# Army letter part 2 - help me write the 'Soldier's Form Letter from Home' **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 10, 2004, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/army-letter-part-2-help-me-write-the-soldiers-form-letter-from-home/239278 "2004-04-10T04:32:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2004, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/army-letter-part-2-help-me-write-the-soldiers-form-letter-from-home/239278/1 "2004-04-10T04:32:25Z")
As requested by **Cinnamon Girl** in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=4739796#post4739796), I’m putting together the follow up letter to the ‘Lazy Army Husband’s Form Letter (Home)’. This letter will be _from_ home. Here’s what I have so far (most of the jokes contributed by **Cinnamon Girl** ): Dear: \<\>Sweetheart \<\>Honey \<\>Asshole \<\>Sperm Factory \<\>Child of my loins, that I/your mother labored \_\_\_\_\_ hours to birth I’m writing this letter to tell you: \<\>I miss you \<\>I’m leaving you for the mailman \<\>you owe me money \<\>I’m pregnant \<\>The sink is stopped up again \<\>I’ve thrown out your Barcalounger \<\>I ran over your dog/cat. The \_\_\_\_\_ are great, but the dog/cat: \<\>is listless and sleeps all day and all night in your empty Barcalounger \<\>had 12 puppies/kittens \<\>was put down due to rabies \<\>has taken to peeing in your shoes (he misses you so) \<\>is squashed beyond all recognition I got a letter from the IRS yesterday. They: \<\>are auditing us \<\>are giving us a big fat refund check \<\>are still wondering why we haven’t filed our taxes for the past two years. (I know you’ve been busy and all) \<\>have determined our ‘married filing jointly’ status is bogus since the Federal government doesn’t recognize civil unions. Thanks to the paychecks you’ve had deposited directly to our joint account: \<\>I got a boob job/penis enlargement \<\>the kids have been enrolled in expensive private schools \<\>I’m headed to Bermuda with the mailman \<\>I bought you a big screen TV (and I’ve got my eye on a leather Barcalounger with built-in fridge and massage functions.) While you’re gone, I spend my days: \<\>pining away, counting the hours until you return \<\>watching the grass grow \<\>enjoying all the extra time I have now that I don’t have to cook for you or do your laundry \<\>on [Match.com](http://Match.com) \<\>tanning for that trip to Bermuda \<\>searching for a new dog/cat \<\>playing Halo on your X-box These jokes take up 1/2 a page, so I have plenty of room for more. So, my amazingly funny doper buddies, show me whatcha got! ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2004, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/army-letter-part-2-help-me-write-the-soldiers-form-letter-from-home/239278/2 "2004-04-10T05:35:21Z")
You might also be interested to learn: \<\>I’m taking Karate classes \<\>your pedicure guy has been asking about you \<\>I have a new recipe for brocolli/mushroom casserole \<\>your son was arrested for indecent exposure \<\>your daugher ran off and joined the circus \<\>the mailman loves your Barcalounger and your clothes fit him perfectly! ---
**Author:** ![NovoTiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b38774/32.png) [@NovoTiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NovoTiro)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2004, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/army-letter-part-2-help-me-write-the-soldiers-form-letter-from-home/239278/3 "2004-04-10T06:16:23Z")
You laugh but it’s already been done! Well, at least the other way around… [http://my.inil.com/~jimvgill/wwipages/notes/fspc\_001.html](http://my.inil.com/~jimvgill/wwipages/notes/fspc_001.html) ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2004, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/army-letter-part-2-help-me-write-the-soldiers-form-letter-from-home/239278/4 "2004-04-10T12:08:46Z")
I need your: a) warm, throbbing cock b) PIN number c) honest opinion – does my ass look big in this dress? d) death to look like an accident e) signature on the divorce papers as soon as possible * * * Do you think it’s a good idea if we sell your fishing boat to buy a new dinette set? \<\> Yes \<\> Yes Good, because I already did. * * * I bet you could use some thought puzzles to take your mind off the fighting. Here are a few for you. Unscramble the words to discover the secret messages: M’I LEAVNIG YUO FRO TEH PPAERBOY. UYO AERN’T HTE CHLIDERN’S BIOLOGCIAL FTAHER. I SEPNT LAL UOR LFIE SVAINGS BYUING LPA DNACES RFOM SRTIPPERS. OYU’RE LUOSY NI EDB. ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2004, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/army-letter-part-2-help-me-write-the-soldiers-form-letter-from-home/239278/5 "2004-04-10T14:14:10Z")
I have been sleeping with: the milkman the postman your brother/sister other I have sent you something special: cookies photographs of the kids photographs of myself photographs of your brother/sister and myself divorce papers ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2004, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/army-letter-part-2-help-me-write-the-soldiers-form-letter-from-home/239278/6 "2004-04-11T02:24:50Z")
> [@nocturnal\_tick](#): > > I have been sleeping with: > > the milkman the postman your brother/sister other \<\>all of the above ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2004, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/army-letter-part-2-help-me-write-the-soldiers-form-letter-from-home/239278/7 "2004-04-11T11:26:46Z")
Your son is \_\_\_\_ Missing you Taking your car out at night Drinking your \ In a Juvenile Detention Centre On hard drugs Your daughter is \_\_\_\_ Thinking of you Shoplifting Having unprotected sex - with Bikers in your house for money Pregnant Also on hard drugs Joining a religious cult You should \_\_\_\_\_ Be proud of them Stay overseas Come home with the shotgun