# Are you deliberately married to a person who’s NOT the love of your life? Why? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 18, 2009, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205 "2009-06-18T18:38:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Giltathriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b38774/32.png) [@Giltathriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giltathriel)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2009, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/81 "2009-06-24T15:38:22Z")
> [@Roadfood](#): > > … > > The point is, you get what you expect. These people are happy in their marriages, not because they sit back and then their partner makes them happy, but because they give to the relationship and get from the relationship and the two people in the relationship create their happiness. > > … > > You’re looking/waiting for the relationship that will **make you** happy, instead of a relationship that you can be happy in. If you don’t see the difference between those two, then you have some maturing to do. Because that difference is often one of the keys to what makes one marriage last a lifetime and another fail. > > And as long as you’re looking for “the one” that will make you happy, that will make your life not-mediocre, that you will never feel you settled for, you’ll never find her. Thanks for posting this. I think it’s something that doesn’t get emphasized enough when talking about romance, especially in movies. ---
**Author:** ![ready29003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@ready29003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ready29003)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2009, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/82 "2009-06-25T00:31:46Z")
> [@ready29003](#): > > Why the hell did I marry the woman I did? That’s a different post for a different day… Hey I woke up this morning and realized the answer to this question…And I had never before seen it so clearly. And since it is actually a direct answer to the OP… I deliberately married a woman who was not…the love of my life…or (i’ll use a different phrase)…one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known…and adopted her children…because I was happy and felt I could be happy even in a very challenging situation like that. I felt I could be happy in the relationship and the life…and did not think it was critical that I hold out for someone who was…more impressive? I also made the decision under some time pressure of outside circumstances without giving myself a reasonable length of time to get to know her better. So there you go. In answer to the OP. Yes I was. That’s why I did it. And it was a mistake. I knew I was taking on a ton…but I felt pretty indestructible and ready for anything. As it turns out… Well, I really should have thought more carefully about the woman I was marrying and whether or not we were really compatible for a long term relationship…Cause we weren’t and so the marriage just wasn’t that great…and ultimately ended with mutual agreement. I feel much better now. Who needs therapy, Ii can just talk it out in SDMB… ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2009, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/83 "2009-06-25T14:00:41Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > I don’t believe in One True Love as in, there’s one person in the whole world who is meant to be my soulmate, and if I just find him we will live happily ever after with no problems and happy rainbow clouds all the time. > … > I don’t think it’s a choice between marrying your One True Love and ‘settling.’ It’s something in the middle there, where you find a person you love and trust and can build a good life with, and you work from there. [QUOTE=Roadfood] You’re looking/waiting for the relationship that will make you happy, instead of a relationship that you can be happy in. If you don’t see the difference between those two, then you have some maturing to do. Because that difference is often one of the keys to what makes one marriage last a lifetime and another fail. [/QUOTE] I think, in most marriages, this is the key. You grow together. My husband and I aren’t the exact same people we were when we met ten years ago, but we had similar goals and we lived well together and we did and still do adore each other. I’ve been in love with other guys, but not other men I could actually build a life with. It’s a partnership, not just a date. Romance is easy. The long haul isn’t always, but it’s worth it. ---
**Author:** ![taxi78cab](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@taxi78cab](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/taxi78cab)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2009, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205/84 "2009-06-25T18:26:51Z")
When I met my now-husband (here on the 'Dope incidentally), we quickly realized that we had a lot in common - background, education, upbringing, goals for our lives, places we would agree to live and wouldn’t, social-ness (i.e. the frequency with which we want to see other people vs. stay home), leisure activities, etc. And we both felt that these are the things to base a marriage on. There was some giddy newness when we first met in person, but it wasn’t the “OMG he is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE™.” He was the person that I thought, on a rational level, was the most compatible with me and with whom I would be happiest over my lifetime. That’s certainly not settling, but cause he was the best person for me. But at the same time, it wasn’t Hollywood’s image of how you should gazing across a crowded room and meeting someone’s eyes and knowing he is The One. But that was just what led to getting married. That only tells a tiny bit of our story. In the time since then, the rational compatibility has grown into something deeply meaningful and incredibly beautiful. I wake up feeling really lucky to be with him. He makes me laugh. He challenges me intellectually. He supports me when I need it. He knows that when I get snippy, I need a hug. We work together to make our marriage work. It’s not always happiness and roses, but when we fight, we talk about it and work it out in ways that we’ve found work for us. So no, he wasn’t THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ™ when we got married, and I still don’t gaze adoringly at him from across a room. But we now have a wonderful marriage and I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything in the world. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-deliberately-married-to-a-person-who-s-not-the-love-of-your-life-why/500205.md?page=4)