# Ask a young woman whose husband recently died **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 8, 2012, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249 "2012-05-08T05:15:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2012, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249/61 "2012-05-15T02:14:05Z")
De nada, I hope it helps you like it helped me. My first post was about sheets of all things. I’d had a hospital bed, in the living room, and as he was diapered, there were many many bed changes. Afterwards, I slept in bed finally (after 3 mos. on the living room floor) but I couldn’t change my sheets. I washed them until they started tearing, but I couldn’t get in the linen closet for more. I asked on WN, and told them I feared I had lost my mind. They said, no, silly, you are in shock and grieving, so take those sheets to Goodwill or bin them, and get new. > [@](#): > > Did you ever feel like nobody would understand your pain, even women who have lost their spouses? > I feel like that at times. Of course. Everyone’s grief is completely individual and even in the co. of others in your situation, you are totally alone with it. ---
**Author:** ![MrDurden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ed655f/32.png) [@MrDurden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDurden)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249/62 "2012-05-16T05:35:23Z")
> [@Stendhal\_Syndrome](#): > > She showed up from out of state for the service. I had never met her. I had heard about her, spoken to her a few times on the phone and we are friends of facebook, but nothing beyond that. She decides to drop in right after she lands and rents a car, at around 11 pm the day before the service. She doesn’t call before she comes. We all were expecting her to do something ridiculous because she had started drama right after she had heard about his passing. > > So here she is…sitting in our family room. I am the only one awake. I am tired and I have been crying all day. I cannot think straight. She asks me wake Isis up so she could see her and I say no. Then…the first thing that comes out of her mouth after that “So how did he die? Did he abuse drugs or pain meds or something? What happened?” > > Ummm…what…? Who…? Did you just say that to me?:eek: > > Then she continues to make a list of demands: > > Can I drop by the funeral home tomorrow because I would like to see him before cremation? > um…no! We had decided that only family members and very very very close friends who are like family would get to see him and nobody else. > Can I have an unwashed shirt of his or something? I would like to smell him and take it back with me. > um…hell to the no! > … > No… no! > > And on and on… > > Then she sends me a text calling me a liar and something about karma and being a bad influence on my children and blah blah blah… > > She did show up to the service. She was watched keenly by staff and family. > She gave me a hug at the end of the service and whispered, " I am sorry for being an asshole…" and ended it with the typical insensitive comment, " but I knew him for a long time…":rolleyes: > > Haven’t heard from her since and don’t really care very much for her. I am sorry for you loss and realize this is an insanely emotional and stressful time. But I can’t help reading this and relating to that woman at least a little bit. I had a similar thing go on when someone close to me died. And something you might want to realize is that other people knew, loved, and cared for your late husband deeply before you came into the picture. I see this as someone who maybe was an ex-lover or very close friend and just wanted to say goodbye and get some closure herself. Your husband loved you, married you, and had your children and Im sure you were the most important person in his life. That, however, does not mean he was not an important person in other people’s lives even if you did not know them well. Consider this before you condemn this girl. ---
**Author:** ![Stendhal\_Syndrome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/77aa72/32.png) [@Stendhal\_Syndrome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stendhal_Syndrome)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249/63 "2012-05-16T06:11:30Z")
> [@MrDurden](#): > > I am sorry for you loss and realize this is an insanely emotional and stressful time. But I can’t help reading this and relating to that woman at least a little bit. > > I had a similar thing go on when someone close to me died. And something you might want to realize is that other people knew, loved, and cared for your late husband deeply before you came into the picture. I see this as someone who maybe was an ex-lover or very close friend and just wanted to say goodbye and get some closure herself. > > Your husband loved you, married you, and had your children and Im sure you were the most important person in his life. That, however, does not mean he was not an important person in other people’s lives even if you did not know them well. > Consider this before you condemn this girl. Oh…I do understand that there were other people in my husband’s life who knew him before I did. I however do not appreciate the stress she put me and my family through on the day of the service and before that. Also, there is a lot of things I didn’t mention in my post about this woman because it is not relevant. And, no…she wasn’t an ex-lover. 😃 My husband probably shuddered …where ever he is at the moment. The thing to be understood here is that this is not a competition. I am not competing with her or anyone to see who is suffering the most pain and heartache. She wanted to make this a competition. I have many of my husband’s friends, who knew him from way before I did, continue to text me and we have our ways of grieving together. I am glad they are still part of my life. I however, refuse to do it with this woman after what she put me and my family through since the time she heard about my husband’s death. And that’s all I have to say about it. I am sorry you were in a similar situation. I hope you found your closure. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249/64 "2012-05-16T14:14:53Z")
> [@Stendhal\_Syndrome](#): > > Oh…I do understand that there were other people in my husband’s life who knew him before I did. I however do not appreciate the stress she put me and my family through on the day of the service and before that. > > Also, there is a lot of things I didn’t mention in my post about this woman because it is not relevant. And, no…she wasn’t an ex-lover. 😃 My husband probably shuddered …where ever he is at the moment. > > The thing to be understood here is that this is not a competition. I am not competing with her or anyone to see who is suffering the most pain and heartache. She wanted to make this a competition. > > I have many of my husband’s friends, who knew him from way before I did, continue to text me and we have our ways of grieving together. I am glad they are still part of my life. I however, refuse to do it with this woman after what she put me and my family through since the time she heard about my husband’s death. > > And that’s all I have to say about it. > I am sorry you were in a similar situation. I hope you found your closure. My mother had a stroke that basically killed her brainstem. My siblings and stepfather were in the ICU, having to decided about removing life support, etc. Grieving, mourning, shellshocked. My aunts and uncles were there, being supportive and inobtrusive. And this _casual friend_ of my mother’s (her realtor, if that gives you an idea of their relationship) pushes her way into the tiny ICU cubical and is weeping and pushing her way through family to be at my mother’s bedside. It was so beyond appropriate, and we just weren’t in a place mentally where we could ask her to leave, that this was for family only. Some people have no sense of proportion, etiquette or tact. StG ---
**Author:** ![Orca\_Eyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4491bb/32.png) [@Orca\_Eyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orca_Eyes)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2012, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249/65 "2012-05-22T02:17:15Z")
My school’s social worker (a very wonderful woman. Her name’s Maria) lost her first husband when she was 28. Her husband was only 27. The man (I think his name was William) had died after he broke his neck badly. They had a 6-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. It was hard for Maria. She never expected that she would be widowed so young. It was especially hard for their kids, since they didn’t have their dad anymore. Maria showed me a lot of her husband’s old stuff, such as the medals he won for competitive diving when he was in college, as well as some of his drawings. She said that he was a really nice guy. Maria is 39 now, and she got remarried five years ago. Her new husband is nice, but she still misses her old one. ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2012, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249/66 "2012-05-22T19:30:34Z")
I am curious as to where \*\*Stendhal Syndrome \*\*is willing to let this “ask me” thread go to. **Orca Eyes** : Of course she misses here ‘old one’. I want to know if Stendhal Syndrome is willing to let this thread go on for a long time. (?) I also would like to know if she is put off by people talking about next husband’s already, because I am (and I am married to a widow). It doesn’t seem right. Sounds outrageous, IMHO, to even make mention of it. Preposterous to even chime in about it. . ---
**Author:** ![Stendhal\_Syndrome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/77aa72/32.png) [@Stendhal\_Syndrome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stendhal_Syndrome)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2012, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249/67 "2012-05-24T04:30:55Z")
\*\*Philster \*\*thanks for having my back.😃 When I started this thread, I was looking to receive support and also maybe provide support to anybody who needs it. I was also looking for a place to talk about my experiences and ongoing struggles and hear from people from a variety of backgrounds and situations give advice, or talk about their own experiences, including new/next husbands, or even just to say that they were thinking about me and my girls. It has all meant a lot to me. I also had a chance to vent, which was great. I don’t know where I want the thread to go. But I am really not offended by people talking about the new/next husband even though it is far far far from my mind now. I guess it is because I have so much going on in my life at the moment other than just grieving. It has been chaotic. I also do understand why people are talking about it. It does reflect hope, and for us human beings, ending up in a decent loving relationship with a significant other after tragedy or loss is a sign of hope and happy endings are good. At least, that’s how I am seeing it. Those stories make me happy for the people who experienced them. Like I said, finding someone to replace Jesse is the last thing on my mind. Well…frankly it is not even on my mind. I am constantly thinking about ways in which I could hold on to him forever and ever. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2012, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249/68 "2012-05-24T12:32:34Z")
Your courage is an inspiration. My best friend is visiting for two weeks. He is from California, he is closer to me than a brother. He has been an incredible help around the house. We are having a blast. We are taking a road-trip to Maine in a couple of days. We laugh, talk, sit quietly at times, cry, talk about girls and BBQ. His wife of 30 years departed this world last September. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-a-young-woman-whose-husband-recently-died/621249.md?page=3)