# Ask Bob (the Chick tract guy) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 9, 2003, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825 "2003-02-09T04:09:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/81 "2003-02-09T22:06:14Z")
> [@](#): > > _bong_ > So? God also said “THOU SHALT NOT KILL.” if you kill a wiccan, You Break another law of god. HA! That commandment is only for those who have accepted CHRIST as their king. It’s ok to kill heathens > [@](#): > > But if God is omnipotent, He can destroy him, if he doesn’t want to live forever. He CAN, but He WON’T! If God wants you to live forever, then that’s just too bad for you, my friend! ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/82 "2003-02-09T22:11:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*Banning **Satan** is not enough! They must ban _all_ ant-Christian user names! **Diogenes** \*\* Your user name is Diogenes. By your logic, you go to hell. ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/83 "2003-02-09T22:14:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > **That commandment is only for those who have accepted CHRIST as their king. It’s ok to kill heathens** What’s the difference between a Wiccan and a Christian? They’re both human. One merely worships a different “THING” than the other. That’s as okay as torturing a person todeath because they don’t know the meaning of life. ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/84 "2003-02-09T22:16:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Not only can he make it, he can lift it! \*\* But then he can’t make a rock so big he can’t lift it. ---
**Author:** ![jack\_ss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c77e96/32.png) [@jack\_ss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jack_ss)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/85 "2003-02-09T22:30:10Z")
Dear Bob, God created everything that exists, including Satan and all those nasty little demons in the nice Chick tracts. And God, being omniscient, knew beforehand that Satan would go bad. So, if God created Satan, knowing full well that Satan would go bad, then aren’t Satan and all the nasty little demons really doing God’s work by tempting us? And if tempting us is really God’s work, then all the liberals and sinners, like that D&D witch in the tract are just helping them do God’s work, right? And God made hell too as a place for all those people to go after they die. I figure that hell must be a really big place because all the atheists, agnostics, Catholics, Jews, pgans, witches, homosexuals, Mormons, Jehova’s Witnesses, Muslims (and their Moon God), Buddhists, Hindus, rock muscicians, any one who engages in role playing games, has extramarital sex, masturbates or voted for Clinton will be there. Does Satan pay rent to God, or is hell a perk he gets for doing such a good job? If he pays rent, does he sub-let to all the mafiosi, pornographers and other people who run sinful businesses? Wouldn’t God be accepting filthy lucre from them? What about the utilities? Does Satan pay that to God too? I bet the heating bill for hell is just ridiculous! Do you think that maybe God made Satan so he could collect more money than just what good people put into the collection plate? I saw this Jerry Fartwell guy on TV, he seemed like a really good christian. He was asking for money. Does any of that go to God? How does God collect that money? Do Jerry & Satan get together with God’s accountant? St. Matthew was a tax collector before he met Jesus, right? Does he collect the rent from hell? ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/86 "2003-02-09T22:33:16Z")
Why hasn’t Bob responded yet? ---
**Author:** ![Already\_in\_Use](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@Already\_in\_Use](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Already_in_Use)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/87 "2003-02-09T22:35:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > **…and you don’t even want to know about God’s REAL farts!** Isaiah 16:11 from the KJV, the ONLY _ **non-Satanic** _ Bible translation (sucks for all those people in other countries who have to learn English to read it!): _Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kir-haresh._ ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/88 "2003-02-09T22:50:14Z")
> [@](#): > > _bong_ > Your user name is Diogenes. By your logic, you go to hell. I am not diogenes, I am Bob. God has allowed me to hijack Diogenes’ username in order tp spread the word of Christ. Diogenes will perish in eternal flames! > [@](#): > > What’s the difference between a Wiccan and a Christian? They’re both human. One merely worships a different “THING” than the other. That’s as okay as torturing a person todeath because they don’t know the meaning of life. Christians do not worship a “thing.” They worship JESUS CHRIST! Witches worship SATAN! And Satan is no “thing” my friend, satan wants to drag you off to HELL, and Hell is no party! > [@](#): > > But then he can’t make a rock so big he can’t lift it. Can so! And He can lift it too! I thought I already explained that to you! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/89 "2003-02-09T23:00:21Z")
> [@](#): > > _Jack@ss_ > Dear Bob, > > God created everything that exists, including Satan and all those nasty little demons in the nice Chick tracts. And God, being omniscient, knew beforehand that Satan would go bad. So, if God created Satan, knowing full well that Satan would go bad, then aren’t Satan and all the nasty little demons really doing God’s work by tempting us? And if tempting us is really God’s work, then all the liberals and sinners, like that D&D witch in the tract are just helping them do God’s work, right? > > And God made hell too as a place for all those people to go after they die. I figure that hell must be a really big place because all the atheists, agnostics, Catholics, Jews, pgans, witches, homosexuals, Mormons, Jehova’s Witnesses, Muslims (and their Moon God), Buddhists, Hindus, rock muscicians, any one who engages in role playing games, has extramarital sex, masturbates or voted for Clinton will be there. Does Satan pay rent to God, or is hell a perk he gets for doing such a good job? If he pays rent, does he sub-let to all the mafiosi, pornographers and other people who run sinful businesses? Wouldn’t God be accepting filthy lucre from them? > > What about the utilities? Does Satan pay that to God too? I bet the heating bill for hell is just ridiculous! Do you think that maybe God made Satan so he could collect more money than just what good people put into the collection plate? I saw this Jerry Fartwell guy on TV, he seemed like a really good christian. He was asking for money. Does any of that go to God? How does God collect that money? Do Jerry & Satan get together with God’s accountant? St. Matthew was a tax collector before he met Jesus, right? Does he collect the rent from hell? In the Chick universe, Satan is not in charge of Hell, God is. God will burn Satan in hell and all of Satan’s demons. Yes! God knew that Lucifer would turn against Him, but He had to create him anyway because…because…He had His reasons, that’s all! God’s plan cannot be understood by puny human minds! God has a really good deal with Enron for the utility bill. They need a little bit of help with these legal difficulties. God’s going to get them probation but they have to give him free heating for all eternity! ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/90 "2003-02-09T23:10:09Z")
Dear Bob I am a stereotypical two-dimensional bad guy, but I’m working through time management issues at the moment; firstly, like all bad people, my face is terribly warty and ugly, but plastic surgery will take too much time out of my busy schedule; those innocent babies won’t just eat themselves y’know. Anyway, I can’t really decide whether I should be promoting abortion or Harry Potter books, or whether to just go out, apropos of nothing and commit acts of random violence and mischief. It all stems from being an atheist, you see. I need some fresh air now, I think I’ll go for a fast drive without wearing my seatbelt. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/91 "2003-02-09T23:19:11Z")
> [@](#): > > _Mangetout_ > Dear Bob > > I am a stereotypical two-dimensional bad guy, but I’m working through time management issues at the moment; firstly, like all bad people, my face is terribly warty and ugly, but plastic surgery will take too much time out of my busy schedule; those innocent babies won’t just eat themselves y’know. > Anyway, I can’t really decide whether I should be promoting abortion or Harry Potter books, or whether to just go out, apropos of nothing and commit acts of random violence and mischief. It all stems from being an atheist, you see. > > I need some fresh air now, I think I’ll go for a fast drive without wearing my seatbelt. Have you considered becoming a Catholic priest? You could damn a lot of souls by feeding them death cookies. And buy an SUV. Satan LOVES SUV’s. ---
**Author:** ![mkl12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@mkl12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mkl12)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/92 "2003-02-09T23:23:35Z")
Dear Bob, as we have seen in many tracts, you have the power of destroying any demons that may be influencing a person and to make anybody see Jesus’ light. So why don’t you save all the sinners you meet? ---
**Author:** ![ReuvenB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@ReuvenB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReuvenB)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/93 "2003-02-09T23:25:46Z")
**bong** , you have been whooshed. Go read a chick tract and you’ll understand what’s going on. ---
**Author:** ![Bob\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Bob\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bob_Scene)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/94 "2003-02-09T23:27:14Z")
Hey, Bob! Are you what [Bad Bob!](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0021/0021_01.asp) turned into after he found Jesus and shaved? Can you still get me any black beauties? ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/95 "2003-02-09T23:44:10Z")
Dearest Bob: I’m interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown sophmore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it OK to call the police? Here’s one that’s really important because we’ve got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean (Leviticus 11:7). If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Answer me, dammit! ---
**Author:** ![Kantalooppi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a5b964/32.png) [@Kantalooppi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kantalooppi)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/96 "2003-02-09T23:54:09Z")
Why do you continually have weird, spaced-out looks when talking about Jesus? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/97 "2003-02-10T00:09:14Z")
> [@](#): > > mkl12\* > as we have seen in many tracts, you have the power of destroying any demons that may be influencing a person and to make anybody see Jesus’ light. So why don’t you save all the sinners you meet? I can only save those who WANT to be saved. If I put a tract on their windshield, and they choose to toss it into a dumpster, then that’s too bad for them . They were warned! They will have no excuse when they stand before Christ’s throne! > [@](#): > > _Bob Scene_ > Hey, Bob! Are you what Bad Bob! turned into after he found Jesus and shaved? Can you still get me any black beauties? Different Bob, but I can get you Tyra Banks if you want. It will cost you…your SOUL! > [@](#): > > _Musicat_Dearest Bob: > > I’m interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown sophmore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? > > While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it OK to call the police? > > Here’s one that’s really important because we’ve got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean (Leviticus 11:7). If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? > > Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? > > Answer me, dammit! The laws of Moses were wiped away when JESUS CHRIST, the SON OF GOD, gave his life on the cross so that you may have life! You may now disregard the “Jew” Testament (except for the part about queers) as having any authority! The creation stuff is still true, though! > [@](#): > > _Kantalooppi_ > Why do you continually have weird, spaced-out looks when talking about Jesus? Prozac. ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/98 "2003-02-10T00:10:25Z")
> [@](#): > > - > > Christians do not worship a “thing.” They worship JESUS CHRIST! Witches worship SATAN! And Satan is no “thing” my friend, satan wants to drag you off to HELL, and Hell is no party! > Can so! And He can lift it too! I thought I already explained that to you! \*\* God, and jesus are incomprehensibly incomprehensible. They ain’t human. they ain’t animal, vegetable,bacteria,viruses,et. Therefore, they are “Things”. Satan is an unholy “Thing”. And if he can lift it, he cannot “not lift it”. If he can’t lift it, he is not omnipotent. If he can’t make a rock that heavy, He ain’t omnipotent. HA!:wally :wally :wally ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/99 "2003-02-10T00:13:13Z")
[Diogenes voice] **Bong** , you _are_ aware that this is a _parody_, are you not? Or are you just whooshing me back?[/Diogenes voice] ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/100 "2003-02-10T00:15:55Z")
Dear Bob, What does the T in Jack T. Chick stand for? Also, is Jesus really God? Chick says he is, so that means that Mary is his mother, and Mary is the Mother of God, since she’s the mother of Jesus. So why is it wrong to call her the Mother of God? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=6)