# Ask Bob (the Chick tract guy) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 9, 2003, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825 "2003-02-09T04:09:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![tunabreath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@tunabreath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tunabreath)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/61 "2003-02-09T18:40:56Z")
Umm, Satan is Xeno? ---
**Author:** ![Truth\_Seeker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5fc32e/32.png) [@Truth\_Seeker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truth_Seeker)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/62 "2003-02-09T18:42:10Z")
Why do you only do chick tracts? Aren’t you interested in saving real men? Maybe you should also do some tracts with fart jokes or where you blow up a lot of stuff. And what about chick heaven.? Is this something like dog heaven or rock-and-roll heaven? ---
**Author:** ![tunabreath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@tunabreath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tunabreath)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/63 "2003-02-09T18:57:47Z")
Good point Truth! We want a guy heaven! It would have women in it that think we are HOT! and there would be fast cars and fast boats and fast women and fast airplanes! There would be tropical islands where we would have everything we want. Like, fast BBQ’s too! and we wouldn’t have to shave!, either the damn wiskers wouldn’t grow or they’d grow to where we want and stop, and the women would think our noises and scratching stuff is sexy! and there would be fish to catch. Big fish! Like tuna. fishing… ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/64 "2003-02-09T19:07:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Why do you only do chick tracts? Aren’t you interested in saving real men? Maybe you should also do some tracts with fart jokes or where you blow up a lot of stuff. > > And what about chick heaven.? Is this something like dog heaven or rock-and-roll heaven? You mock the name of Chick! Let’s see if you mock us when you are burning in fire and you are begging for a Pepsi and Jesus will not give you even a sip! Chick tracts ARE for real men! Men who are man enough to embrace JESUS CHRIST! Maybe you haven’t noticed but we include lots and lots of FIRE in our tracts. That should hook the men. Men like fire! Fire is cool! Chick Heaven is not a heaven for dogs or for junkie Satanic “rock and roll” musicians like Justin Timberlake and Garth Brooks. Chick Heaven is the one true heaven created by God who is JESUS CHRIST! God has allowed His chosen cartoonist Jack Chick to draw Heaven in all it’s splendor so that no one who reads Chick’s tracts will be able to refuse its allure. Who could turn away from the eternal sight of JESUS CHRIST on his giant toilet…I mean throne? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/65 "2003-02-09T19:12:55Z")
> [@](#): > > _tunabreath_ > We want a guy heaven! It would have women in it that think we are HOT! and there would be fast cars and fast boats and fast women and fast airplanes! There would be tropical islands where we would have everything we want. Like, fast BBQ’s too! and we wouldn’t have to shave!, either the damn wiskers wouldn’t grow or they’d grow to where we want and stop, and the women would think our noises and scratching stuff is sexy! [Diogenes voice]This description of Heaven sounds like an eternal GTA: Vice City, but perhaps without the cops?[/Diogenes voice] ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/66 "2003-02-09T19:26:00Z")
Dear Bob, Will the SDMB Mods automatically get into Heaven for banning **Satan**? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/67 "2003-02-09T19:37:44Z")
> [@](#): > > _jr8_ > Will the SDMB Mods automatically get into Heaven for banning Satan? Banning **Satan** is not enough! They must ban _all_ ant-Christian user names! **Diogenes** was a Pagan philosopher who worshipped the false god of Greece, he must go too! **Darwin’s Finch** , of course, is completely unacceptable as well. The mods must also ban all atheists, agnostics, Catholics, Jews, pgans, witches, homosexuals, Mormons, Jehova’s Witnesses, Muslims (and their Moon God), Buddhists, Hindus, rock muscicians, any one who engages in role playing games, has extramarital sex, masturbates or voted for Clinton! The only one left will be **His4Ever** , and even THEN, the mods must still accept JESUS CHRIST as their only lord and saviour! ---
**Author:** ![GythaOgg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/49beb7/32.png) [@GythaOgg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GythaOgg)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/68 "2003-02-09T19:42:47Z")
Bob - What about Betty Bowers? Is it possible for a mere WOMAN to be ‘America’s Best Christian’ as she claims on her website? Is she a better Christian than you? Are you two dating? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/69 "2003-02-09T20:07:28Z")
> [@](#): > > _GythaOgg_ > What about Betty Bowers? Is it possible for a mere WOMAN to be ‘America’s Best Christian’ as she claims on her website? Is she a better Christian than you? Are you two dating? Betty is a good, upright, true Christian white woman, but really she she can only claim to be the best _woman_ Christian in the world. She has not saved nearly as many sinners as I have! She has not carpeted the world with the Living Word of GOD as I have! She is an imposter who believes that she is too good to go out with me, even though I offered her two hundred Chick tracts as a gift! Stuck up bitch! ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/70 "2003-02-09T20:30:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*The mods must also ban all atheists, agnostics, Catholics, Jews, pgans, witches, homosexuals, Mormons, Jehova’s Witnesses, Muslims (and their Moon God), Buddhists, Hindus, rock muscicians, any one who engages in role playing games, has extramarital sex, masturbates or voted for Clinton! > > The only one left will be **His4Ever** , and even THEN, the mods must still accept JESUS CHRIST as their only lord and saviour! \*\* Actually, just to clarify, by some quirky technicality I’ll be left too. However, I’ll either get kicked out because my name’s not explicitly Christian or it’ll get so boring here that I’ll just leave of my own volition. (No offense meant to **His4ever** or the mods, but I like having more people here than just that.) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > > > [@](#): > > > > Tuckerfan > > God gets drunk?? Why? > > Were you there when God created the universe? Did you set the stars in the sky? Did you lay the foundations of the Earth? Who are you to question God’s drinking habits. God can handle his liquor just fine. God can chug a fifth of Jack, I’ve seen it! Sometimes God just needs to unwind a little bit. He’s got a lot of stress. It’s in the [Bible](http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?language=english&passage=john+2&version=KJV), Jesus drank wine. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/71 "2003-02-09T20:35:40Z")
In addition, people need to read more [Betty Bowers](http://www.bettybowers.com) and [Landover Baptist](http://www.landoverbaptist.org), in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Happyjoelucky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Happyjoelucky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happyjoelucky)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/72 "2003-02-09T20:40:41Z")
Dear Bob, What if I don’t want eternal life? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/73 "2003-02-09T20:56:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Dear Bob, > What if I don’t want eternal life? Too bad! God, who is Jesus Christ made your soul immortal! Your only choice is to choose Jesus Christ or to reject Him! If you reject God’s love you will burn in eternal hellfire. If you accept Jesus Christ as your Saviour, you will spend eternal life in Heaven whether you like it or not! ---
**Author:** ![jmpride62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@jmpride62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmpride62)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/74 "2003-02-09T21:05:37Z")
Bob, Are there any gay clubs in heaven? With all that celestial light, how will I find the pride flags? Can I share a cloud with my boyfriend? Do you sell Astroglide? Are you a top or a bottom? ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/75 "2003-02-09T21:42:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*Please, don’t put mustard on God’s love! Mustard burns. Whipped cream is fine-- or peanut butter. > As long as you check the little “yes” box in the corner you will be forgiven for eating the death cookie-- But there is NO forgiveness for participating in HALLOWEEN! Halloween is Satan’s birthday! Will you want to hang out with witches when they are burning forever in God’s lake of fire? Look at what Jesus says about witches: > > Exodus 22:18 > Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. > > God’s word is not a suggestion! You have no excuse! Jesus Christ commands you to kill your Wiccan friends! \*\* So? God also said “THOU SHALT NOT KILL.” if you kill a wiccan, You Break another law of god. HA! ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/76 "2003-02-09T21:43:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*Please, don’t put mustard on God’s love! Mustard burns. Whipped cream is fine-- or peanut butter. > As long as you check the little “yes” box in the corner you will be forgiven for eating the death cookie-- But there is NO forgiveness for participating in HALLOWEEN! Halloween is Satan’s birthday! Will you want to hang out with witches when they are burning forever in God’s lake of fire? Look at what Jesus says about witches: > > Exodus 22:18 > Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. > > God’s word is not a suggestion! You have no excuse! Jesus Christ commands you to kill your Wiccan friends! \*\* So? God also said “THOU SHALT NOT KILL.” if you kill a wiccan, You Break another law of god. HA!:wally ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/77 "2003-02-09T21:45:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*Too bad! God, who is Jesus Christ made your soul immortal! Your only choice is to choose Jesus Christ or to reject Him! If you reject God’s love you will burn in eternal hellfire. If you accept Jesus Christ as your Saviour, you will spend eternal life in Heaven whether you like it or not! \*\* But if God is omnipotent, He can destroy him, if he doesn’t want to live forever. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/78 "2003-02-09T21:53:52Z")
> [@](#): > > Because Jesus Christ, the Son of God, came to Earth and died on the cross FOR YOU! You may think that Chick Heaven is full of idiots, but believe you me, it’s better than BURNING FOREVER in an eternal lake of fire with Satan and his demons! _ **WHAT??!!** _ Jesus was the Son of God?! I’ve _never_ heard **that** before! I’m converting right now! ---
**Author:** ![martin\_ibn\_martin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@martin\_ibn\_martin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/martin_ibn_martin)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/79 "2003-02-09T21:55:45Z")
Just not Bob or Chick’s version. Allahu Akbar Martin > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tuckerfan \* > \*\*Is there sex in Heaven? If not, why not? And what, exactly, is meant by the Bible verse which says, “He cometh in the hour man knoweth not.”? \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/80 "2003-02-09T22:00:11Z")
> [@](#): > > _jmpride62_ > Bob, > > Are there any gay clubs in heaven? > > With all that celestial light, how will I find the pride flags? > > Can I share a cloud with my boyfriend? > > Do you sell Astroglide? > > Are you a top or a bottom There are no homosexuals in Heaven! Jesus hates homosexuality big time! There is nothing more disgusting to Jesus Christ than two young, nude, hardbodied males rubbing each other down with baby oil, touching each other’s manhood’s, engaging in all manner of vile and unnatural sodomy…excuse me, I must step into the restroom for a moment. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=5)