# Asexuality: What do you think? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 26, 2006, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978 "2006-03-26T18:37:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/21 "2006-03-27T16:30:45Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > Or they may simply be masturbating like a motherfuck. You may be onto something. If sex exists as a means of reproduction, why has it become something _recreational_? That’s why God invented masturbation. Who knows how to bring you pleasure better than yourself? Want to avoid STDs? Not ready for unwanted pregnancy? Then, by all means, masturbate. Doing so “like a motherfuck” is optional. ---
**Author:** ![MizGrand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cdc98d/32.png) [@MizGrand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MizGrand)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/22 "2006-03-27T17:40:38Z")
Place me on the side of take it or leave it, preferably leave it. It’s become a chore. Just this morning I told Hub, and I quote: “Honey, I KNOW you want to have sex on the weekend. I KNOW you’d have sex every day if I let you. I KNOW THIS. Could you maybe, try to go a month or so without telling me? No, I’m not saying we’ll go a month without sex, I just want to see how I feel if you don’t ask. I feel pressured when you ask, like clockwork, every weekend. When I feel pressured I shut down. Can we try??” I really hope this helps. I, too, don’t really like to be touched sexually. I love me a good butt/back rub though. Just don’t go wanderin’ while doing so. I’m very affectionate with my children, but can’t bring myself to be very affectionate with Hub of 14 years. I’m 40. I’ll mention too that I’m the 15.5 yr recovering alkie, so needless to say, I’ve already had TOO MUCH sex. Like **Bites When Provoked** , my husband is also one of the only who’ve brought me “there”. What I don’t understand though is this. For the greatest part of my sex experiences (many) I never would come. I faked it, a’la porn star moans and thrashing about to get it over with quick. Never wanted another round, as it were. But I was horny from the get-go. I wanted it, and bad. When I started dating my husband-to-be, I’d get aroused and want sex, but fall into that faking it game which usually ruined it for me. Shortly before we were married I made the huge mistake of answering him when he asked how many lovers’ I’d had. I halved it, but it was still really scary. I sobbingly also admitted that I’d been faking it all along. I was unsure he’d still want to marry me. He did. Shortly after that we began working on my orgasm. They started to happen. A good thing, but still, meh take it or leave it. Now that I’m on Zoloft I never feel anything even close to desire. I can’t arrive at all! The problem is now I REALLY have no reason to have sex at all. I placate my husband. I owe him that much. Oh well. I have a fabulous life and a wonderful, loving & responsible husband & two gorgeous sons. I want for hardly anything. Sometimes that voice in the back of my head tells me my husband deserves way better than me… ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/23 "2006-03-27T17:52:37Z")
I just want to point out, that your desire levels are quite likely being influenced by Zoloft. Sexual side effects are very common side effect of anti-depressants. So, for the purposes of this discussion, I don’t think you “count” as asexual. You once had desire but at the moment you don’t, most likely due to medication. You are not asexual as a lifelong preference, unless I am greatly misunderstanding you. You are just having an “low sexual desire phase” at the moment. I went through a phase where I had little desire for sex. “Take it or leave it, mostly leave it” definitely described it. Once I changed my birth control to a different formula, desire returned. ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2006, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/24 "2006-03-28T10:17:39Z")
> [@Omniscient](#): > > I realize I’m not exactly equiped to go around defining people or anything, but I’m left to wonder if it’s accurate to consider people in your position “asexual”. I can appreciate enjoying sex but not having it high on your priority list, however it seems to me the fact you do have sex, albeit rarely, and enjoy it pretty much puts you outside the definition of asexual. > > I don’t suppose you’re exactly a fair comparison to a person that has never desired sex at all and fins the act itself particularly unpleasant. Fair enough - it depends on the way you’d view the word, I guess. As far as sex goes, I don’t really think about it, never fantasise about it, and want it over in 10 minutes or less… which strikes me as ‘asexual’. If anything would put me outside that definition it’d be, I think, the fact that I’m definitely skewed hetero. I think perhaps a _true asexual would have no bias either way, but the idea of cuddling or kissing another woman … that actually squicks me out_\*. I don’t want the sex, but I definitely love the look and feel of a man - and, of course, the middle of the night ‘spoon and prod’ thing. I love that. It’s all kinds of happy-comforting, even though I don’t want to turn around and bonk. 😃 # I don’t avoid sex because I think it’s icky, horrible or whatever - I just don’t want it. I’ll avoid it if possible, but if I have to have it\*\*\* I’ll enjoy it fine _once I’ve started_ - but it’s not something I want or need on a physical level at all. - Yes, I like kissing. Affectionate kissing. Not deep kissing - I do not like that _at all_. In fact, for anything affectionate, I’m THE gal. And I loooove massages and back/head/butt scratches, and anything that’s pure sensory indulgence. \*\* Which, incidentally, goes a long way towards my view on homosexuality - that most of us are just wired how we’re wired and nothing much’ll change it. There seems little point to Ma Nature having wired me purely for guys when I don’t have any drive towards intercourse, but that’s just the way it is. \*\*\* And I try to make an effort, because I realise the psychological benefits of sex as a bonding thing between husband and wife - plus, there’s nothing asexual about my husband; I’m very lucky he’s so understanding! ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2006, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/25 "2006-03-28T17:40:36Z")
> [@Charger](#): > > Then, by all means, masturbate. Woohoo! ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/26 "2006-03-29T00:22:12Z")
I am a woman whose sex drive is much like a stereotypical male drive, and I can’t imagine being indifferent to it. However, lilke **nevermore** , when I’m with someone who doesn’t do it for me, I don’t want to have sex with them and I lose interest. It’s like being hungry but not wanting to eat mediocre food. I’m a gourmand. Sex is important to me. It’s not THE most important thing in a relationship or in life, but it’s something I value and yeah, when I’m not getting it, I think about it. Masturbation is something to tide you over, not a replacement for sex itself. In fact, it’s a bit disappointing. Much more fun to have company. On one level, I feel sorry for people who aren’t into sex. It’s a hell of a lot of fun. OTOH, I’m rather jealous at times, since my libido often leads me astray and is quite distracting. ---
**Author:** ![Phantom\_Dennis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/51bf81/32.png) [@Phantom\_Dennis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phantom_Dennis)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/27 "2006-03-29T03:06:18Z")
I was on antidepressants for several years, and they effectively rendered me asexual. The literature on SSRIs seems to suggest that the sexual side-effects are mechanical (erectile disfunction, inability to reach orgasm), but what I experenced was a nearly complete obliteration of my sex drive. Visual stimulation is a relativley large factor influencing my sexual responce, which I guess makes me a stereotypical male, yet I could look at any form of visual erotica and have one of two responces: “Meh, I’d rather be looking at a nice landscape” or “Ew, gross”. I had a girlfriend at the time, but sex was a chore that I usually fullfilled out of obligation. I still enjoyed non-sexual tactile expressions of affection – hugging, cuddling, and to a lesser extent, kissing. That’s probably what kept our relationship together, because she could definitely tell that something was wrong in bed, and it was a source of disappointment for both of us. I speak for myself when I say I don’t really enjoy sex with a person who’s not enjoying it as well, but I assume many people share this trait. I did not enjoy being asexual, although I wouldn’t call the experience devestating – just somewhat annoying. Lacking such an essential human quality made me feel a bit alienated from 90% of the population. I guess losing the desire to have sex was like having one of the items on my “reasons to live” list crossed off. Not a major one, like “enjoying food”. Maybe something closer to “enjoying a good novel”. I don’t mean to offend those with naturally low sex drives; this is just a my experience and personal opinion. If I’d never had a normal male sex drive to begin with, I probably would not have missed it. In fact, after a few years on SSRIs, I’d nearly forgotten what it was like to enjoy sex, and coming off the meds was a rather exciting (pun not intended, but duly noted) experience. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/28 "2006-03-29T04:37:17Z")
I don’t have much of a sex drive anymore. I was really voraciously into sex in my early 20s. Then when I met a guy I was totally in love with but who didn’t want to have sex, I said ok and we just did other stuff and didn’t have sex. I was really worried when I met him that I wouldn’t be able to refrain from sex. But I did it. I turned something off. And this guy is long since gone and I can’t seem to switch it back on. It’s frustrating for the partners I’ve had since. When I was seeing the no-sex guy we got really into doing intense workouts together (and separately) including martial arts and sparring. Instead of having sex, we’d beat the crap out of eachother in his backyard, or run, or do a lot of pushups. Eventually my “sex drive” was replaced by an “any sweaty, grueling activity drive”. When we stopped hanging out, I continued to do a lot of activities myself. My sex drive is slowly coming back around, but for the most part I am not horny. I find that in the weeks when I don’t have a really good sparring session, I am definitely more horny. But not to the point of DESIRE really, more to the point of “I don’t mind if we have sex.” I’m not asexual, then. Just found a good replacement for sex. ---
**Author:** ![New\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/46a35a/32.png) [@New\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/New_Girl)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/29 "2006-03-29T22:25:03Z")
> [@nevermore](#): > > I don’t see why the multitude of biological factors in creating sex drive couldn’t conspire to just… not create a significant one. if it’s possible for people to have brain chemistry resulting in depression, or mania, or any other abnormality, it’s certainly possible to have the same resulting in lack of interest in sex. > > for my part, I think that at least some asexuality in those who have experienced sex is due to the quality of the experience. up until a few years ago, I was having some extremely lackluster sex. I had a sex drive, though minimal, but I always viewed sex as this nagging sort of obligation to my partners. I think the major change came when I finally lost my inhibitions about masturbating. I was having boring sex because I didn’t even know how to get myself off-- how could I instruct a partner, who doesn’t know the ins and outs of my particular anatomy or sensitivity, to do the same? > > so, since I started having _good_ sex, my sex drive has skyrocketed. I understand where the “meh” feelings are coming from; sex really can be pretty blah if you don’t have the right ingredients (for me emotional connection is chief among those). I think for many people there’s a significant challenge in finding the right combination of those ingredients, and for some of those, the pursuit of the discovery is so frustrating that they just give up. > > at any rate, if you truly are happy being asexual, and you don’t question or doubt yourself because of it, who is anyone else to tell you anything about it? as always, make sure that you are listening to your own mind; beyond that, if you are happy, you are on the right path. Sorry to be unprofessional, but I need to get it out of my system. Yay! What a great opinion! ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/30 "2006-03-29T22:27:31Z")
> [@chaoticbear](#): > > Woohoo! Don’t you mean “WOOOOOO!”? ---
**Author:** ![New\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/46a35a/32.png) [@New\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/New_Girl)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978/31 "2006-03-29T23:54:32Z")
Well, in any case I do not under any circumstances consider myself asexual. But after I had a particularly hurtful breakup quite recently (February 13th, to be exact) my stamina just hasn’t been the same. Our relationship had been very physical and very intense. I was satisfied at the time, but now I just can’t seem to get turned on properly. Every time I think about any of the sexual scenarios that I used to fantasize about I get angry and think about how degraded men make me feel and start interpreting sexual positions and practices into ways that men ‘get over’ on and disrespect women. While I know that there are men who want to love and be loved, I’ve so often heard guys talk horribly about the girls they’ve had that I now feel so disgusted that I can’t even separate the two and just want to throw in the towel. So i suppose at the moment I am asexual but I hope someday to cure myself of this dilemma or seek out someone who will respect me despite my gender. Maybe I should have made this a new thread. Who knows. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/asexuality-what-do-you-think/349978.md?page=1)