# Ask Bob (the Chick tract guy) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 9, 2003, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825 "2003-02-09T04:09:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 17
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/321 "2003-02-15T00:45:03Z")
I hope that clarified things, Jack@ss. ---
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/322 "2003-02-15T01:06:53Z")
**bong** , I’m kind of being sarcastic. You’ve posted a lot of times in this thread, and the ones that wind up sticking in my head are the ones where you go “AHA!”. Those usually involve repeating the joke that Diogenes just made, but in a smug manner as if you had actually scored a point. An example: Diogenes posts that Jesus’ unconditional love has very specific criteria. You follow it up with a post that says “AHA!” and point out that unconditional love can have no criteria. Well, good for you. You got that. So did everybody else. You know, before you came right out and said it. I’m probably just having a bad day, but it seems like you’ve ridden that horse as far as it’s going to go and then started beating it. ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/323 "2003-02-15T01:33:47Z")
Ohh… WAH! ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/324 "2003-02-15T01:35:37Z")
oh. ---
**Author:** ![ReuvenB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@ReuvenB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReuvenB)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/325 "2003-02-15T01:44:37Z")
I think bong may just be inflating his post count. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/326 "2003-02-15T01:54:13Z")
AHA! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/327 "2003-02-15T04:37:33Z")
> [@](#): > > _2trew_ > Dear Bob, > > I appear to be having a problem with my temper lately. Since Jesus counsels turning the other cheek and God seems to favour the whole “plague of locusts, pillar of salt, kill all the firstborn” way of dealing with that kind of thing, I’m curious as to which you would recommend. I understand that I only have to check the box to be saved, but when I’m faced with a situation where I really feel that punching someone repeatedly would be at least as satisfying as ignoring them, which would Jesus want to see me do? You should try turning the other cheek only once, to show them how much more moral and loving you are than they are. If that fails to impress them you should stone them to death! (Either that or yank out their respirators) > [@](#): > > _jack@ss_ > Dear Bob, > > Thanks for telling me that my dog will go to heaven! I better find a tract & check the box so I can join him, but I’ll sure miss my rockabilly. > > Do you think bong is posessed? when people in the tracts put up the same kind of resistance to your ministrations, you usually cast a demon out of them and then they repent and beg for forgiveness. Maybe bong holds demons like a real bong holds marijuana smoke! Potheads use flame on a real bong, maybe that’s inidcative of the tortures awaiting our friend bong! > > Won’t it be difficult to smoke pot in hell? I would guess that it would go up in smoke before you had a chance to raise it to your lips! > > Is it true that the name “Harry Potter” is based on “hairy pothead”, revealing that the author is a strung-out hippie? That’s what my mom says, but she’s going to hell anyway because she’s a Mormon. I better check the box so I don’t have to spend eternity in a lake of fire with her. I love my mom & everything, but she drives me crazy with her preaching and emails for tech support. I am sure that \*_bong_ is indeed posessed. I first suspected he was possed by a demonic troll, but now I believe he has become infested with a parasitic demon who has sapped all sense of irony from his blood! Hell contains eternally burning buds in asbestos bongs. No matter how much the bongs are hit, the bowls are never cashed. I think our friend _bong_ would enjoy such a set-up! Your mother is correct about the Harry Potter books. They are really only cleverly disguised primers for performing black magic rituals, rebelling against authority and engaging in adolescent orgies. JK Rowling is drug addicted witch who worships Satan. The “potion making” she describes is really just code for manufacturing methamphetamine! She will burn, she will burn! I am saddened however that your mother has rejected God’s love. Jesus has no mercy for Mormons! Joseph Smith was deceived by demonic visions! The Osmonds are Satan’s missionaries! > [@](#): > > _bong_ > No, I am a Christian. I just think that the Jack Chick/Bob entity is an intolerant jerk who cares nothing for human life, kills people of different religions for no reason, and hates anything that might give little timmy the buttcancer boy in a plastic tank who goes “Please sir, may I have some more?” a lot any shred of joy. And I want to see how he responds. [Diogenes voice]That’s the whole point of this thread, bong. “Bob” is absurd. He is an idiot. He is illogical. If I made him give sensible responses, it wouldn’t be a _parody_. I _know_ his answers are stupid. That’s the _point_.[/Diogenes voice] ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/328 "2003-02-15T04:42:32Z")
Dear Bob, I have it on Good authority that Bong is nothing more than a papist conspirator sent by the vatican to confuse the minds of all **TRUE** Christians. Next thing he’ll be handing out death cookies. Please pay him a visit soon so that we know he will either see the light and be saved or kick it and meet our faceless God who will roast his sorry ass in the lake of fire… By the way how do you feel about creating our own written “Bob” tract for the Board? It would merely be descriptive as our art could never match the skill and artistry of Jack T(he) Chick… I’m not sure where it should be posted. What say you? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/329 "2003-02-15T04:53:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Dear Bob, > > I have it on Good authority that Bong is nothing more than a papist conspirator sent by the vatican to confuse the minds of all TRUE Christians. Next thing he’ll be handing out death cookies. Please pay him a visit soon so that we know he will either see the light and be saved or kick it and meet our faceless God who will roast his sorry ass in the lake of fire… > > By the way how do you feel about creating our own written “Bob” tract for the Board? It would merely be descriptive as our art could never match the skill and artistry of Jack T(he) Chick… I’m not sure where it should be posted. What say you? **bong** a covert agent of the devil’s church, OF COURSE. He will be dealt with. He’s going to accept Christ’s love OR ELSE! [size=1]I think it would be fun to work on a mock Chick tract. We would have to pick some ridiculous target to demonize (Pokemon would be perfect). I don’t know how it would look as a text only piece, though. Perhaps if we used a sort of screenplay format. (Bob: the movie?) ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/330 "2003-02-15T11:59:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\* > > [Diogenes voice]That’s the whole point of this thread, bong. “Bob” is absurd. He is an idiot. He is illogical. If I made him give sensible responses, it wouldn’t be a _parody_. I _know_ his answers are stupid. That’s the _point_.[/Diogenes voice] \*\* And I KNOW this is a parody. ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/331 "2003-02-15T12:04:58Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* I think it would be fun to work on a mock Chick tract. We would have to pick some ridiculous target to demonize (Pokemon would be perfect). I don’t know how it would look as a text only piece, though. Perhaps if we used a sort of screenplay format. (Bob: the movie?)\*\*[/QUOTE YEAH! MAKE A MOCK CHICK TRACT OF POKEMON! AND HAVE THE POKEMON EAT BOB IN THE END! THAT WOULD BE SO COOL! ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/332 "2003-02-15T15:31:04Z")
Dear Bob, When God, Jesus and The Holy Ghost sit down to dinner, to whom do they say grace? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/333 "2003-02-15T16:12:11Z")
> [@](#): > > _Musicat_ > Dear Bob, > > When God, Jesus and The Holy Ghost sit down to dinner, to whom do they say grace? They all thank each other. It’s kind of like the Waltons at the dinner table: “Thank you, Jesus.” “You’re Welcome, Ghost.” “Thank you, Father” “You’re welcome, Son” “Thank you Ghost.” "You’re welcome, dudes…’ I t goes on for quite a while. ---
**Author:** ![nogginhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5e9695/32.png) [@nogginhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nogginhead)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/334 "2003-02-15T19:41:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*I think it would be fun to work on a mock Chick tract. We would have to pick some ridiculous target to demonize (Pokemon would be perfect). I don’t know how it would look as a text only piece, though. Perhaps if we used a sort of screenplay format. (Bob: the movie?) \*\* I think pokemon is too easy and not parodic enough. Lots of people hate(d) it and and I could see Jack choosing to write on it. It might be better to go for say, winnie-the-pooh, or something so innocuous that even a Jack wannabe would never go after. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/335 "2003-02-15T19:53:57Z")
How about _Spongebob Squarepants_? (I love Spongebob) 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![nogginhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5e9695/32.png) [@nogginhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nogginhead)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/336 "2003-02-15T20:27:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*How about _Spongebob Squarepants_? (I love Spongebob) 🙂 \*\* I think that would work. But the parody could verge into true satire if you find something you’re sure Jack and his ilk (if there are any) approve of. Not that it wouldn’t be funny either way. Some of your stuff here is just brilliant-- this thread is as good as the one about [funny stuff said during sex](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=24960&perpage=30&pagenumber=1) . ---
**Author:** ![Azure\_Eternity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f05b48/32.png) [@Azure\_Eternity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azure_Eternity)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/337 "2003-02-15T20:30:35Z")
What happens to people who are physically incapable of checking the box themselves? Paralyzed people, for instance. What do they do? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/338 "2003-02-15T20:51:28Z")
> [@](#): > > _Azure Eternity_ > What happens to people who are physically incapable of checking the box themselves? Paralyzed people, for instance. What do they do? They burn in Hell, of course! What did you think? Jesus Christ did not shed His own blood on the cross for ungrateful cripples! If they truly had faith, they would be HEALED! The fact that they are still cripples proves that they have no FAITH! Hell is wheelchair accessible, Heaven is not! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/339 "2003-02-15T20:54:44Z")
\*_nogginhead_, I still like the idea of doing something from pop culture, maybe something about boybands? Video games (GTA would be good)? Reality shows? mmm…I have to run out to the store for a bit. I’ll think about it some more and get back to you. Post any ideas of your own. ---
**Author:** ![nogginhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5e9695/32.png) [@nogginhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nogginhead)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/340 "2003-02-15T22:24:30Z")
How about PBS kids’ shows? Or are they not poppy enough: Dragon tales? Not parodic enough, maybe. How about Arthur? Secular, totally objectionless otherwise? Maybe Spongebob is best… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=16) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=18)