# Ask an Elf Just Back On The Job **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 1, 2001, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914 "2001-11-01T15:14:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Spritle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Spritle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spritle)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/21 "2001-11-01T20:07:38Z")
When I was 14 I went to the mall and sat on Santa’s lap. He started rubbing my thigh a lot and asking me if I was a good boy or bad boy. When I told him I was a good boy, he said, “You know, sometimes Santa likes to get to know a bad boy every now and then.” Then he said something about “coming _up_ my chimney” and “filling my stocking”. I could have sworn he got a boner. What’s up with that? ---
**Author:** ![Joyfulgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f04885/32.png) [@Joyfulgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joyfulgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/22 "2001-11-02T01:31:54Z")
Dear EJNOTJ [sup]If that IS your real name[/sup], Is there any truth to the rumors that you are, in fact, Santa Claus posing as an Elf so you can voice your opinions (AKA Drunken tirades) without having to deal with the consequences? Also, what is your response to the allegations of 150 elderly citizens who have recently charged Saint Nick of theft, stating: “He would come into the house pretending to bring presents for the grandchildren, while [his] elves would ransack the house for valuables, used toys, and food. When questioned, he would mutter something about ‘Christmas Spirit’ and ‘Season of Giving’ while hastening his return through the chimney.” Oh, and I’m still getting that new bike, right? ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/23 "2001-11-02T01:37:04Z")
Now we know the TRUTH about my Glenlivet! Jolly Old Elf, my ass! ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/24 "2001-11-02T02:30:17Z")
First let me address the impertinence of Joyfulgirl and Spritle IF THOSE ARE YOUR REAL NAMES. You…will not be getting a bike or anything else this year. Why? We don’t give bikes to slanderers. That’s why. I’m getting tired of the accusations around here. What happened to the good natured requests for Barbies? Carnivorous: if you don’t want the liquor stolen, lock it up! How simple do we have to make this process? Fredge: Knecht is retired but living in my basement…by…choice. AbeBabe: Santa does not collect Brains. You have him confused with the Easter Bunny, but I’ve already said too much. And now excuse me for a moment, we’re having trouble down in video game dispersement. jar ---
**Author:** ![Apollyon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/apollyon/32/4238_2.png) [@Apollyon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollyon)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/25 "2001-11-02T03:13:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by screech-owl \* > **What would happen if one of the reindeer got sick or injured during the flight? … Does he have spare herds in grazing spots all over the world in case, say, one of the critters conked out over Paraguay?** No doubt **jarbaby’s** explanation of rest breaks in the sleigh is correct, but in the case of a more permanent injury Santa would probably have other options. Presumably flying ability is either imparted by the _Santa Sleigh_ or by proximity to the big guy himself, as flying is not a standard reindeer trait. If, as you say, one of them “conked out over Paraguay”, Santa would have the option of offering a unique career change opportunity to a member of the local fauna. A _Marsh Deer_ would seem an ideal choice for those climes (or a _Llama_ if heading to Chile next), whereas a _Capybara_ would probably not be chosen due to its size, nor an _Ocelot_ or a _Jaguar_… for obvious reasons. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/26 "2001-11-02T03:18:01Z")
Back to the drinking problem and this foot high GI Joe I got last year that plays the piano…would a sober Santa think \* anyone\* would want a \* twelve inch pianist?!\* ---
**Author:** ![Joyfulgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f04885/32.png) [@Joyfulgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joyfulgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/27 "2001-11-02T03:19:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*First let me address the impertinence of Joyfulgirl and Spritle IF THOSE ARE YOUR REAL NAMES. > > You…will not be getting a bike or anything else this year. Why? We don’t give bikes to slanderers. That’s why. I’m getting tired of the accusations around here. What happened to the good natured requests for Barbies? > \*\* Ahem. Need I remind you that these are _valid_ questions? Ok, let’s forget all the nasty business about the rumors and mean things being said about SC. Instead, let’s focus on the real question: Last year, I had a bike! Come Christmas morning, it’s gone! What happened to my bike? Hmmm? I demand a replacement. ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/28 "2001-11-02T03:40:51Z")
1. What do you think about these guys? [Professional Association of Santa’s Elves](http://www.paseelves.org/) 2. Do elves look like they do on that site, or do they look like [this](http://img-www.theonering.net/movie/preview/images/28_0201.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![Spritle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Spritle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spritle)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/29 "2001-11-02T12:59:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Osiris \* > \*\*Do elves look like they do on that site, or do they look like [this](http://img-www.theonering.net/movie/preview/images/28_0201.jpg). \*\* Hellooooooooooo Federal!! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/30 "2001-11-02T13:38:00Z")
Ms. Elf– Bosda Di’Chi, reporter for the _Daily Weekly Midnight Star And Bigfoot Report_ **COUGH! COUGH COUGH!** [sub]pleeze excuse the cough, everybody in our Florida office has it since we got that package, wonder why?[/sub]. Any comments on the continuing Juvenile Court problems that Mr. & Mrs. Claus’ daughter , **Ms. Jingle Belle Claus** has been having? Any comments on her alleged offer to pose for Mr. Hefner? Any comments on her very dubious but extremely cool website? Link– [http://www.jinglebelle.com/](http://www.jinglebelle.com/) Are the rumors of **Ms. Jingle Belle Claus** consorting with US Air Force personnel at NORAD Radar stations true? Did she, in fact, steal an Air Force helicopter for a joyride, then crash it into the base commander’s office? Are the rumors of **Ms. Jingle Belle Claus** being seen in a bar with President Bush’s daughters true? Did she, in fact, empty the hotel’s entire stock of eggnog? And , is it true that **Ms. Jingle Belle Claus** taught the Bush daughters to drink? Will the young Ms. Claus be attending military school anytime soon? And, what about Naomi? ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/31 "2001-11-02T14:01:18Z")
Is Santa an [alien](http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=001224)? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/32 "2001-11-02T14:13:37Z")
Do the elves look like [this?](http://us.imdb.com/EGallery?source=ss&group=0120737&photo=1-32288.jpg&path=gallery&path_key=0120737) If so, do you need any computer geeks at the North Pole? I’ve got my own computer. ---
**Author:** ![Pucette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/278dde/32.png) [@Pucette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucette)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/33 "2001-11-02T16:39:54Z")
Ok people need to really STOP with the LOTR pictures. I’m whimpering over here, and I won’t be able to stop whimpering until December 19th. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/34 "2001-11-02T16:47:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Abe Babe \* > \*\*Oh, yeah, I want a Red Ryder Carbine Action, 200 Shot, > Range Model Air Rifle \*\* You’ll put your eye out, kid… ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/35 "2001-11-02T17:01:27Z")
So let’s get started: First of all, most elves do not look like bizarre Tolkien characters. Girl elves are between 4’11" and 5’7", all have bright green eyes and auburn hair. They don’t gain weight no matter what they eat, and have a very low tolerance for alcohol. They have a penchant for French Onion Dip and Rice Pudding. Boy elves are between 5’0" and 5’9" (bigger than you’d think…ahem). They also have green eyes and brown hair, and six pack stomachs, and nice biceps. Elves have perfect vision and hyperdeveloped tastebuds. They can also grip small objects with their toes. JingleBelle…is a handful. And she needs all of our support right now as she tries to deal with her life in, indeed the most famous family on the planet. She’s trying to find her place in the world, and trying to decide whether she wants to live among humans, or elves. There are advantages to both, but being immortal, that’s a lot of rent to pay. Joyful and Spritle, I apologize for my snippishness towards you during yesterday’s press conference. I have informed Santa of my misbehavior and he has agreed that this year, in addition to your gifts, you will receive $25 gift certificates to Outback Steakhouse. jar ---
**Author:** ![rfsgrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/90db22/32.png) [@rfsgrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rfsgrl)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/36 "2001-11-02T17:05:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jr8 \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Abe Babe \* > > \*\*Oh, yeah, I want a Red Ryder Carbine Action, 200 Shot, > > Range Model Air Rifle \*\* > > You’ll put your eye out, kid… \*\* Damn damn damn… you stole my comment **jr8** ohh well that is what i get for taking tooo long… I can already hear \*\* Randy\*\* yelling \*\* Ralphieeeeee\*\* in that wonderful whiney voice… ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/37 "2001-11-02T17:08:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*(bigger than you’d think…ahem). > > \*\* …which makes this _pianist_ thing all the more bizzare. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/38 "2001-11-02T17:16:08Z")
Green eyes, auburn hair, low tolerance for alcohol… I think I would like to purchase one of these female elves. Would Santa consider selling one to me, FOB his workshop? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/39 "2001-11-02T17:19:30Z")
Elf slavery is not something we condone, although there is a black market for them. Female elves are fascinating, they are unable to lie, can wiggle their noses and hardly ever get crabby. We do make an INFLATABLE girl elf, but only boy elves seem to be interested. jar ---
**Author:** ![ultress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7c8e57/32.png) [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/40 "2001-11-02T17:23:05Z")
So what happened to the Nancy Nurse doll that Santa was supposed to bring me when I was 10. I was like a perfect child all year long and he promised, not once but twice. Come Christmas, no Nancy Nurse. It scarred me for life. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914.md?page=3)