# Ask Bob (the Chick tract guy) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 9, 2003, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825 "2003-02-09T04:09:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Treviathan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@Treviathan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treviathan)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/121 "2003-02-10T05:04:31Z")
Hello, **Bob**. Two questions: 1. If I use Chick Tracts to line my birdcage, and my budgie poops on them, does that mean my budgie is going to heaven or hell? 2. If you could be any type of dessert, what would you be? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/122 "2003-02-10T05:21:21Z")
> [@](#): > > _brujo_ > Hi Bob. > > I have a few questions for you. > > 1. How were you saved. > 2. What do you do for a living? > 3. How much free time do you have? You always seem to be visiting people and dropping by anytime somebody has the slightest question, don’t you have a family or friends? > 4. What is Jesus’s favorite TV show? > 5. I can’t recall if you answered this but what is up with that mustache? > 6. Do you prefer that people say heaven-o instead of hell-o > > Brujo > By the way, Brujo is Spanish for warlock 1. I was drawn saved! 2. Amway salesman. 3. I have as much time is as needed to spread the word of Jesus Christ who is the one and only God! 4. South Park 5. I said in my OP, No moustache questions! I have a scar, ok. 6. Excellent idea! Have fun burning in Hell, warlock! Did harry Potter dies for your sins? NO! Only Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God has died for you! There is no way out for witches and warlocks! > [@](#): > > _Trevathian_ > Hello, Bob. Two questions: > > 1. If I use Chick Tracts to line my birdcage, and my budgie poops on them, does that mean my budgie is going to heaven or hell? > > 2. If you could be any type of dessert, what would you be? 1.) If they read the word of God and still refuse his love, then yes, they will burn in the lake of fire! God makes no exceptions for birds! 2.) Angel food cake! ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/123 "2003-02-10T05:29:44Z")
Thanks for the answers Bob! 1. You mention that you have homosexual contract workers from hell. What do you pay them? 2. What is the currency in heaven? 3. What is there to do in heaven on a Saturday night? 4. How do you feel abou the song “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash? 5. When did you actually meet Jesus? 6. What is Jesus’s favorite cheese? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/124 "2003-02-10T05:53:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*brujo > Thanks for the answers Bob! > > 1. You mention that you have homosexual contract workers from hell. What do you pay them? > 2. What is the currency in heaven? > 3. What is there to do in heaven on a Saturday night? > 4. How do you feel abou the song “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash? > 5. When did you actually meet Jesus? > 6. What is Jesus’s favorite cheese? 1. They are payed 500 Gold coins a week, plus they get discounts at the Pottery Barn. 2. Gold, of course! 3. Prayer circles, potluck dinners, Touched By An Angel parties, square dancing, bingo. 4. Greatest song ever written! Down, down, down into a burning ring of fire!! That’s beautiful…and that’s what’s going to happen to YOU, Warlock! Haw, haw, haw! 5. He was in the first tract I appeared in. He was sort of stand-offish at first. He’s not really comfortable with His celebrity, but when you get to know Him, He’s very down to Earth. 6. American! But He never cuts it Himself! ---
**Author:** ![I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_can_t_believe_that_s_butter)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/125 "2003-02-10T06:03:26Z")
Is the thunder in Heaven actually people bowling, or is this just a cruel hoax? ---
**Author:** ![RedFury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ec9cab/32.png) [@RedFury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedFury)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/126 "2003-02-10T06:14:37Z")
Yo Bobby! How’s it hanging! Wondering if you could riddle me that three in one business – never could figure it out. ---
**Author:** ![JonScribe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3be4f8/32.png) [@JonScribe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JonScribe)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/127 "2003-02-10T06:23:59Z")
Bob, A question about Heaven for you: I’ve had several wives, but it’s OK because I kil… they died in my arms, and they all accepted CHRIST as the savior with their final breaths. Assuming that I say the magic words before I’m execut… die of natural causes, will I be able to sleep with all of them in Heaven? Thanks. Oh, and could you hurry your response a little. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/128 "2003-02-10T06:28:54Z")
Oh, and is it true that Jesus hates M&M’s because they fall through the holes in his hands? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/129 "2003-02-10T06:47:54Z")
> [@](#): > > _Joe K_ > Is the thunder in Heaven actually people bowling, or is this just a cruel hoax? Not people, angels. Not bowling, roller blading. They’ve got a league up there. > [@](#): > > _RedFury_ > Yo Bobby! How’s it hanging! > > Wondering if you could riddle me that three in one business – never could figure it out. It’s hanging very low, thank you very much! The Trinity is simple. Jesus Christ has always been and always will be. He is the one true son of God. God is …Well God is Jesus, but…not Jesus… OK, it’s like this…Jesus sits around on His giant toilet and God always stands behind Him looking sort of glowy. They say they’re the same guy, but I think they might be whooshing me. They’ve also got this bird, it’s like a pigeon or a parrot or something, but they say it’s the Holy Spirit. I think they’re fucking with me. (Don’t tell them I said that) They’ve trained that bird to shit on my head, and then they laugh and say I’ve been “baptized by the Holy Spirit”…pricks. > [@](#): > > _JonScribe_ > Bob, > A question about Heaven for you: > I’ve had several wives, but it’s OK because I kil… they died in my arms, and they all accepted CHRIST as the savior with their final breaths. Assuming that I say the magic words before I’m execut… die of natural causes, will I be able to sleep with all of them in Heaven? > > Thanks. Oh, and could you hurry your response a little. Yes! As long as you check that little “yes” box before they pull the switch, you will recieve the grace of Jesus Christ and Angels will deliver you to an eternal Heavenly four-way! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/130 "2003-02-10T06:58:08Z")
> [@](#): > > _Tuckerfan_ > Oh, and is it true that Jesus hates M&M’s because they fall through the holes in his hands? Yes! And you should see Him try to play handball. Not a pretty sight…Well actually, it _is_ kind of funny, but if anyone laughs He throws them into the fire so you sort of have to hold it in. ---
**Author:** ![jack\_ss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c77e96/32.png) [@jack\_ss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jack_ss)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/131 "2003-02-10T07:03:16Z")
Bob, I have written a little song that maybe you could pass on to the angelic choir. It’s sung to the tune of The Violent Femmes’ _American Music_. It’s kinda ol-style rock & roll, but Pat Boone sang stuff like that, so I figure you can whitewash it like Mr. Boone did with that awful heathen devil music! Do you love American Jesus. I love American jesus? Don’t you love American Jesus, baaaaaay-beeeeeeey. I want to go to heaven. With Jesus all around me. I want you to go to heaven, baaby. He died for all our sins! Accept him or go to hell! He died for all our sins too, baaby. I was washed real clean, in the blood of Christ. Every time I think of that lake of fire…It reminds me of YOU! There’s more if you’re interested! I figure you could sing it in heaven while you roast marshmellows. Kinda like all the sinners in hell being roasted for all eternity! On the subject of music, there’s this band called [stryper](http://www.stryper.com/). They play heavy metal music, but they use it to spread the word of God! They’re good christian boys! Will they go to heaven too? I sure hope so! On a more serious note, I’ve noticed that you and all the people in Mr. Chick’s tracts were drawn better 20 years ago. Why is that? Is Mr. Chick’s health gradually failing him? I hope that he doesn’t go on to his eternal reward too soon as I really find his tracts entertaining! ---
**Author:** ![todd33rpm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@todd33rpm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/todd33rpm)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/132 "2003-02-10T12:12:12Z")
Hi Bob. Long time listener, first time caller. Please help me. I’m getting stuck on that pesky thing in Genesis where Adam and Eve eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. If I understand the story, they couldn’t know it was wrong to eat from the tree…until they ate from it. By that time, it would be too late. And considering that’s a Catch-22, on a related note: how does God feel about Joseph Heller? Signed, Corn-fused In The Midwest. ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/133 "2003-02-10T13:10:00Z")
What is the meaning of life? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/134 "2003-02-10T13:43:26Z")
> [@](#): > > _jack@ss_ > Bob, I have written a little song that maybe you could pass on to the angelic choir. It’s sung to the tune of The Violent Femmes’ American Music. It’s kinda ol-style rock & roll, but Pat Boone sang stuff like that, so I figure you can whitewash it like Mr. Boone did with that awful heathen devil music! > > Do you love American Jesus. I love American jesus? > Don’t you love American Jesus, baaaaaay-beeeeeeey. > > I want to go to heaven. With Jesus all around me. > I want you to go to heaven, baaby. > > He died for all our sins! Accept him or go to hell! > He died for all our sins too, baaby. > > I was washed real clean, in the blood of Christ. > Every time I think of that lake of fire…It reminds me of YOU! > > There’s more if you’re interested! I figure you could sing it in heaven while you roast marshmellows. Kinda like all the sinners in hell being roasted for all eternity! > > On the subject of music, there’s this band called stryper. They play heavy metal music, but they use it to spread the word of God! They’re good christian boys! Will they go to heaven too? I sure hope so! > > On a more serious note, I’ve noticed that you and all the people in Mr. Chick’s tracts were drawn better 20 years ago. Why is that? Is Mr. Chick’s health gradually failing him? I hope that he doesn’t go on to his eternal reward too soon as I really find his tracts entertaining! [ALL](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0034/0034_01.asp) rock music, even Christian rock, is a powerful demonic force controlled by Satan, starting from his church in Rome! If you want to “get down” with the Lord you must first die yourself by crucifying your old flesh, and then burn anything you have asscociated with rock music! Don’t worry, though Chick may pass from this world, Chick tracts are eternal and they are drawn by Christ Himself, who is Lord! > [@](#): > > _todd33rpm_ > Hi Bob. Long time listener, first time caller. > > Please help me. I’m getting stuck on that pesky thing in Genesis where Adam and Eve eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. If I understand the story, they couldn’t know it was wrong to eat from the tree…until they ate from it. By that time, it would be too late. > > And considering that’s a Catch-22, on a related note: how does God feel about Joseph Heller? > > Signed, > Corn-fused In The Midwest. They were warned by JESUS CHRIST who is LORD not to eat the fruit of that tree! No free will is NO EXCUSE! [i[Catch-22\* is an anti-war book! That makes it a tool of SATAN! What are the first four letters of Heller? HELL, THAT’S what! > [@](#): > > \*bong] > What is the meaning of life 42! ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/135 "2003-02-10T15:07:36Z")
Prove it. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/136 "2003-02-10T15:09:46Z")
Say, Bob, I may have missed it in all of the other conversations, but is Jesus circumcised? How does he feel about it? Is the Big “G” snipped too? Should men who aren’t already circumcised have themselves snipped? ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/137 "2003-02-10T15:17:46Z")
What’s the point of circumcision anyways? ---
**Author:** ![jovan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/0ea827/32.png) [@jovan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jovan)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/138 "2003-02-10T15:21:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\*[ALL](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0034/0034_01.asp) rock music, \*\* Dear Bob, I have another question. I have followed your link and I am now on the floor laughing and rolling. You have no idea how hard it is to thiwype this. Anyway, my question is: has JESUS ever considered standup? Have you? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/139 "2003-02-10T16:04:45Z")
> [@](#): > > **bong** > Prove it. Thou shalt not put the Lord thy God to the test! [quote] _Tuckerfan_ Let’s look at the scripture: > [@](#): > > **Luke 2:21 > _21On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise him, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he had been conceived._** Notice that it only says it was TIME for circumcsion, it does not say He WAS circumcised! That is because Jesus Christ is NO JEW! He has always been from the beginning of time and with His death and resurrection He has wiped out the Jew covenant of Moses (except for the stuff about queers) for ALL TIME! Moses did not die for your sins! God is cut, though, I’ve seen Him in the shower. He’s not as big as you would expect. > [@](#): > > _bong_ > What’s the point of circumcision anyways? So we can tell who the Jews are! > [@](#): > > _jovan_ > Dear Bob, I have another question. > > I have followed your link and I am now on the floor laughing and rolling. You have no idea how hard it is to thiwype this. Anyway, my question is: has JESUS ever considered standup? Have you? Jesus Christ is NO JOKE! Sometimes He goes around reciting lines from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_, though. Jesus loves that movie. But He does a crappy British accent. As to me, well, often when I stand on corners and preach the word of God, people laugh at me. They mock my message and make unkind remarks about my moustache! (What is a “filthy sanchez” anyway?) but _I_ will be the one who is laughing when they are burning in eternal fire, haw, haw haw! ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825/140 "2003-02-10T17:11:44Z")
I’m not putting god to the test. I’m putting YOU to the test. So there’s no difference between Jewish and Christian? What about Jews not thinking Jesus was/is God? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-bob-the-chick-tract-guy/153825.md?page=8)