# Ask Bob (the Chick tract guy) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 9, 2003, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825 "2003-02-09T04:09:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![airdisc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e19adc/32.png) [@airdisc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/airdisc)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/41 "2003-02-09T14:55:46Z")
Bob, If God is omnipotent, can he make a rock so big even he can’t lift it? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/42 "2003-02-09T15:10:37Z")
> [@](#): > > _Rex Dart_ > Bob, > > Why does Jesus seem so mean all the time? And why does he talk like he’s in a fantasy novel with all that “depart ye into the cursed fire” stuff? Was the Bible written by the guy who wrote Canterbury Tales, and if so are there raunchy sections of the Bible featuring farmer’s wives and red-hot pokers? > > BTW, I pick up all the tracts I find since I collect them, so I’m going to Heaven right? > > Sincerely, > RexDart The _Canterbury Tales_ was written in 14th Middle English. The King James Bible is written in archaic 17th century Modern English, and THAT is the language of CHRIST! And NO, they do not have the same author, The _Canterbury Tales_ was written by a MAN\*. The Bible (KJV ONLY!) was written by JESUS CHRIST! There’s no red hot pokers in the Bible but there’s lots of dirty stuff. [Here’s](http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?language=english&passage=ezekiel+23%3A20&version=NIV) a nice bit for you. Jesus is mad because He DIED for your sins! You better accept his LOVE or you’re in big, big trouble! ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/43 "2003-02-09T15:15:04Z")
So, Bob… do you take it up the butt? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/44 "2003-02-09T15:23:34Z")
> [@](#): > > _Already in Use_ > Dear Bob, > > Any relation? My theory is that you two are the same person, but you wear a fake moustache to fool everyone, a la Clark Kent’s glasses. > > Yours in Christ, > Already I am not related to the infidel Dobbs, but it is true that John Waters is my twin. > [@](#): > > _Kantelooppi_ > What does God think of Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson is a Jehova’s Witness! Michael will have no hope for redemption until he renounces his false religion! God used to like Michael Jackson in the 80’s. God played _Thriller_ all the time on His Heavenly eight track. God really dig Eddie Van Halen’s guitar solo on “Beat It.” God wanted to learn how to moonwalk but He could never get it down! God doesn’t like Michael Jackson anymore. Now God thinks he’s a fruit loop. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Nader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Darth\_Nader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Nader)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/45 "2003-02-09T15:26:22Z")
I would also like to hear the answer to **OpalCat** ’s question in 5.1 sound… ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/46 "2003-02-09T15:26:22Z")
Is there sex in Heaven? If not, why not? And what, exactly, is meant by the Bible verse which says, “He cometh in the hour man knoweth not.”? ---
**Author:** ![detop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@detop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/detop)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/47 "2003-02-09T15:28:13Z")
Why should I want to go to Heaven, if its peopled by your likes ? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/48 "2003-02-09T15:37:23Z")
> [@](#): > > _cjhoworth_ > Dear Bob, > > You said, > > ## quote: > > ## Those little maggots better eat God’s love OR ELSE! > > Would it be all right if I put mustard on it first? > > A humble little maggot who wishes to be blessed by the Light > > P.S. If mustard is out, how about whipped cream? Please, don’t put mustard on God’s love! Mustard burns. Whipped cream is fine-- or peanut butter. > [@](#): > > _Lsura_ > Dear Bob, > > I have been a catholic all my life. Because of your testimony, I see the error of my ways and have turned from that evil church. > > But my question now is…well, I partook of the DEATH COOKIE from the time I was six until just recently. Will I ever be truly forgiven for this, or should I just go back now because there’s no hope for me? Am I doomed to be in the lake of fire? > > Also, I like to go out and hang out with Wiccans on Halloween. This isn’t a problem, is it? > > Sincerely, > Recovering Catholic As long as you check the little “yes” box in the corner you will be forgiven for eating the death cookie-- But there is NO forgiveness for participating in HALLOWEEN! Halloween is Satan’s birthday! Will you want to hang out with witches when they are burning forever in God’s lake of fire? Look at what Jesus says about witches: Exodus 22:18 Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. God’s word is not a suggestion! You have no excuse! Jesus Christ commands you to kill your Wiccan friends! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/49 "2003-02-09T15:47:56Z")
> [@](#): > > _gus28_ > If heaven is full of people that are so ignorant as to believe the utter bullshit that is “chick tracts” then why would I want to go there? > [@](#): > > _detop_ > Why should I want to go to Heaven, if its peopled by your likes ? Because Jesus Christ, the Son of God, came to Earth and died on the cross FOR YOU! You may think that Chick Heaven is full of idiots, but believe you me, it’s better than BURNING FOREVER in an eternal lake of fire with Satan and his demons! Plus they have this really good chile place on Golden Street, just past Pearly gate Drive. Best chile ever! > [@](#): > > _airdisc_ > Bob, > > If God is omnipotent, can he make a rock so big even he can’t lift it? Not only can he make it, he can lift it! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/50 "2003-02-09T16:00:00Z")
> [@](#): > > _Opalcat_ > So, Bob… do you take it up the butt? What are you talking about? What have you heard? I have a girlfriend you know, Jack drew one for me. Did someone see me in that Tom of Finland book? I was just trying to save their immortal souls-- I was undercover, I had to go along with their perversions so that I could gain their trust. it’s not my fault that Satan’s artist can draw such alluring, well proportioned men! I was a victim! A victim I tell you! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/51 "2003-02-09T16:04:55Z")
> [@](#): > > _Tuckerfan_ > Is there sex in Heaven? If not, why not? And what, exactly, is meant by the Bible verse which says, “He cometh in the hour man knoweth not.”? There is sex in Heaven, just not any _good_ sex. As to the verse that you quoted, well, God’s not as young as He used to be. Sometimes it takes a little while. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/52 "2003-02-09T16:07:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*There is sex in Heaven, just not any _good_ sex. As to the verse that you quoted, well, God’s not as young as He used to be. Sometimes it takes a little while. \*\* So, you’re saying that God _comes with men???_ Does that mean God’s gay or at least bi? Also, isn’t Jesus technically a bastard, since God never married Mary? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/53 "2003-02-09T16:15:48Z")
> [@](#): > > _Tuckerfan_ > So, you’re saying that God comes with men??? Does that mean God’s gay or at least bi? Also, isn’t Jesus technically a bastard, since God never married Mary? How dare you pervert God’s word! The verse only says that man does not know the TIME of God’s coming! God is as straight as an ARROW, thank you very much. God actually DID marry Mary, they just kept it really quiet, a quickie wedding in Vegas and all that. It only lasted a couple of days. It was a mistake, they were drunk, they don’t like to talk about it much. Joseph doesn’t even know about it. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/54 "2003-02-09T16:26:01Z")
Tell us some of your more embarrassing moments. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/55 "2003-02-09T16:29:54Z")
God gets drunk?? Why? ---
**Author:** ![jovan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/0ea827/32.png) [@jovan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jovan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/56 "2003-02-09T16:31:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*The Bible (KJV ONLY!) was written by JESUS CHRIST! > > There’s no red hot pokers in the Bible but there’s lots of dirty stuff. [Here’s](http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?language=english&passage=ezekiel+23%3A20&version=NIV) a nice bit for you. > \*\* Dear Bob, Thank you for this scriptural passage. It will replace [this](http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=SONG+4&language=english&version=KJV) as my, ah, bedtime reading material. I have a question, though. You said “KJV only” and yet you quoted the NIV. It is my understanding that the KJV was written by JESUS and the heathen NIV was written by SATAN. Why are you quoting SATAN? May love prevail and sinners burn in flames of eternal torment, jovan ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/57 "2003-02-09T16:59:57Z")
> [@](#): > > _jimm_ > Tell us some of your more embarrassing moments. Well, the platypus was kind of embarrassing, God created that right after He created cannabis…that and Michael Jackson, he really fell asleep at the wheel on Michael Jackson. > [@](#): > > _Tuckerfan_ > God gets drunk?? Why? Were you there when God created the universe? Did you set the stars in the sky? Did you lay the foundations of the Earth? Who are you to question God’s drinking habits. God can handle his liquor just fine. God can chug a fifth of Jack, I’ve seen it! Sometimes God just needs to unwind a little bit. He’s got a lot of stress. > [@](#): > > _jovan_ > Dear Bob, > > Thank you for this scriptural passage. It will replace this as my, ah, bedtime reading material. > > I have a question, though. > > You said “KJV only” and yet you quoted the NIV. It is my understanding that the KJV was written by JESUS and the heathen NIV was written by SATAN. Why are you quoting SATAN? > > May love prevail and sinners burn in flames of eternal torment, > > jovan Yes, the _Song of Solomon_ very good stuff! God’s very proud of that one. He’s thinking of writing a letter to the Penthouse forum now. He never used to believe those letters were true, but he had an experience last month which changed his mind. As to the NIV/KJV contradiction, the answer is easy. The default version at [Biblegateway.com](http://Biblegateway.com) is the NIV because of Satan’s influence. Satan caused me to forget to scroll the little selector window down to KJV before I pasted the link. The NIV’s funnier anyway. KJV sanitizes it. ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/58 "2003-02-09T17:46:29Z")
Dear Bob Did Jesus and the disciples hand out your tracts in Galilee? Signed, Curious in the Quantum Plenum ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/59 "2003-02-09T18:04:25Z")
> [@](#): > > Dear Bob > > Did Jesus and the disciples hand out your tracts in Galilee? > > Signed, > > Curious in the Quantum Plenum Dear Curious, They didn’t need tracts because they had Jesus Christ who is the Son of God. Once Jesus had told them His message those Jews in Galilee had NO WAY OUT! they had been warned by GOD HIMSELF that they must repent and ask Christ for forgiveness! However, look at **John 8:7,8:** [quote] _7But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground._ What do you think that Jesus was writing and drawing on the ground? He was drawing a CHICK TRACT, THAT’S WHAT! For He knew that when He was gone, His disciples must have a way to spread the true message of Christ to th Jews and the Pagans so that they would have NO EXCUSE not to accept His love! ---
**Author:** ![tunabreath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@tunabreath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tunabreath)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/60 "2003-02-09T18:39:26Z")
WHEN WILL ANY OF YOU GET IT?! Bob is an imposter! He works for B. Gates. Don’t any of you remember “Microsoft Bob”? Don’t be fooled. The real God can be found the same way the Mormons and L. Ron Hubbard found faith. Benevolent space aliens. Xeno is Satan [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=4)