# Ask a 23 year old virgin anything **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 28, 2015, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707 "2015-06-28T16:20:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2015, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/41 "2015-06-28T23:49:33Z")
> [@HandsomeGorilla](#): > > Fair enough. I’ve already got walking upright cowered. I’m currently working on natural non-forced eye contact. From the sounds of it you have a much more serious problem than one that can be taken care of by faking confidence. I am not a doctor or making any medical recommendation, but I think you should be seeing a doctor and it sounds like you may need some kind of behavioral modification therapy also. If you can form a relationship with someone who is aware of your issues you may reach a breakthrough point. It sounds like you’ve been in a lifelong cycle that reinforces itself as you attempt and fail breaking out of your shell. If people actually do treat you differently it’s because your problems are apparent, but it may be just a matter of perception on your part. Many people have to deal with these problems at a lower level, I can assure that most of the confidence people display in life is either faked or comes from ignorant bliss. I hope you pursue more treatment. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2015, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/42 "2015-06-28T23:51:07Z")
> [@HandsomeGorilla](#): > > I had to leave university due to unbearable social anxiety and depression. So what are you doing about it? You sound as if you believe that your situation is hopeless, but your belief is what is making it so. What do you stand to lose when you have nothing? Try something, even if you think it won’t work. You don’t have the experience to judge that reliably and it’s a cop out. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/43 "2015-06-29T00:01:24Z")
Do you aspire to a particular goal, and is there any talent you are good at and could develop? What would you describe as your best skill, talent or ability? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/44 "2015-06-29T00:12:52Z")
What kind of constructive things have you done to improve yourself? What kind of constructive things are you currently doing? Have you ever been in therapy? Or ever read a self-help book? ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/45 "2015-06-29T00:45:24Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Do you aspire to a particular goal, and is there any talent you are good at and could develop? What would you describe as your best skill, talent or ability? Apart from study and qualification goals nothing else. Unfortunately I don’t have any talent I could develop. I’m ashamed to say I don’t have any real skills. ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/46 "2015-06-29T00:47:52Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > So what are you doing about it? > > You sound as if you believe that your situation is hopeless, but your belief is what is making it so. What do you stand to lose when you have nothing? Try something, even if you think it won’t work. You don’t have the experience to judge that reliably and it’s a cop out. I can’t do anything about it, it really is hopeless. I might be depressed, I don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/47 "2015-06-29T00:51:30Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > What kind of constructive things have you done to improve yourself? > > What kind of constructive things are you currently doing? > > Have you ever been in therapy? Or ever read a self-help book? I am studying a new profession and I have passed a few exams. In terms of improving myself nothing at all. I was in therapy 2 years ago for an extended amount of time but it didn’t help. Medication hasn’t helped either. ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/48 "2015-06-29T00:56:26Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Another question: What advice would you give to another person if they were in your exact same 23-year-old-virgin situation? ‘Just accept your fate. No pretty girl will ever be attracted to you.’ ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/49 "2015-06-29T01:10:57Z")
> [@beowulff](#): > > **What _is_ it with these threads?** No, ask rather **What _is_ it with all these posters on this supposedly liberal, enlightened message board who treat posters like this OP and others similar, with such hatred, contempt, and insults that no leper in Jesus’s day ever had to endure?** And why do the mods so quietly tolerate and enable the level of jerkish animosity that we see every time a thread like this happens? (No, I’m not calling the above-quoted poster a jerk in particular. I’m calling practically everyone (well, a whole lot of them anyway) who posts in these sorts of threads jerks, especially in that thread yesterday.) MODS: WHY do you let this go on like this? (Please don’t ask me to take it up in ATMB. This post is part of THIS conversation.) ETA: Okay, just skimmed this thread. Not as bad as what we usually see here. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/50 "2015-06-29T01:14:20Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > No, ask rather **What _is_ it with all these posters on this supposedly liberal, enlightened message board who treat posters like this OP and others similar, with such hatred, contempt, and insults that no leper in Jesus’s day ever had to endure?** > > And why do the mods so quietly tolerate and enable the level of jerkish animosity that we see every time a thread like this happens? (No, I’m not calling the above-quoted poster a jerk in particular. I’m calling practically everyone (well, a whole lot of them anyway) who posts in these sorts of threads jerks, especially in that thread yesterday.) > > MODS: WHY do you let this go on like this? (Please don’t ask me to take it up in ATMB. This post is part of THIS conversation.) ``` Thank You, ``` ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/51 "2015-06-29T01:17:31Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > Thank You, it makes me wonder how pure some of the liberal motives really are if they can so easily turn on a weakened comrade. Note that I added an ETA line to my post while you were posting this. TL;DR: This thread isn’t as bad the kind of hostile hatefulness we _usually_ see in “these kinds” of threads. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/52 "2015-06-29T01:27:24Z")
It’s just not the big deal the OP is making it out to be. There are plenty of 23 year old virgins. I myself was a virgin for considerably longer than that. I’m not sure when I finally lost my virginity – I might have been 30 or 31. Now, at the age of 53, it seems remarkably insignificant. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/53 "2015-06-29T01:40:45Z")
> [@HandsomeGorilla](#): > > I can’t do anything about it, it really is hopeless. I might be depressed, I don’t know. Kid, you’re 23. You may _feel_ hopeless, but your situation is not. You can hide under the bed or choose to face your fears and start taking steps to have the life you want. There is plenty you can do about it, regardless of your baseless certainty that it won’t work. What else do you have to do? ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/54 "2015-06-29T01:42:08Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > Note that I added an ETA line to my post while you were posting this. TL;DR: This thread isn’t as bad the kind of hostile hatefulness we _usually_ see in “these kinds” of threads. After I posted I went back and read all the threads I realized this thread was not as bad as the others as you now state. I edited my post. ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/55 "2015-06-29T02:30:35Z")
I’ve been there. I was a virgin until 22, and after my first girlfriend and I broke up (because I realized I only dated her out of desperation; we had nothing in common) I only had two or three dates the next 6 years. I was terrified of rejection and couldn’t read signals that might have indicated interest. I was decent looking, in great shape, and gainfully employed. I had zero self confidence, which I’m sure was a big turnoff. I moved to a different part of the country (NYC) right before I turned 30 and finally started dating some. Still, after being dumped by someone I was very interested in I was convinced I’d be alone forever. It was then that I met the woman I’ve been with almost 20 years. She made it very obvious she was interested, which nobody had done before. Could I do better knowing what I know now? Probably not. Maybe it’s time to give therapy another shot. It’s hard. I’ve been there, and every time I see one of these threads I wish there was something I could do. I could have easily started one back in the days of the SD Usenet group. The folks who were in that group are probably glad I didn’t, because I took negativity to unheard of heights. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/56 "2015-06-29T03:07:32Z")
Well, interpreting the OP as a stealth ask-for-advice, here’s the stuff I wish I could tell the 23-year old me: It’s a comforting fiction that many guys tell themselves (and friends reinforce) that all you need to do is be more confident in approaching people, then everything will be OK. But the fact is, if you really lack experience to that degree, you have a lot of catching up to do in understanding everything _after_ the approach. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get out there and get the experience. More specifically on the approach: [ol] [li]Build social skills by going to social events (note: nightclubs are amongst the worst choices for this) and engaging strangers in conversation; lots of people, not just hawt girls[/li][li]Take an interest in people. That doesn’t mean pretending to be interested in everything they say, or asking them millions of questions. It means paying enough attention to what someone is saying that you could feedback something they said 5 minutes ago.[/li][li]Don’t try to show off / brag, but conversely don’t lead with something negative – no-one will date you out of pity.[/li][li]If you do find yourself talking to a hot girl, don’t “latch on” to her. Let other people into your conversation, or go talk to someone else for a bit. [/li][/ol] I’m 36 now, and look like shit, but I am much more successful with girls than I could have dreamed of being when I was 20-something, simply because now I do the above 4 things. ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/57 "2015-06-29T06:14:56Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > Kid, you’re 23. You may _feel_ hopeless, but your situation is not. You can hide under the bed or choose to face your fears and start taking steps to have the life you want. There is plenty you can do about it, regardless of your baseless certainty that it won’t work. What else do you have to do? I dont feel motivated to do anything to fix this situation because whenever I start, the pain of loneliness is too hard to bear so I just give up. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 9:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/59 "2015-06-29T09:20:47Z")
> [@sesilia](#): > > IMHO, many twentysomething men are single because their sexual market value is low. At that age girls are attracted to good looking jocks. You could visit Asia where your value is higher. Many older men even get foreign brides when they have realized that they don’t have nothing what women want in their own countries. Good luck! 🙂 Sorry but I think this is pretty poor advice. Firstly, most guys will be at their peak of good-looking jock-ness when they are in their 20s, so they should find it disproportionately easy to date such women if your observation were correct. Secondly, my experience has been quite different; that basic social skills are what many 20-something guys lack. As I alluded, I look like crap, but I have no problem meeting girls, even at events that are packed with good-looking guys. Because many of those guys will be douches, or will make one of the mistakes I listed. Finally, it’s true that location makes a big difference when it comes to the dating scene. And if you live in some scatty little village (scatty’s an adjective, right?) where everyone is fighting over the same pretty girl, then move. But as the OP hasn’t mentioned such an issue, I can only assume he’s in a place where he has opportunities to meet girls. Moving to a place with more opportunities won’t address the root causes of his problems (e.g. giving up), and he’ll probably still struggle. ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/61 "2015-06-29T10:01:02Z")
My main issue is that I don’t believe any form of self improvement will work to attract a woman, so I don’t bother attempting anything. It’s like a self fulfilling prophecy. I need to somehow get away from this line of thinking but I cant force my brain to break free from it. ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2015, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707/62 "2015-06-29T10:04:19Z")
> [@sesilia](#): > > I’m a 22yo woman and bad looks - not social skills - are the most common thing among single men in my college campus. Also, some men get sexier as they age. Interesting. If I were to PM you a few of my pics, would you be able to rate me on a scale of 1 to 10? Are you able to be objective and honest? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-23-year-old-virgin-anything/723707.md?page=4)