# Are young singles relationship-averse? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 15, 2023, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203 "2023-11-15T19:29:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Jay\_Z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Jay\_Z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jay_Z)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2024, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/241 "2024-05-08T22:08:35Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > ? Cite? [Doesn’t seem to be true for women.](https://archive-yaleglobal.yale.edu/content/should-women-stay-single) It’s true for women if they remain married. Once divorced, the numbers aren’t good. Plus remarriages end in divorce far more often than first marriages. But women who remain married do outperform singles or divorced. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2024, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/242 "2024-05-08T23:10:59Z")
Interesting cite but the source of its claim regarding life expectancy is a 2003 article that seems to be an atypical finding. For example: [https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827320302792?via%3Dihub](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827320302792?via%3Dihub) > [@](#): > > Consistent with many previous studies ([Chiu, 2019](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827320302792?via%3Dihub#bib7); [Kaprio et al., 1996](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827320302792?via%3Dihub#bib22); [Martikainen et al., 2014](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827320302792?via%3Dihub#bib28)), our investigation demonstrated that married persons have a significantly greater life expectancy and active life expectancy as compared to unmarried persons from age 65 to 85 for both men and women. This protective effect of marriage with regard to life expectancy lessened with age and disappeared among participants greater than 85 years old, a finding seen by other investigators, too ([Rendall et al., 2011](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827320302792?via%3Dihub#bib31); [Johnson et al., 2000](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827320302792?via%3Dihub#bib19)). Although marriage was protective for both men and women from age 65 to 85, the effect was greater for men in absolute values as well as relative percentages. Additionally, both married and unmarried men were more likely to spend a higher proportion of their future life years married as compared to married and unmarried women, respectively. This would mean that a married woman would be far more likely to become a widow, as opposed to a married man becoming a widower and, not surprisingly, investigators have found that older men are more likely to remarry as compared to older women ([Cleveland & Gianturco, 1976](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827320302792?via%3Dihub#bib8); [Federal Interagency Forum on Aging-Related Statistics, 2016](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827320302792?via%3Dihub#bib12)). > > Regarding subgroups of unmarried persons, our analyses demonstrated that never married persons had the shortest life expectancy in all ages among men, while never married, divorced, and widowed persons had a similar, and shorter, life expectancy among women. The apparent protective impact of marriage is more for males than females but seems to be there for both genders. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/243 "2024-05-09T00:27:27Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Maybe stop taking reality shows, and your one friend group of socially-conformist people from a very narrow socioeconomic demographic, as a blueprint for life success for all of humanity, though? There are many different ways to be a happy and fulfilled human being. A real man does not seek to be a “happy and fulfilled human being”. A real man seeks MORE. ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/244 "2024-05-09T00:46:40Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > A real man does not seek to be a “happy and fulfilled human being”. A real man seeks MORE. Poe’s Law in action! ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/245 "2024-05-09T13:39:20Z")
I have a friend who just turned 50. He feels pretty bad about the fact he doesn’t have a wife or kids, and he hasn’t achieved much as a writer either. I’m not sure how to comfort him other than to say I like him as he is. He is a kind, thoughtful person with a gift for understanding what makes a compelling story. The tragedy is that he doesn’t see those things as valuable. It seems like no matter how many societal hoops you jump through, marriage, kids, buying a house, etc there’s always something else you’re supposed to be doing. But I’m really happy with my life so I’m not sure I’m a good example of the fact that you can have those things and still feel like you’ve wasted your life. But I know you can have those things and still feel like you’re behind everyone else. It’s all about perception. ---
**Author:** ![Jay\_Z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Jay\_Z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jay_Z)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/246 "2024-05-09T15:20:00Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I have a friend who just turned 50. He feels pretty bad about the fact he doesn’t have a wife or kids, and he hasn’t achieved much as a writer either. I’m not sure how to comfort him other than to say I like him as he is. He is a kind, thoughtful person with a gift for understanding what makes a compelling story. The tragedy is that he doesn’t see those things as valuable. If you look at the mortality tables I think the single life is in the end more difficult. Despite “less stress.” Also despite a lot of media emphasizing the toxic nature of relationships and deemphasizing the positive aspects. There is a lot of media push to individualize and not see any value in tradition or more conventional relationships. But in the end I think we want someone else to care. As we age, our parents pass on and that aspect is gone. It can be difficult without other relationships. It’s why I keep dating as a 50 something, I’m aware of what the other road holds. ---
**Author:** ![jjakucyk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3d9bf3/32.png) [@jjakucyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjakucyk)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/247 "2024-05-09T16:09:25Z")
> [@Jay\_Z](#): > > If you look at the mortality tables I think the single life is in the end more difficult. Is it because “we want someone else to care” or is it simply because a two-person household allows one to person to help out while the other is sick or recovering from an illness or injury, or that there’s more chance of someone being able to call for help in an emergency like a heart attack or stroke? I can see it being some of both, but the practical consideration may be more important than the emotional one. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/248 "2024-05-09T16:42:07Z")
> [@Jay\_Z](#): > > But in the end I think we want someone else to care. As we age, our parents pass on and that aspect is gone. I expect to die alone. Most of my friends are older than me. Statistically there’s a decent chance my husband will die first. My son, I really don’t know what to expect from him, he’s still young, but I just don’t know if he will have the will or ability to help care for me. I don’t have a relationship with my parents or many people in my family. I don’t have nieces and nephews (though I do have a niece coming… But she will live in another state.) I can understand why we would want it to be otherwise, but I think a lot of people die alone, even those with kids. I think it’s a part of life for most people. I used to intern at a nursing facility and you didn’t see those folks getting lots of visitors, but they talked about their children so I know they had some. Sometimes I wonder if we are all just trying to cling to the possibility that we can escape the inevitable: decline and lonely death. Some people try to fill that hole with marriage and kids, others with chosen family, and I can’t fault them for that but I wonder if it’s not all in vain. I know that sounds pretty pessimistic but I don’t really mean it that way. Maybe there’s a way to make peace with it. ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/249 "2024-05-09T17:06:26Z")
> [@jjakucyk](#): > > I can see it being some of both, but the practical consideration may be more important than the emotional one. It’s fairly critical I think. Having seen the travails of folks dealing with elderly or otherwise compromised spouses/parents in the medical system and having done some of that myself, you really need an advocate when you become partially disabled. Whether it be physically, mentally or both. It’s a long-term if low-key worry for me for sure (having no kids of my own). I have nieces and nephews that seem to like me okay, but whether they are going to want or be able to be physically present helping with myriad potential problems is an open question that I have no intention of asking. Because that’s a big and rather unfair ask. ---
**Author:** ![Jay\_Z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Jay\_Z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jay_Z)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/250 "2024-05-09T17:21:01Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I can understand why we would want it to be otherwise, but I think a lot of people die alone, even those with kids. I think it’s a part of life for most people. I used to intern at a nursing facility and you didn’t see those folks getting lots of visitors, but they talked about their children so I know they had some. My mother died at 98 in memory care. But she lived into her 90s in her own home. She was with my father until he died at age 71. She had her kids, people at her church, peer relatives that she could be in contact with. Yes, if you live long enough you will eventually die more or less alone. But you have more time to not be so alone. Whereas people whose relationships are poor quality or non-existent are already experiencing years of aloneness much earlier, then trying to transition to an old age where they are still alone. I think the accumulated years take a toll. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/251 "2024-05-09T17:26:28Z")
I think you’re right. Loneliness is bad for people. It’s really one of the greatest if not the greatest factor in overall life satisfaction. I don’t, however, think people who are single are necessarily condemned to live a lonely life. They might be more likely to be lonely, but that’s not a given. I’m sorry if you feel lonely. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/252 "2024-05-09T17:42:58Z")
> [@Jay\_Z](#): > > Whereas people whose relationships are poor quality or non-existent are already experiencing years of aloneness much earlier, then trying to transition to an old age where they are still alone. I think part of the issue here is conflation of “aloneness” with “loneliness”, as Spice\_Weasel notes. The fact of being a single person living on one’s own doesn’t automatically imply that one’s relationships are “poor quality or non-existent”, although of course for many single people that is indeed the case. Some people like living alone, and maintain fulfilling relationships and activities that don’t require sharing a household on a daily basis. I think that’s hard for many people who don’t like living alone to relate to, and they project their own dissatisfaction with single life onto the essential nature of singlehood in general. Don’t get me wrong, I think a truly happy marital or marital-ish partnership of some kind is definitely the happiest way of life for the vast majority of people. But at the same time, millennia of patriarchal society being built on male-dominated marriage have really built up a societal bulwark of prejudice against other potentially happy ways of life. ISTM that the more we try to build up the positive aspects of the life we have, and improve them by pursuing the things we really want, the better overall life satisfaction we’re going to get. It seems a pity that so many people rat-race themselves into chronic dissatisfaction by setting arbitrary goals that they think they have to attain before they’re “allowed” to be happy. “I gotta get married so that I don’t become the old single guy in the bar! I gotta have kids so somebody will look after me in my demented old age! Now that I’m divorced I gotta get remarried so that I won’t die alone!” Look, if those are things somebody really wants, then they should absolutely go for them. All I’m saying is that I don’t think it’s good to pursue them primarily out of fear and dread of the alternatives. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/253 "2024-05-09T17:56:59Z")
> [@jsc1953](#): > > I am far removed from being either Young or Single…but I thought the point of dating was to eventually find a meaningful relationship. Sometimes. LOL I myself enjoy the single life. It’s a lot easier being free to live however you want than to maintain a meaningful relationship and raise a healthy family. Sex is much less complicated than love. I have a friend who has been using a dating site literally for years. Many of the people there are NOT looking to meet “the one” and enter a permanent relationship. They are, in fact, “serial daters” who just go through the process time and time again without it ever leading to something more. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/254 "2024-05-09T18:03:00Z")
I guess what I want to say is that having a spouse and children doesn’t necessarily protect you from loneliness either. I have had chronic loneliness my entire adult life. It isn’t necessarily determined by how many people you have around you, or even how close you are to those people. I think some people just tend toward loneliness. ---
**Author:** ![Jay\_Z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Jay\_Z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jay_Z)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/255 "2024-05-09T18:05:59Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Some people like living alone, and maintain fulfilling relationships and activities that don’t require sharing a household on a daily basis. I think that’s hard for many people who don’t like living alone to relate to, and they project their own dissatisfaction with single life onto the essential nature of singlehood in general. The “single” group is always going to contain some “single not by choice” people. Some of these will be people with some sort of disability that makes it difficult for them to find a partner. That is going to drive down the averages. While there are people in unhealthy, unhappy relationships, I am assuming that relationships overall are beneficial to both parties, so the average relationship is beneficial to a participant. So they should probably score better than single people who are able to be as happy as people in a relationship, plus other single people who are not happy with their single status. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/256 "2024-05-09T18:17:39Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > ISTM that the more we try to build up the positive aspects of the life we have, and improve them by pursuing the things we really want, the better overall life satisfaction we’re going to get. Yes. There are downsides and advantages to being single. And there are downsides and advantages to being married/partnered. Whichever situation you’re in: try to concentrate on the advantages of that one. Concentrating on the advantages of the other and the downsides of your own is going to make you miserable. Possible exception if you’re just about to change status. If you’re doing so deliberately: try to consider advantages and disadvantages of both. > [@Jasmine](#): > > I have a friend who has been using a dating site literally for years. Many of the people there are NOT looking to meet “the one” and enter a permanent relationship. They are, in fact, “serial daters” who just go through the process time and time again without it ever leading to something more. I hope they’re honest about that. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/257 "2024-05-09T18:47:48Z")
> [@Jay\_Z](#): > > While there are people in unhealthy, unhappy relationships, I am assuming that relationships overall are beneficial to both parties, so the average relationship is beneficial to a participant. So they should probably score better than single people who are able to be as happy as people in a relationship, plus other single people who are not happy with their single status. And yet, [data don’t seem to support that hypothesis,](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202102/why-so-many-single-women-without-children-are-happy) as far as women are concerned. > [@](#): > > According to [happiness](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/happiness) expert Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioral science at the London School of Economics, women who are single with no children are the happiest. Dolan explains says that while men derive benefits from [marriage](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage), the same cannot generally be said for women. > > Dolan explains that men benefit from tying the knot because they “calm down.” They become less inclined to take risks, earn more money, and live longer. But the same results do not benefit married women. In fact, Dolan notes that married men tend to be healthier due to less [risk-taking](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/sensation-seeking), but marriage apparently does not impact women’s health—except to the extent that middle-aged married women have an elevated risk of both mental and physical conditions as compared with their single counterparts. Dolan concludes that “[t]he healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children." I think your general supposition that people in relationships ought to be happier (because if a relationship wouldn’t make them happier they wouldn’t have entered the relationship; as opposed to singledom which is the default state) is sound. But I think it neglects the fact that many people (and, traditionally, especially women) enter relationships due to social and cultural pressures more than to enthusiasm about that particular relationship. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/258 "2024-05-09T20:27:19Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > I think your general supposition that people in relationships ought to be happier (because if a relationship wouldn’t make them happier they wouldn’t have entered the relationship; as opposed to singledom which is the default state) is sound. But I think it neglects the fact that many people (and, traditionally, especially women) enter relationships due to social and cultural pressures more than to enthusiasm about that particular relationship. I think that also a lot of people enter relationships because they expect that particular relationship to make them happier. Sometimes this works, but sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, it’s sometimes due to social and cultural pressures having caused them to ignore signs that it wouldn’t; but sometimes it’s due to the fact that people very often change, and the two who were well matched at 17 or at 27 or at 37 may not be a good match ten or twenty or thirty years later. (And occasionally it’s due to one or even both of them having been lying about who they were.) Sometimes of course people change in compatible directions; or are comfortable with their partner having changed in what may not immediately appear to an outsider to be a compatible direction. I’m not saying that change always ruins a marriage; sometimes partners are still happy with the relationship. Sometimes they may even be more so. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2024, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/259 "2024-05-09T22:28:29Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > And yet, [data don’t seem to support that hypothesis,](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202102/why-so-many-single-women-without-children-are-happy) as far as women are concerned. Can you point to the data there? I’m seeing claims of a “happiness expert” with a citation that leads to more claims by the expert but no links to any actual data. Maybe I’m missing it? I mean either way wouldn’t surprise me but a “happiness expert” saying something isn’t enough. ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2024, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203/260 "2024-05-10T00:16:56Z")
> [@Jay\_Z](#): > > The “single” group is always going to contain some “single not by choice” people. I fit into this category throughout my twenties. Extreme social awkwardness, insecurity, and a total inability to read signals led me to believe I was pretty much undateable. And why would anyone want to date anyone with those traits? Once online dating became big business I probably could have gotten initial dates, But the inability to read signals would probably have reared its head after that point. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/are-young-singles-relationship-averse/993203.md?page=14)