# Are you shy? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 29, 2010, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909 "2010-01-29T16:32:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/41 "2010-01-30T02:23:10Z")
As I grow older I find myself less shy, but when I was young it was awful. I felt like a shadow person. ---
**Author:** ![BrassyPhrase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BrassyPhrase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrassyPhrase)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/42 "2010-01-30T03:33:06Z")
I’m horribly shy…until you get to know me. Then I never shut up, make jokes and are not at all shy. (am not?? \) I feel shy. But the odd thing is, if someone else is being withdrawn, I feel driven to step up and be more brave and outgoing. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/43 "2010-01-30T03:44:45Z")
I voted no, even though sometimes I think I am. I mean, I teach large classes of students, stand up there in front of them and talk, so I guess that means I’m not shy. But I really feel like I am shy, and to be honest I’d much rather not be up there talking to a classroom of zoned-out students. And I can talk to anyone, but I’m really introverted. I like going to parties if I know people there, but I dread going to an event where I don’t know anyone. To me, shy means that you blush when spoken to, have trouble talking to strangers, and don’t have a lot of self-confidence. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/44 "2010-01-30T03:55:16Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Yes, I’m very shy, but very good at pretending I’m not. Ditto. It’s taken a lot of work and practice to get to that point, though. ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Orzabal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/45 "2010-01-30T04:47:41Z")
Inasmuch as there’s a difference between being shy and being introverted, I am entirely the latter and not at all the former. I feel no anxiety about talking to people, but I almost never go out of my way to do so in group situations. My tendency to say shit like that first sentence in casual conversation probably explains a lot about why this is, actually. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/46 "2010-01-30T06:14:57Z")
> [@MitzeKatze](#): > > How does one learn this? Sorry that I didn’t come back and answer this, but I see that others have done better than I could. The phrase I would use is "fake it ‘til you make it’. It has also helped me to make a lot of acquaintances, so that in many professional settings I attend, I find that I know at least one person. ---
**Author:** ![Imasquare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Imasquare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Imasquare)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/47 "2010-02-01T02:11:43Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Extremely. I am flat terrified of new people. That sounds a lot like me. > [@TruCelt](#): > > But I don’t allow that to stop me from socializing. I cannot socialize at all. I am scared speechless in any social situations that involve anyone I haven’t known for a long, long time. ---
**Author:** ![hobscrk777](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a6a055/32.png) [@hobscrk777](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hobscrk777)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/48 "2010-02-01T03:04:08Z")
I’m not shy, although I think I give off that impression IRL. People mistake my misanthropy for shyness. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/49 "2010-02-01T03:40:27Z")
> [@MitzeKatze](#): > > How does one learn this? I am shy, and I accept that but would like to overcome it, as it does create some problems in my life. For example I will wait for my husband to come home to make phone calls for me- even to schedule doctor’s appointments and what-not so that I do not have to talk to “strangers”. > > Oddly, I have no problems doing this for my children, or talking to people on their behalf or talking to people in service jobs, and to a lesser extent talking to people necessary to do my own job back when I had one (and that did involve lots of new people on a daily bases, none of whom would have guessed I am as shy as I am). But being social, chatting, etc. is beyond me. > > I have lived in my current location for 3 years or so (and I moved to this state not knowing a soul) and I have not made a single friend (outside of the parents of my children’s friends) or met any of my neighbors (except for one who is what I call “aggressively friendly”) and I have no idea how to do those things or even how to chat with someone in a social situation (which I avoid). Are you my girlfriend? ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/50 "2010-02-01T08:03:26Z")
I was the extremely shy as a child and had social phobia as a teen. It just went away in my 30’s. I worked in a place with a thousand people and had to face my fears daily to do my job. i took up mountain climbing and got some confidence. Now in my 40’s I am not shy at all. I talk to strangers in the store. I am just me and don’t care what others think. I think I am going to be one of those purple hat ladies some day. I’m still a loner though but it is by choice not because of shyness. I really don’t give a rats batookie what people think about me. What matters is what I think of me and I like myself today. ---
**Author:** ![Modern-caveman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9d8465/32.png) [@Modern-caveman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modern-caveman)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/51 "2010-02-01T15:52:24Z")
I am not shy. I consider myself reserved. I spent my youn adulthood in the military where communication was essential. I became precise in vocalizing my thoughts. It may also be my natural curiosity that allows me to phrase questions and provide unmitigated answers. The older I get the better I am at channeling my motivations in social settings. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/52 "2010-02-01T15:57:55Z")
> [@BrassyPhrase](#): > > …I never shut up, make jokes and are not at all shy. (am not?? \) I always takes _am_, so _am not_ would be correct. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/53 "2010-02-01T18:06:06Z")
I used to be extremely shy. My shyness was a result of super elevated self obsession, so that I believed that, basically, if I were in a room everyone else must be looking at me, judging me, thinking about me. At some point, I started paying attention to how much I was really thinking about everyone else, and a I suddenly realized that I’m just not that interesting. People aren’t watching my every move. They don’t care what I do so long as it doesn’t interfere with them. Not only that, but people like friendliness and are made uncomfortable by anxiety. So, if I stopped worrying about others really caring what I do, and started projecting friendliness and calm, I would be set. And it has worked. If I’m in a situation now where I don’t feel confident, I’ll say so. And I’ve found that people respond very well if you say something like, “This is a stupid question but…” or “I feel silly asking this but…” or just “I’ve never been here before. What should I do/know?” So, I stopped being self obsessed and started making light of my own ignorance and life has been good. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/54 "2010-02-01T19:28:50Z")
I’m not sure how to answer this one. I am somewhat shy, but I don’t _act_ shy. There are few, if any, people who know me that would think that. I have a pretty damn outgoing personality. In my head, I’m shy, and I wonder and worry about what people are thinking about me. But I try very hard (and I generally succeed) not to let those thoughts keep me from acting in a way I prefer. So I will greet random strangers and smile at people and crack the bad joke even if I’m sometimes mortified by the potential reaction. It seems to work fine for me. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/55 "2010-02-01T20:06:54Z")
**Hell no.** ---
**Author:** ![rivulus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@rivulus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rivulus)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/56 "2010-02-01T20:09:01Z")
> [@MitzeKatze](#): > > How does one learn this? I am shy, and I accept that but would like to overcome it, as it does create some problems in my life. For example I will wait for my husband to come home to make phone calls for me- even to schedule doctor’s appointments and what-not so that I do not have to talk to “strangers”. > > Oddly, I have no problems doing this for my children, or talking to people on their behalf or talking to people in service jobs, and to a lesser extent talking to people necessary to do my own job back when I had one (and that did involve lots of new people on a daily bases, none of whom would have guessed I am as shy as I am). But being social, chatting, etc. is beyond me. I learned about social chatting by watching my partner and mimicking her. When she enters a situation with a new person she says “Hi, I’m so-and-so.” They exchange introductions. Then she usually asks the person some questions. “How do you know host-of-party?” “I like your shirt, where did you get it?” “Is that your little boy? How old is he?” Once someone gets going you can usually find stuff to relate to and add your two cents. And if they have any social graces whatsoever, they’ll ask you a question or two as well and, bingo, you have a conversation! Rule of thumb: people generally like to talk about themselves. Therefore, very few people respond badly to this approach. I’ve tried it, and it works amazingly well, even for a socially inept person like me! Mind you, I don’t nearly have the touch/instinct my partner does. Sometimes I fall flat with a particular question. The trick is to treat it as an experiment. No need to invest yourself or your ego in it! It’s just a party/play date/whatever. The shyness is less of a problem if you take yourself out of it. Pretend you’re doing it on behalf of someone else. Or that you’re on a cruise ship and you’ll never, ever see this person again. I remember working customer service. I could make calls and talk to people as a faceless employee that I would _never_ have had the courage to do on my own. It wasn’t me, rivulus, making the call. It was my persona. I totally get where you’re coming from with making appointments. I have terrible phone phobia. But when I have to schedule a doctor’s appointment or something for my son, I’m totally cool with that. That’s because I’m stepping outside my self and doing something for _him_, not me. Making an appointment for myself is a bigger hurdle – but I can do it if I mimic that same mind set. It’s not about me… it’s not about me… It’s a mind game. But one that gets easier with practice. (I took acting classes, which also helped with stepping outside myself and my own insecurities.) ---
**Author:** ![SazChez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/0ea827/32.png) [@SazChez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SazChez)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/57 "2010-02-02T17:27:51Z")
I answered yes. I think I am. But i remember having a conversation with a work collegue, and i said to her “Im quite shy really.” She looked at me, laughed and said “No you’re not!” I still think I am. ---
**Author:** ![Ichini\_Sanshigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/d9b06d/32.png) [@Ichini\_Sanshigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ichini_Sanshigo)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/58 "2010-02-02T17:39:14Z")
> [@hobscrk777](#): > > I’m not shy, although I think I give off that impression IRL. People mistake my misanthropy for shyness. I think I’ve got a mixture of shyness and misanthropy. Sometimes I’m anxious about talking to people, other times I’m just not motivated to do so. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/59 "2010-02-02T17:44:24Z")
I am quite introverted but not the slightest bit shy. I enjoy public speaking and have to do it regularly for my career. I am not ashamed of my confidence or assertiveness. But I am definitely introverted. I find socializing in small groups to be exhausting. I am perfectly comfortable either one-on-one and in front of an audience; both situations energize me and I enjoy them quite a bit. I also do fine at parties where I have some _purpose_, like gladhanding, networking, making sure influential people are aware of my work, etc. But I find small group settings to be extremely tiring when I have no real purpose other than socializing and meeting people. I’ll make small talk for a few hours but then like **panache** , I just sort of crash and have to get out of there. I have trouble talking to people and might come off as shy, or more likely, just supercillious. I try not to go out of my way to avoid these sorts of situations; it’s an extrovert’s world, and sometimes you just have to cowboy up. But I don’t exactly love them. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909/60 "2010-02-02T21:10:53Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > Obviously not. > > If I were told I was going on stage in one minute, that I’d have to give a speech in front of an audience, my only question would be “What subject?” Amen, my brother. If anything, my lifework is focused on shutting up and not trying to suck the air out of the room so other folks can talk. I am always surprised that folks don’t find life as…continuously interesting (?) as I seem to, making connections between what is going on around them and wanting to discuss them. Very ADHD / “ooo shiny” but it has served me well in work and life 😉 But, as others have said, I am not a social guy - when I am not working or performing, I generally prefer to be alone - I can think of few things I like more than a full day by myself with my books and my guitars… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-you-shy/526909.md?page=4)