? I find the concept of “one true love” or “soulmates” to be _incredibly_ depressing. There’s almost _seven billion people_ in the world. Odds are that if there is “one true love” out there for you, _you will never find him/her_. What are the chances that you living in, say, Boston, will find your one true love also in the Boston area? Next to nothing! If “one true loves” existed they’re more likely to be someone you will never ever ever stumble across. They’d be somewhere in Zimbabwe, or rural France, New Zealand or some tiny village in Saudi Arabia. So really, you have _no real chance_ of ever finding your one true love. God that’s depressing. I’d much rather believe that there are a whole bunch of people who you would be really happy with, for whatever different reasons. Sure, you’ll miss out on most of them, but chances are much better you’ll find one of them and spend your life (mostly) loving and happy. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/23 "2009-06-18T22:00:36Z")
Have I ever mentioned I suspect my wife stalks me here? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/24 "2009-06-18T22:27:26Z")
I don’t like the idea of the “love of your life” because it ignores how flexible people are–after ten years, my husband is no doubt the best person in the world for me _now_, but we’ve shaped the heck out of each other. And he’s certainly my favorite person. But I am sure I could have been happy as a different version of me with a different person. ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/25 "2009-06-18T22:40:12Z")
Today is our 4th anniversary. I can’t imagine being with anyone else while she’s still alive, but god forbid if something happens we’ve both agreed that we could and would move on eventually. So I guess it depends on how you look at it. I would say: Love Of My Life: 100% yes barring unforseeable tragedy One True Love: Doubt it exists ---
**Author:** ![Ruminator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Ruminator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruminator)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/26 "2009-06-18T23:05:18Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > What is One True Love anyway? Somebody care to define how that’s different from my life? > [@zweisamkeit](#): > > If “one true loves” existed they’re more likely to be someone you will never ever ever stumble across. They’d be somewhere in Zimbabwe, or rural France, New Zealand or some tiny village in Saudi Arabia. > [@Cisco](#): > > One True Love: Doubt it exists Possible clarification. Often when I hear “_one true love_”, the “_one_” usually refers to someone they’ve already met in their life and not some future probability of 1-of-6-billion (or 1-of-3-billion of you’re not bisexual) future prospects. I didn’t realize that “one true love” could be interpreted either as past or present. I’m not saying my definition is correct – just clarifying what my particular context meant. ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Kerrman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/45deac/32.png) [@Joe\_Kerrman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Kerrman)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/27 "2009-06-18T23:09:38Z")
> [@Athena](#): > > With the current Mr. Athena, he’ll do something so infuriating that I want to kill him, but at the same time there’s this voice in my head going “Oh, but he’s so cute when he does that! And look, he’s got a nice ass. And even though he’s driving you nuts with his argument, he’s really smart.” It’s like even when I don’t want to like him, I’m still all goo-goo over him and that’s the part that ends up lasting. > > It’s going on 12 years or so, I have no reason to believe it’ll ever change. I’m just stupid about him. It’s like that with me and Jo Kerrwoman. We’ve been together 19 years and have four kids. She was sweet and liked animals and kids and cooking and writing and, man, was she _hot_. And she still is. And we could stay up and talk all night like best buddies. And we still can. But what made me realize we were soulmates was the freedom we gave each other from the very beginning to act like family. When I think of the horrible ways we’ve treated each other on occasion, then I think back to long-lost loves, I always think “She’d never have stood for that from me!” Ever see _The Notebook_? When Ryan Gosling’s character shouts at Rachel McAdams’ something like this: “That’s what we do, we fight! You tell me when I’m being an arrogant bastard and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. They’ve got, like, a two-second rebound rate and then you’re off doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing!” Our proposal – kind of a mutual, let’s get married thing more than a down-on-one-knee endeavor – sounded a lot like that scene. I almost wore out the DVD repeating that scene and laughing my ass off. And, that, kiddies, is how it looks when you find your one true love. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Ruminator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Ruminator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruminator)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/28 "2009-06-18T23:13:23Z")
> [@Sauron](#): > > In reality, though, there’s a ton of magic in getting up with a baby in the middle of the night so the other partner can rest, or taking care of a spouse when they’re sick, or doing something nice out of the blue, or doing a chore for no reason. It’s everyday magic, but it’s still magic. But none of those things are mentioned in all those boy-meets-girl songs on the radio! I feel duped. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/29 "2009-06-18T23:51:58Z")
I don’t believe in One True Love as in, there’s one person in the whole world who is meant to be my soulmate, and if I just find him we will live happily ever after with no problems and happy rainbow clouds all the time. There are probably a bunch of guys out there I could build a happy life with. That said, I have yet to meet any guy besides my husband who I think I could realistically be as happy with. I was about to write a paragraph about how happy we are, etc. and stuff, but then I realized that’s irrelevant to the OP’s question. So never mind. I don’t think it’s a choice between marrying your One True Love and ‘settling.’ It’s something in the middle there, where you find a person you love and trust and can build a good life with, and you work from there. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/30 "2009-06-18T23:56:42Z")
> [@Ruminator](#): > > Possible clarification. Often when I hear “_one true love_”, the “_one_” usually refers to someone they’ve already met in their life and not some future probability of 1-of-6-billion (or 1-of-3-billion of you’re not bisexual) future prospects. Exactly. There are many people in your area you can form an amazing connection with. When it’s a super amazing connection, it feels like “The One”, even though that’s not really true. In the case of the last woman I seriously dated, we both found out how truly intense love can be. It was a new experience for both of us. It opened my eyes (and hers) to a completely new reality. My standards for relationships have gone way up. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/31 "2009-06-19T01:18:56Z")
I think I am married to ‘the love of my life’ in many ways. But, that said, I gotta say; over the course of our 20 year relationship, I have had three very intense cases of unrequited love for other men. And I always thought they could also be the ‘love of my life.’ Weird. One thing that did put my husband of the top as LOML though, was that he always made me feel that I was the LOHL. And his bond with our daughter certainly makes me think he is the ONE. The bond they share is actually one of the purest and most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. I never really did believe in just one man for one woman, though. I never even really believed in monogamy, for that matter. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/32 "2009-06-19T03:40:23Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I don’t like the idea of the “love of your life” because it ignores how flexible people are–after ten years, my husband is no doubt the best person in the world for me _now_, but we’ve shaped the heck out of each other. And he’s certainly my favorite person. But I am sure I could have been happy as a different version of me with a different person. Yes. I married the love of my life because, well, this is the life I have and he was the love of it. If things had gone differently, my life would have been different and I would, most likely, have had a different love of that life. We create ourselves and each other every moment. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/33 "2009-06-19T03:52:45Z")
Read the Harlan Ellison story “Grail” for a good summation on my view of one true love. Suffice it to say, I think it’s a destructive idea, whether it actually exists or not. ---
**Author:** ![Idlewild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8491ac/32.png) [@Idlewild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idlewild)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/34 "2009-06-19T04:04:24Z")
I am still crazy in love with my husband of eleven years, and have every reason to think he’s still crazy in love with me. But neither of us subscribe to the ‘one true’ bit. I wouldn’t have married someone for whom I didn’t have that level of love and ‘in-loveness’, though. We have a large apartment because we both need our space. Anything short of this good would be way too irritating for me to share my living space with someone. If anything happens to him, I’m gonna end up a hermit. ---
**Author:** ![AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/35 "2009-06-19T04:58:55Z")
> [@](#): > > And I did not like what that made me at all. I seemed to have no mind of my own, and neither did he - we were this seamless unit. Oh one of those Siamese Twin couples? Thank Bob for you getting out of that realtionship then…I really think that too many of those Siamese Twin types are FAR too co-dependant. Codependance isn’t a good thing…at ALL. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/36 "2009-06-19T05:35:35Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Yes. I married the love of my life because, well, this is the life I have and he was the love of it. If things had gone differently, my life would have been different and I would, most likely, have had a different love of that life. > > We create ourselves and each other every moment. perfect. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/37 "2009-06-19T05:50:35Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > I think I am married to ‘the love of my life’ in many ways. But, that said, I gotta say; over the course of our 20 year relationship, I have had three very intense cases of unrequited love for other men. And I always thought they could also be the ‘love of my life.’ Weird. One thing that did put my husband of the top as LOML though, was that he always made me feel that I was the LOHL. And his bond with our daughter certainly makes me think he is the ONE. The bond they share is actually one of the purest and most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. > > I never really did believe in just one man for one woman, though. I never even really believed in monogamy, for that matter. This. (Except the child bit, which is currently not applicable.) I’d be completely happy in an open/poly relationship - but Oni no Husband would not, and having him is far, far more important than being free to be involved with other people. Therefore, to prevent any issues, I only allow myself to get all giddy about people who live at least 300 miles away. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/38 "2009-06-19T05:56:45Z")
Not exactly what the OP is asking, but here is my story… I dated the First Love Of My Life (1st LOML) our senior year of high school. Unfortunately we had to split when he went into the military and I went off to college. I was devastated to lose him, but there was nothing I could do - we were on opposite coasts. Eventually, at college I met a new guy who became the Second Love Of My Life (2nd LOML), and we dated for 9 years… During those 9 years I often thought about 1st LOML, and I still loved him. Eventually I discovered through the grapevine that he had gotten married and had children, so I gave up any and all hope to be with him. So in the meantime, I fell in love with 2nd LOML and dedicated myself to him, and I would have married him if he had asked. But he never did, and eventually he broke up with me (after 9 years!) A couple of years later I reconnected with 1st LOML (after 11 years apart), and found out he was divorced. We started dating again, and are still together 4 1/2 years later. My greatest wish is for us to be married, but he hasn’t asked yet… I really hope it works out, because I really doubt I would be able to find a Third Love Of My Life - I think that I would rather just be single than marry someone I am not fully head-over-heels about, and I don’t think I could ever feel that way about anyone else again. So to answer the OP’s question, I think that someone marries a person who is NOT the love of their life, if the person who IS the love of their life rejects them, or doesn’t feel the same way about them. And they would rather be with someone and have a family, instead of being alone. ---
**Author:** ![Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a9a28c/32.png) [@Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oslo_Ostragoth)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/39 "2009-06-19T07:38:25Z")
I used to be. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/40 "2009-06-19T12:45:59Z")
> [@Scotty Mo](#): > > perfect. Seconded. Waking up every morning to someone who is extremely sensible sounds so very… satisfactory. Life would be so incredibly safe and predictable. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205.md?page=3)