# Are you obligated to accept a wedding invitation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 24, 2006, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872 "2006-02-24T01:20:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2006, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/21 "2006-02-24T22:32:52Z")
> [@jsc1953](#): > > And it’s the height of bad manners to bring more people than you indicated on the RSVP. More specifically, it’s the height of bad manners to indicate on the RSVP that anyone will be attending beyond the specific people who were invited. You cannot send a proxy or add your own guests to the invitation. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/22 "2006-02-25T00:03:43Z")
> [@jali](#): > > My daughter and I joke that we’re going to get the club or theme park arm bands and give them out at the wedding. No armband to show - no entrance to the reception. I think it’s very rude. > > I think it’s horrible to plan to miss the point of the day and to go for the food and booze - either decline the whole thing or give the couple your respect by attending the ceremony. I have gone to one reception without going to the wedding - with the specific instructions from the bride and groom. … I am pagan, they were being maried in a seriously fundie church who knew me as a pagan and had sent people to harass me [back when i lived in the bible belt]. They were having a reception party in a bar, and knew that the fundies that harassed me wouldnt be showing up … they didnt want me to get harassed at the church, but wanted me to be a part of the day. The only reason they agreed to the church for teh wedding was so that the brides parents would _recognize_ the marriage and not throw her out of the family. They did put their foot down as his parents paid for the reception and made sure that her parents knew that it was his familys choice to have it in the family owned bar =) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/23 "2006-02-25T00:15:12Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > I have gone to one reception without going to the wedding - with the specific instructions from the bride and groom. … > > I am pagan, they were being maried in a seriously fundie church who knew me as a pagan and had sent people to harass me [back when i lived in the bible belt]. They were having a reception party in a bar, and knew that the fundies that harassed me wouldnt be showing up … they didnt want me to get harassed at the church, but wanted me to be a part of the day. The only reason they agreed to the church for teh wedding was so that the brides parents would _recognize_ the marriage and not throw her out of the family. They did put their foot down as his parents paid for the reception and made sure that her parents knew that it was his familys choice to have it in the family owned bar =) I think that’s something totally different. When it’s NOT a special circumstance, it’s considered rude. ---
**Author:** ![GorillaMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/50afbb/32.png) [@GorillaMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GorillaMan)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/24 "2006-02-25T00:16:20Z")
I’ve gone to a reception without making it to the wedding…with the full blessing of the couple, because they knew that I couldn’t finish work at midday yet make it to Scotland by 3pm. The fact I made the trip nonetheless was well received by all. And I still had a good time, which is the important thing 😉 Expecting _anything_ other than a reply (either way) because you send out an invite is horribly obnoxious. If someone attends, then the ‘gift etiquette’ starts to fit into place. But an invitation is just that. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/25 "2006-02-25T00:41:23Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > I think that’s something totally different. . I’ll say…an interesting set of relationships, to say the least. Pagan friends & fundie relatives. And a church that harasses wedding attendees. ---
**Author:** ![Tabula\_Rasa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9adbd/32.png) [@Tabula\_Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabula_Rasa)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/26 "2006-02-25T04:49:24Z")
> [@GorillaMan](#): > > I’ve gone to a reception without making it to the wedding…with the full blessing of the couple, because they knew that I couldn’t finish work at midday yet make it to Scotland by 3pm. The fact I made the trip nonetheless was well received by all. And I still had a good time, which is the important thing 😉 Even I see this as a lovely exception to my own rule. Clearly, you are important enough to them and they to you that the logistics could be easily discussed. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/27 "2006-02-25T05:06:37Z")
> [@jsc1953](#): > > I’ll say…an interesting set of relationships, to say the least. Pagan friends & fundie relatives. And a church that harasses wedding attendees. You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you cant pick your relatives … or your relatives religious beliefs and choice of church. it is what you get when one set of parental units are fundies and one set are hard drinking irish mostly catholics …who own a bar=) But then again, mrAru is Catholic Light [or as he puts it scots heretic - episcopalian] and one of my best friends for many years was very catholic. Matt and I had a deal, I wouldnt feed him to the lions and he wouldnt burn me at the steak - but he would burn me a steak =) I have no personal stake in what anybody but myself believes [heck, my mom went to school with Billy Graham, and I was raised baptist] and I prefer to be left to my own beliefs. I dont preach to anybody, and I will not tolerate them preaching to me - however I will happily take anybody’s blessing and thank them for it. I regularly [when going to a catholic mass with friends] go to the communion rail for a blessing. No, I don’t see that as hypocritical - I feel that the catholic belief is just as valid as the Dalai Lamas beliefs, or in any generic mullah in Bagdad. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/28 "2006-02-25T05:07:50Z")
I guess I’m the only one who doesn’t think it’s unspeakably rude to skip the wedding but go to the reception. There seems to be a sentiment that the reception is the reward for going to the wedding, which strikes me as very odd. Like the ceremony is an unpleasant bit of business that has to be endured before the party starts. But then I’ve been lucky. Both sets of friends of mine who married had the good sense to do it in private, no guests, and threw a party well after the fact. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/29 "2006-02-25T12:33:00Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > I guess I’m the only one who doesn’t think it’s unspeakably rude to skip the wedding but go to the reception. There seems to be a sentiment that the reception is the reward for going to the wedding, which strikes me as very odd. Like the ceremony is an unpleasant bit of business that has to be endured before the party starts. I get the impression that those who skip the ceremony and just go to the reception are the ones that have this sentiment. “Well, the wedding itself will be long and boring, so let’s ditch that and just show up for the free food and booze.” ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/30 "2006-02-25T12:56:30Z")
I suppose I should have stated in my own OP - I think an invitation is just that. “We would love for you to attend our…” So if you want to and can, check Yes. If you can’t or wouldn’t in a million years, check No. Easy. When I graduated from college, I sent out announcements, but I almost didn’t. I didn’t want anyone to think it was a gift solicitation - I just wanted to send out fancy, engraved cards declaring I’d _finally_ finished college. As I recall, no gifts were forthcoming anyway, so it all worked out. Oh, and I didn’t attend my own sister’s wedding. It had been scheduled for the summer and we intended to be there. Then there was drama, and it was off, then it was rescheduled in September, after my kid had started school. There was no way we could swing it without a big financial burden (airline tickets and car rental) or her missing several days of classes (driving 800 miles). So we passed. I sent her a hand-made afghan. She still has the afghan. The husband is long gone… Apparently I didn’t miss much. ---
**Author:** ![MizGrand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cdc98d/32.png) [@MizGrand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MizGrand)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/31 "2006-02-25T13:20:57Z")
After further research, I found that hub has indeed told the groom that we wouldn’t be at the wedding. For goodness’ sake, have you ever been to a Catholic wedding? Quite the show. I’m at best agnostic and at worst atheist and all that pomp and such is way to much for me to stomach. I probably shouldn’t have posed the question. I myself got married in a hall, where we also held the reception. As a defense though, I’m not going to “drink their booze”, I’m recovering, thanks. I intend on spending at least $50 on a gift for people I don’t know, so I think that skipping the ceremony really isn’t that big a deal. I’m honestly disappointed that you all disagree. Oh well, 'tis what makes the world go 'round, and all the differing opines are what ultimately bring me back here, day after day after day, ad infinitum. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/32 "2006-02-25T13:21:56Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > I’ve been catching up on the entertaining tales at [EtiquetteHell.com](http://EtiquetteHell.com) and I’ve come across a couple of statements to the effect that if you’re invited to a wedding, you’re required to attend, barring death or some such thing. I was always under the impression that an invitation was not a command and if you didn’t want to attend, you sent your regrets. > > Do you feel like you _have_ to go to a wedding just because you’ve been invited? If you sent out wedding invitations, did you expect everyone to accept and attend? No, I rarely feel obligated to do anything I don’t wish to. There are some exceptions but the only one that is consistent is anything involving my mother. If she wants me there, I’m there. Other than that, if I don’t want to go, I don’t go. I send a nice gift and a note indicating I can’t make it. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/33 "2006-02-25T13:26:55Z")
> [@RSSchen](#): > > After further research, I found that hub has indeed told the groom that we wouldn’t be at the wedding. For goodness’ sake, have you ever been to a Catholic wedding? Quite the show. I’m at best agnostic and at worst atheist and all that pomp and such is way to much for me to stomach. I probably shouldn’t have posed the question. I myself got married in a hall, where we also held the reception. > > As a defense though, I’m not going to “drink their booze”, I’m recovering, thanks. I intend on spending at least $50 on a gift for people I don’t know, so I think that skipping the ceremony really isn’t that big a deal. > > I’m honestly disappointed that you all disagree. Oh well, 'tis what makes the world go 'round, and all the differing opines are what ultimately bring me back here, day after day after day, ad infinitum. I am asking this question honestly, so please don’t take it as anything but a sincere query: if you don’t believe that it’s rude, why did you intend for your husband not to tell the couple you wouldn’t be at the wedding? I’m an atheist, and yeah, I can understand the sentiment of not wanting to sit through a long and frilly religious ceremony, but I still can’t see myself skipping it and still going to the reception. I just think it says “Your wedding isn’t the thing that’s important to us, it’s the party afterwards” whether you bring a present, decline the booze, or whatever. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/34 "2006-02-25T16:15:27Z")
> [@TellMeI'mNotCrazy](#): > > I just think it says “Your wedding isn’t the thing that’s important to us, it’s the party afterwards” whether you bring a present, decline the booze, or whatever. Exactly. The present _isn_’t the price of admission; and the reception \*isn’\*t the reward for sitting through the ceremony. It’s all one big celebration – one solemn, one festive. It’s somewhat apropos to mention here that I read once that Penn Jillette is such a militant atheist that he refuses to attend any wedding held in a church. But even he would freely admit that that’s pretty rude. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/35 "2006-02-25T16:25:40Z")
> [@jsc1953](#): > > Exactly. The present _isn_’t the price of admission; and the reception \*isn’\*t the reward for sitting through the ceremony. It’s all one big celebration – one solemn, one festive. No, it’s two events, which is why an invitation to the wedding is not automatically an invitation to the reception. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/36 "2006-02-25T16:40:27Z")
> [@RSSchen](#): > > After further research, I found that hub has indeed told the groom that we wouldn’t be at the wedding. For goodness’ sake, have you ever been to a Catholic wedding? Quite the show. I’m at best agnostic and at worst atheist and all that pomp and such is way to much for me to stomach. I probably shouldn’t have posed the question. I myself got married in a hall, where we also held the reception. > > As a defense though, I’m not going to “drink their booze”, I’m recovering, thanks. I intend on spending at least $50 on a gift for people I don’t know, so I think that skipping the ceremony really isn’t that big a deal. > > I’m honestly disappointed that you all disagree. Oh well, 'tis what makes the world go 'round, and all the differing opines are what ultimately bring me back here, day after day after day, ad infinitum. :dubious: Unless there’s some reason to not attend (like not being able to get there in time or church people harrassing you, like others have said upthread), it’s damned rude. You’re saying that the actual wedding isn’t important, _when it’s the entire damned reason you were invited_. Oh, heaven forbid you have to sit through an hour of stuff you don’t believe. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/37 "2006-02-25T17:37:12Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > No, it’s two events, which is why an invitation to the wedding is not automatically an invitation to the reception. Hmm. You’re right. I should’ve said “two celebrations of the same event”, or something like that. So you’re also right, that it’s entirely possible to have 2 guest lists for the 2 celebrations (a small family wedding, with a big party later – or vice versa). I would think that if you’re going to do that, you should separate them by time & place, so that nobody’s feelings get hurt. ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/38 "2006-02-25T18:35:18Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > No, it’s two events, which is why an invitation to the wedding is not automatically an invitation to the reception. I’ve never been invited to a wedding without also being invited to the reception on the same card. Marc ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/39 "2006-02-25T18:59:56Z")
> [@MGibson](#): > > I’ve never been invited to a wedding without also being invited to the reception on the same card. Which doesn’t change the fact that the wedding and the reception are separate events and that an invitation to one does not equal an invitation to the other. It’s common for both invitations to come as one on the same paper, but if the wedding invitation does not specify the reception then the invitation is for the wedding only. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2006, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872/40 "2006-02-25T20:50:34Z")
Yes, people are sometimes invited to just one or the other, but when you’re invited to both (as is customary where I live), it is seen as rude to accept the invitation but then skip the wedding and just show up for the reception. The wedding is the important part, after all. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-obligated-to-accept-a-wedding-invitation/345872.md?page=3)