# Ask an Elf Just Back On The Job **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 1, 2001, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914 "2001-11-01T15:14:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/41 "2001-11-02T17:28:36Z")
ultress, I think you’re forgetting the “macaroon situation” of early September in that year. Perfect child indeed. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/42 "2001-11-02T19:21:10Z")
_frosty demeanor_ I hope you remember me from our last meeting. You remember it? The one in which you ran from true answer to hide in the shadows of dirty attacks and threats. Well, even if you have, I haven’t. So, now that the Republicans are firmly entrenched in the White House and appear to be intent on letting the Attorney General establish a police state in the United States, how will this effect the measuring of naughty and nice? Remember, the FBI will now have the ability to detain all ‘suspicious’ foreigners for any reason whatsoever. And no one is more foreign than the big guy. Does Santa have a plan for dealing with his arrest and imprisonment by the new “Homeland Protection” division of the United States Government? Oh, and with Santa’s previously avowed “People of all faiths get Christmas presents” policy and the easement of the ‘coal delivery’ policy for the naughty, what exactly will the members of Al Qaeda and The Taliban (not to mention the big ‘O’) be receiving for Christmas this year? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/43 "2001-11-02T19:31:39Z")
_shuffling papers again_ _raised eyebrow_ Mr. Chance. We meet again. Your insistance to drag the Claus corporation through the mud with your moral outrage is growing tiresome to say the least. It’s ridiculous to ask whether the Taliban will receive Christmas gifts. They will. They will be cleverly disguised as ‘bunker bombs’. BWAHAHAHAHA… Oprah gets nothing. She is richer than Forty Santa Clauses put together. She can get her own damn dog sweater or whatever it is she wants. the FBI AND John Ashcroft are very familiar with Santa, and would not arrest or detain him. He’s about as foreign as a needle in Robert Downey Jr.s arm. jar ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/44 "2001-11-02T19:42:21Z")
I think you underestimate Mr Ashcroft. Don’t forget how his opponent in last year’s Senatorial election ‘accidentally’ went to his reward last year. And Santa is CLEARLY foreign. The United States doesn’t claim the north pole. No one does. That makes him sovereign in his own right doesn’t it? So don’t try to blow past me on this one. I’m watching you like Gary Hart watches co-eds. And I don’t care about Oprah. I was speaking of Osama there. He claims to be a good, religious kinda guy. But at least we’re together on the whole…bunker bomb thing. ---
**Author:** ![Spritle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Spritle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spritle)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/45 "2001-11-02T21:17:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\* Joyful and Spritle, I apologize for my snippishness towards you during yesterday’s press conference. I have informed Santa of my misbehavior and he has agreed that this year, in addition to your gifts, you will receive $25 gift certificates to Outback Steakhouse. > \*\* Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your damn bribes to yourself, elf chick. You still haven’t answered my question? What’s up with Santa and the “friendly routine”? Huh? Is he interested in me or not? I gave him my number and he still hasn’t called. Hell if you want my number, is it so odd that I just might think my phone will ring sometime in the next 11 MONTHS?!?!?!?! Talk about courtesy! I’m desirable and all, sure I could work out a bit more, but Santa didn’t seem to mind. Tell him that he’s a big shmuck and I hope Blitzen gas noxious gas Christmas Eve!!! Take that, whydoncha. Wait, I didn’t mean that. I was just upset. Have him call me. I’ll be waiting. I understand that he’s a bit busy now, but just a quick “hello” or something. Spritle [sub]I love it when he calls me his little 'ho-'ho-'ho.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Spritle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Spritle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spritle)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/46 "2001-11-02T21:19:28Z")
[major hijack] Hey, **JC** , the Dope-a-ween thread is on its eleventh page!!!. That’s gotta be a record. Mods, can we get a ruling here? [/major hijack] ---
**Author:** ![Nymaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d9b06d/32.png) [@Nymaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nymaz)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2001, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/47 "2001-11-03T00:58:27Z")
> [@](#): > > Boy elves are between 5’0" and 5’9" (bigger than you’d think…ahem) Geeze, Jar, I didn’t think you’d push the company line like that - I mean, what happened to elf solidarity? How many times did I hear that phrase when certain others on my line would skimp on quality control (you know who I’m talking about), but when the fat boy comes down hard on you, suddenly my pointy eared brothers are no where to be found. “Sorry, Nymaz, new OSHA rules say no elf taller that 5’9 and I can’t make an exception.” Bull! I checked, and since the 1971 Elf Hazards and Safety publication they’ve said NOTHING. And oh, how convienient that at 5’10 I’m ONE INCH too tall. Yah, right! Oh, I’m sure that XMas in July party earlier this year had nothing to do with it… yeah, I was tipsy, so were a lot of people. You were there, you know what was going on (“bigger than you think” - yeah I saw you and Fitzcleatualpat in the corner) and for the record, I was Ms. Claus that came on to ME not the other way around. You know how she gets when she drinks. You can tell mister red suit that he’ll be hearing from my lawyer. Lets see how far he gets this year with a lien on his sleigh! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2001, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/48 "2001-11-03T01:19:18Z")
Yes yes…and here we have a classic example of ‘disgruntled elf’ Perhaps you’d like to explain the three KILOS of cocoa powder we found in your steamer trunk? Or maybe the cases of disposable green contact lenses? Maybe you’d like to explain how Zapf Chancery’s bank account was emptied, only seconds after he told you his PIN? You are not an elf. You are a liar and a thief and a lousy lover ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2001, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/49 "2001-11-03T01:26:00Z")
Why was Santa kissing my mommy? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2001, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/50 "2001-11-03T01:33:05Z")
He was whispering a secret in her mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Lodrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@Lodrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lodrain)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2001, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/51 "2001-11-03T01:42:00Z")
Can Santa give me a new host body? This current one’s not really up to standards - it’s fifteen years old, bad knees from a past of tripping on crossties while jogging on railroad tracks and has bad hair. I’d like a pale, deathly-skinny shell with black hair and blue eyes. A nice voice and the ability to control involuntary functions would be nice, too. Maybe telekinesis and the ability to read and transmit thoughts, as well. If that’s not possible (because sneaking body parts through Customs is a pain) - can I have a couple of thousand bucks and a ticket to Europe? I’ve been good. You can go to Germany with me, if you like (although you’re an elf - must have _some_ sort of vacation time). I swear I’ll be good and won’t eat much and won’t make too much noise, honest! ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2001, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/52 "2001-11-03T05:01:34Z")
Did Santa play himself in the classic documentary _Santa Claus is Coming to Town_ or did they hire a stand-in? And how come he was so cranky around the time of Rudolph’s birth (ref. the documentary _Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer_)? ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2001, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/53 "2001-11-03T05:59:25Z")
I know Santa’s elves have a tendancy for cutsie names. But tell me the truth, that’s all a fascade right? Elves are really named things like Bob and Mike not Tiddlywinks and Higgledegee, right? ---
**Author:** ![OxyMoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9a140/32.png) [@OxyMoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OxyMoron)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2001, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/54 "2001-11-03T14:48:37Z")
How many languages does Santa speak? Or do the reindeer translate for him? ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2001, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/55 "2001-11-03T23:03:14Z")
So, if elves are immortal, and as good looking as described they probably do it like rabbits, won’t they over run the world? They will take all the food, all the internet bandwidth and keep all the good movies rented. We should kill them now, while we still can. Nuke the Pole! ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/56 "2001-11-04T02:58:43Z")
Do you know this song? > [@](#): > > [sub]by Die Toten Hosen[/sub] > > _Glaubt mir, ich hab den Weihnachtsmann > Mit eigenen Augen gesehen > Er ist zur Zeit bei uns im Haus > Und hält sich dort versteckt > Er riecht nach Äpfeln und nach Schnee > Er kommt wohl grad aus seinem Wald > Seine Augen sehehn so traurig aus > Ihm ist bestimmt ganz kalt > Hört mir irgendjemand zu, > der Weihnachtsmann ist hier bei uns > Er hängt auf dem Dachboden rum > Ich glaub, er braucht Hilfe und ist in Not > Plätzchen, Nüsse und Geschenkpapier > Sind wild auf dem Boden zerstreut…_ ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/57 "2001-11-04T03:24:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* > \*\*Do you know this song? > \*\* You post a furrin song, and they plan World Domination. Fine. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/58 "2001-11-04T03:38:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by carnivorousplant \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* > > \*\*Do you know this song? > > \*\* > > You post a furrin song, and they plan World Domination. > > Fine. \*\* I actually have a greater fear of _Weltherrschaft_ from the man-eating plants than from jolly old elves. Perhaps its a PR thing. [sub]besides, I’m sure they use contraceptives[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/59 "2001-11-04T04:25:33Z")
Glaubt mir, ich hab den Weihnachtsmann I am glad that I have a wine not man. Mit eigenen Augen gesehen With my eyes I saw Er ist zur Zeit bei uns im Haus Is their a Zeit in the house? Und hält sich dort versteckt And stop the versteckt, you Dork! Er riecht nach Äpfeln und nach Schnee There ain’t no right apples and no ocean. Er kommt wohl grad aus seinem Wald I went to grad school to see the woods. Seine Augen sehehn so traurig aus The eyes saw an Australian traurig. More exciting translation tomorrow. Ihm ist bestimmt ganz kalt Hört mir irgendjemand zu, der Weihnachtsmann ist hier bei uns Er hängt auf dem Dachboden rum Ich glaub, er braucht Hilfe und ist in Not Plätzchen, Nüsse und Geschenkpapier Sind wild auf dem Boden zerstreut… ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914/60 "2001-11-04T04:46:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by carnivorousplant \* > Glaubt mir, ich hab den Weihnachtsmann > I am glad that I have a wine not man. > > Mit eigenen Augen gesehen > With my eyes I saw > > Er ist zur Zeit bei uns im Haus > Is their a Zeit in the house? > > Und hält sich dort versteckt > And stop the versteckt, you Dork! > > Er riecht nach Äpfeln und nach Schnee > There ain’t no right apples and no ocean. > > Er kommt wohl grad aus seinem Wald > I went to grad school to see the woods. > > Seine Augen sehehn so traurig aus > The eyes saw an Australian traurig. > > More exciting translation tomorrow. > \*\* Believe me, I’ve seen Santa Klaus with my own eyes, He is then with us in our house and hid himself there. He smelled of apples and of snow he comes straight from the Forest (where he lives) His eyes seemed so sad… [sub]that should be a bit closer but is not perfect, I wish I could maintain the rhyme scheme, but most of that is done in the song by stretching out some of the words in the original[/sub] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-an-elf-just-back-on-the-job/90914.md?page=2)