# Ask Bob (the Chick tract guy) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 9, 2003, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825 "2003-02-09T04:09:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/261 "2003-02-13T08:22:07Z")
Say Bob, a friend claims to have a video tape of you and Phelps doing some “barebacked” wrestling. Is the tape legit? And have you ever wrestled professionally? ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/262 "2003-02-13T13:37:38Z")
Dear Bob, Wwere you an accident lawyer by trade before you found God? The reason I ask is you seem to hang around hospital Trauma areas quite a bit. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/263 "2003-02-13T13:41:33Z")
Dear Bob: Where the FUCK was “GOD” on 9/11? ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/264 "2003-02-13T14:15:26Z")
Des Moines, i believe… ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/265 "2003-02-13T15:30:45Z")
> [@](#): > > _Tuckerfan_ > Say Bob, a friend claims to have a video tape of you and Phelps doing some “barebacked” wrestling. Is the tape legit? And have you ever wrestled professionally? That tape was STOLEN by one of Satan’s demons! It was a hot day! We were just working out! I haven’t wrestled professionally, but I have received offers from websites to perform in more “amateur wrestling” videos! > [@](#): > > _kingpengvin_ > Dear Bob, > Wwere you an accident lawyer by trade before you found God? The reason I ask is you seem to hang around hospital Trauma areas quite a bit. I am just a humble Amway salesman. I enjoy trauma units because I love the stench of death! I also enjoy speeding the sinners along to their punishment in fire! (when the nurses aren’t looking of course) > [@](#): > > _Annie-Xmas_ > Dear Bob: Where the FUCK was “GOD” on 9/11? God was BEHIND 9/11! Let me quote the good Reverend Jerry Falwell and his remarkably insigtful and inspirational words in the wake of God’s wrath: > [@](#): > > _“The ACLU’s got to take a lot of blame for this…throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle…all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.”’_ God will not be mocked! ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/266 "2003-02-13T16:29:24Z")
> [@](#): > > _2trew:_ > Say, Bob, have you considered changing your operating procedures? I mean, the lake of fire stuff wasn’t really working for me, but your answers to swampbear have piqued my interest. > > I think if you concentrated more on the sodomy/bondage/beer angle and less on the hell factor you might attract more sinners. Bob, I’d really be interested in your response to **2trew’s** suggestion. Maybe you could talk to God about forming a focus group, ya know, sort of a brain storming session on ways to attract more sinners. What do ya think? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/267 "2003-02-13T16:57:48Z")
> [@](#): > > _swampbear_ > Bob, I’d really be interested in your response to **2trew’s** suggestion. Maybe you could talk to God about forming a focus group, ya know, sort of a brain storming session on ways to attract more sinners. What do ya think? Yes, yes, a very good idea! I have not had much succes in the burn wards lately. Perhaps if I could persuade Jesus to open a bar in Heaven. A bar with the Lord’s own beer on tap and Christ’s own U2 cover band on stage! Yes, yes, it could work! We could install bondage paraphanalia to attract the sodomites! I will call the Lord immediately! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/268 "2003-02-13T16:59:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\* > > I also enjoy speeding the sinners along to their punishment in fire! (when the nurses aren’t looking of course) > > \*\* Come to think of it where the hell are the nurses and doctors during your little Chick Rants shouldn’t they be keeping you out of the IC Ward so as not to make the patients suffer more? Oh and on a different tack all together, how come you never find any intellegent people to discuss evolution with you? I mean the “University educated” girl you steered away from education wasn’t really that bright to begin with. And that doofus who still plays with toy dinosaurs was no mental giant either. I’m no expert on evolution but wouldn’t sea shells on mountains be also used as proof of geological upheval over a huge time span thus showing the Earth is well past the 6, 000 years you claim? And none of your claims are ever backed up except for dumb arguments against dumb statements by the morons who speak with you (It had to be real days because the plants would die without the sun) To jog your memory on what I’m babbling about, here are the tracts [in the beginning](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5001/5001_01.asp?FROM=bibleseries) and [it’s coming](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5002/5002_01.asp?FROM=bibleseries) ---
**Author:** ![Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f0a364/32.png) [@Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rube_E.Tewesday)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/269 "2003-02-13T17:55:46Z")
Bob, thanks a lot for answering my question about Ted Bundy. I’d like to ask a follow-up: Ted’s victims …oops, sorry, his whores…are in the Lake of Fire, and so, naturally, are Mahatma Gandhi, Pope John Paul I, and Hitler. Is Hitler in a worse part of the Lake, or are they all burning the same way? Also, if I may ask an un-related question: I know that you, Jack and Jesus are down with the brothers and sisters. Just look at how Leroy Brown found Jesus, and the cool use of ghetto talk like “jive turkey” in that strip. Are you making special efforts to make sure that Pam Grier finds Jesus? I just don’t think it would be Heaven if she wasn’t there. Thanks large, Rube E. Tewesday ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/270 "2003-02-13T18:11:11Z")
> [@](#): > > ## _Originally posted by Bob_\*\* quote: > > ## bong Unconditional love can’t have requirements. If it does it isn’t unconditional. > > Who are you to put limits on Jesus Christ? Did you die on the cross? Did you create the universe? Are you in a U2 cover band? No! Only Christ the Lord is all these things, and he can do ANYTHING! He can make a square circle, He can make cold fire and he can set conditions on unconditional love!\*\* This brings up an interesting point; one of language. If God can have limits on the limitless, conditions on the unconditional, circular squares, and such like, then the words themselves do not mean what we humans are taught that they mean. This supports an argument that _all_ of the words we have available to us are suspect in their meaning. If we cannot take for granted that the words we use mean the things we think they mean, how can you argue that the words mean what you tell us they mean wwhen _you_ use them? You can _say_ “Lake of Fire,” “Eternal Suffering,” and “Towering Inferno”; and you will probably evoke images of people being burned alive with a flame that consumes their flesh without exhausting it, and never allows the sweet release death can bring (here, have a tissue), but why should that not actually turn out to be “Club Med with five-star accommodations and no bill”? ---
**Author:** ![SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9fc348/32.png) [@SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpaceGhostofArrakis)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/271 "2003-02-13T18:32:27Z")
Bob, As a Intergalactic Superhero, I’ve done alot of good things in my life. I’ve saved space monkeys. I’ve stopped giant praying mantises from conquering the Galaxy. I’ve interviewed Bjork. In addition, I’ve also helped the Fremen of Arrakis keep the Spice flowing, thus keeping the Galactic free-market economy running. As we all know, the only socio-economic system Jesus approves of is Capitalism. I also vote Republican. But I have a question. I’m Jewish, so am I going to Hell, despite all my good deeds? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/272 "2003-02-13T18:39:51Z")
> [@](#): > > _kingpengvin_ > Come to think of it where the hell are the nurses and doctors during your little Chick Rants shouldn’t they be keeping you out of the IC Ward so as not to make the patients suffer more? > Oh and on a different tack all together, how come you never find any intellegent people to discuss evolution with you? > > I mean the “University educated” girl you steered away from education wasn’t really that bright to begin with. And that doofus who still plays with toy dinosaurs was no mental giant either. > I’m no expert on evolution but wouldn’t sea shells on mountains be also used as proof of geological upheval over a huge time span thus showing the Earth is well past the 6, 000 years you claim? > > And none of your claims are ever backed up except for dumb arguments against dumb statements by the morons who speak with you (It had to be real days because the plants would die without the sun) The doctors can be bribed-- or dispatched with a couple of roofies. We don’t want them interfering with our soul saving, do we! We have trouble finding worthy debaters on evolution because so may of them insist on speaking only of “science,” and 'facts," and "proof, " rather than the true light of the Bible. **Ben** and **Darwin’s Finch** have expessed interest in debating me about evolution, but they make unreasonable demands on my postion. They want me to support my claims with evidence! The Bible is the Holy Word of Jesus Christ and it requires no evidence! And they mock me when I tell them that the 2nd law of thermometers deals a devestating blow to the theory of evolution! Darwin had no son! > [@](#): > > _Rube E. Tewesday_ > Bob, thanks a lot for answering my question about Ted Bundy. I’d like to ask a follow-up: > > Ted’s victims …oops, sorry, his whores…are in the Lake of Fire, and so, naturally, are Mahatma Gandhi, Pope John Paul I, and Hitler. Is Hitler in a worse part of the Lake, or are they all burning the same way? > > Also, if I may ask an un-related question: > > I know that you, Jack and Jesus are down with the brothers and sisters. Just look at how Leroy Brown found Jesus, and the cool use of ghetto talk like “jive turkey” in that strip. Are you making special efforts to make sure that Pam Grier finds Jesus? I just don’t think it would be Heaven if she wasn’t there. Hitler is the hottest part of the lake because he is a Catholic! We are planning a new tract aimed at “urban” teens which will be all about “hippety-hop” music and it’s demonic influence on youth. We plan to use the words “fly,” “dope,” and “funky,” as soon as we find out what they mean! I asked Miss Grier to play a role in the tract as a youth counsellor who summons me to deal with an insolent African-American teen who has fallen under the spell of “tap” music. Ms. Grier declined our invitation and she called me “Opie.” Is that Good? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/273 "2003-02-13T19:17:33Z")
> [@](#): > > _kaylasdad99_ > brings up an interesting point; one of language. > > If God can have limits on the limitless, conditions on the unconditional, circular squares, and such like, then the words themselves do not mean what we humans are taught that they mean. This supports an argument that all of the words we have available to us are suspect in their meaning. If we cannot take for granted that the words we use mean the things we think they mean, how can you argue that the words mean what you tell us they mean wwhen you use them? > > You can say “Lake of Fire,” “Eternal Suffering,” and “Towering Inferno”; and you will probably evoke images of people being burned alive with a flame that consumes their flesh without exhausting it, and never allows the sweet release death can bring (here, have a tissue), but why should that not actually turn out to be “Club Med with five-star accommodations and no bill”? The only words which can be trusted are the words of the King James Version of the Holy Bible-- for that is the only Bible which is written in the true English language of Jesus Christ. > [@](#): > > _SpaceGhostofArrakis_ > Bob, > > As a Intergalactic Superhero, I’ve done alot of good things in my life. I’ve saved space monkeys. I’ve stopped giant praying mantises from conquering the Galaxy. I’ve interviewed Bjork. > > In addition, I’ve also helped the Fremen of Arrakis keep the Spice flowing, thus keeping the Galactic free-market economy running. As we all know, the only socio-economic system Jesus approves of is Capitalism. > > I also vote Republican. > > But I have a question. I’m Jewish, so am I going to Hell, despite all my good deeds? Yes! Jesus Christ cares nothing for your [good deeds](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0041/0041_01.asp)! The Jews have mocked Jesus Christ and spit on him. You will burn, you will BURN!! ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/274 "2003-02-13T19:31:33Z")
Dear Bob Suppose you’re blindfolded and you suck a penis when you think you’re sucking a plain ol’ sausage. Do you still go to hell? ---
**Author:** ![SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9fc348/32.png) [@SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpaceGhostofArrakis)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/275 "2003-02-13T19:34:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > Yes! Jesus Christ cares nothing for your [good deeds](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0041/0041_01.asp)! The Jews have mocked Jesus Christ and spit on him. You will burn, you will BURN!! \*\* But…but…I enjoy Bacon! Also, I helped out all those poor Fremen! They believe in Shai-Hulud instead of Jesus, even though they keep the Spice flowing. Does that make them bad? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/276 "2003-02-13T19:52:00Z")
> [@](#): > > _Libertarian_ > Dear Bob > > Suppose you’re blindfolded and you suck a penis when you think you’re sucking a plain ol’ sausage. Do you still go to hell? Unfortunately, yes, but this raises an important issue. It is paramount that each man learn to distinguish the taste of a penis from that of a sausage. In this way we can avoid committing the unspeakable error of oral sodomy by accident! > [@](#): > > _SpaceGhostofArrakis_ > Also, I helped out all those poor Fremen! They believe in Shai-Hulud instead of Jesus, even though they keep the Spice flowing. Does that make them bad? Shai-Halud is a Demom! Shai-Halud had no son! Muab-dib did not die for your sins. You may think the Devil’s spice is a groovy trip now, but what it really is, is a one way trip to HELL! ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/277 "2003-02-13T20:00:00Z")
Okay, so what if it’s reversed? What if you’re sucking a plain ol’ sausage, but you’re fantacizing about sucking a penis. Still hell, right? So, whether you’re thinking of a penis but sucking a sausage, or thinking of a sausage but sucking a penis, it makes no difference. Is that why God said don’t eat pork? ---
**Author:** ![SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9fc348/32.png) [@SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpaceGhostofArrakis)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/278 "2003-02-13T20:05:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*! > > Shai-Halud is a Demom! Shai-Halud had no son! Muab-dib did not die for your sins. You may think the Devil’s spice is a groovy trip now, but what it really is, is a one way trip to HELL! \*\* Well, yeah, but the spice Melange allows us to see the path through folded space! If that isn’t spiritual, what is? PLus, I have giant Tiger-headed kinda-people for friends. Who doesn’t love Giant tiger-headed People? And I interviewed Bjork. BJORK! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/279 "2003-02-13T20:34:53Z")
> [@](#): > > _Libertarian_ > Okay, so what if it’s reversed? What if you’re sucking a plain ol’ sausage, but you’re fantacizing about sucking a penis. Still hell, right? > > So, whether you’re thinking of a penis but sucking a sausage, or thinking of a sausage but sucking a penis, it makes no difference. Is that why God said don’t eat pork? Precisely, because all of us are sinners and none of us have the strength to eat a pork sausage without fantasizing that it is really the hot, throbbing organ of that delivery truck driver I saw at the Safeway. Only by sticking to pancakes can one avoid grave error! > [@](#): > > _SpaceGhostofArrakis_ > Well, yeah, but the spice Melange allows us to see the path through folded space! If that isn’t spiritual, what is? > > PLus, I have giant Tiger-headed kinda-people for friends. Who doesn’t love Giant tiger-headed People? > > And I interviewed Bjork. BJORK! There is no space! That is a fiction invented by scientists who are only guessing and trying to mislead you!. You may think your spice weed is far out man, but it is really just far away from God! What’s Bjork really like? ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/280 "2003-02-13T20:57:38Z")
Is it true your friend Jack T(he) Chick is really a one eyes stooped over balding Hermit with third degree burns over 1/4 of his body? I also understand that he is the illegitimate son of both The Late Great Col Sanders and Mae West and was left on the doorstep of a twisted hermit who was a White supremicist, fire fetishest, with a purchant to yell at passing nuns because they never put out for him. I also hear that Jack was forced to wear a bandage on his head for much of his youth while he was forced to draw people on fire for his adoptive father’s perverse pleasure. Now these may be unfounded rumours but you have to admit it might explain quite a bit. If I’m wrong please let me know What Jack is like. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=15)