# As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 28, 2000, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046 "2000-08-28T16:11:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/21 "2000-08-28T18:56:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Saint Zero \* > \*\*Guys, don’t bother filling up the car, okay? I’ll do it when you get back. And I’ll replace that starter, too. \*\* No problem. And I forgot to tell you that I accidently broke your glasses. You MIGHT be able to see shapes, but that’s probably not much help. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Talkinsquirrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f6c823/32.png) [@Talkinsquirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Talkinsquirrel)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/22 "2000-08-28T18:57:27Z")
If you run into the basement with a psycho drill weilding maniac chasing after you, you pretty much deserve to die you moron. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/23 "2000-08-28T18:58:43Z")
> [@](#): > > BUT… always take the new people’s names and put them in reverse. You never know when Alucard will turn out to be Dracula. Also, carefully sound out any strange names. E.g., “Louis Cyphre” = “Lucifer”. Evil beings are big on word play. ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/24 "2000-08-28T19:00:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by spoke- \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > BUT… always take the new people’s names and put them in reverse. You never know when Alucard will turn out to be Dracula. > > Also, carefully sound out any strange names. E.g., “Louis Cyphre” = “Lucifer”. Evil beings are big on word play. \*\* So if the guy’s name is B. E. Ville…that’s bad? ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/25 "2000-08-28T19:16:00Z")
Do not go into the basement to investigate that strange noise, especially after the power has gone out. When the police start the phone conversation with “we’ve traced the call” don’t bother sticking around to find out where it’s coming from. If you see Jamie Lee Curtis, leave the area immediately. Don’t date the shy teenage girl who’s mother is obsessed with religious artifacts. (Corollary) Pig’s blood is never an enhancement to the Prom. ---
**Author:** ![DuhMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@DuhMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DuhMan)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/26 "2000-08-28T19:17:17Z")
Don’t bother screaming at the people who are in danger. No matter how loudly you yell, they will never EVER hear you. Save yourself, your friends are already dead. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/27 "2000-08-28T19:23:16Z")
If the phone is not working, do not bother tapping the hang-up button 20-30 times and yelling into the phone. Just drop the phone and run very fast. ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/28 "2000-08-28T19:28:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by xizor \* > \*\*If the phone is not working, do not bother tapping the hang-up button 20-30 times and yelling into the phone. Just drop the phone and run very fast. \*\* Yeah, but WATCH where you’re running. Big, mean, crazy people are usually pretty tall and well-built. And they have a strange tendancy to take that kind of thing personally. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/29 "2000-08-28T19:29:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by struuter \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Saint Zero \* > > \*\*Guys, don’t bother filling up the car, okay? I’ll do it when you get back. And I’ll replace that starter, too. \*\* > > No problem. And I forgot to tell you that I accidently broke your glasses. You MIGHT be able to see shapes, but that’s probably not much help. Sorry. \*\* Damn, I’m screwed! I’ll just stand here and yell. Maybe that’ll help. (I acually wear glasses… ROTFL) ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/30 "2000-08-28T19:35:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Saint Zero \* > > Damn, I’m screwed! I’ll just stand here and yell. Maybe that’ll help. (I acually wear glasses… ROTFL) > \*\* Great mental image! But you’ve got to yell something really meaningful…like, “Hey!..Hey, guys!..Guys?..Okay! This is NOT funny!..Guys?..” And stamp your feet a lot. It’s sure to scare that drooling psychopath away. And wave your arms out in front of you…yeah, that’ll work. Hey…when I get back from my fun frolic in the haunted woodlands, I’ll go with you to get contacts. Sound good? Now…where’d I put that other white t-shirt? Bra? Nah, I won’t need it… ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/31 "2000-08-28T19:41:31Z")
OK, so for the specific things listed above, who can name the movie? I mean, any old horror flick has helpless, shirtless girls running through the woods and tripping over dead trees, but how many have clowns in sewers? And the answer is… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stephen King’s It, of course. “We all float down here!” So who can name those specific incidents listed herein? Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/32 "2000-08-28T19:41:39Z")
If you are running from a slasher, and your companion falls down, **don’t** stop to help them up. Who are you to interfere with natural selection? If you hear music in a minor key, trouble is brewing. Keep watching the skies! If your garden produces an enormous pod, _ **do not** _ make plans to enter it in the county fair. Stick that sucker with a pitchfork and then toast it like a marshmallow. For some reason, serial killers in movies only use knives, and never guns. Take advantage of this knowledge, and come to the fight with superior firepower. Turn some lights on, for crying out loud. Why fumble around in the dark like all these other horror movie losers? ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/33 "2000-08-28T19:42:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Saint Zero \* > \*\*Guys, don’t bother filling up the car, okay? I’ll do it when you get back. And I’ll replace that starter, too. \*\* You can have a brand new starter, in a brand new car, towing 100 gallons of gas with a fuel-line directly conected to the cylinders - **DO NOT** attempt to escape a psycho by getting in a car. It will not start. Your best bet is to run, psychos usually have a limp. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/34 "2000-08-28T19:43:48Z")
Just remember this, no matter how fast you can run, and no matter how many embankments you slide down, a psychopath will always be able to keep up with you by just walking briskly. ---
**Author:** ![AETBOND417](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@AETBOND417](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AETBOND417)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/35 "2000-08-28T19:45:48Z")
Know your Bible and mythology like the back of your hand. You never know when the “new guy in town” is really a demonic killer who steals your children. Linoge —\> Legion —\> Mark V (Storm of the Century). Also, if you are to find yourself lost in the woods at night, you’re likely to die then and there. You’re probably going to make a run for a nearby road or house. The car that stops for you on the road will contain the killer and the house will likely seem safe, but you’ll be killed and, in all likelyhood, gutted and hanged on the front porch or in a nearby tree. ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/36 "2000-08-28T20:05:13Z")
If their is a knife-brandishing psycho in your house, do not run upstairs. If you are running in the woods, find a place to hide your butt- don’t keep on running and breathing heavily. If you are a teenager and you are not an alpha male or a cute female, run away. Especially if you are a best friend of one or the other. (Unless you’re the killer.) If it is the anniversary of someone’s death who you were close to/involved with, get out of town. If the college you attend had a legendary massacre, transfer your butt. If someone calls your house and you don’t know who it is, star 69 their ass, call the police, and get out or hide. If you’re a low ranking member of some organization with a distinct hierarchy, never trust your superiors. Splitting up is for those tired of breathing. If you do split up, though, don’t draw attention to yourself by yelling other people’s names. It’s really much better if you just shut up. ---
**Author:** ![Lux\_Fiat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bc79bd/32.png) [@Lux\_Fiat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lux_Fiat)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/37 "2000-08-28T20:34:03Z")
> [@](#): > > If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. “Dad, can I go out and play?” “Now Timmy, it’s Friday. Did you catalog all your Berlitz tapes?” “I’ll do it later, Dad!” “You’ll do it right now, young man, or you’re not going anywhere. We don’t want Daddy accidentally sawing your head off and shoving a wooden cross through your ribcage just because you forgot to tell him that you’re learning ancient Sumerian this week, now do we?” “I guess not.” “That’s right. Run along, now.” ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/38 "2000-08-28T20:45:25Z")
Beware of people with physical deformities. It usually means they are evil. Esprix - if we’re in Stephen King’s It, then the only solution is for me to deflower everyone who came into the tunnel with us. ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/39 "2000-08-28T20:48:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by magdalene \* > \*\*Beware of people with physical deformities. It usually means they are evil. > > Esprix - if we’re in Stephen King’s It, then the only solution is for me to deflower everyone who came into the tunnel with us. > > \*\* Or ride them on your bike–reeeeeeeeaaaallllly fast. ---
**Author:** ![KJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b2d939/32.png) [@KJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KJ)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046/40 "2000-08-28T20:54:20Z")
If someone you know died, and then you see them walking around, either get the hell away from them or shoot them, because they aren’t really alive. No, it’s not just a noise, or just your imagination, it is really a ghost. And either way, you’re safer if you get the hell out of the house. [major hijack] When I saw the title of this thread, I thought of that tower puzzle. I forget the name of it, but the object of the game is that there are 3 pegs, and on one of the pegs is a tower made of stacked discs that are bigger on the base and smaller towards the top. You must move the discs from one peg to another, but you are only allowed to move one disc from the top of a tower at a time, and you cannot place any bigger discs on top of a smaller one. It’s pretty fun, and I made a TI-82 calculator version (it really beats doing school work in school.) Anyway, according to some ancient legend, there is some special version of this game made out of gold and brass, that has 64 discs. According to the legend, (BTW, I think the only people allowed to do it were the successors of some emporer), whenever the game ended, the world would end. Fun, eh? But here’s the thing; the equation for the minimum number of moves based on the number of discs is (2^n) - 1, where n is the number of discs. Needless to say, 2^64 is a _huge_ number, my calculator can’t even calculate it without going into scientific notation. Which means that if there was one move made every second, 24 hours a day, every day indefinately, it would take _32 billion years_ for the puzzle to be completed. And the projected lifespan of the sun in our solar system is only around 5 or 10 billion years. How about that, eh? [/major hijack] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/as-a-general-rule-dont-try-to-solve-puzzles-that-open-portals-to-hell/31046.md?page=3)