# Are You, Or Have You Ever Been A Slut? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 12, 2006, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098 "2006-02-12T09:19:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/41 "2006-02-14T06:07:40Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > Another question: > > Some of you who profess to being sluts didn’t seem to have any trouble simply stopping and then settling down with your current partner (or longterm partner, if you’re no longer together). But were the individuals you settled down with fellow sluts and you both “quit the game” at the same time? Or were they more conservative and prudish in relation to the experiences you’ve had? If the latter, did it cause any friction early in the relationship because of your conflicting views on sex? My ex-wife was actually a bigger slut than I was. Of course, it didn’t end well, but I don’t think the sulttiness was the reason. I’m not sure I could have a relationship with someone who hadn’t slutted about a little bit at least. ---
**Author:** ![Yookeroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yookeroo/32/323_2.png) [@Yookeroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yookeroo)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/42 "2006-02-14T06:09:47Z")
I’m more of an aspiring (male) slut. I jist wish I had more opportunities :D. And no double standard for me. If a girl is being slutty because she loves sex, I consider that a positive. If she’s slutty because she’s insecure ansd needy, that’s not quite as attractive. If she’s slutty because she likes the conquest? That’s a mindset (in men or women) that I just don’t understand. ---
**Author:** ![AFAIKnow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a6a055/32.png) [@AFAIKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AFAIKnow)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/43 "2006-02-14T06:31:58Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > And I’m not trying to convince him otherwise. > > I just tell him to pick a number between one and one thousand. I’m thirty five years old. I’ve been with a number of men. Anyone who can’t accept that isn’t someone I want to be in a relationship with anyway. > > Besides, in my experience, men don’t care how many people you’ve slept with. As long as it’s not more than they have. 😉 I’m no prude, but if 1000 was an option, it may make me think twice. ---
**Author:** ![Eleusis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Eleusis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eleusis)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/44 "2006-02-14T06:37:48Z")
> [@AFAIKnow](#): > > I’m no prude, but if 1000 was an option, it may make me think twice. Meh… You have to phrase it in orders of magnitude. Putting “1000” there out just means it’s over 100. That’s really not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. One a month for 9 years is over 100. ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/45 "2006-02-14T09:04:22Z")
I have definitely had more partners than my husband, but because mine were mostly one-night things, and he was into long term relationships, he’s probably had more sex than me. It was an issue for about 10 minutes, then he realised I’m with him because he’s the best friend, lover, companion, soulmate out there, as far as I’m concerned, and that sorted out his insecurities. Seriously, being a slut was nowhere near as totally fulfiling for me as being in our relationship (YMMV), so I would never voluntarily go back. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/46 "2006-02-14T12:18:12Z")
> [@AFAIKnow](#): > > I’m no prude, but if 1000 was an option, it may make me think twice. > [@Eleusis](#): > > Meh… You have to phrase it in orders of magnitude. Putting “1000” there out just means it’s over 100. That’s really not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. Actually, it just means “pick a number you’re comfortable with and call it good.” ‘One’ and ‘One thousand’ are equally unlikely numbers. I could just as easily say one million, and it would still just mean “I’m not going to discuss this with you, so you’re going to have to be okay with that.” For the record, I’d be equally unwilling to discuss it no matter what the number was. For me, it’s not about trying to hide anything. It’s about feeling that discussing each other’s sexual (and romantic) histories is like navigating a minefield. Why go there? ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/47 "2006-02-14T22:43:47Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > For the record, I’d be equally unwilling to discuss it no matter what the number was. For me, it’s not about trying to hide anything. It’s about feeling that discussing each other’s sexual (and romantic) histories is like navigating a minefield. Why go there? Because not being willing to go there might make someone think that you were ashamed of your past. If past is past, why be ashamed of it, right? And if someone wasn’t willing to share that information with me, I would likely assume the number was a lot higher that it might actually be. How is that any better? ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/48 "2006-02-14T22:59:35Z")
It’s not necessarily any ‘better’ but I agree that there comes a certain age where it’s just no longer pertinent information. I’m 35, been dating on and off for twenty years, what’s an ‘acceptable’ number for two decades? And folks’ ideas on acceptable numbers vary greatly, of course, so how is there ever going to be a ‘right’ answer to that question? What’s more important to me when dating someone new is whether or not they’re into monogamy and if they’re disease-free. Since both those can happen with someone who’s anywhere along the 1-1,000,000 continuum, why should I care? I rather hope they’ve enough notches on the bedpost to be confident about themselves, but again, that can occur with any number so the entire question is out. If someone is unwilling to share a specific number (or unable to remember!) and that leads to you make assumptions, that’s all you. Many of us find the question rude, is that really a risk you’re willing to take for that piece of rather inconsequential info? ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/49 "2006-02-14T23:03:33Z")
> [@Queen Tonya](#): > > It’s not necessarily any ‘better’ but I agree that there comes a certain age where it’s just no longer pertinent information. I’m 35, been dating on and off for twenty years, what’s an ‘acceptable’ number for two decades? And folks’ ideas on acceptable numbers vary greatly, of course, so how is there ever going to be a ‘right’ answer to that question? OK, I apologize, I didn’t consider the age aspect at all. I was thinking from my own perspective, that of a 21 year old male who’s a virgin. At this point in the game it’s an absolute necessity that I know. At my age there is a HUGE difference between “I’ve been with 3 guys” and “I’ve been with 20.” With a girl who answers the latter, we clearly have very VERY different viewpoints about sex, so it wouldn’t work for me. ---
**Author:** ![Ol\_Gaffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Ol\_Gaffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ol_Gaffer)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/50 "2006-02-14T23:17:07Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > OK, I apologize, I didn’t consider the age aspect at all. I was thinking from my own perspective, that of a 21 year old male who’s a virgin. At this point in the game it’s an absolute necessity that I know. At my age there is a HUGE difference between “I’ve been with 3 guys” and “I’ve been with 20.” With a girl who answers the latter, we clearly have very VERY different viewpoints about sex, so it wouldn’t work for me. Dude, it is never an **absolute** necessity that you know. You are asking for trouble by insisting to anyone that you have a right to their sexual history. Further, your numbers are ridiculous. Is there some kind of magical limit that determines whether or not you’ll date someone? Do you make a distinction between three long term relationships and three one night stands? I’m not trying to be snarky but don’t let this number crap cloud your judgement too much or you may end up with a bad case of “what might have been-itis” five or ten years from now. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/51 "2006-02-14T23:52:45Z")
> [@Ol'Gaffer](#): > > Dude, it is never an **absolute** necessity that you know. You are asking for trouble by insisting to anyone that you have a right to their sexual history. Further, your numbers are ridiculous. Is there some kind of magical limit that determines whether or not you’ll date someone? Do you make a distinction between three long term relationships and three one night stands? I’m not trying to be snarky but don’t let this number crap cloud your judgement too much or you may end up with a bad case of “what might have been-itis” five or ten years from now. Well the girl I recently have been crushing on just started seeing a guy, and depending on what they’ve gotten into, he’d be somewhere between the 4th or 7th guy she’s been with, which theoretically to me might be a deal breaker. But it would seem that my theoretical situations are all talk, because I would be with this girl at the drop of a hat if she wanted me. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/52 "2006-02-15T00:27:17Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > Well the girl I recently have been crushing on just started seeing a guy, and depending on what they’ve gotten into, he’d be somewhere between the 4th or 7th guy she’s been with, which theoretically to me might be a deal breaker. > > But it would seem that my theoretical situations are all talk, because I would be with this girl at the drop of a hat if she wanted me. Eh, that’s okay, all theoretical situations are just talk. In real situations, people have real feelings for the real people involved, and those feelings tend to influence the outcome. Seriously, though… don’t get so hung up on the numbers. Get hung up on the \*reasons \* for the numbers. One person may have slept with a lot of people because he or she is emotionally needy. Another may have done it because s/he had an itch that needed scratching. Another may be incapable of the emotional intimacy needed for an actual relationship. It’s the \*reason \* that tells you what you need to know about the person. ---
**Author:** ![threemae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f9b8f/32.png) [@threemae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/threemae)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/53 "2006-02-15T01:34:19Z")
Good point, Diana, but no 25 year ol with 50+ sexual partners is emotionally healthy. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/54 "2006-02-15T03:08:05Z")
> [@threemae](#): > > Good point, Diana, but no 25 year ol with 50+ sexual partners is emotionally healthy. Well, I suppose that’s as true as any sweeping generalization. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/55 "2006-02-15T03:30:26Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Seriously, though… don’t get so hung up on the numbers. Get hung up on the \*reasons \* for the numbers. But if a girl won’t talk about her numbers, how do you even begin to dissect the reason for the number? If she doesn’t want to give up numbers than I fail to see how asking “so were you emotionally needy, or did you crave sex from multiple people before you met me?” will go any better than just asking for a straight up number. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/56 "2006-02-15T06:01:55Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > But if a girl won’t talk about her numbers, how do you even begin to dissect the reason for the number? If she doesn’t want to give up numbers than I fail to see how asking “so were you emotionally needy, or did you crave sex from multiple people before you met me?” will go any better than just asking for a straight up number. If you’re at all prone to insecurity or jealousy, you’re better off not knowing. Assume anyone you date has had sex before and leave it at that. Any potential usefulness you might take away from such data will be completely overwhelmed by the negative imagery specific information engenders in the jealous and/or insecure. Let the past be the past. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/57 "2006-02-15T14:53:45Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > But if a girl won’t talk about her numbers, how do you even begin to dissect the reason for the number? If she doesn’t want to give up numbers than I fail to see how asking “so were you emotionally needy, or did you crave sex from multiple people before you met me?” will go any better than just asking for a straight up number. You don’t. You “dissect” the reason for her current relationship with you, and leave it at that. Seriously, some of the reasons I was the way I was three years ago have no relevance to who I am now - do you want to date me now or worry about who I was then? Talk to her, watch her, love her, pay attention to who she is _now_, because that’s who you’re dealing with - not her history. ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/58 "2006-02-16T05:39:22Z")
Yep, sure was. Nope, didn’t regret it. Actually, I wish I was a bit more of a slut, but I have this darn responsible streak in me. There are still quite a few things I’d like to try, but since I’m recently engaged, these are probably going to remain undone. At least until my eventual midlife crisis and divorce. (Just kidding). What somebody earlier said, yeah, the girls who dress all hot and slutty give it up much more grudgingly than the “quiet” ones. I like the semi-shy girls a lot of the time. I have more in common with them, and they’re quite often tasty nasty romps once you get them in bed. ---
**Author:** ![threemae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f9b8f/32.png) [@threemae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/threemae)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098/59 "2006-02-17T00:12:41Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > You don’t. You “dissect” the reason for her current relationship with you, and leave it at that. Seriously, some of the reasons I was the way I was three years ago have no relevance to who I am now - do you want to date me now or worry about who I was then? > > Talk to her, watch her, love her, pay attention to who she is _now_, because that’s who you’re dealing with - not her history. I disagree. In addition to possibly putting him in a position to dealing with what you picked up along the way, I don’t think that you would disagree that someone’s three year old behavior is completely off-limits in other, non-sexual contexts. If I were a woman, I would have a perfectly valid desire to want to know that my potential partner tortured cats as a six year old, let alone that he cheated on another partner three years ago. Three year old sluttiness is for certain still on the table. I disagree what all of the reasons for past sluttyness will just disappear in three years, and before he agrees to go to bed with anyone he has the perfect right to honestly know about that persons past history. If it’s a deal-breaker for him, he better find another girl. If it’s a dealbreaker for her to tell him that number, she had better find another guy. Or else the two will have to reach some sort of compromise. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-or-have-you-ever-been-a-slut/344098.md?page=2)