# Ask Charlie Sheen. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 4, 2011, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516 "2011-03-04T20:18:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/1 "2011-03-04T20:18:50Z")
Go ahead, ask me anything. Your pitiful amphibian sloth brains won’t be able to process all the winning that’s in my words. I’m a vatican assassin warlock on a carpet bombing run over my enemies. I’m a fighter pilot from Jupiter. My words will make their faces melt and their children weep over their exploded bodies. I’m not going to hide all the winning any more, so ask me anything. Bring it on. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/2 "2011-03-04T20:20:53Z")
Charlie, Are you regretting hiring Vince McMahon as your new speechwriter? ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/3 "2011-03-04T20:21:11Z")
Do you beleive you were born Charlie Sheen, or is being Charlie Sheen a conscious decision you made at some point? ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/4 "2011-03-04T20:29:26Z")
> [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > Are you regretting hiring Vince McMahon as your new speechwriter? Nobody writes my words. My words come from the ether. Just straight out of the universe, out of the ether, and into my brain. You can’t process that. Also, I’ve done a lot of ether. > [@pravnik](#): > > Do you beleive you were born Charlie Sheen, or is being Charlie Sheen a conscious decision you made at some point? Listen, I didn’t need to make a decision to winning. I was winning before I was born. I was winning five hundred years ago when Thomas Jefferson was being a pussy. ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/5 "2011-03-04T20:32:13Z")
Can you explain how you came to be full of tiger blood? ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/6 "2011-03-04T20:36:44Z")
> [@fluiddruid](#): > > Can you explain how you came to be full of tiger blood? Yeah. I myself am full of Lion’s Blood. Do I have hope of being bi-win, or does one need specifically tiger blood for that? ---
**Author:** ![Prelude\_to\_Fascination](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Prelude\_to\_Fascination](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prelude_to_Fascination)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/7 "2011-03-04T20:38:53Z")
You. Chuck Lorre. Octagon. When’s it gonna happen? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/8 "2011-03-04T20:39:20Z")
Why isn’t your brother named Emilio Sheen? ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/9 "2011-03-04T20:40:23Z")
Are the headaches becoming more frequent? ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/10 "2011-03-04T20:40:24Z")
Do your children also have tiger blood? ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/11 "2011-03-04T20:42:30Z")
Charlie, my boy, do you exchange notes with Qaddafi, that guy from Libya that’s in a bit of trouble at the moment? Or does his speechwriter just steal material from you? ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/12 "2011-03-04T20:44:57Z")
> [@fluiddruid](#): > > Can you explain how you came to be full of tiger blood? Because I am a tiger. I’m sick of pretending that I’m one of the kangaroos jumping around like an earthworm when I am a tiger that preys on the kangaroos. That’s why the press fears me. They know I’m a tiger here to eat their kangaroo babies. > [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Yeah. I myself am full of Lion’s Blood. Do I have hope of being bi-win, or does one need specifically tiger blood for that? I don’t know, maybe. Bi-win means I win over here. And I win over there. You have to be a warlock to win in two places at once. I’m a warlock. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/13 "2011-03-04T20:45:44Z")
Charlie, did you really forget about the curveball, and give him the heater? ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/14 "2011-03-04T20:53:25Z")
You against Chuck Norris. Who wins? ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/15 "2011-03-04T20:53:43Z")
Can you make a burrito so hot that _even you_ cannot eat it? If not, why not, and if so, how? ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/16 "2011-03-04T20:56:16Z")
Did you corrupt Angus T. Jones on set? Can the goddesses cook? Did you drink the water at the playboy mansion? ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/17 "2011-03-04T21:01:20Z")
> [@Prelude\_to\_Fascination](#): > > You. Chuck Lorre. Octagon. When’s it gonna happen? It’s not. My firebreathing fists would destroy him like a nazi atom bomb over Hiroshima. They’d have to arrest me on humanitarian charges for animal abuse. Chaim abuse. He’s not worth my talents. > [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > Why isn’t your brother named Emilio Sheen? I don’t know about that. I don’t know about that. I don’t think he can handle the Sheen. Just hopping around his grapes. He’s one of the kangaroos. > [@Chefguy](#): > > Are the headaches becoming more frequent? I closed my eyes and cured them in a nanosecond. I’m not sick. I’ve never been sick. Charlie sheen is the best medicine. Charlie Sheen is the only medicine I need. > [@cuauhtemoc](#): > > Do your children also have tiger blood? Listen, I want some things to stay off of TMZ, OK? Like the chosen ones. Besides, you couldn’t handle the truth. Your soul would fracture if it even came near the chosen ones. They have the DNA of demigods. > [@Giles](#): > > Charlie, my boy, do you exchange notes with Qaddafi, that guy from Libya that’s in a bit of trouble at the moment? Or does his speechwriter just steal material from you? Every body steals from me. I’m the best. I’m a rock star from Mars. People look at me and they can’t understand it. They can’t understand all the winning. They can’t understand it, so they try to steal some of me. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/18 "2011-03-04T21:16:29Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Charlie, did you really forget about the curveball, and give him the heater? I always throw fastballs. Fastballs with a curve you don’t expect. > [@Projammer](#): > > You against Chuck Norris. Who wins? I like Chuck. I’d like to work with him. Two alpha dogs sharing the spoils of our enemies > [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Can you make a burrito so hot that _even you_ cannot eat it? If not, why not, and if so, how? Cooking is for sissies. I just use my brain to will the universe into a burrito, and then I eat the universe. That’s what I do. I devour the universe. > [@chela](#): > > Did you corrupt Angus T. Jones on set? > > Can the goddesses cook? > > Did you drink the water at the playboy mansion? I corrupted him with winning. The Goddesses? Let me just say this about The Goddesses…I don’t believe the term is good enough, but when you’re bound by terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best choice available. And they don’t cook. Cooking is for sissies. Why would I drink the water at the playboy mansion? Why would I eat hamburgerss when I can have lobster. I was taking bubble baths in Dom Perignon. Why would I drink water when I’m drinking champagne off the breasts of beautiful women? ---
**Author:** ![Prelude\_to\_Fascination](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Prelude\_to\_Fascination](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prelude_to_Fascination)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/19 "2011-03-04T21:36:57Z")
I want to pitch a new show to you. It’s sort of like The Girls Next Door, but it’s better. A reality show about your home life (not the Two and a Half Men home life, because in that, you’re a jingle writer, not a rock star from Mars). Call it: The Sheensters. Whaddya think? Is it a winner? Or is it a winner? ---
**Author:** ![Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ed655f/32.png) [@Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crown_Prince_of_Irony)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516/20 "2011-03-04T21:44:21Z")
How do you handle being such a Winning Winner who’s full of Win? Wait, sorry, I said that wrong. I meant to ask: how do you handle being such a coked out, wife-beating, egomaniacal douchebag? Yeah, that sounds better. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ask-charlie-sheen/573516.md?page=2)